For those of you who may not have followed blog, the very first entry addressed the purpose of this blog. It starts with a commitment to run a 1000 miles during a 12 month period in honor of the journey of battling my son’s addiction. My son battles each day to maintain his sobriety. My journey is about learning to detach with love, to feel compassion but not enable, and to shift my need to control his life to reliance on God to walk that path with him just as I know he walks with me. Believe me not one of those is easy for a mother. My battle at some point every day is to redirect my fears about his life to the focus on what God is doing in my life and faith that He is working in the life of my son. It takes practice. It takes grasping for the bigger picture- God’s plan. It takes courage to step through fear to a place of faith and reliance. And, it takes courage to run the race set before us.
I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine this week who completed the Boston Marathon on Monday. We talked about all the training and preparation it took. It was grueling. This was his first marathon and he worked diligently to prepare so that he could qualify and finish this race. The race was hard. The beginning apparently goes downhill which you would think would be easy but you have to pace yourself even if it would be easier to go at top speed- Easier initially but not smart if you want to finish the race. He finished at a decent time but the end was very difficult for him. He was dehydrated, hot, sore, and barely able to get beyond the finish line to the place where he signed his paperwork and picked up his bag.
He also told me that he was about halfway through when he realized his focus was managing his race time. Instead, he needed to take it all in- the people, the cheers, the runners, and the support that was everywhere. The reality was that he was there for a more important reason. He was running in honor of his brother, sister-in-law and her sister who were all injured when the first bomb went off last year on Boylston Street. He was running with a much higher calling than just meeting his goal times. His whole family had returned including the three that were injured. His injured family members have spent the last year on a journey of recovery and their race is not yet finished. This act of courage was about facing their fears. There was more to the story than the bombers ever intended. They wanted to silence. But, this is not to be the case. This country, this city, and these runners were not to be silenced and defined by this act of evil. They faced their fears as a family by going back to the place where there was so much harm and moved forward by living life in that moment.
It takes courage to face your fears. Maybe your fears are tied to the past or being afraid of being “found out”. But God is willing to take the harms, the regret, the guilt and replace it with grace and love. In 2 Corinthians, we are told that God’s grace is sufficient for us and his power is perfected in our weakness. I have to remind myself of this constantly that God works miracles out of disasters. He loves my son and saved him by grace on this earth and forevermore. He loves all his children and sheds grace on us all each and every day. So, through faith in God’s Grace, we can be courageous!
It takes courage to face your enemies. Enemies can be harmful in very different ways. They can treat you with cruelty and disrespect. Sometimes, it’s more subtle than that but regardless of the degree, it can silence us or we lose focus on the truth of who we are. The enemy may not be a person but a disease like addiction that wants to steal your life. In Genesis, when Joseph saw his brothers again after they had sold him into slavery, he told them, “Do not be afraid. You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…” I know that God works through the pain to bring about a bigger story. And anything is possible with God… Through faith in God’s Plan, we can be courageous!
Lastly, it takes courage to face your circumstances. There are times when life is upside down. If you focus on the circumstance, you will stay in a place of fear. You have to refocus and know that God is in all and right by your side. The hardest week of my life was letting my son live in the car when his addiction had taken control the last time. It was gut-wrenching. I remember lying on the floor, sobbing, and asking God to be with my son and to give me some peace. He was with my son every step of the way. It was the beginning of this recovery. In Deuteronomy, the Lord tells Joshua to be strong and courageous….for the Lord goes with you and will be with you, he will never leave you or forsake you.” Through faith in God’s Presence, we can be courageous!
This week has been full of examples of stepping forth courageously. From my friend and the many runners and victims who came back to Boston, to another friend that shared his story of addiction with the men of his church, and even to my need to speak the truth to someone I love dearly, I know God is in it all. There is grace available this moment and every one going forward. God’s plan can take the enemy's plan and turn it for good. We just celebrated his death and resurrection. There is no better assurance than that. And lastly, he walks with us every day through the Holy Spirit. We never have to face our circumstances alone. Through faith, WE CAN BE COURAGEOUS!
So today, in honor of my son and those fighting addiction, those who ran or went back to Boston, and those of you who are fighting some other battle, I run in honor of your courage!
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Shame, no more!
One of the primary reasons that I have engaged in this blog is tell our story so that others are more comfortable to share their stories. I have found that my transparency leads to others being transparent right back. Perhaps in that sharing, there is less loneliness and more support. And, God’s love is more apparent. During the past few weeks, I have heard from friends and strangers telling their stories. One thing I have noted is that there is so much shame on to which people hold. The topics have ranged from insecurities to very deep topics like suicide, abuse, and addiction.
It is very easy for me to connect to the pain that comes from feeling shame. I really struggled with shame growing up. For some reason, I felt unlovable as a young child and really long into adulthood. Somehow never enough- not cute enough, not good enough, not smart enough… I kept an internal list for years of things I did or didn’t do, or ways I was treated that reinforced the feelings of not being enough. I was never told that early in life. In fact, I was very much told the opposite at home. For some reason, I just felt it at my core. I didn’t really know the truth of being a child of God. On the outside, I worked very hard to hide my shame. I had a lot of friends, made good grades, and was always busy. But in the quiet of the car, is when the tears of the “soul hurt”, the “not enough” crept out. It wasn’t just that I made mistakes. It was that I WAS a mistake. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is tied to an action versus being tied to an ache of being wrong at the core. Believe me, that is a terrible way to live…
So, this concept of shame has been on my mind all week. I almost postponed my blog waiting to write it after Easter Sunday. But then, what better day to write about shame or rather the antidote to shame! Shame assumes that there is something wrong with us. As I mentioned earlier- a “not enough” feeling. It focuses us on what we cannot do or be rather than we were created to do. It certainly doesn’t focus on the gift we received at Easter all those years ago. It is deceiving rather than truthful.
That deceit often causes us to want to hide either by withdrawing from those around or creating a façade. Either approach causes a barrier to relationship. And, any time that there is a barrier to relationship, the breadth of joy in this world is limited if our connection to others is limited.
Lastly, the other reaction to the deceit of shame is to search for behaviors which minimize the pain that comes from the hole in our soul. Sometimes, that is in negative behaviors like drinking or taking drugs or searching for love to fill that hole. It can be in ways that the world may see as more positive like extreme focus on body image, work, school, or a myriad of other behaviors, hobbies, or community activities. But, I suspect, just as my tears came when I was in the quiet of a car, those driven by shame are well aware of the pain when they find themselves alone.
My son said earlier this week that Shame ties us to our past. I believe it can certainly steal your future if you allow it. But, there is a hope when we focus on the Truth. We were created to be in relationship. God already knows our deepest secrets and loves us regardless. He is Love! We were created uniquely by God to fulfill a purpose on this earth. When we feel we are “not enough”, He is Enough! Lastly, the pain that comes from the longing in our soul is only fully satisfied in Him. He is our Completion!
Today on this Resurrection Sunday, IT IS FINISHED! As the supreme act of sacrificial love, our Christ took on our sin and shame. He died a painful death but then arose victorious over that death. Hallelujah! He was Love! The Cross was Enough! The Resurrection was Completion in its fullest sense! So, when we carry shame, we don’t acknowledge all that Christ is and what he has done on our behalf. There are people in my life and I’m sure yours who struggle with shame. I still struggle with it from time to time. For those that have addiction in their lives, this is a real emotional challenge.
My son and I were discussing that several people in his community had relapsed over the last several weeks. He said very matter of factly that addicts relapse and the community was there to support them. And then, he thoughtfully said that addiction is the only mental health issue that people yell at you when the compulsions of your mental health challenge takes over. It struck my heart how easy it is to react to the addict’s behaviors in a way that assumes that the core is bad. “My son should see how much he hurts us”. “Her husband is such a weak man that he can't say no to that drink.” “Her mother must not be a very caring person or she wouldn’t behave this way.” There are consequences to the behaviors of the addict. The disease is wretched and does mask the person underneath. But that person underneath is still perfectly created by God. God loves the addict just like he loved us and took on all our sin and shame at the cross. He is enough to deal with anything including addiction. And, our forgiveness is complete in his resurrection. Thank goodness for that as we all need forgiveness!
So today, if you are struggling with shame, run to the cross and-
Know that God loves you and wants you to be free of that shame. Lay it at the foot of the cross. His sacrifice is enough. Your forgiveness is complete through His victory. And you can be victorious over anything when you are complete in Him.
It is finished. Light has won. Truth conquers deceit. Through Christ- You are redeemed! Shame, no more…
Thank God, Sunday came! Happy Easter!
Sallie
It is very easy for me to connect to the pain that comes from feeling shame. I really struggled with shame growing up. For some reason, I felt unlovable as a young child and really long into adulthood. Somehow never enough- not cute enough, not good enough, not smart enough… I kept an internal list for years of things I did or didn’t do, or ways I was treated that reinforced the feelings of not being enough. I was never told that early in life. In fact, I was very much told the opposite at home. For some reason, I just felt it at my core. I didn’t really know the truth of being a child of God. On the outside, I worked very hard to hide my shame. I had a lot of friends, made good grades, and was always busy. But in the quiet of the car, is when the tears of the “soul hurt”, the “not enough” crept out. It wasn’t just that I made mistakes. It was that I WAS a mistake. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is tied to an action versus being tied to an ache of being wrong at the core. Believe me, that is a terrible way to live…
So, this concept of shame has been on my mind all week. I almost postponed my blog waiting to write it after Easter Sunday. But then, what better day to write about shame or rather the antidote to shame! Shame assumes that there is something wrong with us. As I mentioned earlier- a “not enough” feeling. It focuses us on what we cannot do or be rather than we were created to do. It certainly doesn’t focus on the gift we received at Easter all those years ago. It is deceiving rather than truthful.
That deceit often causes us to want to hide either by withdrawing from those around or creating a façade. Either approach causes a barrier to relationship. And, any time that there is a barrier to relationship, the breadth of joy in this world is limited if our connection to others is limited.
Lastly, the other reaction to the deceit of shame is to search for behaviors which minimize the pain that comes from the hole in our soul. Sometimes, that is in negative behaviors like drinking or taking drugs or searching for love to fill that hole. It can be in ways that the world may see as more positive like extreme focus on body image, work, school, or a myriad of other behaviors, hobbies, or community activities. But, I suspect, just as my tears came when I was in the quiet of a car, those driven by shame are well aware of the pain when they find themselves alone.
My son said earlier this week that Shame ties us to our past. I believe it can certainly steal your future if you allow it. But, there is a hope when we focus on the Truth. We were created to be in relationship. God already knows our deepest secrets and loves us regardless. He is Love! We were created uniquely by God to fulfill a purpose on this earth. When we feel we are “not enough”, He is Enough! Lastly, the pain that comes from the longing in our soul is only fully satisfied in Him. He is our Completion!
Today on this Resurrection Sunday, IT IS FINISHED! As the supreme act of sacrificial love, our Christ took on our sin and shame. He died a painful death but then arose victorious over that death. Hallelujah! He was Love! The Cross was Enough! The Resurrection was Completion in its fullest sense! So, when we carry shame, we don’t acknowledge all that Christ is and what he has done on our behalf. There are people in my life and I’m sure yours who struggle with shame. I still struggle with it from time to time. For those that have addiction in their lives, this is a real emotional challenge.
My son and I were discussing that several people in his community had relapsed over the last several weeks. He said very matter of factly that addicts relapse and the community was there to support them. And then, he thoughtfully said that addiction is the only mental health issue that people yell at you when the compulsions of your mental health challenge takes over. It struck my heart how easy it is to react to the addict’s behaviors in a way that assumes that the core is bad. “My son should see how much he hurts us”. “Her husband is such a weak man that he can't say no to that drink.” “Her mother must not be a very caring person or she wouldn’t behave this way.” There are consequences to the behaviors of the addict. The disease is wretched and does mask the person underneath. But that person underneath is still perfectly created by God. God loves the addict just like he loved us and took on all our sin and shame at the cross. He is enough to deal with anything including addiction. And, our forgiveness is complete in his resurrection. Thank goodness for that as we all need forgiveness!
So today, if you are struggling with shame, run to the cross and-
Know that God loves you and wants you to be free of that shame. Lay it at the foot of the cross. His sacrifice is enough. Your forgiveness is complete through His victory. And you can be victorious over anything when you are complete in Him.
It is finished. Light has won. Truth conquers deceit. Through Christ- You are redeemed! Shame, no more…
Thank God, Sunday came! Happy Easter!
Sallie
Friday, April 11, 2014
Change is a coming...
