“Let your faith be greater than your fear. Sometimes you just have to act as if you are courageous.” These were the words of a wise woman spoken today in an Alanon meeting on the topic of courage. A little over a year ago, I was overwhelmed by my fear and sadness. I did not feel courageous but had to act as if… My son’s life was in the balance and so was mine.
He was living in his car, cold, hungry and going through withdrawals. And we knew we had to let him experience his bottom. To save him from his bottom would not save him from his addiction. We had to show our love by letting him come to recognize his own powerlessness and to turn to his one true source of power. I could no longer rescue him. He with the help of God would have to rescue himself. Believe me, that love didn’t feel very loving. I guess that’s why they call it tough love. And, it was tough on everyone involved.
During that dark time, I was wrestling with God myself. I was at my own bottom of despair. I knew that I had to step forward and do something positive to counter this pain. The idea to embark on this running and writing project was born. As you may recall if you read the first post, my plan was to run a 1000 miles in a year and document our journey and what God was teaching me along the way through this blog. Ultimately the goal was to honor what God was doing in our lives by telling our story. I yearned for this pain to be redeemed for something good. And so, I began to run and to write.
Here we are a year later. The biggest blessing this year is that my son committed to his recovery in a renewed way after he hit that bottom and was allowed to experience it in its fullness. He has made so many steps forward physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of his courage and grateful to God that my son’s story is being redeemed. I am also happy to say that I finished this project logging in 1,044 miles. It has been like running a virtual race. So many of you have cheered me on through your messages and texts and I did it!! Not bad for an old gal! I have been trying to come up with the words that would describe this last year for me. Here I am at the completion point of time bound project. I guess I want to end it with something like “that’s a wrap and take a bow…but then again…”
My son told me at his 9 month anniversary and again at his one-year anniversary that he was happy but it was just a mile marker. His journey continues and truthfully so does mine. But I need to mark this mile with some reflection. Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” I know we can be empowered by our circumstances. In the Bible, Paul tells us that in our weakness, we are made strong. And so, this morning, I sat down and read through all the blog entries. There was so much life revisited in those entries. There was illness, death, and laughter. There were friends and strangers who touched my life. There was insight. There was certainly pain and growth. There was God. And, I see my story- our story- being redeemed.
In the very first blog, my struggle was to accept the “both-and” of my circumstances. The questions of my heart were-
How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?
How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?
How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?
Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?
That last question is a big one. At that time, I truly did not know how to resolve the conflict. I only knew that I must figure it out somehow. That has been my journey over the last year. If I had to sum up what I have learned, it could be summed up in four words- humility, faith, gratitude and hope.
I asked my son what the biggest learning had been over the past year and he described humility. He said, “I had to accept that I couldn’t stay sober and move forward without God. I needed to get out of his way and let him lead my life.” He also talked about having to do things that he didn’t want to do but needed to. Things like taking on a new sponsee in the program and speaking in front of people. He said a very wise thing- that he knew that there was no growth to be had in his comfort zone and he needed to trust others and God as they pushed him out of it. For me, just to truly accept that I was powerless over my son’s disease and that my life had become unmanageable through all the dynamics that had formed and my desire to control was a humbling recognition. It really didn’t matter how hard I tried. It was my son’s battle to fight. Someone once said to me, “your son has a God and it is not you.” I, too, needed to get out of God’s way. So, this year has been a lesson in humility. And, I needed to shift my self-reliance to a God-reliance not only for me but for my son. Just being willing to admit that I sometimes live my life as if I were God was humbling. I believe humility is first step towards allowing our faith in the fact that He is good and in control to grow. Psalms 25:9- “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”
The truth is God is all-powerful. I don’t have to be because He is!
Faith is key to living life with peace in the midst of chaos. One of the topics in an earlier blog was the fact that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. God does not promise us a life without pain. But, he does promise us strength, grace, joy and peace. When you are in a season of darkness, it seems almost impossible to believe. I had to come to the realization that although I had believed since I was a child, I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t trust myself to be sufficient either but somehow I still tried to control my circumstances and my son’s rather than to trust God with them. It has been in the gravity of our situation that we had to learn to rely on God. There was no other way; and so, this year has been an exercise in trust. And, God has proved himself trustworthy over and over again. He has guided and provided in all kinds of scenarios. It is in my weakness that God’s power has shown through. 2 Corinthians 12:9-“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect is weakness.”
Not only is God trustworthy, the truth is God is sufficient and I don’t have to be because he is.
With humility, our eyes can be fixed in faith on what God is doing in the midst of our lives no matter the circumstances. When we fix our eyes, not on our circumstances but on God’s work- his grace shed in our lives we can see our blessings and feel gratitude. We are called to give thanks in all circumstances. This was hard for me at times. I think at the times that it was hardest, I was not living from a basis of trust in God’s perfect plan for me and my son. I could not always see his provision. But what has helped is the concept of God-sight in hindsight. Looking back over time and acknowledging our God was moving even when he seemed silent. That is our story. That is what I am grateful for. The Bible promises that our stories were ordained before one of our days came to be. With that I can honor my story and carry no shame. I have definitely had lessons in gratitude.
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The truth is God is gracious and merciful and I can be thankful in all because he is.
With humility, faith, and gratitude, there is hope. God is bigger than any situation, any bad choice, and any heartache. With hope, we have courage to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and live the next moment. God promises for those who have hope, he will renew their strength, they will soar, they will run and will not grow weary. In Romans, we are told that hope does not disappoint. So, the real answer to the question of how I both live a life of joy, peace and gratitude and still acknowledge my son’s circumstances or mine own is through Hope. I hang on to the belief that God can redeem anything. He is bigger and more powerful that anything I could do or could be done to me. And I hold that truth for my son and all my children.
Psalm 130-7 “Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.”
The truth is God is the Great Redeemer and I can live in hope because of that!
So, that’s a wrap now take a bow… and then again… my journey has just started.
My journey goes on. The last blog was about my struggles with current circumstances. I have more to learn about living my life with humility, faith, gratitude and hope. Every time I go to a bottom, a place of despair, it sends me right back to God, the Great Teacher. I will close this to say that I have been overwhelmed by the love and support expressed by so many of you who have followed along with this blog. You have shared your pain and your encouragement. God has used you as my inspiration. There have been times that my words were pretty raw or I was very candid about my imperfections. My hope is that my story, our story would touch others in a way that would be an encouragement. If you are struggling, find someone to reach out to. There is hope to be had. ANYTHING can be redeemed. God provides comfort through love spread among us. I know this. I experience this. If you are not struggling open your eyes and reach out to someone who is. You never know what joy or comfort you will bring with something even as small as a text. Sometimes all someone needs is to know they are not forgotten.
I cannot finish this without expressing thankfulness for my son’s recovery and being proud of his courage and willingness to have me so openly share. He is a very special young man with a remarkable story. I will honor him with a verse that I wrote in a longer poem-
“For he was his before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.
Wen- I love who you are and you are your story!
I will blog from time to time. I will run but likely not quite as much. I will be forever grateful for what this year has meant to me.
Still running the journey set before me!
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Feeling separate and desperate not to!
