This week, we had some milestones to celebrate. I finished the first 12 weeks of my 1000 mile project. I actually surpassed the 250 mile mark and finished the week having logged 263 miles towards my 1000 mile goal. 250 miles was a kind of sub-goal for me to measure whether or not I was on track to accomplish my larger goal. When I realized that I would actually exceed it, I pushed to accomplish even more miles than my normal weekly goal. I was motivated by accomplishing and surpassing my goal. Even better, my son picked up his 90 day chip. He has been sober for 90 days as a result of the hard work and adherence to his program focusing on recovery in all areas of the disease- physical, mental, and spiritual. I asked him how he felt about his accomplishment. His answer was, “good but I have bigger plans than this chip!” So, this was a big week in the area of recovery for me and my son.
I also had the pleasure of being in my home state this week with an opportunity to see many of my friends and family. It was so much fun catching up and hearing about their lives. My age group is really going through transitions- kids to college, weddings, planning for the longer term care of parents, etc. And on a number of occasions, we talked about “if I can just get this kid graduated, I’ll be happy” or “if I can just get this done for the wedding, then I can relax”. The theme of “If I can just hit this goal, then I will be OK” replayed over and over again. It occurs to me that we spend a lot of time just striving to get the next thing crossed off our list with the expectation that life will be better or less stressful or more successful. And we just run from one milestone to the next.
One of my conversations was with an old friend who runs. We were talking about the symbolism of a race and how it reflects a lot about life’s journey. Sometimes you are full energy and make great progress. Other times, you are tired and slow down or need someone there at the corner cheering you on. And then, when you cross the finish line you feel great about achievement no matter how grueling. He was telling me about a half-marathon that he ran in New Orleans and just decided he would enjoy everything along the way. So, he stopped to take pictures, listen to a band, get food and just do what he needed to do or wanted to do. He paid attention to everything around him not just focused on finishing the race. Yes, there were times that it was hot and times he was cold. Times he was full energy and times he was tired. But as he told his story, it seemed his mindset allowed him to open his eyes to enjoy the world around him even has he tackled his journey.
I was reminded that there is more than the goal. There is the journey. And if we simply live from one goal to the next, we will miss out on the depth of the plan that God has for us. I remember being very relieved when I dropped my son off at rehab for the first time. I had been so scared and was grateful that he was under the care of experts for the next 90 days. I just wanted to make it to that 90 day mark. I was sure that if we could just make it to the 90 day mark, everything would be OK. I didn’t do what I needed to do to be at peace with whatever the next steps would be. And, I was devastated by the first relapse and the ones that followed. But addiction is a journey… It is a disease that is treatable but not curable. It can sneak back in even after long term sobriety. And, I need to both understand that truth and still live with hope as a mother and enjoy the moment.
We are on a journey. I really still want to be the one in control. I naturally write my own story about how it “should” work. Then, I am somehow surprised when it doesn’t work that way. But, the more I can change my mindset to running the journey that God has set before me rather than the one of my own personal creation, the more I can open my eyes and see God’s hand in action. I have heard someone say it is in the most hopeless places that God does his best work… So when the journey gets hard or you encounter an unexpected obstacle to your goals, peace comes from focusing on God and what he is calling us to do. God encourages us to do just this. In Hebrews, 12:1b, 2a “let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.”
So, there is more than just logging these miles for me. I can see that by the tremendous outpouring of support I have received since this blog went up and the ability to connect with others. And my son has faith that his life will be more than just achieving the next chip. We are both seeing God in action and our faith is building.
Hope and peace comes by shifting from the “if I only I can achieve this goal , then I will be OK” to “If only I can open my eyes to the journey God sets before, then I will trust God in my experience.” It is God that can bring triumphs out of trials.
Now, after a weekend of fun, I really need to run!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Inspiration- no complacency!
I have almost completed 11 weeks of my one year running project. At this point, I am slightly ahead of schedule. I should log 227 miles by tomorrow. So far, no injuries have occurred- just a lot of miles booked on a treadmill. I won’t mix it up with outside until it warms up a bit. I have noticed, however, that I am committed but have lost a little inspiration along the way. It has become just another responsibility that I need to get done. The other slightly disappointing thing is that despite running close to 21 miles a week on average, I have gained weight. Go figure…
This week, I have had the pleasure of watching my middle son qualify for and compete in the State Championship swim meet. He doesn’t swim year-round and this was a big deal. Despite being surrounded by those better trained, he continued to look for ways to improve his performance. Not only did he have a personal best at Regionals, he had another personal best at the States and supported his teammates. He tried to improve his own times regardless of how they compared to others. And, he contributed to his relay team. He was inspired to do better…
Today, I also talked to my oldest about what he was currently focused on in his journey of recovery. His answer was avoiding complacency in recovery and finding ways to grow. He went on to explain that he recognizes that sobriety is step one toward a truly meaningful life. He said, “You must stay active and persistent and yearn for growth. You gotta want it as bad as you want to breathe. Or you can just settle for good enough. I’m not spending one more day of my life settling.” Wow, what words laden with perseverance and courage! Believe it or not my middle son then sent me a note to read 1 Corinthians 9:24-27. “Run in such a way to get the prize…They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that lasts forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly…”
Truly, God spoke inspiration through my sons. My running project is more than just steps that will result in a 1000 miles over time. It is a God-inspired journey for me. I will look for different approaches to my running including interval training and a focus on nutrition. And as my oldest focuses on avoiding complacency in his recovery journey; so will I. And has he looks for ways to grow in the process, so will I. I will not run aimlessly but with a God-awareness. And today, I will run inspired by my sons!
