But last week, I received a note from a friend that said she had read the blog and wished she was at the same place. The first thing I want to be clear about is that I am still struggling to live life in alignment with the truths that I am learning. I am working to incorporate what I am learning but it still is a process that includes reacting, awareness, and decisions to adjust my behavior. The beauty is that I recognize more quickly when I begin to spin or obsess or enable. Once that happens, I can choose to do things differently. Sometimes those are just baby steps. Because this is a journey, the terrain is more difficult at times and the speed and success with which I traverse that terrain varies. There are certainly times when my emotions do not catch up to my actions even when I make healthier choices in terms of how I engage. The good news is that I am learning that I can still choose to do things differently even when I feel fear. That is different behavior than when I would let my fear catapult me into self-reliance and control mode.
This week I have been challenged to take last week’s lesson to trust that “God has got it” and continue to apply it. There were issues with one of my children who was struggling with some tough decisions. There were significant ramifications tied to this decision including how life was aligning with this child’s values. It tears at a mother’s heart to hear the struggle in the sound of your child’s voice. It is easy to play out potential issues in your mind that will arise if the decision is not handled well. For me, the cycle of worry then begins and the need to intervene in some way. Now, the only real option in this case was to check-in and provide advice. But to do that would in some ways inflict my own anxiety on my child. I have done enough work now to recognize that. And it is certainly not what I wanted to do.
Our generation of parents is responsible for the incredible ramp-up of our kids’ schedules and responsibilities. Late baby-boomers and Generation X parents supported increasing our level involvement with and for our kids. We are actually to blame that our kids must start organized sports at a time when they used to be playing carefree in the neighborhood. We are the ones that drove schedules that make family dinners difficult and down-time a thing of the past. And we are the ones who created a life that involves so much pressure that we have to take on the role of orchestrator. Our kids cannot manage all the activities and pressures of school without our help. That shift in parenting continued to be reinforced with societal changes. The ability to be connected to our kids through cell phones at any given time created a lack of boundary that only reinforced that kind of reliance of our kids on our ability to organize, problem-solve and intervene. Make no mistake, we as a generation, have done it out of love and desire to provide the best for our kids. I am afraid we have limited their natural ability to learn how to manage life’s challenges. More importantly, as we continue to reinforce their reliance on us, we prevent their ability to learn to rely on themselves and develop the reliance on God. That is exactly in conflict with our ultimate desire which is for them to live their best lives.
I am absolutely guilty of all of this. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not have to experience pain. Often out of guilt from divorce and my work schedule, I would get overly involved and have had a hard time consciously stepping back as they grow up and should be taking on more responsibility. I do often operate out of fear which has only increased by watching my oldest struggle with addiction. But, I have also learned that my intervention, although well-intended, prevents them the honor and respect of solving their own problems. That experience is valuable and necessary for our kids to grow into strong, capable adults. So, this week, I really tried to limit my involvement and provide love and encouragement reinforcing that this is my child’s decision and issue to resolve. We expressed our support and we are here if our advice or help is requested. So, that is the good part of the story. But as I said earlier, I am on a journey and God is teaching. Although, I was choosing to do things differently, my feelings didn’t automatically become one of peace. I felt worry and even anger that my child was experiencing these issues. The primary reason I felt these emotions was that I wasn’t trusting that God was doing a good work in my child’s life through adversity. There is a concept that we discuss in Alanon that is “detaching with love”. It is hard to detach from your child’s circumstances with love, if you don’t truly trust that God loves your child and is walking the path with your child. If that trust is strong, you can be available to love and support but not carry the full weight of their burden. I have also recognized that I not only carry the weight of the burden but project my own outcomes and often carry the burden of my own imagination which is heavier than what they are experiencing. Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it, but is so easy to do. If I don’t turn my life, my will, and my circumstances including my children’s over to God then I do turn them over to something. That something looks like anger and fear for me. That is not a life that I want to continue to live.
I have also picked up a cold in the past few days and have not felt well. So, after a long work week, the weight of the emotions, and not feeling physically well, I really didn’t want to run yesterday. I needed to run in part to meet my goals and in part to demonstrate that I can push through my emotional state. And, I knew that exercise is always helpful in relieving the weight that comes from negative emotions. There are times when we have to think through what self-care means in a particular circumstance. We also have to accept that self-care is not self-indulgent but necessary for us to be our best selves including our best ability to parent. I was carrying the weight of my child’s situation that was taking the energy away from focusing on my life and my other commitments. My child was handling it better than I was and following through on commitments. I was the one who was shutting down. So, instead of crawling in the bed and withdrawing disguised as a nap, I got on my running clothes and ran through the better part of the first 3 quarters of the Ole Miss Football game. Amazingly, I felt better and actually ran 13 miles which is my longest run yet! I detached from circumstance and pushed through my emotional barriers. And, I am better today. I may still slip back but I have this lesson as a reminder. Life is a journey and our lessons enrich that journey every step! I need to remember for me as well as for my children.
So, I leave you with what I am focused on today:
TRUST HIS OUTCOME!
DETACH WITH LOVE!
And I run today choosing to turn my circumstances and my children’s over to God.
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