Once again, I am sitting on a long dark flight home. I am about 5 hours into the flight with 3 more to go. It is dark and I am terribly sad. Tears have spilled on and off since Saturday and this flight is no different except that it is harder to keep them back. So, I am going to write but I am not certain I will post. You see, I don’t know any way to write at this point but to be totally transparent. And yet, I feel more vulnerable than I have in long while. There are just some days that the ache of life takes over for a while. Surely, someone reading this has been there. The tears of my soul are flowing.
The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for many reasons. Everywhere I look, people need me or something from me, every area of my life feels somehow out of order, and although not generally directed towards me, others have disappointed me. And, I am certain I have disappointed them. And, it is now hard to control the tears. For me, that means my barriers are collapsing. I feel crushed.
And although I want to be back home, I really didn’t feel the usual relief or excitement to get home that I generally do as I got to the airport this morning. I mainly just feel DONE. I don’t feel well and my throat is closing but the strange thing is that it feels less like getting sick and more like being silenced by life. Like it’s symbolic of my inability to speak words of encouragement to myself, voice words that acknowledge the way forward, or speak words of faith.
All I really know to do right now is to write. And so on a piece of paper, I wrote my first sentence to try and reclaim that voice. And it was “what do I feel at this moment?” And, my answer was, “I feel hopeless and disappointed, fearful and burdened, empty, tired and ill.”
I feel beaten by life.
I feel separate from others and mostly God.
And I feel desperate not to…
I cannot go in to the details of the circumstances as there are things evolving and other details that are just not my story to tell. But my reaction to them is what I am sorting through. Believe me the last two weeks have been a challenge. And, I know things will not be the same in the next two weeks. Maybe better, maybe not, but different. And somehow, I know that God will equip me to move forward as he has before and as he has promised. But perhaps, you can relate to the times or seasons when all you can do is voice your faith and nothing in your being feels it. And, I am desperate to feel it…
I remember sitting on my deck last fall before dawn one morning when my son was in his last relapse. I had come to grips with the fact that this disease could take my son. I am not sure it was acceptance but what little remnant of denial that I could somehow fix this was gone. I knew that I could not make it different. My pride and arrogance that I somehow could have changed things had been crushed. My eyes were opened. And I was left with a deep sense of powerlessness and a desperate need to feel connected to God. I sat on that deck in the dark searching the stars for some feeling of connectedness. As the sun came up, I held my focus intently on the last flickering star as it disappeared as if it were my only connection to God. I feel like that now... Like I am looking for that one star in the darkness.
I feel separate.
And, I am desperate not to…
The reality is that I have that same sense of having my arrogance and pride crushed. I cannot make things better for others. It is God’s job and theirs to do. I need to walk my path with him and let others walk theirs. And, perhaps, it is that darn arrogance and pride that has led me to be feeling so separate. Perhaps, it is just that feeling of being crushed that will allow a space for me to feel reconnected to God. That will open my eyes to a new reality.
The truth is God works in mysterious and surprising ways. Maybe that star that I need to focus on came in the form of something entirely different today. I got on this plane planning to escape, at least for a few hours, the burden that I am feeling. My plan was to watch a whole season of House of Cards… One episode right after the other. I had seen it as an option on the flight over to London and felt it was a great way to escape my reality, my feelings on the way back. And as I sat in my seat trying to load it, it would not work. They moved me around to other seats but no there was no ability to watch that or any TV show so I was left with movies. And as I flipped through, I didn’t want anything that would take too much thought. I wasn’t in the mood for anything sad or silly. So, I chose Heaven is for Real. Now I had read the book a while ago. I expected that after the beginning, it might be uplifting. And it was but not in the way I anticipated. For some reason, I felt everything. I loved that little boy and missed that simpler time with young children. I felt sadness and pain when the boy got sick. I have dealt with a number of health crises with my kids and it brought all that emotion up. I felt that anger when the Dad asked God why he would take his son and I felt the confusion of trying to make sense of life through your beliefs. Certainly, I have wrestled with those questions. And, tears poured down my face the entire movie. I was thankful for the dark.
But what really got to me where some words in the sermon at the end. He opened his Bible with this note written.
Only faith opens our eyes
God is love
On earth as it is in heaven
The pastor said, “God crushed my pride and opened my eyes”. He went on to say basically that we are all given different lives to lead and God gives us glimpses of himself in different ways. We can see him in the 1st cry of a baby, or the courage of a friend, or in a thousand other ways. We get glimpses of Heaven and of God, and yet, we often choose to exist in the Hell of hate or fear (or for me self-reliance). I rewound those 9 minutes of the movie several times. At the very end, the pastor said something to the effect that God is love (on heaven and on earth) and we are called to let others know that they loved and that they are not alone. I don’t intend to debate the theology of the movie. But, maybe God was sending me his love through the words spoken in a movie to me. He has allowed me to be crushed and has blocked my plans and now he has spoken to me. He sent that star in a form that I could hear at this moment.
He has given me voice to my soul through my writing. I still feel sad but I choose to look for glimpses of Heaven on earth. I will claim God’s promise to soar on the wings of eagles over and above the circumstances of the day. And perhaps, I do feel
A little less separate and little more connected
A little less desperate and little more peace…
And with God on my side I will run and not grow weary...
The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for many reasons. Everywhere I look, people need me or something from me, every area of my life feels somehow out of order, and although not generally directed towards me, others have disappointed me. And, I am certain I have disappointed them. And, it is now hard to control the tears. For me, that means my barriers are collapsing. I feel crushed.
And although I want to be back home, I really didn’t feel the usual relief or excitement to get home that I generally do as I got to the airport this morning. I mainly just feel DONE. I don’t feel well and my throat is closing but the strange thing is that it feels less like getting sick and more like being silenced by life. Like it’s symbolic of my inability to speak words of encouragement to myself, voice words that acknowledge the way forward, or speak words of faith.
All I really know to do right now is to write. And so on a piece of paper, I wrote my first sentence to try and reclaim that voice. And it was “what do I feel at this moment?” And, my answer was, “I feel hopeless and disappointed, fearful and burdened, empty, tired and ill.”
I feel beaten by life.
I feel separate from others and mostly God.
And I feel desperate not to…
I cannot go in to the details of the circumstances as there are things evolving and other details that are just not my story to tell. But my reaction to them is what I am sorting through. Believe me the last two weeks have been a challenge. And, I know things will not be the same in the next two weeks. Maybe better, maybe not, but different. And somehow, I know that God will equip me to move forward as he has before and as he has promised. But perhaps, you can relate to the times or seasons when all you can do is voice your faith and nothing in your being feels it. And, I am desperate to feel it…
I remember sitting on my deck last fall before dawn one morning when my son was in his last relapse. I had come to grips with the fact that this disease could take my son. I am not sure it was acceptance but what little remnant of denial that I could somehow fix this was gone. I knew that I could not make it different. My pride and arrogance that I somehow could have changed things had been crushed. My eyes were opened. And I was left with a deep sense of powerlessness and a desperate need to feel connected to God. I sat on that deck in the dark searching the stars for some feeling of connectedness. As the sun came up, I held my focus intently on the last flickering star as it disappeared as if it were my only connection to God. I feel like that now... Like I am looking for that one star in the darkness.
I feel separate.
And, I am desperate not to…
The reality is that I have that same sense of having my arrogance and pride crushed. I cannot make things better for others. It is God’s job and theirs to do. I need to walk my path with him and let others walk theirs. And, perhaps, it is that darn arrogance and pride that has led me to be feeling so separate. Perhaps, it is just that feeling of being crushed that will allow a space for me to feel reconnected to God. That will open my eyes to a new reality.
