Changes in seasons brings changes in lives- and that's a good thing!

I have always loved a change in seasons. I am usually surprised how quickly the time passes but happy for the new opportunities or changes that each new season brings. And in terms of life, I used to say as the children grew up that I loved every phase. Even things like tantrums at 3 were just a phase and would pass quickly. They would learn to do and be something new shortly. Well, that is easy to say when they are little but harder as they get older. Time does pass quickly and new seasons bring joy and can also bring sadness. This has been one of those milestone weeks for both my middle son and for me as he prepares to leave for school. We attended his college orientation. The specific purpose was to provide information about the school, resources and get students registered for class. The bigger purpose, however, was the successful transition of the student. They reinforced a change in mindset that includes the following success factors: Approach college like a job, Go to class, Embrace the curriculum, Spend 3 hours a week for every hour spent in class, Understand expectations and set high personal goals, Learn to think and ask a lot of questions, Get connected, and Use your resources. They also reinforced that the specific knowledge gained and grades was not the most important learning that occurs during this time. It is the approach to thinking, learning about your personal passions and strengths through a variety of experiences, and learning to live on your own and work with others that makes for a successful adult.

Another area noted over and over is the significant role that a parent plays in the transition. They talked a lot about moving from an orchestrator to a coach. I know at a different school session that we sat through when we were visiting campuses; they really encouraged parents to begin that process during your child’s senior year. Two big areas they pushed were turning laundry over to your kids (which kids weren’t thrilled with) and eliminate curfews (which the parents weren’t thrilled with).Our generation of parents have been very involved perhaps to the detriment of our kids. We have scheduled, cajoled, and intervened in such a way that many of our kids regardless of their grades and activities are not equipped to manage on their own. A few years ago, I heard a long time educator from a well-respected private college talk about the shift she had seen in her incoming students. She said they would get their syllabus and call her asking a million questions about the deliverables and then wonder how they could possibly manage that. They would become overly stressed. She even had parents call and ask questions about that very document or ask to come and sit with the professor and the student. She said although kids coming in are among the brightest, they are often expecting to be spoon fed, needing a lot of structure provided for them, and haven’t had to work through their own challenges which makes college a very difficult transition.

The reality is that in part, in order for our child to grow into a competent, confident, and successful adult rather than a fearful, insecure or entitled adult, parents must deal with their own transition. So, what does it mean to transition? As I think about that, here is where my heart is leading and teaching me. My intent has always been to protect and support my children. If I am truthful though, it has been during the struggles that I personally learned the most and have grown as a person. Certainly, my parents’ character and teachings have assisted in the process. But it has really been my faith and struggling through the circumstance that allowed me to apply what they had taught me. So, when we do not let our children struggle, they don’t get the opportunity to apply or the confidence that comes from managing through a challenge personally and the increased faith that can result. It is hard to acknowledge that our loving intent can have a detrimental impact to our kids. I need to remember to think about the impact as I learn to engage differently as a coach with my son.

As a coach, we need to shift more as an advisor. That doesn’t mean that we no longer have expectations of our children. Communicate early what those expectations are as it relates to classwork, other activities, finances and areas of ongoing communication. But, we need to be careful not to have expectations that prevent the child from living out their life’s path and forces them into our version of how their adult life should go. They were created uniquely for their time on this earth. They should be encouraged to explore that so we must be open to their perspective on what they want to get out of their time in college. We should understand the resources that are available to our child and encourage them to leverage those resources. Help them deal with challenges through exploring ways to move through it. Be careful, not to jump to solution. It is theirs to solve with our support. I personally know how hard that can be to do…

Whether it is your first child or last child, your life changes as your role changes. Many of us define ourselves by our role as a parent. It is not all that we are though. It can be incredibly sad as that phase of our lives draws to a close. I have really had moments of sadness in the last week. As I filmed the last relay event of our summer swim championships yesterday, I cheered as my son's team took first place and then the tears flowed. I looked over at my friend whose son has been one of my son’s best buddies and has been on this relay team since they were 7. We are sad that this part of our lives with them is over. But, life is about seasons and this opens up to new opportunities. Time to explore other areas of interest or passion is often difficult to come by when you are raising children. But as they move on, we can focus on ourselves, building other relationships and finding other meaningful ways to contribute in this world. God’s plan for us is not done. We have a new season to experience. And, that does provide hope to me.

Lastly, I continue to focus on building my faith and trust that God is and will be with my son on that college campus. He has a plan for my son and is working it through despite future challenges and imperfect choices. This is an easy one for my head and a tough one for my heart. I sent another son off to college not so long ago with great joy and expectations. It ended up differently that I had hoped for. And yet, he is on a path and I know that God is with him. I have to hang on to that hope that God is leading my children even when they are not aware. He is moving towards all that he has promised for his children. I read a verse today that I will repeat often in the future found in Deuteronomy. The background is that God chose Joshua to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land after Moses. There were challenges and enemies before them. In Dt 31:6, Moses spoke to the people and Joshua saying “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.”

I realize that as I write this, these same learnings- actions can have loving intent but be detrimental, my life will change as my role changes, and I must build my faith and trust in order to actually shift how I demonstrate love for my child- actually perfectly apply to my experience with my older son’s addiction and recovery. I had a professional once say to me that "I was loving my child to death". The longer I do not hold him accountable and financially support him, the longer it will take for him to engage successfully in his own recovery. And, an addict does not always have time. I finally could not bear the possibility that my providing money was harming my child and could fund an overdose. And my managing the solution to a problem sent a message to him that he was not capable and reinforced the feelings of shame and inadequacies that already existed. He could still overdose but I would not be a part of it any longer. It ripped my heart out to see him struggle. And yet, 7 months later, he is making real progress on his own with me as a coach and supporter but not an orchestrator.

Also, as my role changed, so my life changed as well. I have been able through Alanon, this blog and other things to grow and add different activities, people and richness to my life. And lastly, it has absolutely been building my faith and trust. In the end, it is the only thing that provides peace for a mother of a child that struggles with addiction even when they are in recovery. My son and I are both growing in this new season of life.

So, my prayer today for all those parents, struggling adult children, or kids starting a new phase in life is “May you be strong and courageous and without fear, for the Lord goes before you and with you and never forsakes you as he leads you to your Promised Land and all that he has planned for you in this season.”

Today, I run in honor of my son's new season of life and mine….