It is almost Mother’s Day. I have been thinking a lot about motherhood and the journey that I am on over the past few days. What a miraculous gift mothers have. We get to bring life into this world full of possibilities and unique gifts with which to touch others or contribute to the world around us. I saw a quote by Dr. Michael Beckwith- “Each of us are unique expressions of the Infinite.” And, mothers get to bring those precious unique expressions into this world!
I always say that our journeys are sacred and it is privilege to travel alongside others and be a part of their journey. The journey of motherhood is certainly sacred. From the minute our baby is born, we have hopes and dreams for our kids. Let’s face it those mental images start taking form as soon as we know this sweet child is growing inside. We want so much for our children. We begin to take on the role of the nurturer, teacher, and protector to make sure they thrive all the while holding on to the dreams we have for them. My guess is unless we are aware of a physical challenge early; we don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the struggles that our child might endure in their lives. We focus on the hope…
Yes, there are many joyful moments like finding out you are having a child, feeling them move for the first time, their first words, steps, etc. You see them grow, learn, and express themselves. You begin to learn about their gifts, interests and personality. But, there are always days that are challenging. There are certainly physical demands in the early days but that doesn’t really prepare you for the demands of nurturing their mental and emotional wellbeing as they get older; or, protecting them and setting boundaries as they begin to explore independence. You learn that parenting is not for the faint of heart nor does every child respond the same. Mothers work very hard to balance the demands of their lives and give their babies the best life they can.
I watched a documentary recently on the opioid epidemic. I have a read a lot over time on this topic. Some do sadden me while others anger me. This time, I was simply stunned. Not because I really learned anything new but because most of the scenarios were the parents’ story. It hit so close to home. Some of us have children who struggle. Struggles beyond the normal disappointments, hurt feelings, or challenging classes. Struggles that are not situational but more systemic with sweeping impacts to the way our children engage with or are engaged by the world around them. Struggles that may be physical, emotional, or psychological. Struggles with the children they grow up around. Even, struggles that threaten their very lives. Struggles that we as their parents are not prepared to deal with and challenge us to our core. It is not a part of the dream we had for them.
One of the things that I have tried to do over the last few years is to give a face to the struggle. Galatians 6:2 says “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” We can’t bear another’s burden if we don’t understand their struggle. Honestly, I was thrown into this space of addiction. I wasn’t prepared to mother a child struggling with addiction. I have made mistakes. And, I have learned a lot along the way about myself, my child and the disease. I have friends and family who have children with Down syndrome, Autism, physical abnormalities, and a variety of mental health issues. Those mothers were faced with parenting children who have unique challenges. They weren’t prepared either and have engaged in the same battle to learn how to parent their own children based on their unique set of circumstances.
One thing mothers of children with struggles probably have in common is a desire to be understood. To have our children’s unique challenges be understood but in the context of all that they are. Because they are all still “a unique expression of the infinite”. They are more than their addiction or their depression or their autism. They are courageous. They have talents and senses of humor. They have possibilities and they are valuable.
Parenting a child suffering from addiction turns everything you know on its head. Nurturing looks different. Most of us begin to learn that hard lesson while still parenting in the midst of the crisis. It takes experience. It takes learning what works and doesn’t with this disease. Just as it takes courage on the part of our child to make their way to recovery, the same is true for the parent. It becomes a balance. I once referred to it as operating in the “both- and”. You have to learn to resolve questions in order to move forward. How do I both remember the picture of my precious, beautiful little boy and accept the reality of an addict struggling to live his live? How do I both show love for my son and demonstrate it in ways that do not enable his disease? How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not lose hope for his life.
