I got up this Saturday morning and began to think about what I would write this weekend. It has been one of those periods where there has been so much sadness from suicides, accidental overdoses, and unexpected losses. The family from my home town for whom I asked for prayers last week did lose their son this week. Through Facebook, I got to see an outpouring of love that is almost indescribable. I can’t imagine what this actually felt like in the community given how touching it was from afar. It occurred to me that God was wrapping this family in his loving arms through his own children. How moving it must have been for that community to grieve, love and support each other, and cling to faith and prayer openly. What got demonstrated in different ways was there was more to this story than the death of this precious son. This child left not only an imprint on this community in his life and but now in his death. These grieving teenagers and their families have been forever impacted by the recognition that life is fleeting, there is strength in the bond of community, and faith brings hope and peace in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances. The truth is we all learn those lessons ultimately through our difficulties and tragedies not during times of prosperity. During the storms is when it gets seared into how we live our lives going forward. God redeems our tragedies in miraculous ways but ways we may not even ever see. But boy is that hopeful and healing! And, it brings peace out of the chaos.
So, this concept of peace has been on my mind. I was thinking about whether I should write about it this week. Then I got a precious note from a friend entitled Searching for Peace. That is it! God may not speak audibly but he does speak to our hearts and reinforces and directs our paths through our circumstances or through others. It is peace that I so desire. It is not happiness although that would be great. But, it is more than that- It is deeper and not contingent on circumstances or others. The feeling of happiness comes and goes. I yearn for the serenity that comes from a core faith that God is in control and even the bad can be redeemed. It is definitely a “soul thing.”
I have a favorite hymn- “It is Well With my Soul”. Just singing it brings tears to my eyes every single time. It touches me to the core- to my soul. The story of the writer, Horatio Spafford, is one of pain and grief. He lived in the latter part of the 1800s and first lost a son to Scarlet Fever. He was ruined financially when the Great Chicago Fire took place. While dealing with his business interests, he sent his wife with his four daughters on a ship to Europe. That ship sank and only his wife survived. On his way via ship to be with his grieving wife, he passed the area where his daughters perished and he wrote the words to this hymn. If you don’t know this hymn, please google it and listen. It will touch you. It is such an incredible expression of faith. I will quote a few verses that speak so beautifully to what could only be God-given peace in the middle of such tragedy.
“When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.
After confirming that it was peace I would write about today, I went to my normal Saturday morning Alanon meeting and the topic was serenity. There may be a technical difference but for me it was basically the same. And as usual, I walked away from that meeting with great wisdom around this topic so I thought I would share. The first is the concept of acceptance and surrender. That doesn’t mean to give up. It does meant to ”accept the things that I cannot change” and turn the rest over to God. I have actually started a “Lay it on the altar” journal. If there is something that I am worried about but cannot change, I write in this journal with space to come back later and document how God worked in the situation. There is not peace when we fight against something we have absolutely no control over. The concept of openness was also described as picturing ourselves with hands and arms opened and letting the power and the peace of God flow through rather than closing ourselves off. This also means honoring our feelings. You can grieve and still feel a sense of peace that God is at work. And lastly, there is a story in motion. A story of God’s miraculous provision was shared and the comment about how a circumstance does not have to be the end of the story. So, when we are faced with a difficulty, we can rest in the fact that there is more to the story. There is an ordained story and it is still unfolding.
I have seen tangible evidence of that this week in the life of the Wilbank’s family. Now this kind of peace in this kind of tragedy seems unattainable. The world view doesn’t support attainment of real peace. My feeling is the world view gets focused on personal achievement of happiness. If you are financially successful, then that should bring happiness. And it might for a time but it is not sustainable. Ask those that lost pensions and other financial resources in 2007 and 2008. The more you get done or acquire, the happier you are. I don’t know about you but we have evolved to such a pace it seems impossible to remain in the present and feel at peace. There is always another commitment to get to and an inability to do it all weighs heavy. It certainly doesn’t yield peace. And all that stuff, I can’t wait to get rid of it. It is a burden to me not a source of peace. One of my favorite verses is in John 14 as Christ’s encourages the disciples in anticipation of his betrayal and sacrifice on the cross. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” That is the peace that I desire. And, that peace is more than happiness. It is a deep abiding faith that speaks to my soul no matter the crashing waves or the darkness that comes. It is peace that also allows me to be present and see God’s hand and hear his voice. It is an assurance that enables me to say “It is well with my soul”.
I’ll leave you with a prayer that I wrote as a part of my Alanon work focused on turning my will and my life over to God.
Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love. Let your will be done.
And I run thanking God for his promise of a Peace that transcends all understanding!
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
God's grace reflected in our scars
One of the first things I read today was a post that a friend shared from the Christian band, Casting Crowns. It was talking about how we often go to church pretending that everything is fine; when in fact, we are beat up and wounded. And yet, church is the place for us to join together in our brokenness. It should be a safe place to be transparent about our journey. The comment that I loved the most from the band, I will quote directly. “Your scars are a road map to God’s grace in your life.” It just reinforces the beauty found in the pain when you believe that our scars reflect God’s grace.
That is such a precious thought to me and it takes me right to the gift of the cross. The scars of the cross provided the ultimate gift of grace. I am always amazed how we get to experience the meaning of the bigger gifts and lessons of Christ through the circumstances and the relationships in our lives. Maybe if we really believed and trusted our journey as a reflection of God’s grace, we would be better able to share the burdens that we and others carry.
I have been aware for a long time what a privilege it is when someone shares their heart with you. I had one of my special friends with whom I have reconnected exchange some messages last night and today mentioning that there was a lot swirling around in his mind. When I asked what was swirling around, he responded with great openness. By the end of that exchange, we acknowledged that our experiences open up a unique space to provide support to someone else who is walking a similar path. It is those same scars and grace that provide hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.
