Simply Weary

My message today is a short and heavy one. I am simply weary.

Have you had those weeks when it seems every area is in some form of chaos? It hasn’t been chaos that is solely comprised of bad things. There has been a mix of gifts in with the challenges. Let me first acknowledge that in the end, I know it is all a gift whether or not it feels like it. And, it doesn’t feel like it much right at this moment.

Work has been incredibly stressful and will continue for a couple of months. My summer… So, much for having some relaxing time during time off before school. I am, however, grateful for a good job that allows for Young Life camps, college, etc. There is just so much that conflicts for me. I want to do a good job, manage my responsibilities and my family needs me. I know parents can relate to those moments that you feel unprepared or inadequate to care for those who have been placed in your life. And, how easy it is at that time, to fail to take care of you. And somehow, even in the limited time, I need to care for myself. I am weary.

My oldest has a new summer job that requires long hours and an early morning start. It is hard work 10-12 hours a day. Hard work is good but the transportation system doesn’t work well to get him to his job at 6:00 am and presents challenges to getting to his meetings in the evenings on the days when they don’t finish until 6:30. So, we agreed to allow him to use a car for next couple of months. Yesterday he left his house at 5:30 am to get to the Mega Bus and ride home four hours to Charlotte. I picked him up and he left 15 minutes after we got home to drive the four hours back to Atlanta to get to his second job by 4:00. He is working hard to be financially independent and do all that he needs to do to support his recovery. He is grateful for the job and happy to be financially independent. But, when I saw him, he was definitely tired. And I felt weary and worried.

Over the past few months, I have been wrestling with the separation that will occur in a month as my younger son goes off to college. We have a little mini practice session as he leaves to go to work crew at a Young Life Camp in the NC Mountains for 3 weeks. Unfortunately, he broke his hand last week, had surgery on Friday and still went yesterday to camp. He was committed to being a part of this experience. And I am truly grateful that his heart is so inclined. As I met with the camp EMT and we discussed his post-op requirements, the reality of how difficult the first half of camp weighed heavy on my mind. How will he ice his hand routinely? Will he manage his meds well? Who will help him get his bandages wrapped for showers? Of course, he will have to handle things like these at college so it is time to let go a little of my mothering role and let him assume his adult role. Fly little bird even if your Mom isn’t quite ready… Leaving him and driving the three hours back was hard. I left weary and concerned.

My sweet baby girl is also headed off today to a week at Young Life Camp in GA. She is very independent. She got all her stuff together with very little help from me. She worked until 9:00 last night and came home and finished last minute packing. All she needed for me to do was shift a load of clothes into the dryer. She even arranged a ride with a friend in the neighborhood which made me sad. I wanted to be at the buses and watch them leave. And yet, I am proud that she can handle things so well. And, I love that she is off for a great week with friends and to explore her faith. But, I am not quite ready for this little bird to fly away so easily. It occurred to me last night that my baby is going to separate from me earlier and easier than my boys did. As I got up early with her and watched her load into her ride, I felt weary and sad.

I sat in my bed last night just thinking about all that had happened in the past few days. How was I going to move beyond this weariness? I got a call from my oldest. He had just heard that an older man whom he met in treatment and cared about had committed suicide. How do you process that? My son said to me that his friend who had a successful business that he enjoyed, a beautiful home, and a wife he loved, could not stay sober. Then he said to me that people who think that addiction is just a lack of self-control rather than a disease should know his friend’s story. He loved his life outside of his alcoholism but struggled in his recovery battle. My son acknowledged that his friend had not been able to grasp his spiritual connection in his recovery work. The disease has to be tackled on all fronts- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Without faith, how do you have hope? Without hope, how can you be anything but weary with this life? Surely, to take one’s own life, the level of hopelessness and weariness must just be overwhelming. And as I sat there grieving for this man and how much pain as come into my son’s life tied to addiction, a verse came to mind that I sent him last year. Psalms 34: 4-7, “I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and He delivers them.”

I love this verse. I sought, He answered, He delivered, I called, He heard, He saved… Faces are not covered with shame but radiance….

And so, I will employ the “first things first” approach that Alanon speaks of. For me that is turning my burdens over to God. So, as I acknowledge my weariness, I will seek God. I have been down on my knees this morning. I will trust his promises to hear, to answer and to deliver. I will wait on him to renew my strength and transform this weariness to peace. And, I will take some time today to rest and to focus on the many blessings especially my four children. I found a poem that I wrote for them for Valentines 2010 that I will leave with you. Just reading it, I feel the transformation beginning. God is so gracious!

And I will run today with God’s strength not my own…

A Mother’s Love

A child of God; a blessing given
A mother’s love; a bond in living

A baby’s smile; a toddler’s beam
A wave of emotions; a mother’s dream
Your precious hands; your beautiful eyes
Your warmest hugs; your sweet goodbyes
Days in school; much knowledge gained
Life lessons learned; both happiness and pain

Our time too short; much more to do
But God knows best; his love is true
Time will tell what life will hold
No matter the path, a plan unfolds
God’s grace and mercy; our journeys shared
Our faith in God; our lives are spared

My days are richer; for all that you are
The happiness we’ve shared as bright as the stars
So, how to describe my love for you
Except to say God’s love renewed
For in his plan; he gave us one another
And he shows you his love through the heart of this mother

A child of God; a blessing given
This mother’s love; a bond in living