That's a wrap and take a bow...but then again...

“Let your faith be greater than your fear. Sometimes you just have to act as if you are courageous.” These were the words of a wise woman spoken today in an Alanon meeting on the topic of courage. A little over a year ago, I was overwhelmed by my fear and sadness. I did not feel courageous but had to act as if… My son’s life was in the balance and so was mine.

He was living in his car, cold, hungry and going through withdrawals. And we knew we had to let him experience his bottom. To save him from his bottom would not save him from his addiction. We had to show our love by letting him come to recognize his own powerlessness and to turn to his one true source of power. I could no longer rescue him. He with the help of God would have to rescue himself. Believe me, that love didn’t feel very loving. I guess that’s why they call it tough love. And, it was tough on everyone involved.

During that dark time, I was wrestling with God myself. I was at my own bottom of despair. I knew that I had to step forward and do something positive to counter this pain. The idea to embark on this running and writing project was born. As you may recall if you read the first post, my plan was to run a 1000 miles in a year and document our journey and what God was teaching me along the way through this blog. Ultimately the goal was to honor what God was doing in our lives by telling our story. I yearned for this pain to be redeemed for something good. And so, I began to run and to write.

Here we are a year later. The biggest blessing this year is that my son committed to his recovery in a renewed way after he hit that bottom and was allowed to experience it in its fullness. He has made so many steps forward physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of his courage and grateful to God that my son’s story is being redeemed. I am also happy to say that I finished this project logging in 1,044 miles. It has been like running a virtual race. So many of you have cheered me on through your messages and texts and I did it!! Not bad for an old gal! I have been trying to come up with the words that would describe this last year for me. Here I am at the completion point of time bound project. I guess I want to end it with something like “that’s a wrap and take a bow…but then again…”

My son told me at his 9 month anniversary and again at his one-year anniversary that he was happy but it was just a mile marker. His journey continues and truthfully so does mine. But I need to mark this mile with some reflection. Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” I know we can be empowered by our circumstances. In the Bible, Paul tells us that in our weakness, we are made strong. And so, this morning, I sat down and read through all the blog entries. There was so much life revisited in those entries. There was illness, death, and laughter. There were friends and strangers who touched my life. There was insight. There was certainly pain and growth. There was God. And, I see my story- our story- being redeemed.

In the very first blog, my struggle was to accept the “both-and” of my circumstances. The questions of my heart were-

How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?

How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?

How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?

Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?

That last question is a big one. At that time, I truly did not know how to resolve the conflict. I only knew that I must figure it out somehow. That has been my journey over the last year. If I had to sum up what I have learned, it could be summed up in four words- humility, faith, gratitude and hope.

I asked my son what the biggest learning had been over the past year and he described humility. He said, “I had to accept that I couldn’t stay sober and move forward without God. I needed to get out of his way and let him lead my life.” He also talked about having to do things that he didn’t want to do but needed to. Things like taking on a new sponsee in the program and speaking in front of people. He said a very wise thing- that he knew that there was no growth to be had in his comfort zone and he needed to trust others and God as they pushed him out of it. For me, just to truly accept that I was powerless over my son’s disease and that my life had become unmanageable through all the dynamics that had formed and my desire to control was a humbling recognition. It really didn’t matter how hard I tried. It was my son’s battle to fight. Someone once said to me, “your son has a God and it is not you.” I, too, needed to get out of God’s way. So, this year has been a lesson in humility. And, I needed to shift my self-reliance to a God-reliance not only for me but for my son. Just being willing to admit that I sometimes live my life as if I were God was humbling. I believe humility is first step towards allowing our faith in the fact that He is good and in control to grow. Psalms 25:9- “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”

The truth is God is all-powerful. I don’t have to be because He is!

Faith is key to living life with peace in the midst of chaos. One of the topics in an earlier blog was the fact that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. God does not promise us a life without pain. But, he does promise us strength, grace, joy and peace. When you are in a season of darkness, it seems almost impossible to believe. I had to come to the realization that although I had believed since I was a child, I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t trust myself to be sufficient either but somehow I still tried to control my circumstances and my son’s rather than to trust God with them. It has been in the gravity of our situation that we had to learn to rely on God. There was no other way; and so, this year has been an exercise in trust. And, God has proved himself trustworthy over and over again. He has guided and provided in all kinds of scenarios. It is in my weakness that God’s power has shown through. 2 Corinthians 12:9-“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect is weakness.”

Not only is God trustworthy, the truth is God is sufficient and I don’t have to be because he is.

With humility, our eyes can be fixed in faith on what God is doing in the midst of our lives no matter the circumstances. When we fix our eyes, not on our circumstances but on God’s work- his grace shed in our lives we can see our blessings and feel gratitude. We are called to give thanks in all circumstances. This was hard for me at times. I think at the times that it was hardest, I was not living from a basis of trust in God’s perfect plan for me and my son. I could not always see his provision. But what has helped is the concept of God-sight in hindsight. Looking back over time and acknowledging our God was moving even when he seemed silent. That is our story. That is what I am grateful for. The Bible promises that our stories were ordained before one of our days came to be. With that I can honor my story and carry no shame. I have definitely had lessons in gratitude.

Hebrews 4:16 “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

The truth is God is gracious and merciful and I can be thankful in all because he is.

With humility, faith, and gratitude, there is hope. God is bigger than any situation, any bad choice, and any heartache. With hope, we have courage to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and live the next moment. God promises for those who have hope, he will renew their strength, they will soar, they will run and will not grow weary. In Romans, we are told that hope does not disappoint. So, the real answer to the question of how I both live a life of joy, peace and gratitude and still acknowledge my son’s circumstances or mine own is through Hope. I hang on to the belief that God can redeem anything. He is bigger and more powerful that anything I could do or could be done to me. And I hold that truth for my son and all my children.

Psalm 130-7 “Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.”

The truth is God is the Great Redeemer and I can live in hope because of that!

So, that’s a wrap now take a bow… and then again… my journey has just started.

My journey goes on. The last blog was about my struggles with current circumstances. I have more to learn about living my life with humility, faith, gratitude and hope. Every time I go to a bottom, a place of despair, it sends me right back to God, the Great Teacher. I will close this to say that I have been overwhelmed by the love and support expressed by so many of you who have followed along with this blog. You have shared your pain and your encouragement. God has used you as my inspiration. There have been times that my words were pretty raw or I was very candid about my imperfections. My hope is that my story, our story would touch others in a way that would be an encouragement. If you are struggling, find someone to reach out to. There is hope to be had. ANYTHING can be redeemed. God provides comfort through love spread among us. I know this. I experience this. If you are not struggling open your eyes and reach out to someone who is. You never know what joy or comfort you will bring with something even as small as a text. Sometimes all someone needs is to know they are not forgotten.

I cannot finish this without expressing thankfulness for my son’s recovery and being proud of his courage and willingness to have me so openly share. He is a very special young man with a remarkable story. I will honor him with a verse that I wrote in a longer poem-

“For he was his before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.

Wen- I love who you are and you are your story!

I will blog from time to time. I will run but likely not quite as much. I will be forever grateful for what this year has meant to me.

Still running the journey set before me!

Feeling separate and desperate not to!

Once again, I am sitting on a long dark flight home. I am about 5 hours into the flight with 3 more to go. It is dark and I am terribly sad. Tears have spilled on and off since Saturday and this flight is no different except that it is harder to keep them back. So, I am going to write but I am not certain I will post. You see, I don’t know any way to write at this point but to be totally transparent. And yet, I feel more vulnerable than I have in long while. There are just some days that the ache of life takes over for a while. Surely, someone reading this has been there. The tears of my soul are flowing.

The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for many reasons. Everywhere I look, people need me or something from me, every area of my life feels somehow out of order, and although not generally directed towards me, others have disappointed me. And, I am certain I have disappointed them. And, it is now hard to control the tears. For me, that means my barriers are collapsing. I feel crushed.

And although I want to be back home, I really didn’t feel the usual relief or excitement to get home that I generally do as I got to the airport this morning. I mainly just feel DONE. I don’t feel well and my throat is closing but the strange thing is that it feels less like getting sick and more like being silenced by life. Like it’s symbolic of my inability to speak words of encouragement to myself, voice words that acknowledge the way forward, or speak words of faith.

All I really know to do right now is to write. And so on a piece of paper, I wrote my first sentence to try and reclaim that voice. And it was “what do I feel at this moment?” And, my answer was, “I feel hopeless and disappointed, fearful and burdened, empty, tired and ill.”

I feel beaten by life.

I feel separate from others and mostly God.