In order to be able to do that, there are a few lessons that come to mind. The first lesson is that we have to give ourselves a break. Your experience doesn’t have to be totally resolved and wrapped up in a bow to be valuable. It doesn’t even matter if you keep tripping over the same old stones like fear on the path. We all struggle with moving forward at times. There are lessons and gifts of grace that come even in that. It requires humility to acknowledge that we are weak or that our lives are imperfect. That’s ok. It gives God lots of runway to redeem the situation. So, release the burden of perfection, shame, or anything else you carry around that tells you that you are not equipped to support through sharing your story or brokenness. God can make a “Message out of Mess”. Our souls are created to yearn for the grace felt from being understood. Sometimes all somebody really needs is to feel understood and who best to do that than someone who has or is walking a similar path.
The second lesson is to listen for the opportunity to love somebody by engaging in their journey. I got to experience the blessing of this today. After church, I stopped by to have my nails done. A woman around my age came in with her mother to have a manicure done. I noticed that the daughter was quite careful with her mother and extremely loving. It could have been that they just always got along that way. However, I suspected that it was more than that.
It just so happened that the daughter finished 10 minutes or so before her mother and was sitting by me. So, I asked her if her mother lived with her. She ended up sharing that her mother had a quick onset of dementia after some successive surgeries that required anesthesia to which the doctors attribute her memory decline. She shared a bit about the challenge of losing the mother that she had known her whole life, finding her a new, safe environment for her mother, and the toll it had taken on her health as a result of the stress of it all. My heart was touched that she opened up to me like that. She ended on a note of love and heartfelt gratitude that she was thankful that there was place that cared for her mother well and was close by. I just responded that she was lucky to have her daughter. I watched her tears come and a big smile. She thanked me in a way I could tell that it was an encouragement to her. Maybe, it was an opportunity for her to share her burden for the moment. It was a moment that I felt was ordained. I heard God’s urging in my soul and reached out. Our souls are created to love and be an active tool of God’s grace. So, Listen for God’s urging in your soul. He calls us to love in the moment. And, sometimes, it’s a family member or friend and sometimes it’s a woman sitting next to you at the nail salon.
Lastly, trust that God is in the journey and that he’s not just there to catch you when you fall. He is in every step, supporting, teaching and guiding all along the way. It is so easy for me to lose sight of this. I have been working on Step 3 which talks about turning our will and our lives over to the care of God. As I was talking to my sponsor about how I have done over the last week since my younger son left for college. I mentioned that I was really struggling with not knowing what was going on. Did he have his books? Is it a challenge getting from one class to the other on time? How’s the food? And on and on… She kindly said to me, “I guess you’re still not turning over your will and life to God.”
And she was right. I have to trust that my son still has a parent there walking his path. This transition time is my journey. Regardless of the journey, the more you trust in God, the more you are able to see and experience his grace. And, the more you do that, the more you are willing to be transparent about the journey. You can see the beauty that rises from the ashes. Your soul is created to be in relationship with God. So trusting that God is in your journey with you, allows you to have faith that the scars of the journey will reflect God’s grace. When you know that, really know that, you are excited to be called in faith to enter into someone else’s journey no matter exactly where you are in yours!
With that said, I wanted to ask that you enter into some difficult journeys that I heard about yesterday from my home in Mississippi. Any of us can enter into these families’ journeys through prayer. There is young man who fell ill during a Friday night football game. He is in critical condition and not awake. The Wilbanks family needs your prayers. There have also been at least 5 kids hospitalized from Mississippi State University after smoking pot laced with a designer drug similar to LSD called N-bomb, 25I or Smiles. I read an article that said it could be the most deadly designer drug to date. Get educated and talk to your kids. I read one parent whose child told them that he smoked pot because he thought it was safer than alcohol. His pot was laced with this. All of it has the potential to be unsafe. These families do not know what the health outcome will be. There is sustained mania and other personality changes. The article said there are other long term effects outside of overdose that include seizures and kidney damage. This may sound a bit melodramatic but there is a drug war focused on our kids and there are enemies in this battle. We have got to battle back though our own education, educating our kids, and not dismissing behavior as normal adolescent behavior. It can be life and death.
So, I run today in support of these families and the difficult journey that they are on. Run with me through prayer!
That is such a precious thought to me and it takes me right to the gift of the cross. The scars of the cross provided the ultimate gift of grace. I am always amazed how we get to experience the meaning of the bigger gifts and lessons of Christ through the circumstances and the relationships in our lives. Maybe if we really believed and trusted our journey as a reflection of God’s grace, we would be better able to share the burdens that we and others carry.
I have been aware for a long time what a privilege it is when someone shares their heart with you. I had one of my special friends with whom I have reconnected exchange some messages last night and today mentioning that there was a lot swirling around in his mind. When I asked what was swirling around, he responded with great openness. By the end of that exchange, we acknowledged that our experiences open up a unique space to provide support to someone else who is walking a similar path. It is those same scars and grace that provide hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.
In order to be able to do that, there are a few lessons that come to mind. The first lesson is that we have to give ourselves a break. Your experience doesn’t have to be totally resolved and wrapped up in a bow to be valuable. It doesn’t even matter if you keep tripping over the same old stones like fear on the path. We all struggle with moving forward at times. There are lessons and gifts of grace that come even in that. It requires humility to acknowledge that we are weak or that our lives are imperfect. That’s ok. It gives God lots of runway to redeem the situation. So, release the burden of perfection, shame, or anything else you carry around that tells you that you are not equipped to support through sharing your story or brokenness. God can make a “Message out of Mess”. Our souls are created to yearn for the grace felt from being understood. Sometimes all somebody really needs is to feel understood and who best to do that than someone who has or is walking a similar path.
The second lesson is to listen for the opportunity to love somebody by engaging in their journey. I got to experience the blessing of this today. After church, I stopped by to have my nails done. A woman around my age came in with her mother to have a manicure done. I noticed that the daughter was quite careful with her mother and extremely loving. It could have been that they just always got along that way. However, I suspected that it was more than that.
