At the end of my blog is a section called “About Me”. And, at the end of that section, I acknowledge that I will not always capture things perfectly and ask for your grace as I share what I am learning on this journey. So, today I ask for your grace. I have a topic that has grabbed my soul this week but as I start to write I have no clarity about where God is taking this. So, I just trust that it will speak to someone who needs to hear it.
This has been a sad, heavy week. Two people who I care about lost someone close to them unexpectedly. Another person close to me received a cancer diagnosis. And, I have had conversations with mothers of addicts who have felt isolated and lonely on top of the fear, grief, and the myriad of emotions that come when dealing with a child struggling with addiction. So, I want to explore loneliness. There are times that as we deal with adversity we feel incredible loneliness.
I am not talking about loneliness that is just boredom that comes from being alone or missing someone who is temporarily absent. And, I am not talking about loneliness that is associated with real depression. That really needs to be addressed by people who are experts in dealing with depression. I am talking about loneliness that most if not all of us have experienced at some time or another. It comes from feeling isolated, unknown, misunderstood, forgotten or even unloved. This kind of soul loneliness can certainly occur when you are alone but can just as easily occur in a crowded room.
I have been blessed throughout my life with a family who loves me and friends who do as well. And I love them and am so thankful for those who have been and are in my life. And even so, I have struggled with loneliness at different times in my life. My struggle with loneliness has been the times where I was facing adversity. So, the question is why does my loneliness repeat itself when I am surrounded by people who care. I have relationships but what are the barriers to those relationships that are creating my loneliness? There are actually many answers to that question at least for me so I thought I’d share some of those with you. By exploring the answers, I have found some truths.
ANSWER ONE: At some point in my life, I adopted the belief that I was supposed to be perfect. If I was perfect, then others would be pleased with me and my life would be filled with blessings and peace as if I was the center of life. Perfection really drives self-importance, doesn’t it? My boss earlier in my career who was a mentor to me could see the stress that this belief caused me. Most of the time, I could hide it. But that day, she saw me and I mean really saw ME. She said out of love, "you are the most imperfect perfectionist I know". She saw behind the façade that I had so carefully built. Her point was that I was living my life based on “shoulds” and some misguided belief that I could control life if I just did things perfectly. TRUTH ONE: Living with the belief that one must be perfect requires a façade to be built as no one is perfect. That façade is not only a burden but creates loneliness and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
It does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
ANSWER TWO: Plain and simple, I struggle with both pride and shame. I don’t want anyone to see my mess. I don’t want to be vulnerable. When challenged with a difficulty, I have tried to handle it on my own. My pride just gets in the way. When I have failed, I have felt shame. Shame that I made the wrong choices or wasn’t fully capable to deal with the problem or even my emotions. Or, shame that I would disappoint those that loved me. TRUTH TWO: Pride breeds self-reliance and shame challenges our value as a child of God. And yes, living through adversity focused on pride or shame is a burden, creates loneliness, and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
We were not created to handle this broken world on our own and it does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
ANSWER THREE: Lastly, when I allow fear to replace hope, fear seeps into everything. Life gets small. It gets dark and it gets lonely. Fear causes my focus to shift to self-protection. When crisis hits, I get hit with each of these answers and land at fear. I should have made a different choice or known how to handle something. I can’t let someone see what a mess I am. I am afraid because I do not know what the next step is. TRUTH THREE- Fear is not of the Lord. Hope is. Anything is possible with God. Finally, managing adversity through fear is a burden, creates loneliness and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
We were created to be in relationship with God and his children and living in fear does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
Dealing with a child or any family member who is struggling with addiction can be a very lonely and isolating place to be. I can look at each of those areas: perfectionism, pride, shame, fear and see how it played out in the early days of my family’s situation. I was lonely. I didn’t want people to know what was going on. I was afraid they would judge me and my child. I thought I could educate myself and figure out the plan. I was self-important, self-reliant and was all about self-protection. God has been so gracious to me. You see he let all those strategies fail. He let me feel the weight of that loneliness and it ultimately drove me right back to Him. For those struggling with the loneliness and isolation of addiction, reach out first to God. He loves you and is right there every step of the way. Sometimes, we just fail to see that. Then recognize that God ministers to our needs through others. Sometimes people don’t see what is going on because of the busyness of life or the façade we carefully construct. Rather than assume that you are forgotten about or not understood, reach out, share your challenges, and ask for what you need. There are communities like Alanon that provide a safe place to discuss what is going on in your life and provide encouragement and support. And, there are likely friends who want to help and just don’t know how. Just take one step. There is encouragement and hope regardless of how lonely and hard your situation is.
For those who are not struggling with loneliness or adversities at the moment, you can be a great support to those who are. Just a simple text or a phone call to someone who is going through something might be the light that provides a little hope for the day. Slow down and pray that God will open your eyes to the needs of those in your life. Trust those moments when someone comes to your mind. I call them God-whispers. Reach out when they come. You will be amazed how God weaves us together in loving care and provides the blessing of relationship to both those being ministered to and those who are doing the ministering.
You see we were created not to be lonely but to be in relationship with our Creator. In that relationship, our Creator then uses others to minister to our needs. He intends to take our burdens if we will just release them. And when we do that in relationship with God, we honor the Life for which God’s grace has provided.
Now, off to run…
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