This week, I have had the pleasure of watching my middle son qualify for and compete in the State Championship swim meet. He doesn’t swim year-round and this was a big deal. Despite being surrounded by those better trained, he continued to look for ways to improve his performance. Not only did he have a personal best at Regionals, he had another personal best at the States and supported his teammates. He tried to improve his own times regardless of how they compared to others. And, he contributed to his relay team. He was inspired to do better…
Today, I also talked to my oldest about what he was currently focused on in his journey of recovery. His answer was avoiding complacency in recovery and finding ways to grow. He went on to explain that he recognizes that sobriety is step one toward a truly meaningful life. He said, “You must stay active and persistent and yearn for growth. You gotta want it as bad as you want to breathe. Or you can just settle for good enough. I’m not spending one more day of my life settling.” Wow, what words laden with perseverance and courage! Believe it or not my middle son then sent me a note to read 1 Corinthians 9:24-27. “Run in such a way to get the prize…They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that lasts forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly…”
Truly, God spoke inspiration through my sons. My running project is more than just steps that will result in a 1000 miles over time. It is a God-inspired journey for me. I will look for different approaches to my running including interval training and a focus on nutrition. And as my oldest focuses on avoiding complacency in his recovery journey; so will I. And has he looks for ways to grow in the process, so will I. I will not run aimlessly but with a God-awareness. And today, I will run inspired by my sons!
Just Run... (November)
When I wrote the original summary of my 1000 Mile Project, I immediately sent it out to a few friends in part because I was excited about the idea and in part because I knew it would hold me accountable. 3 days later I was talking about it with one of those confidants and he said, “How many miles have you run this week?” I immediately said, “Well, I ran 5 that day but I’m not starting until this weekend.” His response was, “Well, why wait.” That questioned haunted me that day. I remembered that I actually wrote, “Today is my day to do things differently…”
Why WAS I postponing the start? I felt the conditions weren’t quite right. I had a sore calf. I needed the plan to be fully fleshed out. I was scared that I might fail. I had a goal but my mind was my enemy. We do that all the time with projects, eating better, and even recovery. So, even after losing a couple of days and without a perfect, well-thought out plan, I just ran towards my goal accepting that I might not have a great week but it was progress on my journey. And, with renewed thinking, I finished the week at almost 25 miles!
My son is fresh into recovery after a recent relapse. He can get overwhelmed at times with not only recovery but rebuilding his life. We, his parents, can get impatient at times because we want him to move faster, take bigger steps. This weekend he had a setback after a car wreck. It would be easy for my son to get frustrated and postpone steps forward until he felt better or the car got fixed. But, he too is taking steps forward even as the game plan changes. The truth is our plan is only the plan for the moment. We cannot control every aspect although we try mighty hard. We actually control for little. So, any plan has to be altered along the way. One day at a time.
Small steps, big steps… They offer opportunities to learn, to adjust, and to trust God. So today, I honor what God is doing in my journey and my son’s. Now, off to run!
Why WAS I postponing the start? I felt the conditions weren’t quite right. I had a sore calf. I needed the plan to be fully fleshed out. I was scared that I might fail. I had a goal but my mind was my enemy. We do that all the time with projects, eating better, and even recovery. So, even after losing a couple of days and without a perfect, well-thought out plan, I just ran towards my goal accepting that I might not have a great week but it was progress on my journey. And, with renewed thinking, I finished the week at almost 25 miles!
My son is fresh into recovery after a recent relapse. He can get overwhelmed at times with not only recovery but rebuilding his life. We, his parents, can get impatient at times because we want him to move faster, take bigger steps. This weekend he had a setback after a car wreck. It would be easy for my son to get frustrated and postpone steps forward until he felt better or the car got fixed. But, he too is taking steps forward even as the game plan changes. The truth is our plan is only the plan for the moment. We cannot control every aspect although we try mighty hard. We actually control for little. So, any plan has to be altered along the way. One day at a time.
Small steps, big steps… They offer opportunities to learn, to adjust, and to trust God. So today, I honor what God is doing in my journey and my son’s. Now, off to run!
1000 Miles to Recovery (November)
As a mother of an addict, it seems there comes a time when either the chaos in your life wears you out or the realization that your help isn’t helping stops you in your tracks. Or both realizations occur and you hit your bottom. From the depths of that bottom, survival may seem like the ultimate goal while the thought of actually thriving or feeling peace seems unattainable. At that place, you hit the stage I call the “both-and” stage. The best way I can describe the “both and” stage is through the questions that represent the struggle:
How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?