The truth is God works in mysterious and surprising ways. Maybe that star that I need to focus on came in the form of something entirely different today. I got on this plane planning to escape, at least for a few hours, the burden that I am feeling. My plan was to watch a whole season of House of Cards… One episode right after the other. I had seen it as an option on the flight over to London and felt it was a great way to escape my reality, my feelings on the way back. And as I sat in my seat trying to load it, it would not work. They moved me around to other seats but no there was no ability to watch that or any TV show so I was left with movies. And as I flipped through, I didn’t want anything that would take too much thought. I wasn’t in the mood for anything sad or silly. So, I chose Heaven is for Real. Now I had read the book a while ago. I expected that after the beginning, it might be uplifting. And it was but not in the way I anticipated. For some reason, I felt everything. I loved that little boy and missed that simpler time with young children. I felt sadness and pain when the boy got sick. I have dealt with a number of health crises with my kids and it brought all that emotion up. I felt that anger when the Dad asked God why he would take his son and I felt the confusion of trying to make sense of life through your beliefs. Certainly, I have wrestled with those questions. And, tears poured down my face the entire movie. I was thankful for the dark.
But what really got to me where some words in the sermon at the end. He opened his Bible with this note written.
Only faith opens our eyes
God is love
On earth as it is in heaven
The pastor said, “God crushed my pride and opened my eyes”. He went on to say basically that we are all given different lives to lead and God gives us glimpses of himself in different ways. We can see him in the 1st cry of a baby, or the courage of a friend, or in a thousand other ways. We get glimpses of Heaven and of God, and yet, we often choose to exist in the Hell of hate or fear (or for me self-reliance). I rewound those 9 minutes of the movie several times. At the very end, the pastor said something to the effect that God is love (on heaven and on earth) and we are called to let others know that they loved and that they are not alone. I don’t intend to debate the theology of the movie. But, maybe God was sending me his love through the words spoken in a movie to me. He has allowed me to be crushed and has blocked my plans and now he has spoken to me. He sent that star in a form that I could hear at this moment.
He has given me voice to my soul through my writing. I still feel sad but I choose to look for glimpses of Heaven on earth. I will claim God’s promise to soar on the wings of eagles over and above the circumstances of the day. And perhaps, I do feel
A little less separate and little more connected
A little less desperate and little more peace…
And with God on my side I will run and not grow weary...
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Different but the same at the core...
Today in our sermon at church, we talked about a verse in I Corinthians which described the body of believers, the Church. “…But that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” I looked up that verse and then read back several verses at the beginning of the chapter. It was talking about spiritual gifts. It speaks about the fact that there are different gifts, different kinds of service and different workings, and they all come from the same God. Different but the same at the core…
Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.
Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.
We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.
It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.
I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.
The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.
Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…
I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!
Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.
Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.
We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.
It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.
I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.
The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.
Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…
I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!
Sunday, October 19, 2014
“My job is not to judge. My job is to love.”
Earlier this week, I read something on judgment. I tried to find it again this morning but cannot find exactly where it came from. However, I remember the ending very clearly. The author said, “My job is not to judge. My job is to love.” God is the judge and he was clear on his call to us to love. There is so much going on around us right now in the world. Things for me that go against my belief system. Arguments that are only won if the opposing side is portrayed as totally wrong or selfishly motivated. Real dangers to life as we know it. There are people who stand on righteous ground in front of cameras and then make human choices that are not consistent with their public position. And we judge… we do not love. It can sneak up on you. And, it can be subtle at times. Other times, we voice it clearly through our words and communicate it through our body language.
It is not something I aspire to do and yet I know there are times when I judge rather than love. I am human and don’t always know how to stand by my convictions and show love to those who go against those convictions or who do things that hurt me. It is also important to set boundaries and be authentic to our beliefs. But, when that becomes so rigid that we exclude a relational aspect to how we engage with others, then we lose our ability to engage others in love. Without that, we actually lose our ability to be a positive influence or encouragement. Surely though, I am not the only one who understands how hard this can be at times.
Refraining from judging and learning to act in love when dealing with addiction is particularly difficult. Early into our family’s journey with this disease, I was completely baffled and in many ways destroyed by this disease. There was a judging voice that rang constantly in my head. How could my son continue to make decisions that were so harmful to him and to our family? What is wrong with him? You see I didn’t understand the nature of the disease. I turned that same judgmental voice on myself. How did I not know that all the pain medication provided during his hospitalizations was setting him up for disaster? What kind of mother am I, that I didn’t recognize the danger signs earlier and further enabled the disease? I didn’t understand the family aspect of this disease, either. I judged. And, I experienced the judgment of others. There were those who thought my child was “one of those bad kids” or that my working outside of the home somehow set him up for failure. The reality was that I didn’t need their judgment. I had enough of that on my own. My son didn’t need our judgment. He definitely had enough of that on his own. What we needed was love.
And yet, even though I know this, there are times when I easily lapse into that place of judgment with my son still today. Just yesterday, he called me and we began discussing some plans for the next few months. The truth is that I believe I know better than he does how he should proceed. That is a judgment. It assumes that I know best. And, it does not honor what God is teaching him though his choices. I also hear our conversations through the lens of my own wounds that are still healing. So, I assume certain motivations. That is a judgment. It assumes that I am all-knowing, a mind-reader. It does not honor the transformation that God has been doing in his heart. Lastly, I still project the outcome and can quickly go to a place of fear. That is also a judgment. That really does not honor the fact that God has ordained the journey that we are on and is actively leading us. You see judgment comes from a myriad of faulty perspectives. It often assumes that someone else is less capable, knowledgeable or valuable than we are. Then judgment becomes a way to demonstrate just that. That is a really hard to thing to admit. But unless, we are ready to entertain that, it is difficult to move from a place of judging to loving. Let me be specific- unless I am ready to admit it, I cannot begin to shift my natural reaction from one of judging to one of loving.
Yesterday, when my son called, I didn’t make a conscious decision to judge. I fell into it naturally. He heard it in my tone and in my words. And, it shut the conversation down. Thankfully, I have done enough work and prayed enough, that when that still small voice spoke, I heard. I called my son back a few minutes later and we had a different conversation. A conversation that was productive, enlightening and loving. When I honored his journey and recognized his value, knowledge, and capability, I moved forward in love and he felt that. That doesn’t mean that I agree with every decision. And, it acknowledges that I really don’t have the perfect answer for him. Only God has that. It does, however, open up through love, the ability to enter into his journey and encourage him along the way.
Last night, I was watching the Ole Miss Rebels finish out a great win against Tennessee. After it was clear that there was enough of gap in the score to guarantee the outcome, Coach Freeze began to give some others a chance to get playing time and try some different plays. I don’t think he expected another score but there at the end of the game, we got another touchdown extending the score. The TV cameras flashed over to Coach Freeze who mouthed something like “oh, man” and shook his head. He clearly did not want to run up the score. Here he was now basically 7-0 against a team whose win-loss record against the Rebels was heavily weighted to their side over the recent past. He could have wanted to clearly show people who is the best team and be happy to drive the score up. It is obviously important to win but it appeared he saw no need to take advantage of this team and further demonstrate how much stronger the Rebels were this season. In my mind, that quick reaction was Coach Freeze’s character shining through. His natural reaction was one of valuing the opponent. It was a reaction of kindness. It suggests to me that he has a firmly rooted value system on how he will treat his opponents. And, it really touched me.
