Change is a coming...

I am sitting on a plane for the next five hours as I head back to North Carolina from a week of meetings in San Francisco. I figured it was the most peaceful time I will have for the next week so I should write my blog early this week. You see tomorrow morning, we leave for a week at the beach with a bunch of teenagers- 11 to be exact and 2 ten year olds. The three Moms wanted to provide a safe but fun week especially for the 5 senior boys. We are all looking forward to our time together this week. At least 3 of the boys have spent spring break together several times over the past years along with several of the other 6 teenagers. So, it will be bittersweet. One more time to enjoy seeing the boys together and listening to their laughter before they all head off in different directions this fall. Change is coming…

I have been in San Francisco for a two day conference and another day of meetings. During that time, I was actually in two different sessions on “Managing Change”. I have been in plenty of sessions before on managing change. The content is always a good reminder but never really full of new or particularly novel ideas. This time there were some thoughts that struck a chord with me. Perhaps, the past few years of crisis and change and looking ahead to the next two years of change as my last two babies graduate, my heart was more open to the concepts. The first concept that struck me was resiliency and what characteristics are key to managing change with resiliency.

So, I began to think about this less from managing change in the workplace and more about managing change personally. If I look back to how I handled our family crisis, I would describe with the following adjectives- desperation, sadness, and guilt. Those emotions were because I could only see the loss or potential for more loss in my son’s life. My motivator was control. I needed to move in, make things better, and get my son’s life “back on track”. My focus became myopic. It was all about “fixing” my son. Lastly, I fought feeling like a victim. But, there were certainly moments where I lived as victim. How could this be happening to me and my child…? Now, I have gone through other times of change or crisis before my son’s addiction. And, my process looked very similar. Those looking on from the outside would have described me as strong and resilient. But I would say knowing it from the inside, I felt weak and afraid.

The facilitators in our training broke down supporting attributes for resiliency into 5 characteristics. I began to think through each of the five and what that means to me personally.

Positivity: I want to be seen as a “glass half-full” person. For me, this has to be rooted in a belief that God is working in and through me and my circumstances for the greater good. If you look, even in the midst of change or crisis, you will see gifts for which to be grateful. It means not seeing me as a victim but knowing by faith that it is a part of much bigger story with a meaningful outcome.

Proactive: Reach out for resources. There is knowledge and expertise with whatever issue you are dealing with available. Certainly, in the area of addiction there is a lot you can read and support groups like Alanon and Celebrate Recovery that will help you as you begin to incorporate change. It means stepping out in faith that God will provide what you need when you need it.

Focused: When the change is focused on your loved ones especially your child, it is easy to have a singular focus on that individual. I know I failed to take care of myself at times. You cannot be the best support to others when you jeopardize your own health, emotional and spiritual well-being. So, honor your faith and belief that you are, too, a beloved child of God and include a focus on your well-being as well as your loved one.

Organized: When things are in flux around you and it all feels foreign, incorporate into your day time to pray and plan. It is easy to get overwhelmed if you look too far ahead. But, if you can maintain some existing routines and add new ones that will help manage in smaller increments, you will be able to better organize your time in a way that supports you and everyone around you. Pray with faith that you will be given the wisdom to make decisions, the strength to act, and that your needs and those of your loved one will be provided.

Flexible: For me, flexibility means letting go of my need to control the outcome. I also cannot control the choices and actions of others. More importantly, I cannot control God. His ways are not our ways. I often act as though I know best. I certainly do not! With God, all things are possible. With me, they are very limited… In the end, being flexible for me means claim by faith that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving AND IS IN CONTROL.

So, if you go back to my earlier description of the ways I have handled change or crisis- desperation, sadness, guilt, control, myopic focus, and victimization, you do not hear or see faith in that, do you? I certainly was not knowing by faith the truths of HIS Power, stepping out based on the truths of HIS Power, honoring by faith HIS Power, Praying with faith in his Power, or claiming by faith the Power of all the HE is! There always came a time when out of the pain and frustration of my circumstance, I realized that I was not living in the trust and reliance of HIS power. Out of the realization, I choose to trust and rely and my faith has been building…

There was a quote provided in our training as well that really rang true by an unknown author. “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, we are propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” It reminded me of a verse in II Corinthians that says “His Power is made perfect in our weakness.” If I look back over time, it is in times of change or turmoil, that my faith has been built and that my life has been transformed. Hanging on to this truth can provide comfort when your child is going through their own crisis. God shows us his finest in those moments when we are at our weakest if we open our eyes and hearts in faith!! Even when you know this, it sure is hard to watch your kids suffer challenges and obstacles. We do everything possible to prevent that from happening. Perhaps, we all need to look at times when we block God (or at least we try to) and trust that God is about transforming. Even at the hardest of times, speak these words of truth. You may not feel it but you will be stepping out in faith and that faith, God always honors!

So, looking forward to our vacation and hopefully a little sun and warmth… We will celebrate my son’s 18th birthday while we are there! Much love to my precious son! Change is definitely coming…

Tough week on the mileage in San Francisco but really looking forward to walking those beaches…