55- who can believe it! I seem to dread mid-decade birthdays. This one has been a doozy! Well, it’s the day after and I’m still alive at 55. The sun rose today (although behind a bank of clouds- metaphorical somehow). I don’t think I added a new wrinkle overnight although I need to put on my glasses to be sure! I say that jokingly but it has been a year of personal exploration and change. This post will be authentic, maybe a little self-indulgent, but in case there are others going through a similar transition, I thought I’d share. The reality is I have been grieving at some level the hopes and dreams that haven’t materialized. I am also acutely aware of time passing. For a while now, I have recognized that a season was passing and my journey was shifting. I find myself in an uncomfortable place of being unsure where my path is now heading.
My house is quiet- no more children to care for or at least not on a daily basis. And with the kids gone, much of my interaction with other parents and friends that took place at school events, ball fields, or the poolside have disappeared. I didn’t count on that. I wasn’t prepared for that. It is quiet and it is lonely.
At work, the landscape is shifting. It is really no longer my escape. A comfortable place with a clear plan for success. For right or wrong, it has been my place of strength and reinforcement over the years as challenges came in my personal life. It is shifting. With all the change, there are times when I am uncertain about my value, my purpose, just who I am at this stage of life...
And finally, the mirror doesn’t lie. Time is passing. Sometimes I see pictures and almost don’t recognize my profile. Sometimes I see my arms- good grief! My girlfriends will understand that! A few weeks ago, a woman stopped me who I would guess to be somewhere between 65 and 70. She said with good intent that she loved my outfit and women of our age should continue to dress with such style no matter what others say. Here I am struggling with turning 55. I didn’t know whether to be more shocked by being considered a decade plus older or that my outfit was somehow inappropriate for a “woman of my age”. Goodness, I had just come from church!
Yes, the journey is shifting! I spent several quiet hours yesterday in introspection- reading, writing, thinking, praying... I asked myself questions like Who am I now? What’s important to me- my passions and dreams? What can I hold on to when everything around me seems to be changing? I though about a picture I often share when I am coaching people through change in work. Picture the ocean. If you focus in on the waves, you see energy, movement in and out, the breaking down of shells and tumbling of marine life. You can lose your footing in the waves. But closing your eyes and listening, the waves become soothing. If you lift your eyes just a bit, you see the calmness of the horizon where the sky meets the ocean. Although in reality it may be rougher than we can see, it is a sign of peace and beauty. A change in perspective makes all the difference! Everyone needs a horizon to hold on to.
For many of my friends, this is a season of transition too.. For me, it is definitely a season of transition and transformation inside and out. I often describe our stories as a holy journey. We are more than our circumstance, our worst choice, painful wound or best accomplishment. We are more than physical beauty including the wrinkles on our face. We are uniquely created for a purpose on this earth. And, our journey is about shaping us, teaching us, equipping us, and guiding us towards our purpose. And based on all our experiences, we have a heart that can reflect kindness, compassion, love and beauty differently and more than our youthful face yet to experience all the ups of downs of life. Our hearts reflect the richness of our experiences. It adds depth that allows us the opportunity to not only live out our purpose but be a light to world in desperate need. A holy journey.
I know this. I believe this. But truthfully today, I am struggling with a fear that my world is growing smaller. That I am losing the chance to pursue dreams, impact lives, enjoy new challenges and experiences, grow friendships. I’m just not ready for that. I have a lifetime of experiences, things to contribute, time to invest, love to share, a community to explore and with which to engage. And as I reflect back over the years, I have had a life of challenges and blessings, tears and laughter, weakness and strength, chaos and clarity. I can’t focus on just one or other. If I only focus on the positive gifts, I could miss the gift of faith and all the character that is built through adversity. If I only focused on the adversity and challenge, I could assume a mantle of shame, bitterness, or woundedness and miss God’s gift of provision. The truth is they are all gifts and a part of who I am as your experiences are a part of you. You see I believe God uses our steps to prepare us for next part of our journey. Even better than that, not only does He prepare us, he is walking it out with us through the Spirit. We are not walking our paths alone.
So, at 55, I will still struggle at times with the loss of all that I am leaving behind in life. Roles that I have loved and dreams for which I have yearned. At the same time, as this season moves forward with its own waves, I will hang on to my “horizon”. My belief that God has a purpose for me that is still being lived out in my life. And, that purpose will be better than anything I could design on my own.
My prayer is that God will use me in the coming days and years as a loving force for good, compassion, and kindness. That my journey will connect with others in a meaningful way. That despite the misssteps, the fears, times of shaken faith, or slips of a judging spirit, I pray that in the end, my life will be a broken hallelujah. His strength perfected in my weakness. His light showing through my imperfect attempts to Show love. My prayer is one of an open heart able to discern opportunities to engage in my purpose, open eyes to see need around me and open hands to give as called.
And as I move into this next season of which I feel so unsure at the moment, I need to shift my perspective. I will give myself the same advice I gave my son last week at his college graduation. To look to the next steps not with worry but anticipation as God walks me down the path he has prepared in advance for me to go. My horizon- my holy journey. I am not alone and neither are you.
So at 55, I’m still alive with a purpose. I am grateful for every step and those who have loved and supported me along the way and for those whom I have had the privilege to love and support as well. God is Good! So, here goes 55!
Proverbs 4:25,26 “Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established by God.”