I am sitting on a plane for the next five hours as I head back to North Carolina from a week of meetings in San Francisco. I figured it was the most peaceful time I will have for the next week so I should write my blog early this week. You see tomorrow morning, we leave for a week at the beach with a bunch of teenagers- 11 to be exact and 2 ten year olds. The three Moms wanted to provide a safe but fun week especially for the 5 senior boys. We are all looking forward to our time together this week. At least 3 of the boys have spent spring break together several times over the past years along with several of the other 6 teenagers. So, it will be bittersweet. One more time to enjoy seeing the boys together and listening to their laughter before they all head off in different directions this fall. Change is coming…
I have been in San Francisco for a two day conference and another day of meetings. During that time, I was actually in two different sessions on “Managing Change”. I have been in plenty of sessions before on managing change. The content is always a good reminder but never really full of new or particularly novel ideas. This time there were some thoughts that struck a chord with me. Perhaps, the past few years of crisis and change and looking ahead to the next two years of change as my last two babies graduate, my heart was more open to the concepts. The first concept that struck me was resiliency and what characteristics are key to managing change with resiliency.
So, I began to think about this less from managing change in the workplace and more about managing change personally. If I look back to how I handled our family crisis, I would describe with the following adjectives- desperation, sadness, and guilt. Those emotions were because I could only see the loss or potential for more loss in my son’s life. My motivator was control. I needed to move in, make things better, and get my son’s life “back on track”. My focus became myopic. It was all about “fixing” my son. Lastly, I fought feeling like a victim. But, there were certainly moments where I lived as victim. How could this be happening to me and my child…? Now, I have gone through other times of change or crisis before my son’s addiction. And, my process looked very similar. Those looking on from the outside would have described me as strong and resilient. But I would say knowing it from the inside, I felt weak and afraid.
The facilitators in our training broke down supporting attributes for resiliency into 5 characteristics. I began to think through each of the five and what that means to me personally.
Positivity: I want to be seen as a “glass half-full” person. For me, this has to be rooted in a belief that God is working in and through me and my circumstances for the greater good. If you look, even in the midst of change or crisis, you will see gifts for which to be grateful. It means not seeing me as a victim but knowing by faith that it is a part of much bigger story with a meaningful outcome.
Proactive: Reach out for resources. There is knowledge and expertise with whatever issue you are dealing with available. Certainly, in the area of addiction there is a lot you can read and support groups like Alanon and Celebrate Recovery that will help you as you begin to incorporate change. It means stepping out in faith that God will provide what you need when you need it.
Focused: When the change is focused on your loved ones especially your child, it is easy to have a singular focus on that individual. I know I failed to take care of myself at times. You cannot be the best support to others when you jeopardize your own health, emotional and spiritual well-being. So, honor your faith and belief that you are, too, a beloved child of God and include a focus on your well-being as well as your loved one.
Organized: When things are in flux around you and it all feels foreign, incorporate into your day time to pray and plan. It is easy to get overwhelmed if you look too far ahead. But, if you can maintain some existing routines and add new ones that will help manage in smaller increments, you will be able to better organize your time in a way that supports you and everyone around you. Pray with faith that you will be given the wisdom to make decisions, the strength to act, and that your needs and those of your loved one will be provided.
Flexible: For me, flexibility means letting go of my need to control the outcome. I also cannot control the choices and actions of others. More importantly, I cannot control God. His ways are not our ways. I often act as though I know best. I certainly do not! With God, all things are possible. With me, they are very limited… In the end, being flexible for me means claim by faith that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving AND IS IN CONTROL.
So, if you go back to my earlier description of the ways I have handled change or crisis- desperation, sadness, guilt, control, myopic focus, and victimization, you do not hear or see faith in that, do you? I certainly was not knowing by faith the truths of HIS Power, stepping out based on the truths of HIS Power, honoring by faith HIS Power, Praying with faith in his Power, or claiming by faith the Power of all the HE is! There always came a time when out of the pain and frustration of my circumstance, I realized that I was not living in the trust and reliance of HIS power. Out of the realization, I choose to trust and rely and my faith has been building…
There was a quote provided in our training as well that really rang true by an unknown author. “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, we are propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” It reminded me of a verse in II Corinthians that says “His Power is made perfect in our weakness.” If I look back over time, it is in times of change or turmoil, that my faith has been built and that my life has been transformed. Hanging on to this truth can provide comfort when your child is going through their own crisis. God shows us his finest in those moments when we are at our weakest if we open our eyes and hearts in faith!! Even when you know this, it sure is hard to watch your kids suffer challenges and obstacles. We do everything possible to prevent that from happening. Perhaps, we all need to look at times when we block God (or at least we try to) and trust that God is about transforming. Even at the hardest of times, speak these words of truth. You may not feel it but you will be stepping out in faith and that faith, God always honors!
So, looking forward to our vacation and hopefully a little sun and warmth… We will celebrate my son’s 18th birthday while we are there! Much love to my precious son! Change is definitely coming…
Tough week on the mileage in San Francisco but really looking forward to walking those beaches…
I have been in San Francisco for a two day conference and another day of meetings. During that time, I was actually in two different sessions on “Managing Change”. I have been in plenty of sessions before on managing change. The content is always a good reminder but never really full of new or particularly novel ideas. This time there were some thoughts that struck a chord with me. Perhaps, the past few years of crisis and change and looking ahead to the next two years of change as my last two babies graduate, my heart was more open to the concepts. The first concept that struck me was resiliency and what characteristics are key to managing change with resiliency.
So, I began to think about this less from managing change in the workplace and more about managing change personally. If I look back to how I handled our family crisis, I would describe with the following adjectives- desperation, sadness, and guilt. Those emotions were because I could only see the loss or potential for more loss in my son’s life. My motivator was control. I needed to move in, make things better, and get my son’s life “back on track”. My focus became myopic. It was all about “fixing” my son. Lastly, I fought feeling like a victim. But, there were certainly moments where I lived as victim. How could this be happening to me and my child…? Now, I have gone through other times of change or crisis before my son’s addiction. And, my process looked very similar. Those looking on from the outside would have described me as strong and resilient. But I would say knowing it from the inside, I felt weak and afraid.
The facilitators in our training broke down supporting attributes for resiliency into 5 characteristics. I began to think through each of the five and what that means to me personally.
Positivity: I want to be seen as a “glass half-full” person. For me, this has to be rooted in a belief that God is working in and through me and my circumstances for the greater good. If you look, even in the midst of change or crisis, you will see gifts for which to be grateful. It means not seeing me as a victim but knowing by faith that it is a part of much bigger story with a meaningful outcome.
Proactive: Reach out for resources. There is knowledge and expertise with whatever issue you are dealing with available. Certainly, in the area of addiction there is a lot you can read and support groups like Alanon and Celebrate Recovery that will help you as you begin to incorporate change. It means stepping out in faith that God will provide what you need when you need it.
Focused: When the change is focused on your loved ones especially your child, it is easy to have a singular focus on that individual. I know I failed to take care of myself at times. You cannot be the best support to others when you jeopardize your own health, emotional and spiritual well-being. So, honor your faith and belief that you are, too, a beloved child of God and include a focus on your well-being as well as your loved one.
Organized: When things are in flux around you and it all feels foreign, incorporate into your day time to pray and plan. It is easy to get overwhelmed if you look too far ahead. But, if you can maintain some existing routines and add new ones that will help manage in smaller increments, you will be able to better organize your time in a way that supports you and everyone around you. Pray with faith that you will be given the wisdom to make decisions, the strength to act, and that your needs and those of your loved one will be provided.
Flexible: For me, flexibility means letting go of my need to control the outcome. I also cannot control the choices and actions of others. More importantly, I cannot control God. His ways are not our ways. I often act as though I know best. I certainly do not! With God, all things are possible. With me, they are very limited… In the end, being flexible for me means claim by faith that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving AND IS IN CONTROL.
So, if you go back to my earlier description of the ways I have handled change or crisis- desperation, sadness, guilt, control, myopic focus, and victimization, you do not hear or see faith in that, do you? I certainly was not knowing by faith the truths of HIS Power, stepping out based on the truths of HIS Power, honoring by faith HIS Power, Praying with faith in his Power, or claiming by faith the Power of all the HE is! There always came a time when out of the pain and frustration of my circumstance, I realized that I was not living in the trust and reliance of HIS power. Out of the realization, I choose to trust and rely and my faith has been building…
There was a quote provided in our training as well that really rang true by an unknown author. “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, we are propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” It reminded me of a verse in II Corinthians that says “His Power is made perfect in our weakness.” If I look back over time, it is in times of change or turmoil, that my faith has been built and that my life has been transformed. Hanging on to this truth can provide comfort when your child is going through their own crisis. God shows us his finest in those moments when we are at our weakest if we open our eyes and hearts in faith!! Even when you know this, it sure is hard to watch your kids suffer challenges and obstacles. We do everything possible to prevent that from happening. Perhaps, we all need to look at times when we block God (or at least we try to) and trust that God is about transforming. Even at the hardest of times, speak these words of truth. You may not feel it but you will be stepping out in faith and that faith, God always honors!