And I feel desperate not to…

I cannot go in to the details of the circumstances as there are things evolving and other details that are just not my story to tell. But my reaction to them is what I am sorting through. Believe me the last two weeks have been a challenge. And, I know things will not be the same in the next two weeks. Maybe better, maybe not, but different. And somehow, I know that God will equip me to move forward as he has before and as he has promised. But perhaps, you can relate to the times or seasons when all you can do is voice your faith and nothing in your being feels it. And, I am desperate to feel it…

I remember sitting on my deck last fall before dawn one morning when my son was in his last relapse. I had come to grips with the fact that this disease could take my son. I am not sure it was acceptance but what little remnant of denial that I could somehow fix this was gone. I knew that I could not make it different. My pride and arrogance that I somehow could have changed things had been crushed. My eyes were opened. And I was left with a deep sense of powerlessness and a desperate need to feel connected to God. I sat on that deck in the dark searching the stars for some feeling of connectedness. As the sun came up, I held my focus intently on the last flickering star as it disappeared as if it were my only connection to God. I feel like that now... Like I am looking for that one star in the darkness.

I feel separate.

And, I am desperate not to…

The reality is that I have that same sense of having my arrogance and pride crushed. I cannot make things better for others. It is God’s job and theirs to do. I need to walk my path with him and let others walk theirs. And, perhaps, it is that darn arrogance and pride that has led me to be feeling so separate. Perhaps, it is just that feeling of being crushed that will allow a space for me to feel reconnected to God. That will open my eyes to a new reality.

The truth is God works in mysterious and surprising ways. Maybe that star that I need to focus on came in the form of something entirely different today. I got on this plane planning to escape, at least for a few hours, the burden that I am feeling. My plan was to watch a whole season of House of Cards… One episode right after the other. I had seen it as an option on the flight over to London and felt it was a great way to escape my reality, my feelings on the way back. And as I sat in my seat trying to load it, it would not work. They moved me around to other seats but no there was no ability to watch that or any TV show so I was left with movies. And as I flipped through, I didn’t want anything that would take too much thought. I wasn’t in the mood for anything sad or silly. So, I chose Heaven is for Real. Now I had read the book a while ago. I expected that after the beginning, it might be uplifting. And it was but not in the way I anticipated. For some reason, I felt everything. I loved that little boy and missed that simpler time with young children. I felt sadness and pain when the boy got sick. I have dealt with a number of health crises with my kids and it brought all that emotion up. I felt that anger when the Dad asked God why he would take his son and I felt the confusion of trying to make sense of life through your beliefs. Certainly, I have wrestled with those questions. And, tears poured down my face the entire movie. I was thankful for the dark.

But what really got to me where some words in the sermon at the end. He opened his Bible with this note written.

Only faith opens our eyes

God is love

On earth as it is in heaven

The pastor said, “God crushed my pride and opened my eyes”. He went on to say basically that we are all given different lives to lead and God gives us glimpses of himself in different ways. We can see him in the 1st cry of a baby, or the courage of a friend, or in a thousand other ways. We get glimpses of Heaven and of God, and yet, we often choose to exist in the Hell of hate or fear (or for me self-reliance). I rewound those 9 minutes of the movie several times. At the very end, the pastor said something to the effect that God is love (on heaven and on earth) and we are called to let others know that they loved and that they are not alone. I don’t intend to debate the theology of the movie. But, maybe God was sending me his love through the words spoken in a movie to me. He has allowed me to be crushed and has blocked my plans and now he has spoken to me. He sent that star in a form that I could hear at this moment.

He has given me voice to my soul through my writing. I still feel sad but I choose to look for glimpses of Heaven on earth. I will claim God’s promise to soar on the wings of eagles over and above the circumstances of the day. And perhaps, I do feel

A little less separate and little more connected

A little less desperate and little more peace…

And with God on my side I will run and not grow weary...

Different but the same at the core...

Today in our sermon at church, we talked about a verse in I Corinthians which described the body of believers, the Church. “…But that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” I looked up that verse and then read back several verses at the beginning of the chapter. It was talking about spiritual gifts. It speaks about the fact that there are different gifts, different kinds of service and different workings, and they all come from the same God. Different but the same at the core…

Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.

Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.

We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.

It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.

I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.

The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.

Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…

I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!

“My job is not to judge. My job is to love.”

Earlier this week, I read something on judgment. I tried to find it again this morning but cannot find exactly where it came from. However, I remember the ending very clearly. The author said, “My job is not to judge. My job is to love.” God is the judge and he was clear on his call to us to love. There is so much going on around us right now in the world. Things for me that go against my belief system. Arguments that are only won if the opposing side is portrayed as totally wrong or selfishly motivated. Real dangers to life as we know it. There are people who stand on righteous ground in front of cameras and then make human choices that are not consistent with their public position. And we judge… we do not love. It can sneak up on you. And, it can be subtle at times. Other times, we voice it clearly through our words and communicate it through our body language.

It is not something I aspire to do and yet I know there are times when I judge rather than love. I am human and don’t always know how to stand by my convictions and show love to those who go against those convictions or who do things that hurt me. It is also important to set boundaries and be authentic to our beliefs. But, when that becomes so rigid that we exclude a relational aspect to how we engage with others, then we lose our ability to engage others in love. Without that, we actually lose our ability to be a positive influence or encouragement. Surely though, I am not the only one who understands how hard this can be at times.

Refraining from judging and learning to act in love when dealing with addiction is particularly difficult. Early into our family’s journey with this disease, I was completely baffled and in many ways destroyed by this disease. There was a judging voice that rang constantly in my head. How could my son continue to make decisions that were so harmful to him and to our family? What is wrong with him? You see I didn’t understand the nature of the disease. I turned that same judgmental voice on myself. How did I not know that all the pain medication provided during his hospitalizations was setting him up for disaster? What kind of mother am I, that I didn’t recognize the danger signs earlier and further enabled the disease? I didn’t understand the family aspect of this disease, either. I judged. And, I experienced the judgment of others. There were those who thought my child was “one of those bad kids” or that my working outside of the home somehow set him up for failure. The reality was that I didn’t need their judgment. I had enough of that on my own. My son didn’t need our judgment. He definitely had enough of that on his own. What we needed was love.

And yet, even though I know this, there are times when I easily lapse into that place of judgment with my son still today. Just yesterday, he called me and we began discussing some plans for the next few months. The truth is that I believe I know better than he does how he should proceed. That is a judgment. It assumes that I know best. And, it does not honor what God is teaching him though his choices. I also hear our conversations through the lens of my own wounds that are still healing. So, I assume certain motivations. That is a judgment. It assumes that I am all-knowing, a mind-reader. It does not honor the transformation that God has been doing in his heart. Lastly, I still project the outcome and can quickly go to a place of fear. That is also a judgment. That really does not honor the fact that God has ordained the journey that we are on and is actively leading us. You see judgment comes from a myriad of faulty perspectives. It often assumes that someone else is less capable, knowledgeable or valuable than we are. Then judgment becomes a way to demonstrate just that. That is a really hard to thing to admit. But unless, we are ready to entertain that, it is difficult to move from a place of judging to loving. Let me be specific- unless I am ready to admit it, I cannot begin to shift my natural reaction from one of judging to one of loving.

Yesterday, when my son called, I didn’t make a conscious decision to judge. I fell into it naturally. He heard it in my tone and in my words. And, it shut the conversation down. Thankfully, I have done enough work and prayed enough, that when that still small voice spoke, I heard. I called my son back a few minutes later and we had a different conversation. A conversation that was productive, enlightening and loving. When I honored his journey and recognized his value, knowledge, and capability, I moved forward in love and he felt that. That doesn’t mean that I agree with every decision. And, it acknowledges that I really don’t have the perfect answer for him. Only God has that. It does, however, open up through love, the ability to enter into his journey and encourage him along the way.

Last night, I was watching the Ole Miss Rebels finish out a great win against Tennessee. After it was clear that there was enough of gap in the score to guarantee the outcome, Coach Freeze began to give some others a chance to get playing time and try some different plays. I don’t think he expected another score but there at the end of the game, we got another touchdown extending the score. The TV cameras flashed over to Coach Freeze who mouthed something like “oh, man” and shook his head. He clearly did not want to run up the score. Here he was now basically 7-0 against a team whose win-loss record against the Rebels was heavily weighted to their side over the recent past. He could have wanted to clearly show people who is the best team and be happy to drive the score up. It is obviously important to win but it appeared he saw no need to take advantage of this team and further demonstrate how much stronger the Rebels were this season. In my mind, that quick reaction was Coach Freeze’s character shining through. His natural reaction was one of valuing the opponent. It was a reaction of kindness. It suggests to me that he has a firmly rooted value system on how he will treat his opponents. And, it really touched me.

