Yes, I can still panic...

If you read the very first post, this blog started with a running project. In a symbolic gesture of support for my son’s recovery journey, I will be running 1000 miles over the course of the year. This week was my 15th week and I will pass 330 miles. I am basically one-third of the way towards my goal and at least two weeks ahead of schedule. So, I am officially taking pause to celebrate the accomplishment so far. That is really not my normal approach. I tend to focus on what I haven’t done more than what I have. Last week when I was talking to a friend about where I was in the 1000 mile project, she commented on what an accomplishment it was. I responded that yes, but I was really slow. She looked at me and said, “You do know that it is still an accomplishment. Who cares about the speed?” It struck me how often rather than enjoy the moment or acknowledge the progress; I am hard on myself about some perceived failure or gap. I hold myself to an expectation that I would never hold someone else to. In fact, I often hold myself responsible for other’s choices and behaviors.

The last two weeks have been pretty challenging. People that I love have been dealing with great tragedies, illness, and struggling children. And, as I have tried to support them, my heart has been heavy. So, when one of my children came to me with a real struggle on making a big decision about his future and then a few days later, I realized that there was more to the story. He actually had greater struggles at school. I literally launched into 24 hours of panic.

So, what did my panic look like?

First, it was a physical reaction. I was a mess the night I found out the full picture. I didn’t sleep that first night. My mind was racing with all the questions about how we got here and what do we do next. Anxiety about the answers and the outcomes was in full force. The next day, I fought off waves of tears alternating between the tears and shoving the emotion back down only to erupt again in another wave. I worked very hard to keep it in private. In that moment, I had lost full control of my emotions and physical reaction.

It was fear. I projected a very negative outcome. I layered in all the fears that I experienced with my oldest child and his struggle with addiction into this scenario. I was certain that I would have another child whose future was at risk. In that moment, I had lost perspective on the issue at hand.

And, it was self-recrimination and guilt. I dealt with myself harshly. It was a personal “smack down”. How did I not see what was going on with my child? Have I not given my children the right foundations to handle life’s challenges? Have I not parented them in a way to thrive? What kind of mother am I? I am not equipped… In that moment, I had lost grace for myself and trust in God’s ability to work through me and in my child.

In the middle of this panic, I had a close friend call. As I lost control and sobbed, I told her the story of what was going on. She said to me, “Slow down. You are responding to this in a post-traumatic stress manner.” She was right. I was reacting to this out of all the fear I had experienced when my son was in active addiction. We started walking through the broader context, the other positive things going on in my child’s life and what the next steps could be. That was the beginning of subsiding that panic. The support from a close friend helped me stop, breathe and take a more realistic view of the situation. I dropped to my knees and prayed. That prayer began to diminish my fear. Over the course of the day, I began to gain control over my emotions and regain a proper perspective. I was better able to respond rather than react.

Later in the week, I was talking to a therapist about these 24 hours of panic. He said that it made sense that I responded from old trauma. He went on to talk about our body reacts from prior traumas. The original fear that I felt about the welfare of my oldest or other life situations was natural. Our body kicks into fight or flight mode. So, there are steps to take when our body reacts to intervene like breathing and prayer. It was not my weakness. It was natural.

Then we talked about the corresponding self-recriminations that occur for me when faced with these challenges. I have thought a lot about that. I often lose sight of my value as a child of God and do not treat myself with the grace I give others. I operate from a place of responsibility for those in my life. A place that holds me accountable for their reactions, choices and outcomes. What a place of ego!! It is a heavy accountability and completely irrational. Yes, God loves me and put my children under my care. He also loves my children and gave us all free will. It is through our choices and their outcomes that He works in our lives. So, my drive to protect can actually injure or postpone growth. It is my job to set boundaries, guide, support and love. It is not my job to take the full burden of my family’s choices and behavior. And, I can trust that God is never asleep and is active in their lives whether I can see it or not. So, I am giving myself grace in this situation and trusting in God’s involvement. What a relief…

Well, the world did not end last week, the sun still rose, and yes, my child still has a bright future! The outcome of the situation with my child is that we created a plan that he was responsible for, let him execute on that plan, and set some family consequences. I think he learned some real lessons around dealing with stress and built some confidence around being able to handle challenges. With the weight of his issues relieved, he has new perspective and seems to be ready to move forward with his decision about his future. And, I learned some real lessons as well. God was working for the good in both our lives.

I had a recent conversation with a mother who was dealing with her child’s addiction. In many ways, the issues I described above where playing out as she dealt with her situation. I know I have experienced it more than once when my son was in active addiction. And, clearly these challenges spill over into other areas of our lives. For those of you dealing with challenging situations with your kids, I leave you with the lessons that I was reminded of this week and am trying to hold on to:

1. Emotions and physical reactions are normal. Don’t feel weak because they occur. Do what you can to take care of your physical needs in the middle of the crisis. Even if all you can do is pay attention to your breathing. And, pray for peace…
2. Support is necessary, so reach out. The ability to gain perspective is important and others can be instrumental in that process. And, pray for wisdom…
3. Fear is normal but harmful. So, share your fears. Parenting out of fear is parenting out of a place of weakness not of strength. Shine light on your fears by acknowledging those fears with others. It helps to minimize their stronghold. And, pray for clarity…
4. Give yourself grace. There is no parenting manual on dealing with a child who is an addict. In Alanon, I have learned to accept that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control and I can’t cure it. What we experience in those traumatic situations does impact other areas of our lives. It is a family disease. Do the best you can at the moment, continue to learn and take care of yourself. It will enable you to be a better parent. And, pray for faith...
5. God loves you and your child and is right by your side. Trust that! And, just keep praying…

So today, I am going to celebrate that my panic only lasted for 24 hours and that I was able to incorporate old and new learnings through the situation. I am going to celebrate that my child learned valuable lessons last week and that God is actively working in his life. And I am going to celebrate that I have run 330 miles no matter how many hours it took me to do it!

With that, I’ll run some more. What a journey this life is! And, I’ll celebrate that!