What I desire is that my natural reaction, just like Coach Freeze demonstrated last night, to be firmly rooted in my value system. And, I want my value system aligned with what God is calling me to do on this earth. And that is to love- not to judge!
Today, I will run with a desire to demonstrate love for others.
It is not something I aspire to do and yet I know there are times when I judge rather than love. I am human and don’t always know how to stand by my convictions and show love to those who go against those convictions or who do things that hurt me. It is also important to set boundaries and be authentic to our beliefs. But, when that becomes so rigid that we exclude a relational aspect to how we engage with others, then we lose our ability to engage others in love. Without that, we actually lose our ability to be a positive influence or encouragement. Surely though, I am not the only one who understands how hard this can be at times.
Refraining from judging and learning to act in love when dealing with addiction is particularly difficult. Early into our family’s journey with this disease, I was completely baffled and in many ways destroyed by this disease. There was a judging voice that rang constantly in my head. How could my son continue to make decisions that were so harmful to him and to our family? What is wrong with him? You see I didn’t understand the nature of the disease. I turned that same judgmental voice on myself. How did I not know that all the pain medication provided during his hospitalizations was setting him up for disaster? What kind of mother am I, that I didn’t recognize the danger signs earlier and further enabled the disease? I didn’t understand the family aspect of this disease, either. I judged. And, I experienced the judgment of others. There were those who thought my child was “one of those bad kids” or that my working outside of the home somehow set him up for failure. The reality was that I didn’t need their judgment. I had enough of that on my own. My son didn’t need our judgment. He definitely had enough of that on his own. What we needed was love.
And yet, even though I know this, there are times when I easily lapse into that place of judgment with my son still today. Just yesterday, he called me and we began discussing some plans for the next few months. The truth is that I believe I know better than he does how he should proceed. That is a judgment. It assumes that I know best. And, it does not honor what God is teaching him though his choices. I also hear our conversations through the lens of my own wounds that are still healing. So, I assume certain motivations. That is a judgment. It assumes that I am all-knowing, a mind-reader. It does not honor the transformation that God has been doing in his heart. Lastly, I still project the outcome and can quickly go to a place of fear. That is also a judgment. That really does not honor the fact that God has ordained the journey that we are on and is actively leading us. You see judgment comes from a myriad of faulty perspectives. It often assumes that someone else is less capable, knowledgeable or valuable than we are. Then judgment becomes a way to demonstrate just that. That is a really hard to thing to admit. But unless, we are ready to entertain that, it is difficult to move from a place of judging to loving. Let me be specific- unless I am ready to admit it, I cannot begin to shift my natural reaction from one of judging to one of loving.
Yesterday, when my son called, I didn’t make a conscious decision to judge. I fell into it naturally. He heard it in my tone and in my words. And, it shut the conversation down. Thankfully, I have done enough work and prayed enough, that when that still small voice spoke, I heard. I called my son back a few minutes later and we had a different conversation. A conversation that was productive, enlightening and loving. When I honored his journey and recognized his value, knowledge, and capability, I moved forward in love and he felt that. That doesn’t mean that I agree with every decision. And, it acknowledges that I really don’t have the perfect answer for him. Only God has that. It does, however, open up through love, the ability to enter into his journey and encourage him along the way.
Last night, I was watching the Ole Miss Rebels finish out a great win against Tennessee. After it was clear that there was enough of gap in the score to guarantee the outcome, Coach Freeze began to give some others a chance to get playing time and try some different plays. I don’t think he expected another score but there at the end of the game, we got another touchdown extending the score. The TV cameras flashed over to Coach Freeze who mouthed something like “oh, man” and shook his head. He clearly did not want to run up the score. Here he was now basically 7-0 against a team whose win-loss record against the Rebels was heavily weighted to their side over the recent past. He could have wanted to clearly show people who is the best team and be happy to drive the score up. It is obviously important to win but it appeared he saw no need to take advantage of this team and further demonstrate how much stronger the Rebels were this season. In my mind, that quick reaction was Coach Freeze’s character shining through. His natural reaction was one of valuing the opponent. It was a reaction of kindness. It suggests to me that he has a firmly rooted value system on how he will treat his opponents. And, it really touched me.
What I desire is that my natural reaction, just like Coach Freeze demonstrated last night, to be firmly rooted in my value system. And, I want my value system aligned with what God is calling me to do on this earth. And that is to love- not to judge!
Today, I will run with a desire to demonstrate love for others.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
And I heard God's still small voice through the faces and voices of children in India
I am sitting on an airplane in the dark, 5 hours into a 14 hour flight from Abu Dhabi to Washington DC and on to Charlotte. This journey home will take almost 30 hours. In the past 15 days, I have worked in 3 countries, 4 locations and 5 hotels. And, I am weary. But, in the quiet, I decided to write. It has actually been awhile because of travel and family activities on the weekend and I have missed the quiet soul time. It takes the quiet for me to connect what God is doing in my life and hear what that still small voice wants to breathe into my being. The reminder that there is more to this life than what often consumes my attention. There is depth and beauty weaved throughout every moment in this life. There is joy and love ready when your eyes are open to it.
I had many blessings throughout this trip. But the culmination of this time was the opportunity to visit a school outside of Hyderabad India. My church has been actively involved in this school since it was just a God-inspired vision. I have been personally connected through student sponsorship and have wanted to visit for some time. It was a challenge to go as it was a long drive and I was leaving the hotel for the airport headed home at 2:15 am. But no matter how tired, I could not be so close and not see this miracle that God has engaged so many of us in. And so, Saturday after finishing a work offsite, friends from India and I set off on an hour and a half drive to visit with Pastor Caleb and the children. It is quite a trip to get there. In India, often the lanes don’t mean too much. Traffic is chaotic. They use horns instead of blinkers. We passed through construction and then finally a quiet, long bumpy dirt road in the dark. And then the school… The school was like a beacon of light in that darkness. But more than just a physical light in the darkness but a spiritual light!
We pulled up in front of the newly built, beautiful chapel. And I could see through the doors all the children sitting patiently on the floor waiting for our arrival. The minute we stepped out, I could feel the pulse of joy. I could see the love of Christ. I felt I was in a Holy place where God was at work. As we walked in, the children eyes lit up as they watched us come in. They knew I was from my church which bears the same name as the school. We are bonded as a community. We provide in love and they receive in love. And last night, they gave right back to me LOVE.
They sang and danced for us. They spoke passages from the Bible. They honored us and prayed for us. And on their knees, they sang the Lord’s Prayer at the end of the closing prayer. Those precious children’s voices singing touched me and my friend’s deeply. It brought tears to our eyes. And as we broke for dinner, these precious children surrounded me. They asked if I knew their sponsors. Their sponsors mean so much to them and their eyes lit up when I did. One of my best friends’s sponsored daughter kept coming back to me to let me know how much she loved my friend and asking how they were and would I hug them for her. They touched my hands and my blonde hair. They asked me my favorite colors and how many kids I had. I was surrounded by sweet children who wanted to know all about me. It was such a humbling and precious time. My heart was totally engaged with theirs. It took me back to my trip in Africa a year or so ago.
In Africa, my younger son and I were also surrounded by children on that mission’s trip. I remember asking my son after the first day, what struck him about the day. He said to me that he was touched by how little the children in Africa had and yet they were so joyful. And, I felt the same as I sat with these children last night. We have been so blessed where we live that we get distracted by it. At least for me, it is easy to lose perspective by all the excess and busy schedules. When much of it is stripped away, and your focus is on Christ and what he is providing and doing through you, his joy and peace flows through you. These children last night have been so blessed by being able to attend this school, build their chances for earthly success through education and most importantly reinforce their eternal success through the building of their faith. And joy was definitely flowing!
For those couple of hours, I slowed down and let God’s love flow in and through me. The rest of the pressures of life did not exist at that moment. I was present and I felt the hand of God. God has really been good to me in the past few years. He has sustained my heart even when it was breaking for my son. He has been teaching me about faith and to trust his sovereignty. And, he used my time at Stonebridge School last night to remind me that he is in control. He can build things that do not exist in order to provide for his children even connecting people halfway across the world. His hand is always there. I just need to look for it.
This idea of perspective had actually come to me earlier on my trip as I ran on the treadmill in Manila looking out over the streets. When you travel, you have to adapt to what the culture is. Often, moving through different countries, living in hotels, and trying to make your way through the day, you can be presented with challenges. It is not always easy and at different points, the lack of certain comforts can be frustrating and tiring. And before you know it, you get focused on those challenges and not on the blessings of the moment.
On this trip, I struggled adjusting my sleep patterns and was tired by so much travel, airports, different hotels, etc. I missed watching the news. I missed my family and being in easy and constant contact. And yet, I was aware of what a blessing it was to experience the different cultures. I got to work across the table with colleagues I mostly know through phone and email conversations. I got to be with work colleagues who have become my friends and meet new people. I was treated with such kindness in the hotels. It is all in how you set your perspective. I could have narrowed my focus on the lack of sleep or some of the perceived inconveniences and lack of certain comforts from home. I could have let myself get overwhelmed by all the things left undone because of my work schedule. But I didn’t and I was blessed by being present and opening my eyes to breadth and depth of this world he has created and all his children celebrating the differences.
Before I began writing, I went back to read the very first post I wrote on both-and thinking. I am so much further along today than when I was in that dark struggle almost a year ago. I am sure that I will feel struggle again. But, my perspective has definitely been changing. One of the sweetest questions asked last night was “what was my ambition?”. Well at 51, I don’t get asked that question anymore. It is more likely to be “what do you want to do when you retire”! My quick answer to this sweet child was to build my faith but I think it is really my hope to not stay narrowly focused on the challenge but open my eyes to the breadth of my life. I want to honor what God is doing in and through me. I want my life to be an expression of those children singing the Lord’s Prayer on their knees. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven... That is what God’s still small voice breathed into my being in India. Amen!
I will run this week in honor of all those precious children at Stonebridge School, the staff, and Pastor Caleb!
I had many blessings throughout this trip. But the culmination of this time was the opportunity to visit a school outside of Hyderabad India. My church has been actively involved in this school since it was just a God-inspired vision. I have been personally connected through student sponsorship and have wanted to visit for some time. It was a challenge to go as it was a long drive and I was leaving the hotel for the airport headed home at 2:15 am. But no matter how tired, I could not be so close and not see this miracle that God has engaged so many of us in. And so, Saturday after finishing a work offsite, friends from India and I set off on an hour and a half drive to visit with Pastor Caleb and the children. It is quite a trip to get there. In India, often the lanes don’t mean too much. Traffic is chaotic. They use horns instead of blinkers. We passed through construction and then finally a quiet, long bumpy dirt road in the dark. And then the school… The school was like a beacon of light in that darkness. But more than just a physical light in the darkness but a spiritual light!
We pulled up in front of the newly built, beautiful chapel. And I could see through the doors all the children sitting patiently on the floor waiting for our arrival. The minute we stepped out, I could feel the pulse of joy. I could see the love of Christ. I felt I was in a Holy place where God was at work. As we walked in, the children eyes lit up as they watched us come in. They knew I was from my church which bears the same name as the school. We are bonded as a community. We provide in love and they receive in love. And last night, they gave right back to me LOVE.
They sang and danced for us. They spoke passages from the Bible. They honored us and prayed for us. And on their knees, they sang the Lord’s Prayer at the end of the closing prayer. Those precious children’s voices singing touched me and my friend’s deeply. It brought tears to our eyes. And as we broke for dinner, these precious children surrounded me. They asked if I knew their sponsors. Their sponsors mean so much to them and their eyes lit up when I did. One of my best friends’s sponsored daughter kept coming back to me to let me know how much she loved my friend and asking how they were and would I hug them for her. They touched my hands and my blonde hair. They asked me my favorite colors and how many kids I had. I was surrounded by sweet children who wanted to know all about me. It was such a humbling and precious time. My heart was totally engaged with theirs. It took me back to my trip in Africa a year or so ago.
In Africa, my younger son and I were also surrounded by children on that mission’s trip. I remember asking my son after the first day, what struck him about the day. He said to me that he was touched by how little the children in Africa had and yet they were so joyful. And, I felt the same as I sat with these children last night. We have been so blessed where we live that we get distracted by it. At least for me, it is easy to lose perspective by all the excess and busy schedules. When much of it is stripped away, and your focus is on Christ and what he is providing and doing through you, his joy and peace flows through you. These children last night have been so blessed by being able to attend this school, build their chances for earthly success through education and most importantly reinforce their eternal success through the building of their faith. And joy was definitely flowing!
For those couple of hours, I slowed down and let God’s love flow in and through me. The rest of the pressures of life did not exist at that moment. I was present and I felt the hand of God. God has really been good to me in the past few years. He has sustained my heart even when it was breaking for my son. He has been teaching me about faith and to trust his sovereignty. And, he used my time at Stonebridge School last night to remind me that he is in control. He can build things that do not exist in order to provide for his children even connecting people halfway across the world. His hand is always there. I just need to look for it.
This idea of perspective had actually come to me earlier on my trip as I ran on the treadmill in Manila looking out over the streets. When you travel, you have to adapt to what the culture is. Often, moving through different countries, living in hotels, and trying to make your way through the day, you can be presented with challenges. It is not always easy and at different points, the lack of certain comforts can be frustrating and tiring. And before you know it, you get focused on those challenges and not on the blessings of the moment.
On this trip, I struggled adjusting my sleep patterns and was tired by so much travel, airports, different hotels, etc. I missed watching the news. I missed my family and being in easy and constant contact. And yet, I was aware of what a blessing it was to experience the different cultures. I got to work across the table with colleagues I mostly know through phone and email conversations. I got to be with work colleagues who have become my friends and meet new people. I was treated with such kindness in the hotels. It is all in how you set your perspective. I could have narrowed my focus on the lack of sleep or some of the perceived inconveniences and lack of certain comforts from home. I could have let myself get overwhelmed by all the things left undone because of my work schedule. But I didn’t and I was blessed by being present and opening my eyes to breadth and depth of this world he has created and all his children celebrating the differences.