It just so happened that the daughter finished 10 minutes or so before her mother and was sitting by me. So, I asked her if her mother lived with her. She ended up sharing that her mother had a quick onset of dementia after some successive surgeries that required anesthesia to which the doctors attribute her memory decline. She shared a bit about the challenge of losing the mother that she had known her whole life, finding her a new, safe environment for her mother, and the toll it had taken on her health as a result of the stress of it all. My heart was touched that she opened up to me like that. She ended on a note of love and heartfelt gratitude that she was thankful that there was place that cared for her mother well and was close by. I just responded that she was lucky to have her daughter. I watched her tears come and a big smile. She thanked me in a way I could tell that it was an encouragement to her. Maybe, it was an opportunity for her to share her burden for the moment. It was a moment that I felt was ordained. I heard God’s urging in my soul and reached out. Our souls are created to love and be an active tool of God’s grace. So, Listen for God’s urging in your soul. He calls us to love in the moment. And, sometimes, it’s a family member or friend and sometimes it’s a woman sitting next to you at the nail salon.
Lastly, trust that God is in the journey and that he’s not just there to catch you when you fall. He is in every step, supporting, teaching and guiding all along the way. It is so easy for me to lose sight of this. I have been working on Step 3 which talks about turning our will and our lives over to the care of God. As I was talking to my sponsor about how I have done over the last week since my younger son left for college. I mentioned that I was really struggling with not knowing what was going on. Did he have his books? Is it a challenge getting from one class to the other on time? How’s the food? And on and on… She kindly said to me, “I guess you’re still not turning over your will and life to God.”
And she was right. I have to trust that my son still has a parent there walking his path. This transition time is my journey. Regardless of the journey, the more you trust in God, the more you are able to see and experience his grace. And, the more you do that, the more you are willing to be transparent about the journey. You can see the beauty that rises from the ashes. Your soul is created to be in relationship with God. So trusting that God is in your journey with you, allows you to have faith that the scars of the journey will reflect God’s grace. When you know that, really know that, you are excited to be called in faith to enter into someone else’s journey no matter exactly where you are in yours!
With that said, I wanted to ask that you enter into some difficult journeys that I heard about yesterday from my home in Mississippi. Any of us can enter into these families’ journeys through prayer. There is young man who fell ill during a Friday night football game. He is in critical condition and not awake. The Wilbanks family needs your prayers. There have also been at least 5 kids hospitalized from Mississippi State University after smoking pot laced with a designer drug similar to LSD called N-bomb, 25I or Smiles. I read an article that said it could be the most deadly designer drug to date. Get educated and talk to your kids. I read one parent whose child told them that he smoked pot because he thought it was safer than alcohol. His pot was laced with this. All of it has the potential to be unsafe. These families do not know what the health outcome will be. There is sustained mania and other personality changes. The article said there are other long term effects outside of overdose that include seizures and kidney damage. This may sound a bit melodramatic but there is a drug war focused on our kids and there are enemies in this battle. We have got to battle back though our own education, educating our kids, and not dismissing behavior as normal adolescent behavior. It can be life and death.
So, I run today in support of these families and the difficult journey that they are on. Run with me through prayer!
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Let the tears fall!
I woke up this Sunday morning just reflecting on the events of the past week. It was a big week in the life of my family. On Thursday, my baby girl started her senior year of high school. Then later that evening, my oldest picked up his 9 month chip from his AA home group. And finally yesterday, I dropped my other son at school to begin his freshman year at the University of South Carolina. It has been an emotional week for me. One with many emotions represented often in waves coming one right after the other.
With that said, I have had precious time and conversations with my kids as they enter new phases of life. My daughter was full of excitement. She said that she and her friends would take the senior year by storm participating in every event. They wanted to be the best senior class ever at their school. It will be a joy to watch them experience it to the fullest! My oldest talked to me about achieving 9 months of sobriety. It was a great achievement but he spoke with such humility. He knew that he made it to that point with God’s help and his program. It will take staying aware of that reliance on God to keep moving forward in this life of ongoing sobriety. He was not comfortable being recognized publicly but grateful for the strength God has given him. Lastly, my younger son felt a mix of emotions from excitement to nervousness. But, he was ready to move through the anxiety into this new phase in his life. Believe me; the momma felt all of those emotions and more.
I wasn’t sure exactly what I would write about today. I just wanted to take some time and explore what I was feeling. Then I read an excerpt from Frederick Buechner that resonated with me. He talked about tears and encouraged us to pay close attention to when tears come. He suggested that they are telling us something about who we are. He also suggested that God speaks to us through our tears of the mystery of where we come from and where we should go next. I have heard before that our eyes are the opening to our souls. If so, tears must reflect our soul’s yearning.
Given all that we were experiencing this week, tears were an ever present threat for me. I tried to keep them at bay but they were at the surface often. It wasn’t until I was ready to leave my son at school did my tears finally fall. So in the spirit of Frederick Buechner, I thought I would explore my tears and what God might be showing me in the midst. And so, I thought back over the past few days and here are some of the core emotions that generated tears and some insight.
Tears of Gratitude- My son’s milestone of 9 months has been looming. It is a very difficult hurdle for addicts to get over. He had not made it before due to relapse. So, this was symbolic in many ways of progress. It was a hopeful sign that he is truly learning and committed to living in recovery. I feel such gratitude that God worked in “the valley of the shadow of death” last fall to speak to my son. He brought strength out of weakness and has continued to walk the path with my son. Without active addiction in the way, we have continued to strengthen our relationship through honesty and encouragement rather than manipulation and enablement. My tears came because I am so thankful that we made it through that dark time and are living in the light today. And, I am so proud of that courage and perseverance that he has demonstrated to get to this point. My son is an awesome example of both God’s creation but God’s love for his children. My son has a meaningful story to tell about walking with God along a difficult path. His courage and humility is inspiring and God is so gracious!! May God continue to teach me to live with courage and humility and to rely on Him both in the good times and the difficult times.