So, looking forward to our vacation and hopefully a little sun and warmth… We will celebrate my son’s 18th birthday while we are there! Much love to my precious son! Change is definitely coming…
Tough week on the mileage in San Francisco but really looking forward to walking those beaches…
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Accept what???
Well, let’s just say today is the morning after…PROM. I am so relieved that we can put this behind us for one more year. It’s been an interesting week. Prom stress starts earlier in the year when the date requests start and the dress shopping begins. There is a little reprieve until about the week or so before, when the kids try to finalize the plans, the requests for money begin again, and the discussion of after-prom activities starts. I’ll just fess up right now that I have been known to be called the “meanest mother in the world”. Usually that is in response to saying “No” to something or asking for a phone number so that I can follow-up with a parent. This time I was “the only parent who cared about where their kids were going afterwards”. Now, I will say I do believe there may be mythical parents that actually trust their kids and everyone they are with fully. Or, perhaps there are parents that are so weary with the debate that they are just worn down. At some level, I can identify with the feeling. And, there are some parents who actually determine their approach solely based on the premise that “kids will be kids”, just accept it and move on… I had someone say that to me.
Well, I do accept that teenagers are struggling to understand their own identify and value, don’t always make the best decisions, are really bad at predicting the consequences of their choices, and are often more interested in trying out what their peers are doing rather than what the parents have taught them. So, if that’s acceptance so be it. However, I can acknowledge or accept that they are inclined that way but it doesn’t mean I have no choice or influence as a parent. So, after a million calls and texts between parents over the past three days, some plans were not allowed, new plans got made and the night was successfully survived. And, lo and behold, there are other “really mean parents” who actually do care what their children are doing afterwards just like me. And, modern miracles do occur. There is still fun to be had in the moment even with a few boundaries are in place. Who can believe that! (at least under the age of 40!!)
Now, with everyday life issues with your kids, you can accept certain truths like how a teenage mind operates and still exert some control and limits to teach and protect them. But of course, unless you are going to micro-chip them, escort them everywhere, or lock them in the basement, there is always an opportunity that they will make a bad choice. You can certainly limit it and create consequences that help influence the behavior. They do get at some level the value of not losing their phone or the keys. And, when your kids are sick, you can exert control by taking them to the doctor, getting the medicine and having them take that at the prescribed intervals and most of the time they get better. As a parent, you accept the reality of the disease and make choices to protect your child. If they are feeling bad, they usually do what is asked of them in an effort to feel better.
The concept of Acceptance, however, takes on a different level of importance when you are dealing with addiction. This disease is complicated and involves the mind, spirit and body. You might be able to exert control and create limits like have a child or loved one committed to a treatment facility that helps drive sobriety for a time and provides the body a break. But, the work that has to been done spiritually and mentally can be only done by the addict. When we first realized that our son was dealing with addiction, we did get him into treatment right away. I had no idea about the complexity of this disease. All my children had previous significant health issues and I attacked this one the same way. I did exactly what the professionals said to do. Yes, treatment gave his body a break. He began to look and feel better. His personality returned. His ability to show love and respect returned. And, I thought we had experienced a momentary bump in the road and we could just move on…
Well, three relapses later, I finally began to realize that my son was in a battle for his life that I could never understand or really wage war on his behalf. He had a battle to wage on all 3 fronts- spiritual, mental, and physical. I had to accept this disease in order to learn how to love, support, and have compassion for my child going forward. I had to accept that my son’s life was taking a different path than I had planned. That required grieving the future I held for him. It is also required acknowledging that the future that I had for him was not the future in God’s sovereign plan. And, that required me to trust God. The only way that my son could wage that war is if he ended up at the very same place. Acceptance of his disease, his future, and that God was trustworthy, forgiving, and more powerful than the addiction.
Acceptance means behaving differently. It means understanding that addicts think differently. It means giving up your image of who you want your child to be and really try to see the child you have. And, it means giving up all the old ways of nurture and protection. There comes a time when you can’t provide money or even shelter because you are providing for the disease, not your child. You realize that even out of love you are actually harming rather than helping. It took me a very long time to accept that!