What I desire is that my natural reaction, just like Coach Freeze demonstrated last night, to be firmly rooted in my value system. And, I want my value system aligned with what God is calling me to do on this earth. And that is to love- not to judge!

Today, I will run with a desire to demonstrate love for others.

And I heard God's still small voice through the faces and voices of children in India

I am sitting on an airplane in the dark, 5 hours into a 14 hour flight from Abu Dhabi to Washington DC and on to Charlotte. This journey home will take almost 30 hours. In the past 15 days, I have worked in 3 countries, 4 locations and 5 hotels. And, I am weary. But, in the quiet, I decided to write. It has actually been awhile because of travel and family activities on the weekend and I have missed the quiet soul time. It takes the quiet for me to connect what God is doing in my life and hear what that still small voice wants to breathe into my being. The reminder that there is more to this life than what often consumes my attention. There is depth and beauty weaved throughout every moment in this life. There is joy and love ready when your eyes are open to it.

I had many blessings throughout this trip. But the culmination of this time was the opportunity to visit a school outside of Hyderabad India. My church has been actively involved in this school since it was just a God-inspired vision. I have been personally connected through student sponsorship and have wanted to visit for some time. It was a challenge to go as it was a long drive and I was leaving the hotel for the airport headed home at 2:15 am. But no matter how tired, I could not be so close and not see this miracle that God has engaged so many of us in. And so, Saturday after finishing a work offsite, friends from India and I set off on an hour and a half drive to visit with Pastor Caleb and the children. It is quite a trip to get there. In India, often the lanes don’t mean too much. Traffic is chaotic. They use horns instead of blinkers. We passed through construction and then finally a quiet, long bumpy dirt road in the dark. And then the school… The school was like a beacon of light in that darkness. But more than just a physical light in the darkness but a spiritual light!

We pulled up in front of the newly built, beautiful chapel. And I could see through the doors all the children sitting patiently on the floor waiting for our arrival. The minute we stepped out, I could feel the pulse of joy. I could see the love of Christ. I felt I was in a Holy place where God was at work. As we walked in, the children eyes lit up as they watched us come in. They knew I was from my church which bears the same name as the school. We are bonded as a community. We provide in love and they receive in love. And last night, they gave right back to me LOVE.

They sang and danced for us. They spoke passages from the Bible. They honored us and prayed for us. And on their knees, they sang the Lord’s Prayer at the end of the closing prayer. Those precious children’s voices singing touched me and my friend’s deeply. It brought tears to our eyes. And as we broke for dinner, these precious children surrounded me. They asked if I knew their sponsors. Their sponsors mean so much to them and their eyes lit up when I did. One of my best friends’s sponsored daughter kept coming back to me to let me know how much she loved my friend and asking how they were and would I hug them for her. They touched my hands and my blonde hair. They asked me my favorite colors and how many kids I had. I was surrounded by sweet children who wanted to know all about me. It was such a humbling and precious time. My heart was totally engaged with theirs. It took me back to my trip in Africa a year or so ago.

In Africa, my younger son and I were also surrounded by children on that mission’s trip. I remember asking my son after the first day, what struck him about the day. He said to me that he was touched by how little the children in Africa had and yet they were so joyful. And, I felt the same as I sat with these children last night. We have been so blessed where we live that we get distracted by it. At least for me, it is easy to lose perspective by all the excess and busy schedules. When much of it is stripped away, and your focus is on Christ and what he is providing and doing through you, his joy and peace flows through you. These children last night have been so blessed by being able to attend this school, build their chances for earthly success through education and most importantly reinforce their eternal success through the building of their faith. And joy was definitely flowing!

For those couple of hours, I slowed down and let God’s love flow in and through me. The rest of the pressures of life did not exist at that moment. I was present and I felt the hand of God. God has really been good to me in the past few years. He has sustained my heart even when it was breaking for my son. He has been teaching me about faith and to trust his sovereignty. And, he used my time at Stonebridge School last night to remind me that he is in control. He can build things that do not exist in order to provide for his children even connecting people halfway across the world. His hand is always there. I just need to look for it.

This idea of perspective had actually come to me earlier on my trip as I ran on the treadmill in Manila looking out over the streets. When you travel, you have to adapt to what the culture is. Often, moving through different countries, living in hotels, and trying to make your way through the day, you can be presented with challenges. It is not always easy and at different points, the lack of certain comforts can be frustrating and tiring. And before you know it, you get focused on those challenges and not on the blessings of the moment.

On this trip, I struggled adjusting my sleep patterns and was tired by so much travel, airports, different hotels, etc. I missed watching the news. I missed my family and being in easy and constant contact. And yet, I was aware of what a blessing it was to experience the different cultures. I got to work across the table with colleagues I mostly know through phone and email conversations. I got to be with work colleagues who have become my friends and meet new people. I was treated with such kindness in the hotels. It is all in how you set your perspective. I could have narrowed my focus on the lack of sleep or some of the perceived inconveniences and lack of certain comforts from home. I could have let myself get overwhelmed by all the things left undone because of my work schedule. But I didn’t and I was blessed by being present and opening my eyes to breadth and depth of this world he has created and all his children celebrating the differences.

Before I began writing, I went back to read the very first post I wrote on both-and thinking. I am so much further along today than when I was in that dark struggle almost a year ago. I am sure that I will feel struggle again. But, my perspective has definitely been changing. One of the sweetest questions asked last night was “what was my ambition?”. Well at 51, I don’t get asked that question anymore. It is more likely to be “what do you want to do when you retire”! My quick answer to this sweet child was to build my faith but I think it is really my hope to not stay narrowly focused on the challenge but open my eyes to the breadth of my life. I want to honor what God is doing in and through me. I want my life to be an expression of those children singing the Lord’s Prayer on their knees. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven... That is what God’s still small voice breathed into my being in India. Amen!

I will run this week in honor of all those precious children at Stonebridge School, the staff, and Pastor Caleb!

Trusting God enough to detach with love!

I started documenting my journey 42 weeks ago. I thought that through both the running journey and writing about what I am learning, it would progress my recovery from this family disease of addiction. My hope was also that it would provide encouragement to others on a similar journey and connect us in a network of loving support. And, it has done that.

But last week, I received a note from a friend that said she had read the blog and wished she was at the same place. The first thing I want to be clear about is that I am still struggling to live life in alignment with the truths that I am learning. I am working to incorporate what I am learning but it still is a process that includes reacting, awareness, and decisions to adjust my behavior. The beauty is that I recognize more quickly when I begin to spin or obsess or enable. Once that happens, I can choose to do things differently. Sometimes those are just baby steps. Because this is a journey, the terrain is more difficult at times and the speed and success with which I traverse that terrain varies. There are certainly times when my emotions do not catch up to my actions even when I make healthier choices in terms of how I engage. The good news is that I am learning that I can still choose to do things differently even when I feel fear. That is different behavior than when I would let my fear catapult me into self-reliance and control mode.

This week I have been challenged to take last week’s lesson to trust that “God has got it” and continue to apply it. There were issues with one of my children who was struggling with some tough decisions. There were significant ramifications tied to this decision including how life was aligning with this child’s values. It tears at a mother’s heart to hear the struggle in the sound of your child’s voice. It is easy to play out potential issues in your mind that will arise if the decision is not handled well. For me, the cycle of worry then begins and the need to intervene in some way. Now, the only real option in this case was to check-in and provide advice. But to do that would in some ways inflict my own anxiety on my child. I have done enough work now to recognize that. And it is certainly not what I wanted to do.

Our generation of parents is responsible for the incredible ramp-up of our kids’ schedules and responsibilities. Late baby-boomers and Generation X parents supported increasing our level involvement with and for our kids. We are actually to blame that our kids must start organized sports at a time when they used to be playing carefree in the neighborhood. We are the ones that drove schedules that make family dinners difficult and down-time a thing of the past. And we are the ones who created a life that involves so much pressure that we have to take on the role of orchestrator. Our kids cannot manage all the activities and pressures of school without our help. That shift in parenting continued to be reinforced with societal changes. The ability to be connected to our kids through cell phones at any given time created a lack of boundary that only reinforced that kind of reliance of our kids on our ability to organize, problem-solve and intervene. Make no mistake, we as a generation, have done it out of love and desire to provide the best for our kids. I am afraid we have limited their natural ability to learn how to manage life’s challenges. More importantly, as we continue to reinforce their reliance on us, we prevent their ability to learn to rely on themselves and develop the reliance on God. That is exactly in conflict with our ultimate desire which is for them to live their best lives.

I am absolutely guilty of all of this. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not have to experience pain. Often out of guilt from divorce and my work schedule, I would get overly involved and have had a hard time consciously stepping back as they grow up and should be taking on more responsibility. I do often operate out of fear which has only increased by watching my oldest struggle with addiction. But, I have also learned that my intervention, although well-intended, prevents them the honor and respect of solving their own problems. That experience is valuable and necessary for our kids to grow into strong, capable adults. So, this week, I really tried to limit my involvement and provide love and encouragement reinforcing that this is my child’s decision and issue to resolve. We expressed our support and we are here if our advice or help is requested. So, that is the good part of the story. But as I said earlier, I am on a journey and God is teaching. Although, I was choosing to do things differently, my feelings didn’t automatically become one of peace. I felt worry and even anger that my child was experiencing these issues. The primary reason I felt these emotions was that I wasn’t trusting that God was doing a good work in my child’s life through adversity. There is a concept that we discuss in Alanon that is “detaching with love”. It is hard to detach from your child’s circumstances with love, if you don’t truly trust that God loves your child and is walking the path with your child. If that trust is strong, you can be available to love and support but not carry the full weight of their burden. I have also recognized that I not only carry the weight of the burden but project my own outcomes and often carry the burden of my own imagination which is heavier than what they are experiencing. Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it, but is so easy to do. If I don’t turn my life, my will, and my circumstances including my children’s over to God then I do turn them over to something. That something looks like anger and fear for me. That is not a life that I want to continue to live.

I have also picked up a cold in the past few days and have not felt well. So, after a long work week, the weight of the emotions, and not feeling physically well, I really didn’t want to run yesterday. I needed to run in part to meet my goals and in part to demonstrate that I can push through my emotional state. And, I knew that exercise is always helpful in relieving the weight that comes from negative emotions. There are times when we have to think through what self-care means in a particular circumstance. We also have to accept that self-care is not self-indulgent but necessary for us to be our best selves including our best ability to parent. I was carrying the weight of my child’s situation that was taking the energy away from focusing on my life and my other commitments. My child was handling it better than I was and following through on commitments. I was the one who was shutting down. So, instead of crawling in the bed and withdrawing disguised as a nap, I got on my running clothes and ran through the better part of the first 3 quarters of the Ole Miss Football game. Amazingly, I felt better and actually ran 13 miles which is my longest run yet! I detached from circumstance and pushed through my emotional barriers. And, I am better today. I may still slip back but I have this lesson as a reminder. Life is a journey and our lessons enrich that journey every step! I need to remember for me as well as for my children.

So, I leave you with what I am focused on today:

GOD HAS GOT IT!

TRUST HIS OUTCOME!

DETACH WITH LOVE!

And I run today choosing to turn my circumstances and my children’s over to God.

Thank God, he has got this!

I am waking up feeling so much gratitude this morning. Certainly for blessings but really about how God showed off for me this week. I often pray just let me see your hand at work today. This week, I did a lot to try and take over his role in a situation with my younger son. My behavior suggested that I didn’t trust his hand although my words said otherwise. It happens so easily at times and sneaks up without you realizing that you have really moved into that control mode. With that comes burden that we were never meant to take on.

My younger son who just started at University of South Carolina decided that he wanted to go through Fraternity Rush. He did that taking into account a lot of considerations. He wants to be involved in Campus Ministries and had gotten a sense for which fraternities had active Christian boys involved. He wanted to do it despite not knowing anyone. As a friend said to me recently, everyone from 2 to 102 wants to belong somewhere. I get that. I was involved in a sorority when in college. It was a great experience for me. But, when you have one child who has struggled with addiction, you have concerns about activities your other children want to do. You want to protect them from this awful disease.

Well, the process began last week and we quickly learned there was the stated process and the real process. The first part was disappointing as the real process came to light. No real bad behavior but just made it more difficult if you don’t know people. So, I found myself wanting to help, protect his feelings, being concerned if he didn’t find a place and being concerned that he would. It was a swirl of emotions. I put the outcome on my “lay it on the altar” list which is meant to be an acknowledgement of the things that I need to turn over to God. I was saying what I knew to be truth. That God was really in control and he would manage this process with my son. But my behavior showed that I was definitely trying to control things. I also unintentionally was sending a message to my son that he couldn’t handle it. There was nothing in his approach that would indicate that. He had sought wise council on deciding to pursue this from his Christian friends and leaders. He had researched what groups might be supportive of his beliefs. And, he was putting it all in perspective. It was the mother who was struggling.

About mid-week, I woke up and thought this is crazy thinking. I prayed acknowledging that the story was already written, the events were orchestrated, and God is always good. So, I also prayed that I knew God would close the wrong windows and make light the right path. Then a day early, all three organizations that had been recommended because of having Christian boys, were engaging with my son. Two of them had already given most of their bids out in an early process. Then he got formal invitations from all three. The first invitation he received, he immediately connected to a guy active in fraternity ministries and then was introduced to many young men who were involved across campus in the various ministries. Now, who would have imagined that God would surround your child by Christian boys in an active dialogue during a Rush event. In fact, this particular fraternity has the most guys involved in all the campus ministries of any fraternities but had been clear that they had very little room at this point. But, God was working. Where there was no room, he made room. He connected these young men to my son and it was his affirmation that he could be in a fraternity and still be active in his faith goals. They did not know him except through some recommendations, his high school resume, and a few short conversations. But, I know God was clearing the way and honored my son’s desire. And, God demonstrated to me that he had it all along. There was no need to be fearful. I am thankful that I was reminded that my saying that “God has got it” is true in all things.

Now, I know that God is sovereign, all–powerful, and good all the time. I have had to trust in that with my oldest son’s sobriety. My next level of work is in the more routine, mundane parts of life. It is sometimes easier to trust in a crisis than in the day-to-day. Perhaps that comes from believing I can actually control the smaller issues. But the worry and the stress that comes from that again is a burden we were never meant to carry. It is like expending energy on a tug of war game. I give things over and then try very hard to take them back. But I am going to be the one that falls over because I was never meant to be in control. God is all-powerful not me. I was meant to live my life with my eyes and heart open to what God’s plan was. What if we woke up every day with a sense of wonder about what God was doing in our lives that day rather than ruminate about the past and worry about the future. I had a close friend say to me last week when I told her I was worried, “all we have is today”. I need to be present and grateful for what is going on in my life today. That same day, I had someone who knew nothing of this situation send me a link to a TED Talk by Louis Schwartzberg. It was a beautiful clip. Louis does time lapsed photography of flowers and you see life in nature moving. He said that when people see his photography they often say, “Oh My God.” He goes on to say that what that really means is:

OH- the beauty has captured your attention

MY- the beauty connects deep inside to your soul as a gateway to your inner voice

God- the beauty connects you to our desire for a personal journey with God that connects us to the celebration of life

He goes on to say that nature’s beauty is a gift that cultivates appreciation and gratitude. I know exactly what he means because that is how I feel as I sit at the beach watching the waves roll in and out. I feel connected to something much bigger than myself. I feel the presence of God. My burdens fade and I can breathe. I feel at peace.

Schwartzberg then provides a new clip building on the gratitude theme. It was touching. It reminded us that today is just “not another day”. Today is a gift fully unique and the appropriate response is gratitude. If you spend your day as if it is your first and last day, you will spend it well. When you look around and really open your eyes, you will see a unique sky, unique landscapes, unique weather, and unique faces with unique stories. That is being present! I have to believe you will see God’s hand with that level of intentional focus on the present. And if you experience the present and the gifts of God, it will flow to others through your eyes, your smile and your interaction- your presence. God will use it to bless others.

So, today I am filled with gratitude and wonder. God used a situation to teach me to trust. He is teaching me to be present. Feelings are human and sometimes all we can do is state what we know the truth is and pray. God will do the work to bring the peace. I don’t want to live my life playing tug-of-war with God. I want to live following his lead in this dance called life. I want to live my life in the present and trust that God is at work. And to live looking for his handiwork, hearing his voice, seeing his hand is to live life with a sense of wonder. It is to live life without the burdens we were never meant to carry. And it is to live life knowing that “Oh My God- You are right here and you have got this”. Halleluiah!!

Today I am definitely running with gratitude!!

It is well with my soul

I got up this Saturday morning and began to think about what I would write this weekend. It has been one of those periods where there has been so much sadness from suicides, accidental overdoses, and unexpected losses. The family from my home town for whom I asked for prayers last week did lose their son this week. Through Facebook, I got to see an outpouring of love that is almost indescribable. I can’t imagine what this actually felt like in the community given how touching it was from afar. It occurred to me that God was wrapping this family in his loving arms through his own children. How moving it must have been for that community to grieve, love and support each other, and cling to faith and prayer openly. What got demonstrated in different ways was there was more to this story than the death of this precious son. This child left not only an imprint on this community in his life and but now in his death. These grieving teenagers and their families have been forever impacted by the recognition that life is fleeting, there is strength in the bond of community, and faith brings hope and peace in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances. The truth is we all learn those lessons ultimately through our difficulties and tragedies not during times of prosperity. During the storms is when it gets seared into how we live our lives going forward. God redeems our tragedies in miraculous ways but ways we may not even ever see. But boy is that hopeful and healing! And, it brings peace out of the chaos.

So, this concept of peace has been on my mind. I was thinking about whether I should write about it this week. Then I got a precious note from a friend entitled Searching for Peace. That is it! God may not speak audibly but he does speak to our hearts and reinforces and directs our paths through our circumstances or through others. It is peace that I so desire. It is not happiness although that would be great. But, it is more than that- It is deeper and not contingent on circumstances or others. The feeling of happiness comes and goes. I yearn for the serenity that comes from a core faith that God is in control and even the bad can be redeemed. It is definitely a “soul thing.”

I have a favorite hymn- “It is Well With my Soul”. Just singing it brings tears to my eyes every single time. It touches me to the core- to my soul. The story of the writer, Horatio Spafford, is one of pain and grief. He lived in the latter part of the 1800s and first lost a son to Scarlet Fever. He was ruined financially when the Great Chicago Fire took place. While dealing with his business interests, he sent his wife with his four daughters on a ship to Europe. That ship sank and only his wife survived. On his way via ship to be with his grieving wife, he passed the area where his daughters perished and he wrote the words to this hymn. If you don’t know this hymn, please google it and listen. It will touch you. It is such an incredible expression of faith. I will quote a few verses that speak so beautifully to what could only be God-given peace in the middle of such tragedy.

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.

After confirming that it was peace I would write about today, I went to my normal Saturday morning Alanon meeting and the topic was serenity. There may be a technical difference but for me it was basically the same. And as usual, I walked away from that meeting with great wisdom around this topic so I thought I would share. The first is the concept of acceptance and surrender. That doesn’t mean to give up. It does meant to ”accept the things that I cannot change” and turn the rest over to God. I have actually started a “Lay it on the altar” journal. If there is something that I am worried about but cannot change, I write in this journal with space to come back later and document how God worked in the situation. There is not peace when we fight against something we have absolutely no control over. The concept of openness was also described as picturing ourselves with hands and arms opened and letting the power and the peace of God flow through rather than closing ourselves off. This also means honoring our feelings. You can grieve and still feel a sense of peace that God is at work. And lastly, there is a story in motion. A story of God’s miraculous provision was shared and the comment about how a circumstance does not have to be the end of the story. So, when we are faced with a difficulty, we can rest in the fact that there is more to the story. There is an ordained story and it is still unfolding.

I have seen tangible evidence of that this week in the life of the Wilbank’s family. Now this kind of peace in this kind of tragedy seems unattainable. The world view doesn’t support attainment of real peace. My feeling is the world view gets focused on personal achievement of happiness. If you are financially successful, then that should bring happiness. And it might for a time but it is not sustainable. Ask those that lost pensions and other financial resources in 2007 and 2008. The more you get done or acquire, the happier you are. I don’t know about you but we have evolved to such a pace it seems impossible to remain in the present and feel at peace. There is always another commitment to get to and an inability to do it all weighs heavy. It certainly doesn’t yield peace. And all that stuff, I can’t wait to get rid of it. It is a burden to me not a source of peace. One of my favorite verses is in John 14 as Christ’s encourages the disciples in anticipation of his betrayal and sacrifice on the cross. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” That is the peace that I desire. And, that peace is more than happiness. It is a deep abiding faith that speaks to my soul no matter the crashing waves or the darkness that comes. It is peace that also allows me to be present and see God’s hand and hear his voice. It is an assurance that enables me to say “It is well with my soul”.

I’ll leave you with a prayer that I wrote as a part of my Alanon work focused on turning my will and my life over to God.

Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love. Let your will be done.

And I run thanking God for his promise of a Peace that transcends all understanding!

God's grace reflected in our scars

One of the first things I read today was a post that a friend shared from the Christian band, Casting Crowns. It was talking about how we often go to church pretending that everything is fine; when in fact, we are beat up and wounded. And yet, church is the place for us to join together in our brokenness. It should be a safe place to be transparent about our journey. The comment that I loved the most from the band, I will quote directly. “Your scars are a road map to God’s grace in your life.” It just reinforces the beauty found in the pain when you believe that our scars reflect God’s grace.

That is such a precious thought to me and it takes me right to the gift of the cross. The scars of the cross provided the ultimate gift of grace. I am always amazed how we get to experience the meaning of the bigger gifts and lessons of Christ through the circumstances and the relationships in our lives. Maybe if we really believed and trusted our journey as a reflection of God’s grace, we would be better able to share the burdens that we and others carry.

I have been aware for a long time what a privilege it is when someone shares their heart with you. I had one of my special friends with whom I have reconnected exchange some messages last night and today mentioning that there was a lot swirling around in his mind. When I asked what was swirling around, he responded with great openness. By the end of that exchange, we acknowledged that our experiences open up a unique space to provide support to someone else who is walking a similar path. It is those same scars and grace that provide hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.

In order to be able to do that, there are a few lessons that come to mind. The first lesson is that we have to give ourselves a break. Your experience doesn’t have to be totally resolved and wrapped up in a bow to be valuable. It doesn’t even matter if you keep tripping over the same old stones like fear on the path. We all struggle with moving forward at times. There are lessons and gifts of grace that come even in that. It requires humility to acknowledge that we are weak or that our lives are imperfect. That’s ok. It gives God lots of runway to redeem the situation. So, release the burden of perfection, shame, or anything else you carry around that tells you that you are not equipped to support through sharing your story or brokenness. God can make a “Message out of Mess”. Our souls are created to yearn for the grace felt from being understood. Sometimes all somebody really needs is to feel understood and who best to do that than someone who has or is walking a similar path.

The second lesson is to listen for the opportunity to love somebody by engaging in their journey. I got to experience the blessing of this today. After church, I stopped by to have my nails done. A woman around my age came in with her mother to have a manicure done. I noticed that the daughter was quite careful with her mother and extremely loving. It could have been that they just always got along that way. However, I suspected that it was more than that.

It just so happened that the daughter finished 10 minutes or so before her mother and was sitting by me. So, I asked her if her mother lived with her. She ended up sharing that her mother had a quick onset of dementia after some successive surgeries that required anesthesia to which the doctors attribute her memory decline. She shared a bit about the challenge of losing the mother that she had known her whole life, finding her a new, safe environment for her mother, and the toll it had taken on her health as a result of the stress of it all. My heart was touched that she opened up to me like that. She ended on a note of love and heartfelt gratitude that she was thankful that there was place that cared for her mother well and was close by. I just responded that she was lucky to have her daughter. I watched her tears come and a big smile. She thanked me in a way I could tell that it was an encouragement to her. Maybe, it was an opportunity for her to share her burden for the moment. It was a moment that I felt was ordained. I heard God’s urging in my soul and reached out. Our souls are created to love and be an active tool of God’s grace. So, Listen for God’s urging in your soul. He calls us to love in the moment. And, sometimes, it’s a family member or friend and sometimes it’s a woman sitting next to you at the nail salon.

Lastly, trust that God is in the journey and that he’s not just there to catch you when you fall. He is in every step, supporting, teaching and guiding all along the way. It is so easy for me to lose sight of this. I have been working on Step 3 which talks about turning our will and our lives over to the care of God. As I was talking to my sponsor about how I have done over the last week since my younger son left for college. I mentioned that I was really struggling with not knowing what was going on. Did he have his books? Is it a challenge getting from one class to the other on time? How’s the food? And on and on… She kindly said to me, “I guess you’re still not turning over your will and life to God.”

And she was right. I have to trust that my son still has a parent there walking his path. This transition time is my journey. Regardless of the journey, the more you trust in God, the more you are able to see and experience his grace. And, the more you do that, the more you are willing to be transparent about the journey. You can see the beauty that rises from the ashes. Your soul is created to be in relationship with God. So trusting that God is in your journey with you, allows you to have faith that the scars of the journey will reflect God’s grace. When you know that, really know that, you are excited to be called in faith to enter into someone else’s journey no matter exactly where you are in yours!

With that said, I wanted to ask that you enter into some difficult journeys that I heard about yesterday from my home in Mississippi. Any of us can enter into these families’ journeys through prayer. There is young man who fell ill during a Friday night football game. He is in critical condition and not awake. The Wilbanks family needs your prayers. There have also been at least 5 kids hospitalized from Mississippi State University after smoking pot laced with a designer drug similar to LSD called N-bomb, 25I or Smiles. I read an article that said it could be the most deadly designer drug to date. Get educated and talk to your kids. I read one parent whose child told them that he smoked pot because he thought it was safer than alcohol. His pot was laced with this. All of it has the potential to be unsafe. These families do not know what the health outcome will be. There is sustained mania and other personality changes. The article said there are other long term effects outside of overdose that include seizures and kidney damage. This may sound a bit melodramatic but there is a drug war focused on our kids and there are enemies in this battle. We have got to battle back though our own education, educating our kids, and not dismissing behavior as normal adolescent behavior. It can be life and death.

So, I run today in support of these families and the difficult journey that they are on. Run with me through prayer!

Let the tears fall!

I woke up this Sunday morning just reflecting on the events of the past week. It was a big week in the life of my family. On Thursday, my baby girl started her senior year of high school. Then later that evening, my oldest picked up his 9 month chip from his AA home group. And finally yesterday, I dropped my other son at school to begin his freshman year at the University of South Carolina. It has been an emotional week for me. One with many emotions represented often in waves coming one right after the other.

With that said, I have had precious time and conversations with my kids as they enter new phases of life. My daughter was full of excitement. She said that she and her friends would take the senior year by storm participating in every event. They wanted to be the best senior class ever at their school. It will be a joy to watch them experience it to the fullest! My oldest talked to me about achieving 9 months of sobriety. It was a great achievement but he spoke with such humility. He knew that he made it to that point with God’s help and his program. It will take staying aware of that reliance on God to keep moving forward in this life of ongoing sobriety. He was not comfortable being recognized publicly but grateful for the strength God has given him. Lastly, my younger son felt a mix of emotions from excitement to nervousness. But, he was ready to move through the anxiety into this new phase in his life. Believe me; the momma felt all of those emotions and more.

I wasn’t sure exactly what I would write about today. I just wanted to take some time and explore what I was feeling. Then I read an excerpt from Frederick Buechner that resonated with me. He talked about tears and encouraged us to pay close attention to when tears come. He suggested that they are telling us something about who we are. He also suggested that God speaks to us through our tears of the mystery of where we come from and where we should go next. I have heard before that our eyes are the opening to our souls. If so, tears must reflect our soul’s yearning.

Given all that we were experiencing this week, tears were an ever present threat for me. I tried to keep them at bay but they were at the surface often. It wasn’t until I was ready to leave my son at school did my tears finally fall. So in the spirit of Frederick Buechner, I thought I would explore my tears and what God might be showing me in the midst. And so, I thought back over the past few days and here are some of the core emotions that generated tears and some insight.

Tears of Gratitude- My son’s milestone of 9 months has been looming. It is a very difficult hurdle for addicts to get over. He had not made it before due to relapse. So, this was symbolic in many ways of progress. It was a hopeful sign that he is truly learning and committed to living in recovery. I feel such gratitude that God worked in “the valley of the shadow of death” last fall to speak to my son. He brought strength out of weakness and has continued to walk the path with my son. Without active addiction in the way, we have continued to strengthen our relationship through honesty and encouragement rather than manipulation and enablement. My tears came because I am so thankful that we made it through that dark time and are living in the light today. And, I am so proud of that courage and perseverance that he has demonstrated to get to this point. My son is an awesome example of both God’s creation but God’s love for his children. My son has a meaningful story to tell about walking with God along a difficult path. His courage and humility is inspiring and God is so gracious!! May God continue to teach me to live with courage and humility and to rely on Him both in the good times and the difficult times.

Tears of Anticipation- Listening to my daughter talk about how she wanted to experience her senior year brought a smile that bubbled up from within and brought tears to my eyes. She was looking at her year from the eyes of opportunity. That made me think about how often I look forward with anxious thoughts. I let fear come in and overwhelm me at times. Or, I lose sight of all that is miraculous because I get overwhelmed by the mundane. My daughter is looking at ways to live life to the fullest while my focus has often just been for survival. My daughter is taking an active approach to her story. She will have a meaningful story to tell as she opens herself up to the possibilities of what God is putting before her. Her openness is inspiring and God is so gracious! May God continue to teach me to live with an openness and sense of opportunity and to rely on Him for the future.

Tears of Fear- Yesterday, as we walked through campus, we talked about how my son was feeling. He was definitely nervous. But, he knew this was where he was supposed to be and would work through that. He even commented that he was glad that they were having a floor meeting in the dorm. He saw it as a chance to meet new people. Now, my son is introverted in new situations. But, he was ready to push through the fear to take the next steps towards getting settled in his new situation. He has had a year of taking a faith stand and moving forward with a God-focus. As a result, he was teased and cut-out of some old friendships but reached out to those with whom he could draw support from. He made a college choice based on where he could be the most successful with his faith and desire to serve. He even went to camp to serve, a day after having hand surgery making it difficult to do normal tasks. He has demonstrated a commitment to God’s plan and persevered with courage. As I left him at the dorm, the tears finally fell. These tears were a mix of emotions. But, my tears of fear were for potential challenges that he might experience that I cannot protect him from. His journey is now between him and God. His faith and perseverance is inspiring and God is so gracious. May God continue to teach me faith and perseverance through the fear and to rely on him to walk the path guiding us all along the way.

Tears of Grief- There have been tears of grief this week. I am sad that I do not get to see my oldest son very often. I would have loved to have been there when he received his 9 month chip. The reality is that I will not be at all the meaningful events in their adulthood. I will miss having my youngest son around. He will likely not live in our house but for defined periods again. The time with him flew by and that makes me sad. And finally, I only have one more year with my daughter at home. So, it is easy to take a leap forward and dread the empty nest and the loss of her presence. There were many things along the way that I wish had been different during their years at home. It brings tears to my eyes just typing that statement in. But, in Ecclesiastes, we are reminded that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity. So to continue to grieve their absence, although human, doesn’t acknowledge God’s plan.

That is what I am left with after this reflection. I must trust God’s plan. I must move forward with faith, humility, courage, perseverance and openness to what God has in store for me. My life is an ongoing story of God’s call and his graciousness. Phil 3:13,14 says, “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

And, I must trust him in the same way with my kids. I can only speak from a mother’s viewpoint. But, parenting that occurs with addiction and recovery and even the transition of our children to adulthood is a hard and a scary to transition to make for a mother. I know I am joined by many of you who are dealing with one or both of these situations right now. As mothers, our lives are so focused on the care and nurture of our children. We can lose sight that motherhood is only one aspect of who God called us to be. And, if our life’s success is only measured by the challenges of our kids experience or the choices that they make, then that leaves us either in a very difficult, desperate place or in a position that places us above God. We are called to love, to teach and to nurture our children. We do not take the place of God in their lives. We cannot control all of their life circumstances or their free will. I know I have certainly tried but am realizing just how ludicrous that really is and how easy it is for me to try to take that role. Thankfully, God is ever present and has the strength and power to intervene in the good and the bad. I can leave it to the expert!

God does have a plan for our lives that goes beyond our kids. Our lives still have a calling despite the current state of our child’s recovery. God still has a plan for us beyond having kids in the house. And, he is still perfecting our faith through his gifts and trials. There is a new season planned. So, let the tears fall. As Buechner said, let God speak to you about the mystery of where you have come from and where you should go. Finally, may we be inspired by a new season and God’s graciousness!

In honor of our kids heading off to their freshman year in college, I leave you with a verse from a prayer I wrote for my son:

For he was HIS before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.


I run today cheering for all the new seasons begun!

Pain is inevitable; Suffering is not...

Since I began sharing the challenges my family was facing a year or so ago and especially since the blog, I have had the privilege of being asked to enter the journeys of many other families dealing with addiction. I use the word “privilege” intentionally. In my last blog, I talked about how God provides for us, loves us and strengthens us through others. And, it is our greatest call to love one another. So, when someone opens up about their challenges, their pain, and their vulnerabilities, I am quite aware of that holy command. I am also aware of the fact that God connects us for a purpose. So, I do not take lightly someone’s willingness to let me in and share their story. It is definitely my privilege.

Within the last week, I was touched by a family who is earlier in the process of dealing with a child’s addiction. They are in such a place of fear and grief. That sense of being totally ill-equipped to handle this crisis coupled with the fear can lead you straight to a place that lacks hope. They are there. In this case, the mother is struggling and often is curled up in a ball both literally and figuratively. It is so much pain. I know that pain because I have been there. In fact, 9 Months ago today, I was sitting in my car at a softball field watching a wave of texts flooding my phone. I knew my son had relapsed and I had refused to send money. The disease was in control. And the disease is vicious especially when you threaten it. Believe me, the barrage of texts were vicious. I was panicked and I was hurt. I also knew that my bottom had come. I turned off the phone and went to watch my daughter’s last competitive softball game. I sat there trying to focus on my daughter with tears brimming as I realized the next steps that needed to occur.

The next week, I was curled up in a ball on my bed as I let my child move into his car, cold and hungry,and in withdrawals. Now, I am sure there are some of you who are thinking that you could never do that. I get that. The year before, I would have probably said the same thing. But, I had come to realize no matter how hard I tried to only give money for certain things, it was in the end enabling him to continue in the disease. I had a counselor tell me in a kind way that “I was loving my child to death”. I knew I could not be the one who gave him money meant for food that got used for drugs and ended in a fatal overdose. I had finally accepted at some level that he might very well succumb to this disease. I could not survive knowing that I gave him the money that he used for that last fix. And so, we cut him off financially but stayed in communication. And as I was curled up in a ball on my bed for that week, I was receiving period texts from my precious son begging me to let him come home. My heart and my spirit were broken but I stood firm. I still tear up when I think about that. I pray that we are spared another week like that. The good news is that it was the beginning of a serious recovery for my son. His community helped him work through the next steps. This is now his longest stretch of recovery and he is making great strides. Praise God! He would tell you that although it was the worst week of his life, it was actually the best!

As I think about how far we have both come since that time, it is astounding. He has been in school, working and about to hit a real hallmark of 9 months sober. He is working his program, serving as a sponsor and is focused on recovery. I have been involved in Alanon and started my running project and this blog. I am connected to this community of recovery. The bigger challenges, the emotional swings, I don’t feel every day. I don’t have a sense of panic every time the phone rings and I see my son’s name come up. He and I have a really strong relationship that involves mutual encouragement. It is very special. There are still painful thoughts that come from time to time but I have learned tools to help me move through that. I don’t live every day anymore with a sense of dread that comes from the weight of that pain.

We talked about this concept of pain in a meeting this week. The thought that resonated with me from that discussion is that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. As I think about how far I have come with the help of all the support that I have received, here are three things that I have really learned that allow me to have experienced the pain but not continue the suffering.

1.Moving my faith in God from “believing to trusting”- I have believed since I was a child but what I have realized is that I often do not trust God. Being able to place my child on the alter like Abraham did with Isaac has been a process. Abraham had complete trust in God’s plan and his love for Isaac. I am still not there fully. But, today I am much closer to recognizing that God loves my child more than I ever could and is in this battle with him. So, moving from belief to real trust is key! It’s like going from knowing it to owning it! Without that trust, you will suffer.

2.Giving myself permission to “shed the shame”- As much as I don’t won’t to admit it, I was ashamed of the fact that this happened in my family. I asked all the questions of myself like “Did you not teach your child enough about the dangers of drugs”. Or, “why didn’t you see the risks of pain medicines when he was in and out of the hospital for 5 months with lung issues?” Lastly, “what will people think of me as a parent or my son?” Believe me; you can really do a number on yourself with all these questions. They infer that you somehow caused it. I was suffering. I have finally come to understand that this is our story. I didn’t cause it and I can’t control or cure it. I can honor what God is doing in our lives, though. And if there are people who make judgments, so be it. We are all faced with different challenges and we learn and grow at different paces. But, to carry shame is not honoring to God or me and is self-inflicted suffering.

3.Seeking comfort through “God-sight in hindsight”- One of my causes of suffering has been my need to control and experiencing the reality that I actually cannot control it all. The more I have learned to accept that and turn it over, the more peace I can find. There were many days that I just prayed let me see your hand at work. Just show me you are there in this chaos. I have written a lot. One gift in that is being able to look back over time and see how God’s hand was in motion preparing for the next steps of this journey. God placed people in our lives at the perfect time. There were subtle provisions that over time built a stronger foundation. That ability to see God’s hand and comfort in hindsight leads me full circle back to trust. Being able to trust that God is working in everything allows me to acknowledge my pain but settle back into that comfort. Peace replaces suffering.

The other sweeping and fundamental wisdom that I have learned is that everyone has their own journey. Although, I have more wisdom and insight at this point doesn’t mean that I know the right next step for myself much less for another person. Each person dealing with addiction comes through that by wrestling with it themselves. I hope that the fact that I am living life despite having a child who is working through recovery without being weighed down by the suffering is hope and encouragement that you can move forward. I know that I could get a call tomorrow that he has relapsed. And, I would go back to that place of pain and suffer a bit. But, I now have knowledge and tools that I can choose to employ to mitigate that suffering. I can trust God that there is no shame and that he is active in my life and my son’s no matter how bleak. What a gift that is! For those that haven’t walked this path, I urge you to suspend judgment of another parent or spouse. They have to walk their own journey to get to a place of recovery. It is traumatic. And, unless you have been there, you cannot fully understand. We have to get to our bottom as well to propel us to seek our own recovery just like the addict. So, listen and love. Pray for God’s presence to be felt.

If you think about it this week, please send up a prayer for my son. He will hit his 9 month mark of sobriety. He has not hit that in the past 3 years since he went to rehab. It is a very difficult hurdle to make and many don’t. I pray for his strength. And, I celebrate what God has done and the courage I see in my son.

I leave you with my 3rd Step prayer:

Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love.

Today, I run with the knowledge that pain is evitable; Thank God,suffering is not!

Hope found in a commitment to love one another!

I had the privilege of going to the place where I grew up and attend the wedding of the daughter of some of my closest friends. It was a beautiful and celebratory event. Weddings are always special, hopeful times. For me, this one was especially meaningful. Maybe it was because it was the first wedding of a child of one of my closest friends. Perhaps it was because I was surrounded by some of my oldest friends and many others who were a part of the fabric of my “growing up” years. Or, maybe it was the faces of the bride and groom who clearly adored each other or the faces of the parents who beamed with pride and joy for these precious young adults. I am sure it was in part all of that. But, I think a big part of what impacted my heart was the hopefulness that came from their commitment of love for one another in such a public way. A commitment that then changes your life from that day forward.

During the wedding, they used a beautiful set of verses from the book of Colossians. I am paraphrasing but the verses remind us that we are chosen by God for this life. Therefore, we are called to be compassionate, kind, humble, even-tempered, quick to forgive, to demonstrate a quiet strength and discipline and wrap it all in love. There we all were witnessing these two young, precious people make this commitment to one another. They promised to love one another, forgive one another, and support one another in the good times and the bad times. And we cheered them on quietly in our hearts and through prayers. And then, we cheered loudly through clapping as they were presented for the first time as husband and wife. We celebrated as a community of people who love this couple and this family. We committed to support their vows to this union. And yes, today is a new day in their lives and the lives of their families- a day with the reality that a new chapter has begun.

As I sit on the plane headed home, I am reflecting on this weekend. The minister reminded us that a marriage is a symbol of Christ’s relationship with the Church. We are meant to express love and commitment regardless of circumstances, the good and the bad times, in wealth and poverty, and in sickness and in health. It is a relationship intended to endure through love and in support of the challenges that life inevitably brings. The wedding is an overt expression of this commitment both for the husband and wife but also a community who is called to love and support this couple.

I began to think of my larger community. Not only had I gotten to be a part of this special occasion but I was able to spend time with some of my oldest friends- those I grew up from elementary school through high school, those who were so special to me in my college years, and others who enriched my life at different times throughout all of those years. They were a group of people for whom God chose to go on their own life journeys as well as be a part of mine. I am struck by all that is happening in their lives, the beginning and endings. In the swirl of this life, the good and the bad are all present. There are weddings and divorces, addiction and recovery, illness and healing, clarity and confusion, times of stress and times of rest. There are newly emptied “nests” that bring sadness and also new opportunities. There is loneliness and joy. There is grief and peace. I see it all and feel it all. It is present in my life, too.

There are people in my life who are waking up today with tremendous burdens. We live in a world with great challenges. It can be so hard at times. And often, people suffer their burdens in silence. I know from experience, when we choose to suffer in silence, we give so much power to the burden. Putting a voice to the pain frees us up to share the burden with God and with those in our lives who are there to support us- our community. In this wedding, we were asked to formally acknowledge that we would support this couple in their relationships in any way that we could through prayer, words, and deeds. There is a purpose in this commitment that we live in relationship. God provides for us through others. He strengthens us through others. He loves us through others. And it is our greatest call to love one another.

So if a marriage is a symbol of the relationship of Christ’s love for his church, the community called to love a newly married couple is also a symbol of Christ’s love for his children. We are not meant to survive this earth on our own. We are called to be in relationship and to provide that support. What if we used a version of vows or personal commitment to drive our interactions differently with not only our spouses but those people whom God has placed in our lives or will place in our path today? What if we prayed today to reflect those attributes like forgiveness, compassion, and love? What if we put voice to our pain and reached out for the power found in a loving, supportive relationship? What if we acknowledged with great humility that our lives are not perfect and we aren’t sure how to take the next step forward? What if we opened our hearts to someone else’s struggles and demonstrated love without expectation? Finally, what if we looked for something to be grateful for even in the midst of the storm?