Tears of Anticipation- Listening to my daughter talk about how she wanted to experience her senior year brought a smile that bubbled up from within and brought tears to my eyes. She was looking at her year from the eyes of opportunity. That made me think about how often I look forward with anxious thoughts. I let fear come in and overwhelm me at times. Or, I lose sight of all that is miraculous because I get overwhelmed by the mundane. My daughter is looking at ways to live life to the fullest while my focus has often just been for survival. My daughter is taking an active approach to her story. She will have a meaningful story to tell as she opens herself up to the possibilities of what God is putting before her. Her openness is inspiring and God is so gracious! May God continue to teach me to live with an openness and sense of opportunity and to rely on Him for the future.
Tears of Fear- Yesterday, as we walked through campus, we talked about how my son was feeling. He was definitely nervous. But, he knew this was where he was supposed to be and would work through that. He even commented that he was glad that they were having a floor meeting in the dorm. He saw it as a chance to meet new people. Now, my son is introverted in new situations. But, he was ready to push through the fear to take the next steps towards getting settled in his new situation. He has had a year of taking a faith stand and moving forward with a God-focus. As a result, he was teased and cut-out of some old friendships but reached out to those with whom he could draw support from. He made a college choice based on where he could be the most successful with his faith and desire to serve. He even went to camp to serve, a day after having hand surgery making it difficult to do normal tasks. He has demonstrated a commitment to God’s plan and persevered with courage. As I left him at the dorm, the tears finally fell. These tears were a mix of emotions. But, my tears of fear were for potential challenges that he might experience that I cannot protect him from. His journey is now between him and God. His faith and perseverance is inspiring and God is so gracious. May God continue to teach me faith and perseverance through the fear and to rely on him to walk the path guiding us all along the way.
Tears of Grief- There have been tears of grief this week. I am sad that I do not get to see my oldest son very often. I would have loved to have been there when he received his 9 month chip. The reality is that I will not be at all the meaningful events in their adulthood. I will miss having my youngest son around. He will likely not live in our house but for defined periods again. The time with him flew by and that makes me sad. And finally, I only have one more year with my daughter at home. So, it is easy to take a leap forward and dread the empty nest and the loss of her presence. There were many things along the way that I wish had been different during their years at home. It brings tears to my eyes just typing that statement in. But, in Ecclesiastes, we are reminded that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity. So to continue to grieve their absence, although human, doesn’t acknowledge God’s plan.
That is what I am left with after this reflection. I must trust God’s plan. I must move forward with faith, humility, courage, perseverance and openness to what God has in store for me. My life is an ongoing story of God’s call and his graciousness. Phil 3:13,14 says, “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
And, I must trust him in the same way with my kids. I can only speak from a mother’s viewpoint. But, parenting that occurs with addiction and recovery and even the transition of our children to adulthood is a hard and a scary to transition to make for a mother. I know I am joined by many of you who are dealing with one or both of these situations right now. As mothers, our lives are so focused on the care and nurture of our children. We can lose sight that motherhood is only one aspect of who God called us to be. And, if our life’s success is only measured by the challenges of our kids experience or the choices that they make, then that leaves us either in a very difficult, desperate place or in a position that places us above God. We are called to love, to teach and to nurture our children. We do not take the place of God in their lives. We cannot control all of their life circumstances or their free will. I know I have certainly tried but am realizing just how ludicrous that really is and how easy it is for me to try to take that role. Thankfully, God is ever present and has the strength and power to intervene in the good and the bad. I can leave it to the expert!
God does have a plan for our lives that goes beyond our kids. Our lives still have a calling despite the current state of our child’s recovery. God still has a plan for us beyond having kids in the house. And, he is still perfecting our faith through his gifts and trials. There is a new season planned. So, let the tears fall. As Buechner said, let God speak to you about the mystery of where you have come from and where you should go. Finally, may we be inspired by a new season and God’s graciousness!
In honor of our kids heading off to their freshman year in college, I leave you with a verse from a prayer I wrote for my son:
For he was HIS before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.
I run today cheering for all the new seasons begun!
With that said, I have had precious time and conversations with my kids as they enter new phases of life. My daughter was full of excitement. She said that she and her friends would take the senior year by storm participating in every event. They wanted to be the best senior class ever at their school. It will be a joy to watch them experience it to the fullest! My oldest talked to me about achieving 9 months of sobriety. It was a great achievement but he spoke with such humility. He knew that he made it to that point with God’s help and his program. It will take staying aware of that reliance on God to keep moving forward in this life of ongoing sobriety. He was not comfortable being recognized publicly but grateful for the strength God has given him. Lastly, my younger son felt a mix of emotions from excitement to nervousness. But, he was ready to move through the anxiety into this new phase in his life. Believe me; the momma felt all of those emotions and more.
I wasn’t sure exactly what I would write about today. I just wanted to take some time and explore what I was feeling. Then I read an excerpt from Frederick Buechner that resonated with me. He talked about tears and encouraged us to pay close attention to when tears come. He suggested that they are telling us something about who we are. He also suggested that God speaks to us through our tears of the mystery of where we come from and where we should go next. I have heard before that our eyes are the opening to our souls. If so, tears must reflect our soul’s yearning.
Given all that we were experiencing this week, tears were an ever present threat for me. I tried to keep them at bay but they were at the surface often. It wasn’t until I was ready to leave my son at school did my tears finally fall. So in the spirit of Frederick Buechner, I thought I would explore my tears and what God might be showing me in the midst. And so, I thought back over the past few days and here are some of the core emotions that generated tears and some insight.
