I have been off for two weeks and am now preparing to return to work, a schedule and a variety of responsibilities that have been on hold over the holidays. And as most of us do at this time, I have been doing some soul-searching about what I want my 2016 to be like- what changes I want to make.
Certainly, I would like to do better on the typical big 3. I definitely need to lose weight so will be starting that high protein, low sugar/carb diet again... If only I could manage to just keep that up 12 months of the year! The fall is a killer for me! I have started training again so that I can run my second half-marathon in New Orleans with my girlfriends in Feb. And certainly with 4 kids in college, managing my finances tightly is a must. Yes, I need those changes and they are hard to fully incorporate or they wouldn’t be on our resolution lists year after year. But this year what I am compelled to do is to focus less on the external circumstances and behavioral things but more about transforming the inside. I am taking a look at those things that are obstacles to loving relationships, my sense of peace, and my real trust in what the Lord is doing in my life. Truthfully, I still operate often out of fear rather than trust. That fear creates issues in a healthy expression of love. And, it is a destroyer of peace for sure.
I have this sense that my life is entering a new phase. Maybe it’s my 50-something age or the empty nest that began this fall. Regardless, for me it is kind of a foreboding feeling rather than a sense of excitement. Change can bring about excitement. But I have found it more often takes courage.
I am also keenly aware that I have friends who have come off a very difficult year. This life can be so painful. I have friends who are dealing with the death of a child, loss of a parent, Illness, relapses, financial challenges, and broken relationships. I am guessing that they are just trying to survive. They want relief from the pain. Sometimes change happens to us and just getting out of the bed and moving through the day takes courage.
I know that feeling well. A number of years ago, I was going through an extremely difficult time. I wrote a poem of sorts on New Year’s Day which I would like to share below:
And So, We Sit
As New Year’s Day draws to a close, I am trying to sort through the pain that I am feeling. I have ached before and did what I could to avoid it. This time I knew I had to sit with the ache. But sitting with the ache, what does that really mean? To me, it means putting your arms around it, experiencing it fully. It means not running.
And so, I sit.
I want to know that ache for to know that ache is to know me. The ache is found at my core and bubbles to the surface as anger sometimes but mostly fear and overwhelming sadness. At times, it has made me grab my chest and cry out and other times it hovers in the background. The ache itself feels heavy. There is a thickness that surrounds me and seems to slow or dull life around me.
Again, I sit.
It is my desire to acknowledge this part of me. I want to be authentic. I am passing from one year to the next. I have been wronged and that wound is still fresh. It is painful. But, I feel as though I need to spend time absorbing what the past year has dealt so that I can move through it to the next chapter in my story. To honor what God is doing in my life.
So, I sit and I honor.
And as I honor, I am reminded that God is good and I hope. It’s awesome that hope can lift you up even when you feel so weighed down. Truly out of weakness, comes strength. Out of the lowliest circumstances was born a baby to be our ultimate hope.
So, I sit and I hope.
I am God’s creation and he loves me. I will be courageous. I won’t run. I will savor my experiences and pain. I will trust God to stay by my side in the midst of the thickness, the darkness, and the pain.
And so, together We sit.
A new year can be exciting and a fresh start full of promise. But for many of us, the difficulties of the past year carry forward. It takes courage to embark on a new year. We may not feel we have choices but they are there. It takes courage to look for those. It often requires a need to look inside rather than at our circumstances. Our choices lie there. It takes courage to do that. And sometimes, we just can’t muster up the courage to move forward. Take heart, we don’t have to have courage. Our God has got it and he goes with us.
Dt 31: 6 tells us “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.” Sit with Him. Share your tears, your challenges, your fears and honor what he is doing in your life. Look for the evidence of his hand in leading you forward. He goes before you and with you. He is your strength and your courage. He is your hope. He can bring the peace that surpasses understanding.
I want peace. I want to rely on him and have joy in circumstances regardless of what they are. I don't want to live a life rooted in fear but one of courage. And, I want to be transformed. If you want to join me involve him in your resolutions for 2016. That is what I intend to do. I must trust in the fact that He is a redemptive, transformative God who loves you and he loves me and is working it all to the good. The circumstances are never too big or too difficult for Him. Join me this year in sitting with him quietly, focusing more on my heart than my circumstances, and trusting where He leads me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
I run today’s path with strength and courage- His not mine! Happy New Year!