What would the possibilities be? Well, maybe a glimmer of hope would shine through… That same hope we see as a newly married couple walks down the aisle headed to a new phase of life. Maybe, the weight of our sorrow and burdens would lesson when we give voice to it rather than try to hide it. Maybe, if we learned to give and receive love in its many forms, we would experience God’s presence, His Peace, and His Hope.

I am a bit overwhelmed today about just how blessed I have been. Yes, I have had some difficult seasons of my journey. But, I have been surrounded by people all my life who love me and who I love right back. They are my community. There have been times when I hid my burdens, though. I suffered in silence. As I look back, those are some of my darkest days. In the recent past, I am trying to take the power from my burdens by putting that voice to the sorrow or fear. My community has been there cheering me on and encouraging me in those new steps forward much like we cheered the bride and groom as they stepped forward. My desire is to provide insight into my challenges and healing through this blog in order to transform the power of addiction into the power of healing. Hopefully it provides some form of support for others dealing with similar struggles. It is certainly healing me.

Just like in wedding vows, we are called to live out our lives with love, compassion, forgiveness regardless of our circumstances. For the loved one of a person who suffers from addiction, our lives cannot be contingent on our loved one’s sobriety. God wants a life for us that is more than a reaction to life circumstances but is rooted in the peace of a much stronger foundation, a truth to hang on to. He has the gift of Peace that is not reliant on our circumstances. It is not easy to live our lives focused on the greater truth rather than the circumstances that surround us. But one thing that I have learned is that there is no peace without it. And, it must be done in loving relationship with God and through love poured out through one another.

So, if anyone is willing to join me, I intend to write a set of vows or really a commitment to how I will live each day. I will answer those questions above. I will put a voice to the burden. And, I will write those vows with an intention to commit myself to that life each day. I want the joy of walking down the aisle into the rest of my life lived out one day at a time. If you are willing to do the same, I encourage you to share that with God and someone in your life- your support, your community. Put a voice to your burden, reach out for support, commit to loving others, and commit to loving yourself. If for some reason, you cannot take that step to reach out to your closest community, there are professionals and support groups with whom you can share your burden. For that matter, contact me. Just reach out to someone. Don’t suffer in silence. Let someone pray for you, clap for you and encourage you as you head down your aisle into your next step in life. There will be a time that you can clap and encourage someone else. And yes, today can be a new day in your life or in the lives your family and friends- a day with a hope and a reality that a new chapter has begun.

Love and congratulations to my sweet friends as their family expands into this new beginning. You know how important you are to me!

Today, I run with hope and a great love for my friends, my community!

Remember who made you!

I sent a quick text to a friend yesterday out of concern and frustration on a particular issue with one of my children. The message was “Once again, I feel ill-equipped to handle this…” This has been a phrase that I have repeated over the last few years as I have dealt with my son’s addiction. I have found myself in that frame of mind more so than the years before addiction. Even when my kids had their various health issues, I had a plan with the Doctor and we made steps towards health. Of course, my son’s treatment for his lung issues ended up being the catalyst for his battle with addiction. So, even there, my tidy plan of attack had unanticipated outcomes. I really wasn’t equipped to see what could come from his treatment plan.

Later yesterday afternoon, after doing a deep clean in my daughter’s room in preparation for her return from camp, I wanted her to feel welcomed home and to know how special she is. So, I put some fresh flowers and wrote a welcome home card. And in that card, I reinforced how much she was missed and what a special part of the family and as a person she is. Then I reminded her of the verses, Psalm 139: 13, 14, 16, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well…All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

I do remember those adolescent days when it is so easy to question how special you really are. For some reason, It seems to be easier to focus on areas that you believe you don’t measure up to like being funny enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, smart enough and on and on. I want my daughter and all of my children to know that their real value. That is their value as a child of God not based on some definition that the world around them reinforces. The world’s view is deceptive from retouched photos in magazines to promoting products that make your life easier or better to valuing personal happiness over and above other reflections of character or lessons. The world’s view says perfection is power and anything less is weak.

If that were truth, why do we feel more inspired when we hear stories of perseverance and how people managed through struggle than some story about someone who has achieved “success” without any significant obstacle to overcome? If our personal happiness is more important than an “other-oriented” sacrificial spirit, why does doing something for others so often give us more joy than the effort or money expended or even the impact to the person receiving? Why do those people who are transparent build trust and deeper relationships than those who tell you only what represents them in the best light? And lastly, why when we look back over a very difficult time, are we often more apt to say that we grew as a person more than the times when things came easily. The reality is the world’s view is deceptive and doesn’t really value things such as the importance of struggle in our development, grace and love that is expressed outward, the value of the whole person, and a faith in things unseen. It plants ideas in our heads that we often wrestle with internally. It focuses our thoughts on some set of deficits or weakness and can absolutely damage our emotional well-being. It is does not bring light into our lives. But, we were created in the image of God so truth, mercy, grace and sacrificial love resonate in our soul. That is why what the world reinforces can leave us empty while the antithesis can fill our spirits.

As a parent of a child struggling with addiction, it is hard to operate in this world especially early on. You walk up to conversation and parents love to tout all the really good stuff that is happening with their kids. If your child’s life has been active addiction, there is often not a lot of good stuff going on. Somehow, talking about angry communications of the disease or desperate acts like stealing money from people they love doesn’t flow well with descriptions of National Honor Society participation and making the Soccer Challenge Team. Those of you who are parents of struggling teenagers know exactly what I am talking about here. Those parents are worried about how much homework is being given in an AP class and the stress for their child. I was worried about whether my child would be arrested or even worse die from his disease. The disease is destructive not only to the addict but also those who love the addict. It can separate us from the world around us. I know I found that it was hard to go to church, school events, etc. I did my best to avoid questions or deflect an answer with some silly response like, “well, my son’s a little behind on his college schedule. You know sometimes boys take a little longer to come around…” And, often, I would do whatever I could to politely excuse myself from the situation. I got really good at it. It was hard. My heart was breaking and I felt guilt for my perceived inadequacies as a parent. Their child was thriving. Why not mine?

But, over the last three years, both my son and I have wrestled this in our individual recovery journeys. I have better learned to battle my fears and to understand that his life will be different than I pictured. But the real truth was that it never really was my life story to write. This is a story of God and my son, his child- “All his days were ordained before one of them came to be”. God’s will is better than one I could design anyway. His has an eternal and perfect view. I have to accept that and trust it. I also have to accept that truth for me as well. I have learned so much more about the disease and have such compassion for the struggle. I feel great love when I see my son’s strength as he deals with his life circumstances. And sometimes, it is actually in his weakness that I see his strength. The days when the gravity of his life weighs heavy and he still takes one more step forward. He stays sober one more day. I see courage as he allows me to tell parts of his story in this blog. He is focused on truth. That is real strength and is exactly what God intended. He tells us in II Corinthians that in our weakness is when God’s power is made perfect and we become strong. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So, today I may “feel” ill-equipped or inadequate but I need to remember the same message that I gave to my daughter is true for me too. I am a child of God and wonderfully made. And even more than that, I am wonderfully made for the plan God has for my life. That plan is my journey. I am not working my way to get to the plan. I am living out his plan. Feelings are natural but they are not the truth. But, they can point us to the truth which is God is in control. His plan is perfect and when we don’t feel strong, HE IS. And, when we don’t feel able, HE CAN. So, God doesn’t want us to hang on to our feelings of fears, guilt, shame, and inadequacy. He can use them, however, to send us straight back to him. And through faith, despite our feelings, he can build our relationship with him and teach us to trust in his Truth. .. To create strength where there is weakness… To reflect his power regardless of our circumstances. We all were fearfully and wonderfully created for that.

I acknowledge some days are very hard. I wish I could have learned much of the same in a different way. But, I have found hope that joy can still exist even when there are challenges. We can see God’s hand at work in our lives and in those we love. We can practice looking for it by praying that our eyes will be opened to see it. That is actually most often my prayer for people who are in the midst of struggle that they will feel the presence of God and see his hand in action.

So today, I may be ill-prepared to handle certain things. But the good news is- MY GOD IS FULLY PREPARED. So, through loving the unlovable, honoring our journey no matter what, being authentic and relying on our faith in God is light in this world. We are in the process of being perfected through our journeys. We are being loved and empowered uniquely through our Creator as his child. So, wherever you journey takes you even if painful at times, that knowledge when fully trusted is enough. I am still working on learning to fully trust- one day at a time!

And, I will run today with the hope and knowledge that God created me perfectly for just this journey.