I am writing today on the morning of my 51st birthday. I got a note first thing from an old friend asking if this was a big birthday or a little one. I joked back that after the big one last year that they are all big going forward… But, as I drank my coffee this morning, I began to think about the prior year. I was fortunate last year to get to spend time with my girlfriends on three different beach trips- one with my college roommates, one with my high school friends and one with my local friends. It was wonderful to get to celebrate with the women who have really been the fabric of my life. Believe me, there was lots of laughter and joy and a few tears when we touched on some of life’s challenges over the years. Life certainly takes some unanticipated and painful turns. I remember thinking after those trips that I had not had any kind of epiphany of how I need to shift my life over the next decade. But, I was incredibly grateful about the time spent with these special people and what I saw on my horizon- a missions trip to Africa with my son and his last year in high school, my oldest going back to college, my youngest and her many interests and visits to Ole Miss to see my daughter. There were a lot of milestones happening. I had a plan and it was unfolding or what I would later learn unraveling in certain places.
We tend to acknowledge milestones. It gives us an indication of progression towards our plan and affirmation that we are taking the right steps to get where we want to go. Don’t get me wrong that is not all bad but it all lies in our perception and motivations. This has been a couple of weeks or so of milestones for our family. My baby turned 17. We attended senior night for my son as he winds down school and focuses on heading to college. My daughter finished her sophomore year in college. I surpassed my halfway goal of running 1000 miles in a year. And finally, my oldest received his 6 month chip for 6 months of sobriety and finished his first semester back in school. And with each of these, brings a new set of actions and expectations. We make our plans and move forward.
But, life doesn’t always play out according to our plans. If I went back to my early adult age and articulated my expectations of life, it would have been an enhanced version of how I grew up. I would have wanted to replicate many things and change a few things to ensure more peace and happiness. I would have built on what I knew or what I considered normal. The picture would have been a lovely house, nice yard, kids who loved to study, wonderful dinner time conversations, and a mom (me) who had it all under control. I didn’t foresee the piles that stack up in the corner of the bedrooms, the ongoing battle with weeds in the yard, the constant reminding kids of their responsibilities, and the anxiety that comes with remembering to write some check or fill out some form for school on the last possible day to turn it in. I look around and see all that I have not done and feel I am barely keeping it together on most days. Believe me, my original plan certainly wouldn’t have included that or the death of one of my best friends, divorce, health issues for my children, financial loss when my employer went under, miscarriages, or addiction. You see our plans are not HIS plans and our ways or not HIS ways.
There are days when that reality smacks me right in the face. At that point, I have a choice to make. I love a quote from Mother Theresa that says, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today, Let us begin.” The danger to focusing on the past is that we live with sadness or regret and miss today. The danger of living focused on the future is that we live with fear and anxiety and miss today. And, today is all we have. If we miss today, we miss the ability to listen for where God is directing us, we miss the gifts and glimpses of God’s hand at work and we miss the ability to be God’s face and hands in this world…
Clearly, God is working in and through us regardless of our human weaknesses. So, when our perspective is skewed, he will teach us. When we are under pressure because life hits us with something we did not plan for, he will help us. And when we make mistakes, he will redeem them. It is through pressure that he calls us back to the truth that he is in control. And he has better plans than we can ever imagine. With God, all things are possible. I love that because it is bigger than the statement nothing is impossible. Using “impossible” says to me that anything within my human realm of thinking could happen. But everything is possible says to me that things beyond our wildest imagination are available to us through God. His Plan, His Power, and His Love provide for a rich life. Why do we choose to look at life through our small plans, our limited power, and our imperfect love? I wouldn’t have written my story with all the pain from the hardships that I have experienced. And yet, if I open my eyes to what has come from those and the experiences that I have gained, I see that God was at work to bring about something much bigger. CS Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.”
I mentioned at the beginning that at my 50th, I saw a plan unfolding, my plan. But my plan was really unraveling. My oldest was headed back to school which was relief to me and then he had his relapse. My other son was going through some personal turmoil. My daughter’s friends were beginning to make difficult choices…We were not on auto pilot towards my plan. But God was still in control. He turned a crisis for our family and my son into recovery. He provided the courage that allowed me a voice in these struggles through this running project and blog. With that voice has come a myriad of new connections and paths for my life that have enriched my life more than I can describe. My other son has learned courage to stand for his faith and has a much better foundation heading off to college. His life is being transformed. My daughter is learning big lessons by watching others. None of this would have happened without the pressure that comes when life moves outside our “ordinary” plans. Thank goodness that God didn’t leave me with ordinary but blessed me with extraordinary. I can look back and see how he has provided. No, I wouldn’t have planned for a divorce but was blessed with another daughter when I remarried. I would not have chosen to go through the loss of an employer but I was given a trip to China to speak and new opportunities. That was the beginning of my love for international experiences and led me to many other experiences like my trip to Africa. Those are “extraordinary” experiences that would have never been in my “ordinary” plan. I would not have chosen to have my son dealing with the pain of addiction but it has taught both of us so much and connected us to others through our shared experience. It is now my life's passion to educate and support.
I was talking to my oldest about milestones and how God’s plan is different than ours. He was happy about the 6 months but more interested on getting to 9 months. And even more importantly, he does not want to become complacent so it is a daily thing for him. He cannot dwell on the past and or focus too much on the future. With addiction, he has to be focused on the present. It is about one day at a time. He also mentioned that the AA big book talks about how we live our lives like we are the directors of a grand play and if everyone would do as we would have them, our lives would be much better. We then realize that this is not reality and that God has been the director the whole time. So, on my 51st birthday, I will reflect on the past with a spirit of learning and gratitude and look to the future with the hope that God has “extraordinary” things for my life. And, I will pray that I will live my life today not without a plan but a plan with openness to what God wants for me and what he created me to do. I will live my life with an expectancy and excitement (and relief) that God is in control.
So today, I will run with 500 miles under my belt and with gratitude for the extraordinary!
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