There are big transitions in our life stories that are common experiences. Transitions like stages of education, marriage, parenting, empty nests, aging, and retirement. Transitions that are anticipated or chosen and often shared experiences. They may seem like something straightforward that we can prepare for and yet it never really is. We carry with us our own stories and uniqueness like individual coping skills and personality traits that shape how we view the change. Also embedded are the conflicts, trauma, loss, and struggles that are unanticipated but meet us along the way. Our journey is full of sunshine and storms, straight paths and obstacles, impacts from choices and external circumstances. There are gifts to be found through it all even the hardships. Sometimes though, we are so focused on the struggle we fail to see the gifts.
For some reason, I have felt inadequate for as long as I can remember and that has impacted my experiences and choices along the way. There have been pivotal experiences that I carry with me, My family had a series losses when I was eight. We continued forward but I remember the grief that permeated that time. I had wonderful friends in college and never expected to lose someone precious to me the year after graduation. I got married at 22 naive and expecting the fairy tale which never materialized and was replaced with hurt and divorce. My youngest children experienced serious health crises before they even made it to 1st grade. And, my oldest after a series of his own health crises at 17 is left with addiction and now recovery in the aftermath. As a parent who didn't anticipate her own struggles, I certainly didn't anticipate the level of fear and sense of inadequacy that would come from trying to protect my own babies.
There are seasons. And even within seasons, there are chapters. Chapters that sneak up on you. Circumstances you never expected. Outcomes that leave you bruised or broken. Coping skills that may have served a purpose in your early years but fail to benefit you down the road. Feelings hidden in layers of facade until you cannot hide them anymore or they make you emotionally or physically sick. Chapters characterized by the weight of our burdens. The grief that comes from missed expectations or betrayal and loss. Choosing to respond rather than react when those hard chapters come takes work.
Turning 60, I anticipated transition. I have worked to prepare for it. Yet, there are the chapters within this season that are causing me to do the really hard work. To assess what burdens and emotions I continue to carry forward. To address the feelings of inadequacy and fear that have plagued my life. The last few weeks I have felt overwhelmed by the needs that surround me. I have struggled with that. A series of conversations with family, friends and work colleagues reminded me that we all have our struggles. I was at dinner by myself at a local bistro on Friday night. It was already busy at 5:30. I watched the faces across the room. I passed a woman walking outside clearly on an intense work call. She came in a few minutes later and sat with her friends. Only to walk out two more times on a phone call. The stress showed on her face. I saw an older woman (older than me!) sitting by herself eating. She looked sad and uncomfortable. I saw the woman who runs the bar and remembered a conversation several months ago. She was a single mom and talked about the challenges of making sure her baby sitters were in place at night when she worked. I wondered how her week had been. My waitress who was outgoing responded to my comment about how busy it was so early. