Once again, I am sitting on a long dark flight home. I am about 5 hours into the flight with 3 more to go. It is dark and I am terribly sad. Tears have spilled on and off since Saturday and this flight is no different except that it is harder to keep them back. So, I am going to write but I am not certain I will post. You see, I don’t know any way to write at this point but to be totally transparent. And yet, I feel more vulnerable than I have in long while. There are just some days that the ache of life takes over for a while. Surely, someone reading this has been there. The tears of my soul are flowing.
The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for many reasons. Everywhere I look, people need me or something from me, every area of my life feels somehow out of order, and although not generally directed towards me, others have disappointed me. And, I am certain I have disappointed them. And, it is now hard to control the tears. For me, that means my barriers are collapsing. I feel crushed.
And although I want to be back home, I really didn’t feel the usual relief or excitement to get home that I generally do as I got to the airport this morning. I mainly just feel DONE. I don’t feel well and my throat is closing but the strange thing is that it feels less like getting sick and more like being silenced by life. Like it’s symbolic of my inability to speak words of encouragement to myself, voice words that acknowledge the way forward, or speak words of faith.
All I really know to do right now is to write. And so on a piece of paper, I wrote my first sentence to try and reclaim that voice. And it was “what do I feel at this moment?” And, my answer was, “I feel hopeless and disappointed, fearful and burdened, empty, tired and ill.”
I feel beaten by life.
I feel separate from others and mostly God.
And I feel desperate not to…
I cannot go in to the details of the circumstances as there are things evolving and other details that are just not my story to tell. But my reaction to them is what I am sorting through. Believe me the last two weeks have been a challenge. And, I know things will not be the same in the next two weeks. Maybe better, maybe not, but different. And somehow, I know that God will equip me to move forward as he has before and as he has promised. But perhaps, you can relate to the times or seasons when all you can do is voice your faith and nothing in your being feels it. And, I am desperate to feel it…
I remember sitting on my deck last fall before dawn one morning when my son was in his last relapse. I had come to grips with the fact that this disease could take my son. I am not sure it was acceptance but what little remnant of denial that I could somehow fix this was gone. I knew that I could not make it different. My pride and arrogance that I somehow could have changed things had been crushed. My eyes were opened. And I was left with a deep sense of powerlessness and a desperate need to feel connected to God. I sat on that deck in the dark searching the stars for some feeling of connectedness. As the sun came up, I held my focus intently on the last flickering star as it disappeared as if it were my only connection to God. I feel like that now... Like I am looking for that one star in the darkness.
I feel separate.
And, I am desperate not to…
The reality is that I have that same sense of having my arrogance and pride crushed. I cannot make things better for others. It is God’s job and theirs to do. I need to walk my path with him and let others walk theirs. And, perhaps, it is that darn arrogance and pride that has led me to be feeling so separate. Perhaps, it is just that feeling of being crushed that will allow a space for me to feel reconnected to God. That will open my eyes to a new reality.
The truth is God works in mysterious and surprising ways. Maybe that star that I need to focus on came in the form of something entirely different today. I got on this plane planning to escape, at least for a few hours, the burden that I am feeling. My plan was to watch a whole season of House of Cards… One episode right after the other. I had seen it as an option on the flight over to London and felt it was a great way to escape my reality, my feelings on the way back. And as I sat in my seat trying to load it, it would not work. They moved me around to other seats but no there was no ability to watch that or any TV show so I was left with movies. And as I flipped through, I didn’t want anything that would take too much thought. I wasn’t in the mood for anything sad or silly. So, I chose Heaven is for Real. Now I had read the book a while ago. I expected that after the beginning, it might be uplifting. And it was but not in the way I anticipated. For some reason, I felt everything. I loved that little boy and missed that simpler time with young children. I felt sadness and pain when the boy got sick. I have dealt with a number of health crises with my kids and it brought all that emotion up. I felt that anger when the Dad asked God why he would take his son and I felt the confusion of trying to make sense of life through your beliefs. Certainly, I have wrestled with those questions. And, tears poured down my face the entire movie. I was thankful for the dark.
But what really got to me where some words in the sermon at the end. He opened his Bible with this note written.
Only faith opens our eyes
God is love
On earth as it is in heaven
The pastor said, “God crushed my pride and opened my eyes”. He went on to say basically that we are all given different lives to lead and God gives us glimpses of himself in different ways. We can see him in the 1st cry of a baby, or the courage of a friend, or in a thousand other ways. We get glimpses of Heaven and of God, and yet, we often choose to exist in the Hell of hate or fear (or for me self-reliance). I rewound those 9 minutes of the movie several times. At the very end, the pastor said something to the effect that God is love (on heaven and on earth) and we are called to let others know that they loved and that they are not alone. I don’t intend to debate the theology of the movie. But, maybe God was sending me his love through the words spoken in a movie to me. He has allowed me to be crushed and has blocked my plans and now he has spoken to me. He sent that star in a form that I could hear at this moment.
He has given me voice to my soul through my writing. I still feel sad but I choose to look for glimpses of Heaven on earth. I will claim God’s promise to soar on the wings of eagles over and above the circumstances of the day. And perhaps, I do feel
A little less separate and little more connected
A little less desperate and little more peace…
And with God on my side I will run and not grow weary...
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Different but the same at the core...
Today in our sermon at church, we talked about a verse in I Corinthians which described the body of believers, the Church. “…But that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” I looked up that verse and then read back several verses at the beginning of the chapter. It was talking about spiritual gifts. It speaks about the fact that there are different gifts, different kinds of service and different workings, and they all come from the same God. Different but the same at the core…
Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.
Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.
We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.
It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.
I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.
The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.
Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…
I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!
Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.
Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.
We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.
It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.
I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.
The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.
Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…
I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!
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