Accept what???

Well, let’s just say today is the morning after…PROM. I am so relieved that we can put this behind us for one more year. It’s been an interesting week. Prom stress starts earlier in the year when the date requests start and the dress shopping begins. There is a little reprieve until about the week or so before, when the kids try to finalize the plans, the requests for money begin again, and the discussion of after-prom activities starts. I’ll just fess up right now that I have been known to be called the “meanest mother in the world”. Usually that is in response to saying “No” to something or asking for a phone number so that I can follow-up with a parent. This time I was “the only parent who cared about where their kids were going afterwards”. Now, I will say I do believe there may be mythical parents that actually trust their kids and everyone they are with fully. Or, perhaps there are parents that are so weary with the debate that they are just worn down. At some level, I can identify with the feeling. And, there are some parents who actually determine their approach solely based on the premise that “kids will be kids”, just accept it and move on… I had someone say that to me.

Well, I do accept that teenagers are struggling to understand their own identify and value, don’t always make the best decisions, are really bad at predicting the consequences of their choices, and are often more interested in trying out what their peers are doing rather than what the parents have taught them. So, if that’s acceptance so be it. However, I can acknowledge or accept that they are inclined that way but it doesn’t mean I have no choice or influence as a parent. So, after a million calls and texts between parents over the past three days, some plans were not allowed, new plans got made and the night was successfully survived. And, lo and behold, there are other “really mean parents” who actually do care what their children are doing afterwards just like me. And, modern miracles do occur. There is still fun to be had in the moment even with a few boundaries are in place. Who can believe that! (at least under the age of 40!!)

Now, with everyday life issues with your kids, you can accept certain truths like how a teenage mind operates and still exert some control and limits to teach and protect them. But of course, unless you are going to micro-chip them, escort them everywhere, or lock them in the basement, there is always an opportunity that they will make a bad choice. You can certainly limit it and create consequences that help influence the behavior. They do get at some level the value of not losing their phone or the keys. And, when your kids are sick, you can exert control by taking them to the doctor, getting the medicine and having them take that at the prescribed intervals and most of the time they get better. As a parent, you accept the reality of the disease and make choices to protect your child. If they are feeling bad, they usually do what is asked of them in an effort to feel better.

The concept of Acceptance, however, takes on a different level of importance when you are dealing with addiction. This disease is complicated and involves the mind, spirit and body. You might be able to exert control and create limits like have a child or loved one committed to a treatment facility that helps drive sobriety for a time and provides the body a break. But, the work that has to been done spiritually and mentally can be only done by the addict. When we first realized that our son was dealing with addiction, we did get him into treatment right away. I had no idea about the complexity of this disease. All my children had previous significant health issues and I attacked this one the same way. I did exactly what the professionals said to do. Yes, treatment gave his body a break. He began to look and feel better. His personality returned. His ability to show love and respect returned. And, I thought we had experienced a momentary bump in the road and we could just move on…

Well, three relapses later, I finally began to realize that my son was in a battle for his life that I could never understand or really wage war on his behalf. He had a battle to wage on all 3 fronts- spiritual, mental, and physical. I had to accept this disease in order to learn how to love, support, and have compassion for my child going forward. I had to accept that my son’s life was taking a different path than I had planned. That required grieving the future I held for him. It is also required acknowledging that the future that I had for him was not the future in God’s sovereign plan. And, that required me to trust God. The only way that my son could wage that war is if he ended up at the very same place. Acceptance of his disease, his future, and that God was trustworthy, forgiving, and more powerful than the addiction.

Acceptance means behaving differently. It means understanding that addicts think differently. It means giving up your image of who you want your child to be and really try to see the child you have. And, it means giving up all the old ways of nurture and protection. There comes a time when you can’t provide money or even shelter because you are providing for the disease, not your child. You realize that even out of love you are actually harming rather than helping. It took me a very long time to accept that!

I recently received a copy of a letter from an addict to a parent. There is so much in this letter that would touch you but this quote from the letter gets at the need to rethink protection for your addict. “When I was young, I used to think there was a monster in my closet, so you would run into my room and reassure me that there was no monster by opening the closet. But, since I’ve found drugs, I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster. It’s not inside my closet; it’s inside of me. And if I can’t learn to deal with it, it will ultimately destroy me. See…now that I’m older, it’s not your job to protect me from monsters anymore.”

To accept that I can’t protect my son from his monsters is hard and painful and yet the addict needs to hit the bottom and fight his own monsters. If we as parents keep that from happening, we help to prolong the disease. The rawest conversation I ever had with my son was last fall sitting in the parking lot of a softball field. The disease was clearly in control as he yelled and cursed at me. And Yes, "I was a mean,cold-hearted mother". I told him that I would not send any more money. I could not live with myself if he overdosed on the money I sent him for food. He was going to the bottom and it was painful for both of us. Those new boundaries I put in place were hard. Today, I got the sweetest email from him with a Christian write-up on the comfort of trials. He continues to be sober and is fighting his own monsters on all fronts. There is hope and he is living that out…

Acceptance often comes with pain. It comes with grief and sadness. It also comes with relief and it comes with renewed life. The funny thing is that I actually had to get to my own bottom where the only thing I had left was to trust God. We are told in the Bible that all the days of our lives were ordained and written in HIS book before one of them came to be. I had to believe that to accept where we were. My first trip to see my son after the last relapse was right before Christmas. I prayed on my way to accept my son for where he was so that I could enjoy my time with him rather than project my future and my fears for him and miss the moment. I was able to do that and it was a very special day!

For those of you who haven’t had to learn about this disease of addiction, please know that one of the fears that family members have that often keeps them from sharing their burdens is what you will think. The disease is hard to understand and it compels very bad behavior at times. But, our kids are not just bad kids. They have a disease that compels destructive behavior. There are husbands who want to be loving husbands and dads and feel terrible the next day after they make a scene. Relapses happen. Our loved ones are not just bad people trying to make better choices. They are sick people trying to get well. So, if you have a friend or family member dealing with an addict, please build your awareness of the disease if possible. Without an understanding of the disease, it is easier to judge rather than have compassion. We need support through understanding and accepting the that this is a disease with terrible symptoms.

Please know that even with Acceptance in the area of addiction, we still have choices. We can’t exert control over the addict’s actions like we may be able to do with our other kids’ activities like after-prom parties. But we can learn to love not only our addict better but also ourselves. We can learn to not place our expectations on others but see who God made them to be and be present on the journey that was laid for them as well as for us. I don’t want the miss the moments by hanging on to MY picture of the future and my fears/disppointment when it doesn't line up. And I accept that the future will be richer than I would have dreamed anyway and I stay present in the gift of the moment! Just like our kids can still have fun with a few boundaries, there is still joy to be had even with the new boundaries that come from acceptance in dealing with this disease.

Still on the journey and still running!