I recently received a copy of a letter from an addict to a parent. There is so much in this letter that would touch you but this quote from the letter gets at the need to rethink protection for your addict. “When I was young, I used to think there was a monster in my closet, so you would run into my room and reassure me that there was no monster by opening the closet. But, since I’ve found drugs, I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster. It’s not inside my closet; it’s inside of me. And if I can’t learn to deal with it, it will ultimately destroy me. See…now that I’m older, it’s not your job to protect me from monsters anymore.”
To accept that I can’t protect my son from his monsters is hard and painful and yet the addict needs to hit the bottom and fight his own monsters. If we as parents keep that from happening, we help to prolong the disease. The rawest conversation I ever had with my son was last fall sitting in the parking lot of a softball field. The disease was clearly in control as he yelled and cursed at me. And Yes, "I was a mean,cold-hearted mother". I told him that I would not send any more money. I could not live with myself if he overdosed on the money I sent him for food. He was going to the bottom and it was painful for both of us. Those new boundaries I put in place were hard. Today, I got the sweetest email from him with a Christian write-up on the comfort of trials. He continues to be sober and is fighting his own monsters on all fronts. There is hope and he is living that out…
Acceptance often comes with pain. It comes with grief and sadness. It also comes with relief and it comes with renewed life. The funny thing is that I actually had to get to my own bottom where the only thing I had left was to trust God. We are told in the Bible that all the days of our lives were ordained and written in HIS book before one of them came to be. I had to believe that to accept where we were. My first trip to see my son after the last relapse was right before Christmas. I prayed on my way to accept my son for where he was so that I could enjoy my time with him rather than project my future and my fears for him and miss the moment. I was able to do that and it was a very special day!
For those of you who haven’t had to learn about this disease of addiction, please know that one of the fears that family members have that often keeps them from sharing their burdens is what you will think. The disease is hard to understand and it compels very bad behavior at times. But, our kids are not just bad kids. They have a disease that compels destructive behavior. There are husbands who want to be loving husbands and dads and feel terrible the next day after they make a scene. Relapses happen. Our loved ones are not just bad people trying to make better choices. They are sick people trying to get well. So, if you have a friend or family member dealing with an addict, please build your awareness of the disease if possible. Without an understanding of the disease, it is easier to judge rather than have compassion. We need support through understanding and accepting the that this is a disease with terrible symptoms.
Please know that even with Acceptance in the area of addiction, we still have choices. We can’t exert control over the addict’s actions like we may be able to do with our other kids’ activities like after-prom parties. But we can learn to love not only our addict better but also ourselves. We can learn to not place our expectations on others but see who God made them to be and be present on the journey that was laid for them as well as for us. I don’t want the miss the moments by hanging on to MY picture of the future and my fears/disppointment when it doesn't line up. And I accept that the future will be richer than I would have dreamed anyway and I stay present in the gift of the moment! Just like our kids can still have fun with a few boundaries, there is still joy to be had even with the new boundaries that come from acceptance in dealing with this disease.
Still on the journey and still running!
Well, I do accept that teenagers are struggling to understand their own identify and value, don’t always make the best decisions, are really bad at predicting the consequences of their choices, and are often more interested in trying out what their peers are doing rather than what the parents have taught them. So, if that’s acceptance so be it. However, I can acknowledge or accept that they are inclined that way but it doesn’t mean I have no choice or influence as a parent. So, after a million calls and texts between parents over the past three days, some plans were not allowed, new plans got made and the night was successfully survived. And, lo and behold, there are other “really mean parents” who actually do care what their children are doing afterwards just like me. And, modern miracles do occur. There is still fun to be had in the moment even with a few boundaries are in place. Who can believe that! (at least under the age of 40!!)
Now, with everyday life issues with your kids, you can accept certain truths like how a teenage mind operates and still exert some control and limits to teach and protect them. But of course, unless you are going to micro-chip them, escort them everywhere, or lock them in the basement, there is always an opportunity that they will make a bad choice. You can certainly limit it and create consequences that help influence the behavior. They do get at some level the value of not losing their phone or the keys. And, when your kids are sick, you can exert control by taking them to the doctor, getting the medicine and having them take that at the prescribed intervals and most of the time they get better. As a parent, you accept the reality of the disease and make choices to protect your child. If they are feeling bad, they usually do what is asked of them in an effort to feel better.