Tears of Gratitude- My son’s milestone of 9 months has been looming. It is a very difficult hurdle for addicts to get over. He had not made it before due to relapse. So, this was symbolic in many ways of progress. It was a hopeful sign that he is truly learning and committed to living in recovery. I feel such gratitude that God worked in “the valley of the shadow of death” last fall to speak to my son. He brought strength out of weakness and has continued to walk the path with my son. Without active addiction in the way, we have continued to strengthen our relationship through honesty and encouragement rather than manipulation and enablement. My tears came because I am so thankful that we made it through that dark time and are living in the light today. And, I am so proud of that courage and perseverance that he has demonstrated to get to this point. My son is an awesome example of both God’s creation but God’s love for his children. My son has a meaningful story to tell about walking with God along a difficult path. His courage and humility is inspiring and God is so gracious!! May God continue to teach me to live with courage and humility and to rely on Him both in the good times and the difficult times.
Tears of Anticipation- Listening to my daughter talk about how she wanted to experience her senior year brought a smile that bubbled up from within and brought tears to my eyes. She was looking at her year from the eyes of opportunity. That made me think about how often I look forward with anxious thoughts. I let fear come in and overwhelm me at times. Or, I lose sight of all that is miraculous because I get overwhelmed by the mundane. My daughter is looking at ways to live life to the fullest while my focus has often just been for survival. My daughter is taking an active approach to her story. She will have a meaningful story to tell as she opens herself up to the possibilities of what God is putting before her. Her openness is inspiring and God is so gracious! May God continue to teach me to live with an openness and sense of opportunity and to rely on Him for the future.
Tears of Fear- Yesterday, as we walked through campus, we talked about how my son was feeling. He was definitely nervous. But, he knew this was where he was supposed to be and would work through that. He even commented that he was glad that they were having a floor meeting in the dorm. He saw it as a chance to meet new people. Now, my son is introverted in new situations. But, he was ready to push through the fear to take the next steps towards getting settled in his new situation. He has had a year of taking a faith stand and moving forward with a God-focus. As a result, he was teased and cut-out of some old friendships but reached out to those with whom he could draw support from. He made a college choice based on where he could be the most successful with his faith and desire to serve. He even went to camp to serve, a day after having hand surgery making it difficult to do normal tasks. He has demonstrated a commitment to God’s plan and persevered with courage. As I left him at the dorm, the tears finally fell. These tears were a mix of emotions. But, my tears of fear were for potential challenges that he might experience that I cannot protect him from. His journey is now between him and God. His faith and perseverance is inspiring and God is so gracious. May God continue to teach me faith and perseverance through the fear and to rely on him to walk the path guiding us all along the way.
Tears of Grief- There have been tears of grief this week. I am sad that I do not get to see my oldest son very often. I would have loved to have been there when he received his 9 month chip. The reality is that I will not be at all the meaningful events in their adulthood. I will miss having my youngest son around. He will likely not live in our house but for defined periods again. The time with him flew by and that makes me sad. And finally, I only have one more year with my daughter at home. So, it is easy to take a leap forward and dread the empty nest and the loss of her presence. There were many things along the way that I wish had been different during their years at home. It brings tears to my eyes just typing that statement in. But, in Ecclesiastes, we are reminded that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity. So to continue to grieve their absence, although human, doesn’t acknowledge God’s plan.
That is what I am left with after this reflection. I must trust God’s plan. I must move forward with faith, humility, courage, perseverance and openness to what God has in store for me. My life is an ongoing story of God’s call and his graciousness. Phil 3:13,14 says, “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
And, I must trust him in the same way with my kids. I can only speak from a mother’s viewpoint. But, parenting that occurs with addiction and recovery and even the transition of our children to adulthood is a hard and a scary to transition to make for a mother. I know I am joined by many of you who are dealing with one or both of these situations right now. As mothers, our lives are so focused on the care and nurture of our children. We can lose sight that motherhood is only one aspect of who God called us to be. And, if our life’s success is only measured by the challenges of our kids experience or the choices that they make, then that leaves us either in a very difficult, desperate place or in a position that places us above God. We are called to love, to teach and to nurture our children. We do not take the place of God in their lives. We cannot control all of their life circumstances or their free will. I know I have certainly tried but am realizing just how ludicrous that really is and how easy it is for me to try to take that role. Thankfully, God is ever present and has the strength and power to intervene in the good and the bad. I can leave it to the expert!
God does have a plan for our lives that goes beyond our kids. Our lives still have a calling despite the current state of our child’s recovery. God still has a plan for us beyond having kids in the house. And, he is still perfecting our faith through his gifts and trials. There is a new season planned. So, let the tears fall. As Buechner said, let God speak to you about the mystery of where you have come from and where you should go. Finally, may we be inspired by a new season and God’s graciousness!
In honor of our kids heading off to their freshman year in college, I leave you with a verse from a prayer I wrote for my son:
For he was HIS before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.
I run today cheering for all the new seasons begun!
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Pain is inevitable; Suffering is not...
Since I began sharing the challenges my family was facing a year or so ago and especially since the blog, I have had the privilege of being asked to enter the journeys of many other families dealing with addiction. I use the word “privilege” intentionally. In my last blog, I talked about how God provides for us, loves us and strengthens us through others. And, it is our greatest call to love one another. So, when someone opens up about their challenges, their pain, and their vulnerabilities, I am quite aware of that holy command. I am also aware of the fact that God connects us for a purpose. So, I do not take lightly someone’s willingness to let me in and share their story. It is definitely my privilege.
Within the last week, I was touched by a family who is earlier in the process of dealing with a child’s addiction. They are in such a place of fear and grief. That sense of being totally ill-equipped to handle this crisis coupled with the fear can lead you straight to a place that lacks hope. They are there. In this case, the mother is struggling and often is curled up in a ball both literally and figuratively. It is so much pain. I know that pain because I have been there. In fact, 9 Months ago today, I was sitting in my car at a softball field watching a wave of texts flooding my phone. I knew my son had relapsed and I had refused to send money. The disease was in control. And the disease is vicious especially when you threaten it. Believe me, the barrage of texts were vicious. I was panicked and I was hurt. I also knew that my bottom had come. I turned off the phone and went to watch my daughter’s last competitive softball game. I sat there trying to focus on my daughter with tears brimming as I realized the next steps that needed to occur.