Before I began writing, I went back to read the very first post I wrote on both-and thinking. I am so much further along today than when I was in that dark struggle almost a year ago. I am sure that I will feel struggle again. But, my perspective has definitely been changing. One of the sweetest questions asked last night was “what was my ambition?”. Well at 51, I don’t get asked that question anymore. It is more likely to be “what do you want to do when you retire”! My quick answer to this sweet child was to build my faith but I think it is really my hope to not stay narrowly focused on the challenge but open my eyes to the breadth of my life. I want to honor what God is doing in and through me. I want my life to be an expression of those children singing the Lord’s Prayer on their knees. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven... That is what God’s still small voice breathed into my being in India. Amen!
I will run this week in honor of all those precious children at Stonebridge School, the staff, and Pastor Caleb!
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Trusting God enough to detach with love!
I started documenting my journey 42 weeks ago. I thought that through both the running journey and writing about what I am learning, it would progress my recovery from this family disease of addiction. My hope was also that it would provide encouragement to others on a similar journey and connect us in a network of loving support. And, it has done that.
But last week, I received a note from a friend that said she had read the blog and wished she was at the same place. The first thing I want to be clear about is that I am still struggling to live life in alignment with the truths that I am learning. I am working to incorporate what I am learning but it still is a process that includes reacting, awareness, and decisions to adjust my behavior. The beauty is that I recognize more quickly when I begin to spin or obsess or enable. Once that happens, I can choose to do things differently. Sometimes those are just baby steps. Because this is a journey, the terrain is more difficult at times and the speed and success with which I traverse that terrain varies. There are certainly times when my emotions do not catch up to my actions even when I make healthier choices in terms of how I engage. The good news is that I am learning that I can still choose to do things differently even when I feel fear. That is different behavior than when I would let my fear catapult me into self-reliance and control mode.
This week I have been challenged to take last week’s lesson to trust that “God has got it” and continue to apply it. There were issues with one of my children who was struggling with some tough decisions. There were significant ramifications tied to this decision including how life was aligning with this child’s values. It tears at a mother’s heart to hear the struggle in the sound of your child’s voice. It is easy to play out potential issues in your mind that will arise if the decision is not handled well. For me, the cycle of worry then begins and the need to intervene in some way. Now, the only real option in this case was to check-in and provide advice. But to do that would in some ways inflict my own anxiety on my child. I have done enough work now to recognize that. And it is certainly not what I wanted to do.
Our generation of parents is responsible for the incredible ramp-up of our kids’ schedules and responsibilities. Late baby-boomers and Generation X parents supported increasing our level involvement with and for our kids. We are actually to blame that our kids must start organized sports at a time when they used to be playing carefree in the neighborhood. We are the ones that drove schedules that make family dinners difficult and down-time a thing of the past. And we are the ones who created a life that involves so much pressure that we have to take on the role of orchestrator. Our kids cannot manage all the activities and pressures of school without our help. That shift in parenting continued to be reinforced with societal changes. The ability to be connected to our kids through cell phones at any given time created a lack of boundary that only reinforced that kind of reliance of our kids on our ability to organize, problem-solve and intervene. Make no mistake, we as a generation, have done it out of love and desire to provide the best for our kids. I am afraid we have limited their natural ability to learn how to manage life’s challenges. More importantly, as we continue to reinforce their reliance on us, we prevent their ability to learn to rely on themselves and develop the reliance on God. That is exactly in conflict with our ultimate desire which is for them to live their best lives.
I am absolutely guilty of all of this. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not have to experience pain. Often out of guilt from divorce and my work schedule, I would get overly involved and have had a hard time consciously stepping back as they grow up and should be taking on more responsibility. I do often operate out of fear which has only increased by watching my oldest struggle with addiction. But, I have also learned that my intervention, although well-intended, prevents them the honor and respect of solving their own problems. That experience is valuable and necessary for our kids to grow into strong, capable adults. So, this week, I really tried to limit my involvement and provide love and encouragement reinforcing that this is my child’s decision and issue to resolve. We expressed our support and we are here if our advice or help is requested. So, that is the good part of the story. But as I said earlier, I am on a journey and God is teaching. Although, I was choosing to do things differently, my feelings didn’t automatically become one of peace. I felt worry and even anger that my child was experiencing these issues. The primary reason I felt these emotions was that I wasn’t trusting that God was doing a good work in my child’s life through adversity. There is a concept that we discuss in Alanon that is “detaching with love”. It is hard to detach from your child’s circumstances with love, if you don’t truly trust that God loves your child and is walking the path with your child. If that trust is strong, you can be available to love and support but not carry the full weight of their burden. I have also recognized that I not only carry the weight of the burden but project my own outcomes and often carry the burden of my own imagination which is heavier than what they are experiencing. Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it, but is so easy to do. If I don’t turn my life, my will, and my circumstances including my children’s over to God then I do turn them over to something. That something looks like anger and fear for me. That is not a life that I want to continue to live.
I have also picked up a cold in the past few days and have not felt well. So, after a long work week, the weight of the emotions, and not feeling physically well, I really didn’t want to run yesterday. I needed to run in part to meet my goals and in part to demonstrate that I can push through my emotional state. And, I knew that exercise is always helpful in relieving the weight that comes from negative emotions. There are times when we have to think through what self-care means in a particular circumstance. We also have to accept that self-care is not self-indulgent but necessary for us to be our best selves including our best ability to parent. I was carrying the weight of my child’s situation that was taking the energy away from focusing on my life and my other commitments. My child was handling it better than I was and following through on commitments. I was the one who was shutting down. So, instead of crawling in the bed and withdrawing disguised as a nap, I got on my running clothes and ran through the better part of the first 3 quarters of the Ole Miss Football game. Amazingly, I felt better and actually ran 13 miles which is my longest run yet! I detached from circumstance and pushed through my emotional barriers. And, I am better today. I may still slip back but I have this lesson as a reminder. Life is a journey and our lessons enrich that journey every step! I need to remember for me as well as for my children.
So, I leave you with what I am focused on today:
GOD HAS GOT IT!
TRUST HIS OUTCOME!
DETACH WITH LOVE!
And I run today choosing to turn my circumstances and my children’s over to God.
But last week, I received a note from a friend that said she had read the blog and wished she was at the same place. The first thing I want to be clear about is that I am still struggling to live life in alignment with the truths that I am learning. I am working to incorporate what I am learning but it still is a process that includes reacting, awareness, and decisions to adjust my behavior. The beauty is that I recognize more quickly when I begin to spin or obsess or enable. Once that happens, I can choose to do things differently. Sometimes those are just baby steps. Because this is a journey, the terrain is more difficult at times and the speed and success with which I traverse that terrain varies. There are certainly times when my emotions do not catch up to my actions even when I make healthier choices in terms of how I engage. The good news is that I am learning that I can still choose to do things differently even when I feel fear. That is different behavior than when I would let my fear catapult me into self-reliance and control mode.
This week I have been challenged to take last week’s lesson to trust that “God has got it” and continue to apply it. There were issues with one of my children who was struggling with some tough decisions. There were significant ramifications tied to this decision including how life was aligning with this child’s values. It tears at a mother’s heart to hear the struggle in the sound of your child’s voice. It is easy to play out potential issues in your mind that will arise if the decision is not handled well. For me, the cycle of worry then begins and the need to intervene in some way. Now, the only real option in this case was to check-in and provide advice. But to do that would in some ways inflict my own anxiety on my child. I have done enough work now to recognize that. And it is certainly not what I wanted to do.
