Let the tears fall!

I woke up this Sunday morning just reflecting on the events of the past week. It was a big week in the life of my family. On Thursday, my baby girl started her senior year of high school. Then later that evening, my oldest picked up his 9 month chip from his AA home group. And finally yesterday, I dropped my other son at school to begin his freshman year at the University of South Carolina. It has been an emotional week for me. One with many emotions represented often in waves coming one right after the other.

With that said, I have had precious time and conversations with my kids as they enter new phases of life. My daughter was full of excitement. She said that she and her friends would take the senior year by storm participating in every event. They wanted to be the best senior class ever at their school. It will be a joy to watch them experience it to the fullest! My oldest talked to me about achieving 9 months of sobriety. It was a great achievement but he spoke with such humility. He knew that he made it to that point with God’s help and his program. It will take staying aware of that reliance on God to keep moving forward in this life of ongoing sobriety. He was not comfortable being recognized publicly but grateful for the strength God has given him. Lastly, my younger son felt a mix of emotions from excitement to nervousness. But, he was ready to move through the anxiety into this new phase in his life. Believe me; the momma felt all of those emotions and more.

I wasn’t sure exactly what I would write about today. I just wanted to take some time and explore what I was feeling. Then I read an excerpt from Frederick Buechner that resonated with me. He talked about tears and encouraged us to pay close attention to when tears come. He suggested that they are telling us something about who we are. He also suggested that God speaks to us through our tears of the mystery of where we come from and where we should go next. I have heard before that our eyes are the opening to our souls. If so, tears must reflect our soul’s yearning.

Given all that we were experiencing this week, tears were an ever present threat for me. I tried to keep them at bay but they were at the surface often. It wasn’t until I was ready to leave my son at school did my tears finally fall. So in the spirit of Frederick Buechner, I thought I would explore my tears and what God might be showing me in the midst. And so, I thought back over the past few days and here are some of the core emotions that generated tears and some insight.

Tears of Gratitude- My son’s milestone of 9 months has been looming. It is a very difficult hurdle for addicts to get over. He had not made it before due to relapse. So, this was symbolic in many ways of progress. It was a hopeful sign that he is truly learning and committed to living in recovery. I feel such gratitude that God worked in “the valley of the shadow of death” last fall to speak to my son. He brought strength out of weakness and has continued to walk the path with my son. Without active addiction in the way, we have continued to strengthen our relationship through honesty and encouragement rather than manipulation and enablement. My tears came because I am so thankful that we made it through that dark time and are living in the light today. And, I am so proud of that courage and perseverance that he has demonstrated to get to this point. My son is an awesome example of both God’s creation but God’s love for his children. My son has a meaningful story to tell about walking with God along a difficult path. His courage and humility is inspiring and God is so gracious!! May God continue to teach me to live with courage and humility and to rely on Him both in the good times and the difficult times.

Tears of Anticipation- Listening to my daughter talk about how she wanted to experience her senior year brought a smile that bubbled up from within and brought tears to my eyes. She was looking at her year from the eyes of opportunity. That made me think about how often I look forward with anxious thoughts. I let fear come in and overwhelm me at times. Or, I lose sight of all that is miraculous because I get overwhelmed by the mundane. My daughter is looking at ways to live life to the fullest while my focus has often just been for survival. My daughter is taking an active approach to her story. She will have a meaningful story to tell as she opens herself up to the possibilities of what God is putting before her. Her openness is inspiring and God is so gracious! May God continue to teach me to live with an openness and sense of opportunity and to rely on Him for the future.

Tears of Fear- Yesterday, as we walked through campus, we talked about how my son was feeling. He was definitely nervous. But, he knew this was where he was supposed to be and would work through that. He even commented that he was glad that they were having a floor meeting in the dorm. He saw it as a chance to meet new people. Now, my son is introverted in new situations. But, he was ready to push through the fear to take the next steps towards getting settled in his new situation. He has had a year of taking a faith stand and moving forward with a God-focus. As a result, he was teased and cut-out of some old friendships but reached out to those with whom he could draw support from. He made a college choice based on where he could be the most successful with his faith and desire to serve. He even went to camp to serve, a day after having hand surgery making it difficult to do normal tasks. He has demonstrated a commitment to God’s plan and persevered with courage. As I left him at the dorm, the tears finally fell. These tears were a mix of emotions. But, my tears of fear were for potential challenges that he might experience that I cannot protect him from. His journey is now between him and God. His faith and perseverance is inspiring and God is so gracious. May God continue to teach me faith and perseverance through the fear and to rely on him to walk the path guiding us all along the way.

Tears of Grief- There have been tears of grief this week. I am sad that I do not get to see my oldest son very often. I would have loved to have been there when he received his 9 month chip. The reality is that I will not be at all the meaningful events in their adulthood. I will miss having my youngest son around. He will likely not live in our house but for defined periods again. The time with him flew by and that makes me sad. And finally, I only have one more year with my daughter at home. So, it is easy to take a leap forward and dread the empty nest and the loss of her presence. There were many things along the way that I wish had been different during their years at home. It brings tears to my eyes just typing that statement in. But, in Ecclesiastes, we are reminded that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity. So to continue to grieve their absence, although human, doesn’t acknowledge God’s plan.

That is what I am left with after this reflection. I must trust God’s plan. I must move forward with faith, humility, courage, perseverance and openness to what God has in store for me. My life is an ongoing story of God’s call and his graciousness. Phil 3:13,14 says, “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

And, I must trust him in the same way with my kids. I can only speak from a mother’s viewpoint. But, parenting that occurs with addiction and recovery and even the transition of our children to adulthood is a hard and a scary to transition to make for a mother. I know I am joined by many of you who are dealing with one or both of these situations right now. As mothers, our lives are so focused on the care and nurture of our children. We can lose sight that motherhood is only one aspect of who God called us to be. And, if our life’s success is only measured by the challenges of our kids experience or the choices that they make, then that leaves us either in a very difficult, desperate place or in a position that places us above God. We are called to love, to teach and to nurture our children. We do not take the place of God in their lives. We cannot control all of their life circumstances or their free will. I know I have certainly tried but am realizing just how ludicrous that really is and how easy it is for me to try to take that role. Thankfully, God is ever present and has the strength and power to intervene in the good and the bad. I can leave it to the expert!

God does have a plan for our lives that goes beyond our kids. Our lives still have a calling despite the current state of our child’s recovery. God still has a plan for us beyond having kids in the house. And, he is still perfecting our faith through his gifts and trials. There is a new season planned. So, let the tears fall. As Buechner said, let God speak to you about the mystery of where you have come from and where you should go. Finally, may we be inspired by a new season and God’s graciousness!

In honor of our kids heading off to their freshman year in college, I leave you with a verse from a prayer I wrote for my son:

For he was HIS before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.


I run today cheering for all the new seasons begun!