The next week, I was curled up in a ball on my bed as I let my child move into his car, cold and hungry,and in withdrawals. Now, I am sure there are some of you who are thinking that you could never do that. I get that. The year before, I would have probably said the same thing. But, I had come to realize no matter how hard I tried to only give money for certain things, it was in the end enabling him to continue in the disease. I had a counselor tell me in a kind way that “I was loving my child to death”. I knew I could not be the one who gave him money meant for food that got used for drugs and ended in a fatal overdose. I had finally accepted at some level that he might very well succumb to this disease. I could not survive knowing that I gave him the money that he used for that last fix. And so, we cut him off financially but stayed in communication. And as I was curled up in a ball on my bed for that week, I was receiving period texts from my precious son begging me to let him come home. My heart and my spirit were broken but I stood firm. I still tear up when I think about that. I pray that we are spared another week like that. The good news is that it was the beginning of a serious recovery for my son. His community helped him work through the next steps. This is now his longest stretch of recovery and he is making great strides. Praise God! He would tell you that although it was the worst week of his life, it was actually the best!
As I think about how far we have both come since that time, it is astounding. He has been in school, working and about to hit a real hallmark of 9 months sober. He is working his program, serving as a sponsor and is focused on recovery. I have been involved in Alanon and started my running project and this blog. I am connected to this community of recovery. The bigger challenges, the emotional swings, I don’t feel every day. I don’t have a sense of panic every time the phone rings and I see my son’s name come up. He and I have a really strong relationship that involves mutual encouragement. It is very special. There are still painful thoughts that come from time to time but I have learned tools to help me move through that. I don’t live every day anymore with a sense of dread that comes from the weight of that pain.
We talked about this concept of pain in a meeting this week. The thought that resonated with me from that discussion is that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. As I think about how far I have come with the help of all the support that I have received, here are three things that I have really learned that allow me to have experienced the pain but not continue the suffering.
1.Moving my faith in God from “believing to trusting”- I have believed since I was a child but what I have realized is that I often do not trust God. Being able to place my child on the alter like Abraham did with Isaac has been a process. Abraham had complete trust in God’s plan and his love for Isaac. I am still not there fully. But, today I am much closer to recognizing that God loves my child more than I ever could and is in this battle with him. So, moving from belief to real trust is key! It’s like going from knowing it to owning it! Without that trust, you will suffer.
2.Giving myself permission to “shed the shame”- As much as I don’t won’t to admit it, I was ashamed of the fact that this happened in my family. I asked all the questions of myself like “Did you not teach your child enough about the dangers of drugs”. Or, “why didn’t you see the risks of pain medicines when he was in and out of the hospital for 5 months with lung issues?” Lastly, “what will people think of me as a parent or my son?” Believe me; you can really do a number on yourself with all these questions. They infer that you somehow caused it. I was suffering. I have finally come to understand that this is our story. I didn’t cause it and I can’t control or cure it. I can honor what God is doing in our lives, though. And if there are people who make judgments, so be it. We are all faced with different challenges and we learn and grow at different paces. But, to carry shame is not honoring to God or me and is self-inflicted suffering.
3.Seeking comfort through “God-sight in hindsight”- One of my causes of suffering has been my need to control and experiencing the reality that I actually cannot control it all. The more I have learned to accept that and turn it over, the more peace I can find. There were many days that I just prayed let me see your hand at work. Just show me you are there in this chaos. I have written a lot. One gift in that is being able to look back over time and see how God’s hand was in motion preparing for the next steps of this journey. God placed people in our lives at the perfect time. There were subtle provisions that over time built a stronger foundation. That ability to see God’s hand and comfort in hindsight leads me full circle back to trust. Being able to trust that God is working in everything allows me to acknowledge my pain but settle back into that comfort. Peace replaces suffering.
The other sweeping and fundamental wisdom that I have learned is that everyone has their own journey. Although, I have more wisdom and insight at this point doesn’t mean that I know the right next step for myself much less for another person. Each person dealing with addiction comes through that by wrestling with it themselves. I hope that the fact that I am living life despite having a child who is working through recovery without being weighed down by the suffering is hope and encouragement that you can move forward. I know that I could get a call tomorrow that he has relapsed. And, I would go back to that place of pain and suffer a bit. But, I now have knowledge and tools that I can choose to employ to mitigate that suffering. I can trust God that there is no shame and that he is active in my life and my son’s no matter how bleak. What a gift that is! For those that haven’t walked this path, I urge you to suspend judgment of another parent or spouse. They have to walk their own journey to get to a place of recovery. It is traumatic. And, unless you have been there, you cannot fully understand. We have to get to our bottom as well to propel us to seek our own recovery just like the addict. So, listen and love. Pray for God’s presence to be felt.
If you think about it this week, please send up a prayer for my son. He will hit his 9 month mark of sobriety. He has not hit that in the past 3 years since he went to rehab. It is a very difficult hurdle to make and many don’t. I pray for his strength. And, I celebrate what God has done and the courage I see in my son.
I leave you with my 3rd Step prayer:
Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love.
Today, I run with the knowledge that pain is evitable; Thank God,suffering is not!
Within the last week, I was touched by a family who is earlier in the process of dealing with a child’s addiction. They are in such a place of fear and grief. That sense of being totally ill-equipped to handle this crisis coupled with the fear can lead you straight to a place that lacks hope. They are there. In this case, the mother is struggling and often is curled up in a ball both literally and figuratively. It is so much pain. I know that pain because I have been there. In fact, 9 Months ago today, I was sitting in my car at a softball field watching a wave of texts flooding my phone. I knew my son had relapsed and I had refused to send money. The disease was in control. And the disease is vicious especially when you threaten it. Believe me, the barrage of texts were vicious. I was panicked and I was hurt. I also knew that my bottom had come. I turned off the phone and went to watch my daughter’s last competitive softball game. I sat there trying to focus on my daughter with tears brimming as I realized the next steps that needed to occur.