The concept of Acceptance, however, takes on a different level of importance when you are dealing with addiction. This disease is complicated and involves the mind, spirit and body. You might be able to exert control and create limits like have a child or loved one committed to a treatment facility that helps drive sobriety for a time and provides the body a break. But, the work that has to been done spiritually and mentally can be only done by the addict. When we first realized that our son was dealing with addiction, we did get him into treatment right away. I had no idea about the complexity of this disease. All my children had previous significant health issues and I attacked this one the same way. I did exactly what the professionals said to do. Yes, treatment gave his body a break. He began to look and feel better. His personality returned. His ability to show love and respect returned. And, I thought we had experienced a momentary bump in the road and we could just move on…
Well, three relapses later, I finally began to realize that my son was in a battle for his life that I could never understand or really wage war on his behalf. He had a battle to wage on all 3 fronts- spiritual, mental, and physical. I had to accept this disease in order to learn how to love, support, and have compassion for my child going forward. I had to accept that my son’s life was taking a different path than I had planned. That required grieving the future I held for him. It is also required acknowledging that the future that I had for him was not the future in God’s sovereign plan. And, that required me to trust God. The only way that my son could wage that war is if he ended up at the very same place. Acceptance of his disease, his future, and that God was trustworthy, forgiving, and more powerful than the addiction.
Acceptance means behaving differently. It means understanding that addicts think differently. It means giving up your image of who you want your child to be and really try to see the child you have. And, it means giving up all the old ways of nurture and protection. There comes a time when you can’t provide money or even shelter because you are providing for the disease, not your child. You realize that even out of love you are actually harming rather than helping. It took me a very long time to accept that!
I recently received a copy of a letter from an addict to a parent. There is so much in this letter that would touch you but this quote from the letter gets at the need to rethink protection for your addict. “When I was young, I used to think there was a monster in my closet, so you would run into my room and reassure me that there was no monster by opening the closet. But, since I’ve found drugs, I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster. It’s not inside my closet; it’s inside of me. And if I can’t learn to deal with it, it will ultimately destroy me. See…now that I’m older, it’s not your job to protect me from monsters anymore.”
To accept that I can’t protect my son from his monsters is hard and painful and yet the addict needs to hit the bottom and fight his own monsters. If we as parents keep that from happening, we help to prolong the disease. The rawest conversation I ever had with my son was last fall sitting in the parking lot of a softball field. The disease was clearly in control as he yelled and cursed at me. And Yes, "I was a mean,cold-hearted mother". I told him that I would not send any more money. I could not live with myself if he overdosed on the money I sent him for food. He was going to the bottom and it was painful for both of us. Those new boundaries I put in place were hard. Today, I got the sweetest email from him with a Christian write-up on the comfort of trials. He continues to be sober and is fighting his own monsters on all fronts. There is hope and he is living that out…
Acceptance often comes with pain. It comes with grief and sadness. It also comes with relief and it comes with renewed life. The funny thing is that I actually had to get to my own bottom where the only thing I had left was to trust God. We are told in the Bible that all the days of our lives were ordained and written in HIS book before one of them came to be. I had to believe that to accept where we were. My first trip to see my son after the last relapse was right before Christmas. I prayed on my way to accept my son for where he was so that I could enjoy my time with him rather than project my future and my fears for him and miss the moment. I was able to do that and it was a very special day!
For those of you who haven’t had to learn about this disease of addiction, please know that one of the fears that family members have that often keeps them from sharing their burdens is what you will think. The disease is hard to understand and it compels very bad behavior at times. But, our kids are not just bad kids. They have a disease that compels destructive behavior. There are husbands who want to be loving husbands and dads and feel terrible the next day after they make a scene. Relapses happen. Our loved ones are not just bad people trying to make better choices. They are sick people trying to get well. So, if you have a friend or family member dealing with an addict, please build your awareness of the disease if possible. Without an understanding of the disease, it is easier to judge rather than have compassion. We need support through understanding and accepting the that this is a disease with terrible symptoms.
Please know that even with Acceptance in the area of addiction, we still have choices. We can’t exert control over the addict’s actions like we may be able to do with our other kids’ activities like after-prom parties. But we can learn to love not only our addict better but also ourselves. We can learn to not place our expectations on others but see who God made them to be and be present on the journey that was laid for them as well as for us. I don’t want the miss the moments by hanging on to MY picture of the future and my fears/disppointment when it doesn't line up. And I accept that the future will be richer than I would have dreamed anyway and I stay present in the gift of the moment! Just like our kids can still have fun with a few boundaries, there is still joy to be had even with the new boundaries that come from acceptance in dealing with this disease.
Still on the journey and still running!
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