Since I began sharing the challenges my family was facing a year or so ago and especially since the blog, I have had the privilege of being asked to enter the journeys of many other families dealing with addiction. I use the word “privilege” intentionally. In my last blog, I talked about how God provides for us, loves us and strengthens us through others. And, it is our greatest call to love one another. So, when someone opens up about their challenges, their pain, and their vulnerabilities, I am quite aware of that holy command. I am also aware of the fact that God connects us for a purpose. So, I do not take lightly someone’s willingness to let me in and share their story. It is definitely my privilege.
Within the last week, I was touched by a family who is earlier in the process of dealing with a child’s addiction. They are in such a place of fear and grief. That sense of being totally ill-equipped to handle this crisis coupled with the fear can lead you straight to a place that lacks hope. They are there. In this case, the mother is struggling and often is curled up in a ball both literally and figuratively. It is so much pain. I know that pain because I have been there. In fact, 9 Months ago today, I was sitting in my car at a softball field watching a wave of texts flooding my phone. I knew my son had relapsed and I had refused to send money. The disease was in control. And the disease is vicious especially when you threaten it. Believe me, the barrage of texts were vicious. I was panicked and I was hurt. I also knew that my bottom had come. I turned off the phone and went to watch my daughter’s last competitive softball game. I sat there trying to focus on my daughter with tears brimming as I realized the next steps that needed to occur.
The next week, I was curled up in a ball on my bed as I let my child move into his car, cold and hungry,and in withdrawals. Now, I am sure there are some of you who are thinking that you could never do that. I get that. The year before, I would have probably said the same thing. But, I had come to realize no matter how hard I tried to only give money for certain things, it was in the end enabling him to continue in the disease. I had a counselor tell me in a kind way that “I was loving my child to death”. I knew I could not be the one who gave him money meant for food that got used for drugs and ended in a fatal overdose. I had finally accepted at some level that he might very well succumb to this disease. I could not survive knowing that I gave him the money that he used for that last fix. And so, we cut him off financially but stayed in communication. And as I was curled up in a ball on my bed for that week, I was receiving period texts from my precious son begging me to let him come home. My heart and my spirit were broken but I stood firm. I still tear up when I think about that. I pray that we are spared another week like that. The good news is that it was the beginning of a serious recovery for my son. His community helped him work through the next steps. This is now his longest stretch of recovery and he is making great strides. Praise God! He would tell you that although it was the worst week of his life, it was actually the best!
As I think about how far we have both come since that time, it is astounding. He has been in school, working and about to hit a real hallmark of 9 months sober. He is working his program, serving as a sponsor and is focused on recovery. I have been involved in Alanon and started my running project and this blog. I am connected to this community of recovery. The bigger challenges, the emotional swings, I don’t feel every day. I don’t have a sense of panic every time the phone rings and I see my son’s name come up. He and I have a really strong relationship that involves mutual encouragement. It is very special. There are still painful thoughts that come from time to time but I have learned tools to help me move through that. I don’t live every day anymore with a sense of dread that comes from the weight of that pain.
We talked about this concept of pain in a meeting this week. The thought that resonated with me from that discussion is that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. As I think about how far I have come with the help of all the support that I have received, here are three things that I have really learned that allow me to have experienced the pain but not continue the suffering.
1.Moving my faith in God from “believing to trusting”- I have believed since I was a child but what I have realized is that I often do not trust God. Being able to place my child on the alter like Abraham did with Isaac has been a process. Abraham had complete trust in God’s plan and his love for Isaac. I am still not there fully. But, today I am much closer to recognizing that God loves my child more than I ever could and is in this battle with him. So, moving from belief to real trust is key! It’s like going from knowing it to owning it! Without that trust, you will suffer.
2.Giving myself permission to “shed the shame”- As much as I don’t won’t to admit it, I was ashamed of the fact that this happened in my family. I asked all the questions of myself like “Did you not teach your child enough about the dangers of drugs”. Or, “why didn’t you see the risks of pain medicines when he was in and out of the hospital for 5 months with lung issues?” Lastly, “what will people think of me as a parent or my son?” Believe me; you can really do a number on yourself with all these questions. They infer that you somehow caused it. I was suffering. I have finally come to understand that this is our story. I didn’t cause it and I can’t control or cure it. I can honor what God is doing in our lives, though. And if there are people who make judgments, so be it. We are all faced with different challenges and we learn and grow at different paces. But, to carry shame is not honoring to God or me and is self-inflicted suffering.
3.Seeking comfort through “God-sight in hindsight”- One of my causes of suffering has been my need to control and experiencing the reality that I actually cannot control it all. The more I have learned to accept that and turn it over, the more peace I can find. There were many days that I just prayed let me see your hand at work. Just show me you are there in this chaos. I have written a lot. One gift in that is being able to look back over time and see how God’s hand was in motion preparing for the next steps of this journey. God placed people in our lives at the perfect time. There were subtle provisions that over time built a stronger foundation. That ability to see God’s hand and comfort in hindsight leads me full circle back to trust. Being able to trust that God is working in everything allows me to acknowledge my pain but settle back into that comfort. Peace replaces suffering.
The other sweeping and fundamental wisdom that I have learned is that everyone has their own journey. Although, I have more wisdom and insight at this point doesn’t mean that I know the right next step for myself much less for another person. Each person dealing with addiction comes through that by wrestling with it themselves. I hope that the fact that I am living life despite having a child who is working through recovery without being weighed down by the suffering is hope and encouragement that you can move forward. I know that I could get a call tomorrow that he has relapsed. And, I would go back to that place of pain and suffer a bit. But, I now have knowledge and tools that I can choose to employ to mitigate that suffering. I can trust God that there is no shame and that he is active in my life and my son’s no matter how bleak. What a gift that is! For those that haven’t walked this path, I urge you to suspend judgment of another parent or spouse. They have to walk their own journey to get to a place of recovery. It is traumatic. And, unless you have been there, you cannot fully understand. We have to get to our bottom as well to propel us to seek our own recovery just like the addict. So, listen and love. Pray for God’s presence to be felt.
If you think about it this week, please send up a prayer for my son. He will hit his 9 month mark of sobriety. He has not hit that in the past 3 years since he went to rehab. It is a very difficult hurdle to make and many don’t. I pray for his strength. And, I celebrate what God has done and the courage I see in my son.
I leave you with my 3rd Step prayer:
Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love.
Today, I run with the knowledge that pain is evitable; Thank God,suffering is not!
No comments:
Post a Comment