The next week, I was curled up in a ball on my bed as I let my child move into his car, cold and hungry,and in withdrawals. Now, I am sure there are some of you who are thinking that you could never do that. I get that. The year before, I would have probably said the same thing. But, I had come to realize no matter how hard I tried to only give money for certain things, it was in the end enabling him to continue in the disease. I had a counselor tell me in a kind way that “I was loving my child to death”. I knew I could not be the one who gave him money meant for food that got used for drugs and ended in a fatal overdose. I had finally accepted at some level that he might very well succumb to this disease. I could not survive knowing that I gave him the money that he used for that last fix. And so, we cut him off financially but stayed in communication. And as I was curled up in a ball on my bed for that week, I was receiving period texts from my precious son begging me to let him come home. My heart and my spirit were broken but I stood firm. I still tear up when I think about that. I pray that we are spared another week like that. The good news is that it was the beginning of a serious recovery for my son. His community helped him work through the next steps. This is now his longest stretch of recovery and he is making great strides. Praise God! He would tell you that although it was the worst week of his life, it was actually the best!
As I think about how far we have both come since that time, it is astounding. He has been in school, working and about to hit a real hallmark of 9 months sober. He is working his program, serving as a sponsor and is focused on recovery. I have been involved in Alanon and started my running project and this blog. I am connected to this community of recovery. The bigger challenges, the emotional swings, I don’t feel every day. I don’t have a sense of panic every time the phone rings and I see my son’s name come up. He and I have a really strong relationship that involves mutual encouragement. It is very special. There are still painful thoughts that come from time to time but I have learned tools to help me move through that. I don’t live every day anymore with a sense of dread that comes from the weight of that pain.
We talked about this concept of pain in a meeting this week. The thought that resonated with me from that discussion is that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. As I think about how far I have come with the help of all the support that I have received, here are three things that I have really learned that allow me to have experienced the pain but not continue the suffering.
1.Moving my faith in God from “believing to trusting”- I have believed since I was a child but what I have realized is that I often do not trust God. Being able to place my child on the alter like Abraham did with Isaac has been a process. Abraham had complete trust in God’s plan and his love for Isaac. I am still not there fully. But, today I am much closer to recognizing that God loves my child more than I ever could and is in this battle with him. So, moving from belief to real trust is key! It’s like going from knowing it to owning it! Without that trust, you will suffer.
2.Giving myself permission to “shed the shame”- As much as I don’t won’t to admit it, I was ashamed of the fact that this happened in my family. I asked all the questions of myself like “Did you not teach your child enough about the dangers of drugs”. Or, “why didn’t you see the risks of pain medicines when he was in and out of the hospital for 5 months with lung issues?” Lastly, “what will people think of me as a parent or my son?” Believe me; you can really do a number on yourself with all these questions. They infer that you somehow caused it. I was suffering. I have finally come to understand that this is our story. I didn’t cause it and I can’t control or cure it. I can honor what God is doing in our lives, though. And if there are people who make judgments, so be it. We are all faced with different challenges and we learn and grow at different paces. But, to carry shame is not honoring to God or me and is self-inflicted suffering.
3.Seeking comfort through “God-sight in hindsight”- One of my causes of suffering has been my need to control and experiencing the reality that I actually cannot control it all. The more I have learned to accept that and turn it over, the more peace I can find. There were many days that I just prayed let me see your hand at work. Just show me you are there in this chaos. I have written a lot. One gift in that is being able to look back over time and see how God’s hand was in motion preparing for the next steps of this journey. God placed people in our lives at the perfect time. There were subtle provisions that over time built a stronger foundation. That ability to see God’s hand and comfort in hindsight leads me full circle back to trust. Being able to trust that God is working in everything allows me to acknowledge my pain but settle back into that comfort. Peace replaces suffering.
The other sweeping and fundamental wisdom that I have learned is that everyone has their own journey. Although, I have more wisdom and insight at this point doesn’t mean that I know the right next step for myself much less for another person. Each person dealing with addiction comes through that by wrestling with it themselves. I hope that the fact that I am living life despite having a child who is working through recovery without being weighed down by the suffering is hope and encouragement that you can move forward. I know that I could get a call tomorrow that he has relapsed. And, I would go back to that place of pain and suffer a bit. But, I now have knowledge and tools that I can choose to employ to mitigate that suffering. I can trust God that there is no shame and that he is active in my life and my son’s no matter how bleak. What a gift that is! For those that haven’t walked this path, I urge you to suspend judgment of another parent or spouse. They have to walk their own journey to get to a place of recovery. It is traumatic. And, unless you have been there, you cannot fully understand. We have to get to our bottom as well to propel us to seek our own recovery just like the addict. So, listen and love. Pray for God’s presence to be felt.
If you think about it this week, please send up a prayer for my son. He will hit his 9 month mark of sobriety. He has not hit that in the past 3 years since he went to rehab. It is a very difficult hurdle to make and many don’t. I pray for his strength. And, I celebrate what God has done and the courage I see in my son.
I leave you with my 3rd Step prayer:
Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love.
Today, I run with the knowledge that pain is evitable; Thank God,suffering is not!
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Hope found in a commitment to love one another!
I had the privilege of going to the place where I grew up and attend the wedding of the daughter of some of my closest friends. It was a beautiful and celebratory event. Weddings are always special, hopeful times. For me, this one was especially meaningful. Maybe it was because it was the first wedding of a child of one of my closest friends. Perhaps it was because I was surrounded by some of my oldest friends and many others who were a part of the fabric of my “growing up” years. Or, maybe it was the faces of the bride and groom who clearly adored each other or the faces of the parents who beamed with pride and joy for these precious young adults. I am sure it was in part all of that. But, I think a big part of what impacted my heart was the hopefulness that came from their commitment of love for one another in such a public way. A commitment that then changes your life from that day forward.