Our generation of parents is responsible for the incredible ramp-up of our kids’ schedules and responsibilities. Late baby-boomers and Generation X parents supported increasing our level involvement with and for our kids. We are actually to blame that our kids must start organized sports at a time when they used to be playing carefree in the neighborhood. We are the ones that drove schedules that make family dinners difficult and down-time a thing of the past. And we are the ones who created a life that involves so much pressure that we have to take on the role of orchestrator. Our kids cannot manage all the activities and pressures of school without our help. That shift in parenting continued to be reinforced with societal changes. The ability to be connected to our kids through cell phones at any given time created a lack of boundary that only reinforced that kind of reliance of our kids on our ability to organize, problem-solve and intervene. Make no mistake, we as a generation, have done it out of love and desire to provide the best for our kids. I am afraid we have limited their natural ability to learn how to manage life’s challenges. More importantly, as we continue to reinforce their reliance on us, we prevent their ability to learn to rely on themselves and develop the reliance on God. That is exactly in conflict with our ultimate desire which is for them to live their best lives.
I am absolutely guilty of all of this. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not have to experience pain. Often out of guilt from divorce and my work schedule, I would get overly involved and have had a hard time consciously stepping back as they grow up and should be taking on more responsibility. I do often operate out of fear which has only increased by watching my oldest struggle with addiction. But, I have also learned that my intervention, although well-intended, prevents them the honor and respect of solving their own problems. That experience is valuable and necessary for our kids to grow into strong, capable adults. So, this week, I really tried to limit my involvement and provide love and encouragement reinforcing that this is my child’s decision and issue to resolve. We expressed our support and we are here if our advice or help is requested. So, that is the good part of the story. But as I said earlier, I am on a journey and God is teaching. Although, I was choosing to do things differently, my feelings didn’t automatically become one of peace. I felt worry and even anger that my child was experiencing these issues. The primary reason I felt these emotions was that I wasn’t trusting that God was doing a good work in my child’s life through adversity. There is a concept that we discuss in Alanon that is “detaching with love”. It is hard to detach from your child’s circumstances with love, if you don’t truly trust that God loves your child and is walking the path with your child. If that trust is strong, you can be available to love and support but not carry the full weight of their burden. I have also recognized that I not only carry the weight of the burden but project my own outcomes and often carry the burden of my own imagination which is heavier than what they are experiencing. Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it, but is so easy to do. If I don’t turn my life, my will, and my circumstances including my children’s over to God then I do turn them over to something. That something looks like anger and fear for me. That is not a life that I want to continue to live.
I have also picked up a cold in the past few days and have not felt well. So, after a long work week, the weight of the emotions, and not feeling physically well, I really didn’t want to run yesterday. I needed to run in part to meet my goals and in part to demonstrate that I can push through my emotional state. And, I knew that exercise is always helpful in relieving the weight that comes from negative emotions. There are times when we have to think through what self-care means in a particular circumstance. We also have to accept that self-care is not self-indulgent but necessary for us to be our best selves including our best ability to parent. I was carrying the weight of my child’s situation that was taking the energy away from focusing on my life and my other commitments. My child was handling it better than I was and following through on commitments. I was the one who was shutting down. So, instead of crawling in the bed and withdrawing disguised as a nap, I got on my running clothes and ran through the better part of the first 3 quarters of the Ole Miss Football game. Amazingly, I felt better and actually ran 13 miles which is my longest run yet! I detached from circumstance and pushed through my emotional barriers. And, I am better today. I may still slip back but I have this lesson as a reminder. Life is a journey and our lessons enrich that journey every step! I need to remember for me as well as for my children.
So, I leave you with what I am focused on today:
TRUST HIS OUTCOME!
DETACH WITH LOVE!
And I run today choosing to turn my circumstances and my children’s over to God.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Thank God, he has got this!
I am waking up feeling so much gratitude this morning. Certainly for blessings but really about how God showed off for me this week. I often pray just let me see your hand at work today. This week, I did a lot to try and take over his role in a situation with my younger son. My behavior suggested that I didn’t trust his hand although my words said otherwise. It happens so easily at times and sneaks up without you realizing that you have really moved into that control mode. With that comes burden that we were never meant to take on.
My younger son who just started at University of South Carolina decided that he wanted to go through Fraternity Rush. He did that taking into account a lot of considerations. He wants to be involved in Campus Ministries and had gotten a sense for which fraternities had active Christian boys involved. He wanted to do it despite not knowing anyone. As a friend said to me recently, everyone from 2 to 102 wants to belong somewhere. I get that. I was involved in a sorority when in college. It was a great experience for me. But, when you have one child who has struggled with addiction, you have concerns about activities your other children want to do. You want to protect them from this awful disease.
Well, the process began last week and we quickly learned there was the stated process and the real process. The first part was disappointing as the real process came to light. No real bad behavior but just made it more difficult if you don’t know people. So, I found myself wanting to help, protect his feelings, being concerned if he didn’t find a place and being concerned that he would. It was a swirl of emotions. I put the outcome on my “lay it on the altar” list which is meant to be an acknowledgement of the things that I need to turn over to God. I was saying what I knew to be truth. That God was really in control and he would manage this process with my son. But my behavior showed that I was definitely trying to control things. I also unintentionally was sending a message to my son that he couldn’t handle it. There was nothing in his approach that would indicate that. He had sought wise council on deciding to pursue this from his Christian friends and leaders. He had researched what groups might be supportive of his beliefs. And, he was putting it all in perspective. It was the mother who was struggling.
About mid-week, I woke up and thought this is crazy thinking. I prayed acknowledging that the story was already written, the events were orchestrated, and God is always good. So, I also prayed that I knew God would close the wrong windows and make light the right path. Then a day early, all three organizations that had been recommended because of having Christian boys, were engaging with my son. Two of them had already given most of their bids out in an early process. Then he got formal invitations from all three. The first invitation he received, he immediately connected to a guy active in fraternity ministries and then was introduced to many young men who were involved across campus in the various ministries. Now, who would have imagined that God would surround your child by Christian boys in an active dialogue during a Rush event. In fact, this particular fraternity has the most guys involved in all the campus ministries of any fraternities but had been clear that they had very little room at this point. But, God was working. Where there was no room, he made room. He connected these young men to my son and it was his affirmation that he could be in a fraternity and still be active in his faith goals. They did not know him except through some recommendations, his high school resume, and a few short conversations. But, I know God was clearing the way and honored my son’s desire. And, God demonstrated to me that he had it all along. There was no need to be fearful. I am thankful that I was reminded that my saying that “God has got it” is true in all things.
