Thank God! His ways are higher...

This has been a week of real contemplation for me. I have been doing Alanon step work focused on Step Three which specifically addresses deciding to turn my will and my life over to God. As a Christian, this seemed like an easy step to me when I originally read it. I guess it seemed straightforward because I turned my life over to God a long time ago. The reality is that I often still live my life like it is contingent on others rather than God. And, it is my will that really gets me in trouble. God has opened my eyes to this and taught me this week through my own struggles as well as others dealing with difficult circumstances.

At an Alanon meeting on Monday as we shared different things that we had going on, I told the group about a meltdown that I had over the weekend. I felt as though my kids did not appreciate anything I did. I raced home from work to get a dinner on the table only to find out later that everyone had made plans elsewhere for the second time that week. I asked for some chores to be done which had not been completed. Lastly, I had hoped for some time with the kids but they wanted to stay at their Dad’s over the weekend. Now much of this is very familiar to other parents of teenagers. But somehow, this time I read their behavior as a message that they don’t really love me or as much as others. And, they don’t really appreciate how hard I work to provide in every way for them. Lastly, they don’t even like me and won’t be here later in life…A little extreme, don’t you think? I took a little trip to “Crazy Town” and assumed the role of martyr with a capital M. I let them know just how hurt I was. They were completely caught off guard with the level of emotion that was then heaped on them. I clearly had projected the motivations of their heart, was frustrated by their plans, and expected their love to be demonstrated in the way that I wanted it to be and when I needed it. Lastly, I knew I should pray first and wait for a moment before reacting out of emotion, but thought I could handle it on my own. I was wrong. My timing, my strength, and my way equaled my will. This way of approaching life translated into hurt for both me and my kids.

I was still feeling unloved on Monday as I told that story even though I knew I had overreacted. My sponsor pulled me aside after the meeting. Knowing that I was working on Step Three, she suggested that I needed to think about who I had decided to turn my will or my life over to in this scenario. I bristled initially a little at her comment. Surely, she was not going to accuse me of turning my will over to my children. I had not given away my will. It was alive and well. I had however, given my life over in a way to my kids. Regardless, I was not focused on God in the midst. The reality is that I can lose my focus, my peace, and my joy when my plan is not met by others and my will is thwarted… As I paid attention to that this week, I see how often that really occurs. I have prayed that God would show me my shortcomings of the heart and provide encouragement to really “let go and let God”.

And, God has done just that. He has shown up in various ways all week creating awareness and teaching me through others. In order to even begin to trust God enough to turn over my life and will, I must accept and see his love for me. He started with a small child that Monday night. When my sponsor stopped to talk to me about the story that I had shared, the 3-year old grandchild of my friend looked over at me. She was precious and had crawled up between her grandmother and me on the coach during our meeting. I waved my fingers by my side to give a little hello but turned my attention to the conversation. The next thing I know, she came and put her little hand in mine. She held my hand until my sponsor finished talking to me and then quietly ran off. She doesn’t know me. This seems like a small thing but that little loving hand was just enough to allow me to let down my defenses and hear what my sponsor was saying. I felt God’s love through the hand of that child.

So, I wanted to share a few things that I have learned this week about shifting from my strength, my timing, and my way to God’s strength, His timing, and His way. I will start with My Strength. If I am truthful, I tend to operate in a mode of self-reliance more often than a conscious state of reliance on God. This was a tough week. I started the week in a very emotional spot. There was also a lot going on at work and at home. I had activities every night and was struggling to sleep. And, I was really struggling with worries. On Wednesday, I physically gave out and left work mid-afternoon. But, I was reminded of a gift that I had been given the day before when reading the words a dear friend struggling with cancer had shared. She, too, was weary physically and emotionally as she battled her circumstances. Her sweet daughter sent a note one morning that shared Isaiah 40:31, “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Then her sweet daughter said, “be an eagle today Mama”. It was a beautiful reminder that my strength is limited and not equipped to handle the circumstances of this world. But, my God’s is. Trusting in him and relying on his strength, we can all be eagles. We can walk, run, and soar no matter our circumstances. So, I pray for His Strength today.

My Timing- the hardest thing for me is to wait almost for anything. I want to know when, where and how something will be delivered as if the world revolves around me. It is clearly a control thing for me. I plan and hope things will occur in my timing and I worry until it resolves itself. I recognize this about myself. As I pray, I try to address this need for control with God and the corresponding worry. But I am continually challenged to trust that God is working in my life and the lives of my children especially when there is a need and God seems quiet. I really want to trust as I wait but often I still worry. This week, words from a man struggling with the waiting associated with cancer- waiting for test results, a treatment plan, and then waiting for results again- were taking its toll. But he heard a sermon about looking at life through segments of love-chances to love and be loved. So, rather than waiting for something to happen out in the future, be present and love your way through the waiting. Focusing on love will focus you on remaining in God as God is love. As we remain in God, we build trust in him to grace us in his timing. Isaiah 30:18, “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” So today, I thank God for his timing.



The final question that I struggled with is do I really trust God with the outcome? Can I put aside MY Plan and trust his way, His Plan. My head knows that God has it all. He created it and he is in control no matter what our circumstances are. Our God is bigger than any problem or circumstance. On this earth, we are often faced with problems that are bigger than we are. Dealing with addiction, is one of those problems. We try to help, support, discipline, cajole, or shame our loved ones into sobriety. It never works that way. I know for me that I really had to work at trusting God’s plan for my son. I wanted to take control and fix it. My plan didn’t work though. So, I learned that I had to accept the pervasiveness of the disease and turn it over to God. If your will and your life are focused on the disease, it is not possible to find your peace and joy. That comes from God so our focus must first be on God. This applies to other challenges as well like work issues, financial issues, and relationship issues. When our focus is externally driven on situations or people in our lives, our emotions can tend to rise and fall as things go. We have turned our lives over to our circumstances. There are times when my heart takes over and I want a certain outcome. But real peace and joy available through God is not dependent on our external circumstances or our plan. When things are particularly hard and we do not understand why, faith allows us to trust God that he is in control no matter what it looks like. So, I go back to this verse. Isaiah 55:8,9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, said the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Finally today, I praise God for HIS Perfect Plan.

I am hanging on to this very thought as we try to understand the unexpected death of a family friend yesterday. She was a mother to teenagers still at home and never woke up from an afternoon nap. How do you make sense of that? You can’t based on our limited understanding, I don’t understand the timing, I can’t fix the hurt for this family, and I can’t really understand while God called her home so young. But I have to trust that His timing is perfect, His strength is enough to give the family what they need to endure this loss, and that His plan is still working everything to the good in their lives even death. That is not an outcome that I would have ever chosen. But, I trust that no matter what God is in control. That is the hope of my faith. Because of that hope, I don’t have to understand but can rely on him. He has it!! Thankfully, today I live with the hope that I can turn my life and will over to God. He is trustworthy, all-powerful, and all-loving.

And so, although I run with a heavy heart this evening, I also run with hope!