We have to learn to express love and nurture differently. We must react to behavior but have compassion for the battle of the disease, set boundaries but not withhold love, fight for them but accept that this disease can be terminal, grieve for the life we envisioned for them and learn to have joy in the daily wins of the life that they have. We feel fear and anger for and at our children at times. And we feel guilt for that. We have to work to remove the burden of self-blame and give ourselves grace when we struggle to balance it all. We have to learn to live our lives without being fully absorbed in theirs. We live everyday knowing our children have the potential of relapse and death. It can be heartbreaking and “soul-wearying” to parent a child who is struggling. But, it is still a sacred journey no matter how sad, broken, or difficult it is at times. Perhaps, the biggest lesson and ultimately source of hope is that God is present in all the chaos. With His power, there can be peace, restoration, and joy. We need Him.
Mothers of struggling children also need the support of our family and friends. We love our children but there are days when the burden seems impossible to carry. There are days when our best hope for the day is just to survive. There are days when we worry that our other children are suffering because we can’t manage it all. There are days when we need YOU.
Carrying one another’s burdens…Yes, it requires that we engage in the struggle of others. I learned that from my mother who was always there for us growing up. She later devoted 4 years during a very difficult time in our lives to step in and help me care for my children. There was a sacred bond made stronger by her sacrifice. She stepped in to share the burden of my struggle. It was such a blessing. I encourage you to open your eyes to those mothers who need you to understand the struggle and share their burden. Here are a few things to consider as you do that based on my experience with a child who has struggled with addiction.
· We need your love not your judgement both for ourselves and our children. We often carry shame in secret and want our children to be loved not shunned. We make mistakes and are learning. We fear others’ judgement. We wear the weight of our shame and our children’s. We crave your love. We need to have others demonstrate to us what we need to do for ourselves.
· Please give us grace when we withdraw but stay close. There are times when the weight of it is so heavy that we can’t bear to talk about it. Don’t give up on us. We will let you in when we trust that you will stay by our side in the journey.
· Be willing to learn about our child’s challenge. You can ask us questions or send us articles. It shows us that you are stepping into the struggle. Just don’t assume that you understand exactly what our choices should be. It is usually not that black and while. There are consequences of choices that have to be weighed carefully.
· See the beauty and value in our children. Our children are more than their disease or struggle. Specifically, kids with addiction are not “bad” kids. They are sick. They are still valuable.
· Keep encouraging us to go do some fun things for ourselves. We yearn for normalcy. We yearn for laughter. We yearn for rest. And, we are not very good at it and often believe we don’t deserve it. Keep asking us.
· Stand in the gap- Pray for us, Send notes of hope and encouragement, and if you see a need- just offer to take care of it. We need prayer and words of encouragement. They are seeds of love even on the days we can’t hear it. And sometimes, we just need you to be God’s hands and feet. It can be hard for us to ask.
Sharing our burden is a demonstration of sacrificial love. We will recognize that for what it is. Your love becomes a sacred bond with us.
So, on this Mother’s Day if you have children who are thriving and have no significant struggles, you should get on your knees and thank God for that blessing. I am thankful today that I can say that. Then, I encourage you to think about the mothers in your life who have children who are struggling. Send them a note of encouragement. Call them and remind them that God chose them specifically to be the mother of that child. They are enough because HE is enough. For that matter- stop and send a note to a single mom you know, or those who have other struggles- health, finances, relationships, etc. We are all called to share one another’s burdens. It is meant to be a part of our Sacred Journey. Let’s honor this Mother’s Day by reaching out to mothers who need a little extra support.
Let me end by saying that I was blessed with an incredible Mom who has taught me by example about sacrificial love, forgiveness and faith. I am also thankful for the “village moms” who have stepped in the gap for me or the many who have encouraged me. You have shown love for me and my kids. You are my blessing. To the many moms of struggling kids who have reached out to me since I started the blog a few years ago- you have shared your heart, your tears, your challenges, and your joys. You have encouraged me, taught me, and inspired me as have your kids. You have shared your burdens and taken on mine. Your children and your friends are blessed to have you.
Happy Mother’s Day to you all! You, too, are “unique expressions of the Infinite”!!