Now, I know that God is sovereign, all–powerful, and good all the time. I have had to trust in that with my oldest son’s sobriety. My next level of work is in the more routine, mundane parts of life. It is sometimes easier to trust in a crisis than in the day-to-day. Perhaps that comes from believing I can actually control the smaller issues. But the worry and the stress that comes from that again is a burden we were never meant to carry. It is like expending energy on a tug of war game. I give things over and then try very hard to take them back. But I am going to be the one that falls over because I was never meant to be in control. God is all-powerful not me. I was meant to live my life with my eyes and heart open to what God’s plan was. What if we woke up every day with a sense of wonder about what God was doing in our lives that day rather than ruminate about the past and worry about the future. I had a close friend say to me last week when I told her I was worried, “all we have is today”. I need to be present and grateful for what is going on in my life today. That same day, I had someone who knew nothing of this situation send me a link to a TED Talk by Louis Schwartzberg. It was a beautiful clip. Louis does time lapsed photography of flowers and you see life in nature moving. He said that when people see his photography they often say, “Oh My God.” He goes on to say that what that really means is:
OH- the beauty has captured your attention
MY- the beauty connects deep inside to your soul as a gateway to your inner voice
God- the beauty connects you to our desire for a personal journey with God that connects us to the celebration of life
He goes on to say that nature’s beauty is a gift that cultivates appreciation and gratitude. I know exactly what he means because that is how I feel as I sit at the beach watching the waves roll in and out. I feel connected to something much bigger than myself. I feel the presence of God. My burdens fade and I can breathe. I feel at peace.
Schwartzberg then provides a new clip building on the gratitude theme. It was touching. It reminded us that today is just “not another day”. Today is a gift fully unique and the appropriate response is gratitude. If you spend your day as if it is your first and last day, you will spend it well. When you look around and really open your eyes, you will see a unique sky, unique landscapes, unique weather, and unique faces with unique stories. That is being present! I have to believe you will see God’s hand with that level of intentional focus on the present. And if you experience the present and the gifts of God, it will flow to others through your eyes, your smile and your interaction- your presence. God will use it to bless others.
So, today I am filled with gratitude and wonder. God used a situation to teach me to trust. He is teaching me to be present. Feelings are human and sometimes all we can do is state what we know the truth is and pray. God will do the work to bring the peace. I don’t want to live my life playing tug-of-war with God. I want to live following his lead in this dance called life. I want to live my life in the present and trust that God is at work. And to live looking for his handiwork, hearing his voice, seeing his hand is to live life with a sense of wonder. It is to live life without the burdens we were never meant to carry. And it is to live life knowing that “Oh My God- You are right here and you have got this”. Halleluiah!!
Today I am definitely running with gratitude!!
My younger son who just started at University of South Carolina decided that he wanted to go through Fraternity Rush. He did that taking into account a lot of considerations. He wants to be involved in Campus Ministries and had gotten a sense for which fraternities had active Christian boys involved. He wanted to do it despite not knowing anyone. As a friend said to me recently, everyone from 2 to 102 wants to belong somewhere. I get that. I was involved in a sorority when in college. It was a great experience for me. But, when you have one child who has struggled with addiction, you have concerns about activities your other children want to do. You want to protect them from this awful disease.
Well, the process began last week and we quickly learned there was the stated process and the real process. The first part was disappointing as the real process came to light. No real bad behavior but just made it more difficult if you don’t know people. So, I found myself wanting to help, protect his feelings, being concerned if he didn’t find a place and being concerned that he would. It was a swirl of emotions. I put the outcome on my “lay it on the altar” list which is meant to be an acknowledgement of the things that I need to turn over to God. I was saying what I knew to be truth. That God was really in control and he would manage this process with my son. But my behavior showed that I was definitely trying to control things. I also unintentionally was sending a message to my son that he couldn’t handle it. There was nothing in his approach that would indicate that. He had sought wise council on deciding to pursue this from his Christian friends and leaders. He had researched what groups might be supportive of his beliefs. And, he was putting it all in perspective. It was the mother who was struggling.
About mid-week, I woke up and thought this is crazy thinking. I prayed acknowledging that the story was already written, the events were orchestrated, and God is always good. So, I also prayed that I knew God would close the wrong windows and make light the right path. Then a day early, all three organizations that had been recommended because of having Christian boys, were engaging with my son. Two of them had already given most of their bids out in an early process. Then he got formal invitations from all three. The first invitation he received, he immediately connected to a guy active in fraternity ministries and then was introduced to many young men who were involved across campus in the various ministries. Now, who would have imagined that God would surround your child by Christian boys in an active dialogue during a Rush event. In fact, this particular fraternity has the most guys involved in all the campus ministries of any fraternities but had been clear that they had very little room at this point. But, God was working. Where there was no room, he made room. He connected these young men to my son and it was his affirmation that he could be in a fraternity and still be active in his faith goals. They did not know him except through some recommendations, his high school resume, and a few short conversations. But, I know God was clearing the way and honored my son’s desire. And, God demonstrated to me that he had it all along. There was no need to be fearful. I am thankful that I was reminded that my saying that “God has got it” is true in all things.
Now, I know that God is sovereign, all–powerful, and good all the time. I have had to trust in that with my oldest son’s sobriety. My next level of work is in the more routine, mundane parts of life. It is sometimes easier to trust in a crisis than in the day-to-day. Perhaps that comes from believing I can actually control the smaller issues. But the worry and the stress that comes from that again is a burden we were never meant to carry. It is like expending energy on a tug of war game. I give things over and then try very hard to take them back. But I am going to be the one that falls over because I was never meant to be in control. God is all-powerful not me. I was meant to live my life with my eyes and heart open to what God’s plan was. What if we woke up every day with a sense of wonder about what God was doing in our lives that day rather than ruminate about the past and worry about the future. I had a close friend say to me last week when I told her I was worried, “all we have is today”. I need to be present and grateful for what is going on in my life today. That same day, I had someone who knew nothing of this situation send me a link to a TED Talk by Louis Schwartzberg. It was a beautiful clip. Louis does time lapsed photography of flowers and you see life in nature moving. He said that when people see his photography they often say, “Oh My God.” He goes on to say that what that really means is:
OH- the beauty has captured your attention
MY- the beauty connects deep inside to your soul as a gateway to your inner voice
God- the beauty connects you to our desire for a personal journey with God that connects us to the celebration of life
He goes on to say that nature’s beauty is a gift that cultivates appreciation and gratitude. I know exactly what he means because that is how I feel as I sit at the beach watching the waves roll in and out. I feel connected to something much bigger than myself. I feel the presence of God. My burdens fade and I can breathe. I feel at peace.
Schwartzberg then provides a new clip building on the gratitude theme. It was touching. It reminded us that today is just “not another day”. Today is a gift fully unique and the appropriate response is gratitude. If you spend your day as if it is your first and last day, you will spend it well. When you look around and really open your eyes, you will see a unique sky, unique landscapes, unique weather, and unique faces with unique stories. That is being present! I have to believe you will see God’s hand with that level of intentional focus on the present. And if you experience the present and the gifts of God, it will flow to others through your eyes, your smile and your interaction- your presence. God will use it to bless others.
So, today I am filled with gratitude and wonder. God used a situation to teach me to trust. He is teaching me to be present. Feelings are human and sometimes all we can do is state what we know the truth is and pray. God will do the work to bring the peace. I don’t want to live my life playing tug-of-war with God. I want to live following his lead in this dance called life. I want to live my life in the present and trust that God is at work. And to live looking for his handiwork, hearing his voice, seeing his hand is to live life with a sense of wonder. It is to live life without the burdens we were never meant to carry. And it is to live life knowing that “Oh My God- You are right here and you have got this”. Halleluiah!!
Today I am definitely running with gratitude!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)