During the wedding, they used a beautiful set of verses from the book of Colossians. I am paraphrasing but the verses remind us that we are chosen by God for this life. Therefore, we are called to be compassionate, kind, humble, even-tempered, quick to forgive, to demonstrate a quiet strength and discipline and wrap it all in love. There we all were witnessing these two young, precious people make this commitment to one another. They promised to love one another, forgive one another, and support one another in the good times and the bad times. And we cheered them on quietly in our hearts and through prayers. And then, we cheered loudly through clapping as they were presented for the first time as husband and wife. We celebrated as a community of people who love this couple and this family. We committed to support their vows to this union. And yes, today is a new day in their lives and the lives of their families- a day with the reality that a new chapter has begun.
As I sit on the plane headed home, I am reflecting on this weekend. The minister reminded us that a marriage is a symbol of Christ’s relationship with the Church. We are meant to express love and commitment regardless of circumstances, the good and the bad times, in wealth and poverty, and in sickness and in health. It is a relationship intended to endure through love and in support of the challenges that life inevitably brings. The wedding is an overt expression of this commitment both for the husband and wife but also a community who is called to love and support this couple.
I began to think of my larger community. Not only had I gotten to be a part of this special occasion but I was able to spend time with some of my oldest friends- those I grew up from elementary school through high school, those who were so special to me in my college years, and others who enriched my life at different times throughout all of those years. They were a group of people for whom God chose to go on their own life journeys as well as be a part of mine. I am struck by all that is happening in their lives, the beginning and endings. In the swirl of this life, the good and the bad are all present. There are weddings and divorces, addiction and recovery, illness and healing, clarity and confusion, times of stress and times of rest. There are newly emptied “nests” that bring sadness and also new opportunities. There is loneliness and joy. There is grief and peace. I see it all and feel it all. It is present in my life, too.
There are people in my life who are waking up today with tremendous burdens. We live in a world with great challenges. It can be so hard at times. And often, people suffer their burdens in silence. I know from experience, when we choose to suffer in silence, we give so much power to the burden. Putting a voice to the pain frees us up to share the burden with God and with those in our lives who are there to support us- our community. In this wedding, we were asked to formally acknowledge that we would support this couple in their relationships in any way that we could through prayer, words, and deeds. There is a purpose in this commitment that we live in relationship. God provides for us through others. He strengthens us through others. He loves us through others. And it is our greatest call to love one another.
So if a marriage is a symbol of the relationship of Christ’s love for his church, the community called to love a newly married couple is also a symbol of Christ’s love for his children. We are not meant to survive this earth on our own. We are called to be in relationship and to provide that support. What if we used a version of vows or personal commitment to drive our interactions differently with not only our spouses but those people whom God has placed in our lives or will place in our path today? What if we prayed today to reflect those attributes like forgiveness, compassion, and love? What if we put voice to our pain and reached out for the power found in a loving, supportive relationship? What if we acknowledged with great humility that our lives are not perfect and we aren’t sure how to take the next step forward? What if we opened our hearts to someone else’s struggles and demonstrated love without expectation? Finally, what if we looked for something to be grateful for even in the midst of the storm?
What would the possibilities be? Well, maybe a glimmer of hope would shine through… That same hope we see as a newly married couple walks down the aisle headed to a new phase of life. Maybe, the weight of our sorrow and burdens would lesson when we give voice to it rather than try to hide it. Maybe, if we learned to give and receive love in its many forms, we would experience God’s presence, His Peace, and His Hope.
I am a bit overwhelmed today about just how blessed I have been. Yes, I have had some difficult seasons of my journey. But, I have been surrounded by people all my life who love me and who I love right back. They are my community. There have been times when I hid my burdens, though. I suffered in silence. As I look back, those are some of my darkest days. In the recent past, I am trying to take the power from my burdens by putting that voice to the sorrow or fear. My community has been there cheering me on and encouraging me in those new steps forward much like we cheered the bride and groom as they stepped forward. My desire is to provide insight into my challenges and healing through this blog in order to transform the power of addiction into the power of healing. Hopefully it provides some form of support for others dealing with similar struggles. It is certainly healing me.
Just like in wedding vows, we are called to live out our lives with love, compassion, forgiveness regardless of our circumstances. For the loved one of a person who suffers from addiction, our lives cannot be contingent on our loved one’s sobriety. God wants a life for us that is more than a reaction to life circumstances but is rooted in the peace of a much stronger foundation, a truth to hang on to. He has the gift of Peace that is not reliant on our circumstances. It is not easy to live our lives focused on the greater truth rather than the circumstances that surround us. But one thing that I have learned is that there is no peace without it. And, it must be done in loving relationship with God and through love poured out through one another.
So, if anyone is willing to join me, I intend to write a set of vows or really a commitment to how I will live each day. I will answer those questions above. I will put a voice to the burden. And, I will write those vows with an intention to commit myself to that life each day. I want the joy of walking down the aisle into the rest of my life lived out one day at a time. If you are willing to do the same, I encourage you to share that with God and someone in your life- your support, your community. Put a voice to your burden, reach out for support, commit to loving others, and commit to loving yourself. If for some reason, you cannot take that step to reach out to your closest community, there are professionals and support groups with whom you can share your burden. For that matter, contact me. Just reach out to someone. Don’t suffer in silence. Let someone pray for you, clap for you and encourage you as you head down your aisle into your next step in life. There will be a time that you can clap and encourage someone else. And yes, today can be a new day in your life or in the lives your family and friends- a day with a hope and a reality that a new chapter has begun.
Love and congratulations to my sweet friends as their family expands into this new beginning. You know how important you are to me!
Today, I run with hope and a great love for my friends, my community!
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