Shame, no more!

One of the primary reasons that I have engaged in this blog is tell our story so that others are more comfortable to share their stories. I have found that my transparency leads to others being transparent right back. Perhaps in that sharing, there is less loneliness and more support. And, God’s love is more apparent. During the past few weeks, I have heard from friends and strangers telling their stories. One thing I have noted is that there is so much shame on to which people hold. The topics have ranged from insecurities to very deep topics like suicide, abuse, and addiction.

It is very easy for me to connect to the pain that comes from feeling shame. I really struggled with shame growing up. For some reason, I felt unlovable as a young child and really long into adulthood. Somehow never enough- not cute enough, not good enough, not smart enough… I kept an internal list for years of things I did or didn’t do, or ways I was treated that reinforced the feelings of not being enough. I was never told that early in life. In fact, I was very much told the opposite at home. For some reason, I just felt it at my core. I didn’t really know the truth of being a child of God. On the outside, I worked very hard to hide my shame. I had a lot of friends, made good grades, and was always busy. But in the quiet of the car, is when the tears of the “soul hurt”, the “not enough” crept out. It wasn’t just that I made mistakes. It was that I WAS a mistake. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is tied to an action versus being tied to an ache of being wrong at the core. Believe me, that is a terrible way to live…

So, this concept of shame has been on my mind all week. I almost postponed my blog waiting to write it after Easter Sunday. But then, what better day to write about shame or rather the antidote to shame! Shame assumes that there is something wrong with us. As I mentioned earlier- a “not enough” feeling. It focuses us on what we cannot do or be rather than we were created to do. It certainly doesn’t focus on the gift we received at Easter all those years ago. It is deceiving rather than truthful.

That deceit often causes us to want to hide either by withdrawing from those around or creating a façade. Either approach causes a barrier to relationship. And, any time that there is a barrier to relationship, the breadth of joy in this world is limited if our connection to others is limited.

Lastly, the other reaction to the deceit of shame is to search for behaviors which minimize the pain that comes from the hole in our soul. Sometimes, that is in negative behaviors like drinking or taking drugs or searching for love to fill that hole. It can be in ways that the world may see as more positive like extreme focus on body image, work, school, or a myriad of other behaviors, hobbies, or community activities. But, I suspect, just as my tears came when I was in the quiet of a car, those driven by shame are well aware of the pain when they find themselves alone.

My son said earlier this week that Shame ties us to our past. I believe it can certainly steal your future if you allow it. But, there is a hope when we focus on the Truth. We were created to be in relationship. God already knows our deepest secrets and loves us regardless. He is Love! We were created uniquely by God to fulfill a purpose on this earth. When we feel we are “not enough”, He is Enough! Lastly, the pain that comes from the longing in our soul is only fully satisfied in Him. He is our Completion!

Today on this Resurrection Sunday, IT IS FINISHED! As the supreme act of sacrificial love, our Christ took on our sin and shame. He died a painful death but then arose victorious over that death. Hallelujah! He was Love! The Cross was Enough! The Resurrection was Completion in its fullest sense! So, when we carry shame, we don’t acknowledge all that Christ is and what he has done on our behalf. There are people in my life and I’m sure yours who struggle with shame. I still struggle with it from time to time. For those that have addiction in their lives, this is a real emotional challenge.

My son and I were discussing that several people in his community had relapsed over the last several weeks. He said very matter of factly that addicts relapse and the community was there to support them. And then, he thoughtfully said that addiction is the only mental health issue that people yell at you when the compulsions of your mental health challenge takes over. It struck my heart how easy it is to react to the addict’s behaviors in a way that assumes that the core is bad. “My son should see how much he hurts us”. “Her husband is such a weak man that he can't say no to that drink.” “Her mother must not be a very caring person or she wouldn’t behave this way.” There are consequences to the behaviors of the addict. The disease is wretched and does mask the person underneath. But that person underneath is still perfectly created by God. God loves the addict just like he loved us and took on all our sin and shame at the cross. He is enough to deal with anything including addiction. And, our forgiveness is complete in his resurrection. Thank goodness for that as we all need forgiveness!

So today, if you are struggling with shame, run to the cross and-

Know that God loves you and wants you to be free of that shame. Lay it at the foot of the cross. His sacrifice is enough. Your forgiveness is complete through His victory. And you can be victorious over anything when you are complete in Him.

It is finished. Light has won. Truth conquers deceit. Through Christ- You are redeemed! Shame, no more…

Thank God, Sunday came! Happy Easter!

Sallie