I just got back from a college visit to my alma mater- Ole Miss, with my younger son. For those not familiar with Ole Miss, it is a very special place. The campus is beautiful and is bordered by a downtown square with lots of restaurants and fun shopping. All of it in walking distance from one end to the other. It was such a special opportunity to share the campus and stories with my son on a weekend not quite as hectic as a football weekend. I graduated almost 30 years ago and yet, I felt so at home this weekend. There was a sense of familiarity, the people, the places, and the greetings… I ran into people who were in school with me. I saw familiar faces of people who live in Oxford. And, I saw old friends who hugged me and were genuinely glad to see me. I caught up with other friends’ and their kids at restaurants and coffee shops. For someone that moved 10 hours away after graduation, it is mind-blowing to feel such comfort and love after being gone so long.
My son also got to meet with faculty members who run a program that helps with freshman transition. They really reinforced building a community as quickly as possible when getting to campus. That theme was repeated as he met with different groups like Campus Crusade. And as we talked about that, I realized that the reason I felt so at home was that Ole Miss was my community for an important part of my life. I became an adult on that campus. The school, my friends, and my experiences created a bond that will always be a part of me at my core.
While in Oxford, I also got to spend time with mothers of two of my closest high school friends. And, they were very much a part of my community growing up. It was such a special time to be with these women again and to talk about life and its challenges. It kind of reminded me of the theme song from Cheers- “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.” But, it’s even more than that; you want to go where everybody knows YOU…
When we first realized what the situation was with my oldest and got him into long term residential treatment, I certainly did tell a few close friends but I felt very isolated. They wanted to help. Quite frankly, I didn’t even know how to help myself. How could I expect them to help me? They had no children with addiction. They loved me and felt compassion. But, they couldn’t really put themselves in my shoes and encourage me in ways to combat my struggles. Unless you have gone through something similar, it is hard to understand the anxiety and panic that overtakes you when the phone rings from your child. Or, when a simple request for some financial assistance comes, the fear that then kicks in. Or, even worse the physical pain that you feel when you stop enabling and let them go to the bottom.
So, you don’t feel fully understood and you don’t have the energy to try to explain. There are also times when you are struggling with your own internal questions and that shame or guilt weigh so heavy. That internal “accuser” voice is loud and adds more baggage. Rather than share those struggles, we carry that burden alone. I definitely carried that burden. I picture it as a bag on my back. I threw all that shame, those questions, that fear, and hurt into the bag. And I did my very best to hide it from those around me. It worked at first because I could balance that bag and still stand up straight. So, as long as I managed my interaction with you and stood facing you, you didn’t know that I was carrying it. But, eventually the bag gets too tough to carry standing straight up or I cannot manage my interaction and have to turn my back towards you. You begin to see the burden. If I am not willing to share, I then create a barrier to relationships and I am still left to struggle with my burden on my own. For me, last fall was the time when I finally staggered under the burden and knew I needed to add a community of people who had experienced dealing with addiction. And, I started Alanon. The first several times I spoke up, I cried every time. I had lost that protective veneer. It was the very thing that allowed me to share my burdens and start a new way of thinking. The members of Alanon understood my experience. They knew me in a different way because of our shared struggles. They have been key to my healing.
I asked a couple of people in recovery their thoughts about community. My son was one of those people. He said that community provides a place where God not only reflects his love through others but also teaches him to grow. The other comment that came back is that community can provide camaraderie of people with a common connection. You experience the power and the hope of “me too!” So, I guess the second verse of the Cheers theme song better addresses this- “You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You wanna be where everybody knows your name”
Community is so important and valuable. There come seasons when you need to add to your support. You either need to engage differently with existing communities or seek out those people who have a common experience. They can provide love and encouragement. They can hold a mirror at the times when we need that kind of support. And, they will get YOU. Your story will be familiar to them and they can provide hope. They can help you drop that bag of pain you carry on your back or at least share the load for a while. God placed us in relationship so that he can minister to us. If your fear or shame or pain blocks your relationships, you are blocking his hand at that moment. He won’t let you go but you may not feel that presence until you let others in. So, for anyone feeling alone and carrying a burden, I really encourage you to find a community to be a support to you and you to them. It can be so instrumental to your healing and peace.
I am thankful for the various communities in which I have and continue to be a part of. They are very much a part of who I am today and what I have to share with others. My hope for my son that is making a college decision in the next couple of weeks is that he finds a place that feels like home. A place that becomes his community and provides the support and encouragement he needs. Ole Miss may or may not be that place for him. Time will tell… But regardless, I think he understands the value of community. He will be going through a major transition and building community quickly will give him support, encouragement, and growth. And, connecting with those who are experiencing similar changes and are rooted in similar values will provide the foundation necessary to enter into his new phase. They will serve as his place to get away, a place where everybody knows his name or more importantly knows him…
No comments:
Post a Comment