How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?
How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?
Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?
The “both-and” stage… That is exactly where I am.
I am struggling to answer these questions so I can do more than just survive this earth. I hit my bottom about a couple of months ago. Thankfully, through God’s power and not my own, I am finding love and support to do just that. With God’s gift of loving family, friends, counseling and Alanon, I am ready to engage in my own recovery.
It occurred to me that my son and I have been on a journey since he was conceived. And, we are still on a journey. It is different but we are still connected. For me then, the goal is to stay connected with my son on this journey in a healthy way. Part of that is to honor what God is doing in both of our lives, understand and have compassion for the struggle, and to acknowledge the desires of my soul. And so, that is what I intend to do. Two desires that I have walked away from (on more occasions than I care to admit) are running and writing. I have always wanted to run a long distance race. I reset that goal to accomplish before I was 50. I was training for a half-marathon when I hurt my foot late spring. Since then, I have let obstacles, stress, emotions, and other things get in the way. But I am learning that each day is a new day: and a new chance to address obstacles differently and persevere through mental, spiritual and physical challenges, a new chance to reframe my thinking.
My new day is today. I am going to set a personal goal to run (or walk) 1000 miles over the next 12 months. For those of you who run, this may seem like a piece of cake. But for me, based on age, schedule, speed, and time commitment and prior experience, this is definitely not a piece of cake. Over the course of the year, I will use that time on my path to connect with God through prayer, to spend time with friends, to enjoy doing something for myself, and to honor the journey that my son and I share. You see, I know that I will have moments when I want to give up or feel bad. Moments when the goal doesn’t seem worth it and I will have to look to God for healing or energy. Moments when I think to myself, “who really cares”, and I need to be reminded that I do care. Times when I will have to sacrifice my immediate desires to make progress towards my goal. It will be a journey of sorts to accomplish that goal of 1000 miles.
I also know that this will give me insight into the struggles my son endures on his journey with addiction. Although it is not the same, I do think I will get a better sense of the struggle and build my compassion for his experience. During this journey, I will write. I will share the ups and downs, the gifts and insight, and the whispers and hugs from God along the way. Perhaps, those experiences will help someone else on their path. I know that both the running and the writing will progress the healing in my “both-and” stage. It will feed my soul. Most importantly, I will honor what God is doing both in my life and my son’s. I will be more conscious both that we share our journey with each other and with the same, loving, Heavenly Father.
Now, off to run…
How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?
How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?
How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?
Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?
The “both-and” stage… That is exactly where I am.
I am struggling to answer these questions so I can do more than just survive this earth. I hit my bottom about a couple of months ago. Thankfully, through God’s power and not my own, I am finding love and support to do just that. With God’s gift of loving family, friends, counseling and Alanon, I am ready to engage in my own recovery.
It occurred to me that my son and I have been on a journey since he was conceived. And, we are still on a journey. It is different but we are still connected. For me then, the goal is to stay connected with my son on this journey in a healthy way. Part of that is to honor what God is doing in both of our lives, understand and have compassion for the struggle, and to acknowledge the desires of my soul. And so, that is what I intend to do. Two desires that I have walked away from (on more occasions than I care to admit) are running and writing. I have always wanted to run a long distance race. I reset that goal to accomplish before I was 50. I was training for a half-marathon when I hurt my foot late spring. Since then, I have let obstacles, stress, emotions, and other things get in the way. But I am learning that each day is a new day: and a new chance to address obstacles differently and persevere through mental, spiritual and physical challenges, a new chance to reframe my thinking.
My new day is today. I am going to set a personal goal to run (or walk) 1000 miles over the next 12 months. For those of you who run, this may seem like a piece of cake. But for me, based on age, schedule, speed, and time commitment and prior experience, this is definitely not a piece of cake. Over the course of the year, I will use that time on my path to connect with God through prayer, to spend time with friends, to enjoy doing something for myself, and to honor the journey that my son and I share. You see, I know that I will have moments when I want to give up or feel bad. Moments when the goal doesn’t seem worth it and I will have to look to God for healing or energy. Moments when I think to myself, “who really cares”, and I need to be reminded that I do care. Times when I will have to sacrifice my immediate desires to make progress towards my goal. It will be a journey of sorts to accomplish that goal of 1000 miles.
I also know that this will give me insight into the struggles my son endures on his journey with addiction. Although it is not the same, I do think I will get a better sense of the struggle and build my compassion for his experience. During this journey, I will write. I will share the ups and downs, the gifts and insight, and the whispers and hugs from God along the way. Perhaps, those experiences will help someone else on their path. I know that both the running and the writing will progress the healing in my “both-and” stage. It will feed my soul. Most importantly, I will honor what God is doing both in my life and my son’s. I will be more conscious both that we share our journey with each other and with the same, loving, Heavenly Father.
Now, off to run…
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