Earlier this week, I read something on judgment. I tried to find it again this morning but cannot find exactly where it came from. However, I remember the ending very clearly. The author said, “My job is not to judge. My job is to love.” God is the judge and he was clear on his call to us to love. There is so much going on around us right now in the world. Things for me that go against my belief system. Arguments that are only won if the opposing side is portrayed as totally wrong or selfishly motivated. Real dangers to life as we know it. There are people who stand on righteous ground in front of cameras and then make human choices that are not consistent with their public position. And we judge… we do not love. It can sneak up on you. And, it can be subtle at times. Other times, we voice it clearly through our words and communicate it through our body language.
It is not something I aspire to do and yet I know there are times when I judge rather than love. I am human and don’t always know how to stand by my convictions and show love to those who go against those convictions or who do things that hurt me. It is also important to set boundaries and be authentic to our beliefs. But, when that becomes so rigid that we exclude a relational aspect to how we engage with others, then we lose our ability to engage others in love. Without that, we actually lose our ability to be a positive influence or encouragement. Surely though, I am not the only one who understands how hard this can be at times.
Refraining from judging and learning to act in love when dealing with addiction is particularly difficult. Early into our family’s journey with this disease, I was completely baffled and in many ways destroyed by this disease. There was a judging voice that rang constantly in my head. How could my son continue to make decisions that were so harmful to him and to our family? What is wrong with him? You see I didn’t understand the nature of the disease. I turned that same judgmental voice on myself. How did I not know that all the pain medication provided during his hospitalizations was setting him up for disaster? What kind of mother am I, that I didn’t recognize the danger signs earlier and further enabled the disease? I didn’t understand the family aspect of this disease, either. I judged. And, I experienced the judgment of others. There were those who thought my child was “one of those bad kids” or that my working outside of the home somehow set him up for failure. The reality was that I didn’t need their judgment. I had enough of that on my own. My son didn’t need our judgment. He definitely had enough of that on his own. What we needed was love.
And yet, even though I know this, there are times when I easily lapse into that place of judgment with my son still today. Just yesterday, he called me and we began discussing some plans for the next few months. The truth is that I believe I know better than he does how he should proceed. That is a judgment. It assumes that I know best. And, it does not honor what God is teaching him though his choices. I also hear our conversations through the lens of my own wounds that are still healing. So, I assume certain motivations. That is a judgment. It assumes that I am all-knowing, a mind-reader. It does not honor the transformation that God has been doing in his heart. Lastly, I still project the outcome and can quickly go to a place of fear. That is also a judgment. That really does not honor the fact that God has ordained the journey that we are on and is actively leading us. You see judgment comes from a myriad of faulty perspectives. It often assumes that someone else is less capable, knowledgeable or valuable than we are. Then judgment becomes a way to demonstrate just that. That is a really hard to thing to admit. But unless, we are ready to entertain that, it is difficult to move from a place of judging to loving. Let me be specific- unless I am ready to admit it, I cannot begin to shift my natural reaction from one of judging to one of loving.
Yesterday, when my son called, I didn’t make a conscious decision to judge. I fell into it naturally. He heard it in my tone and in my words. And, it shut the conversation down. Thankfully, I have done enough work and prayed enough, that when that still small voice spoke, I heard. I called my son back a few minutes later and we had a different conversation. A conversation that was productive, enlightening and loving. When I honored his journey and recognized his value, knowledge, and capability, I moved forward in love and he felt that. That doesn’t mean that I agree with every decision. And, it acknowledges that I really don’t have the perfect answer for him. Only God has that. It does, however, open up through love, the ability to enter into his journey and encourage him along the way.
Last night, I was watching the Ole Miss Rebels finish out a great win against Tennessee. After it was clear that there was enough of gap in the score to guarantee the outcome, Coach Freeze began to give some others a chance to get playing time and try some different plays. I don’t think he expected another score but there at the end of the game, we got another touchdown extending the score. The TV cameras flashed over to Coach Freeze who mouthed something like “oh, man” and shook his head. He clearly did not want to run up the score. Here he was now basically 7-0 against a team whose win-loss record against the Rebels was heavily weighted to their side over the recent past. He could have wanted to clearly show people who is the best team and be happy to drive the score up. It is obviously important to win but it appeared he saw no need to take advantage of this team and further demonstrate how much stronger the Rebels were this season. In my mind, that quick reaction was Coach Freeze’s character shining through. His natural reaction was one of valuing the opponent. It was a reaction of kindness. It suggests to me that he has a firmly rooted value system on how he will treat his opponents. And, it really touched me.
What I desire is that my natural reaction, just like Coach Freeze demonstrated last night, to be firmly rooted in my value system. And, I want my value system aligned with what God is calling me to do on this earth. And that is to love- not to judge!
Today, I will run with a desire to demonstrate love for others.
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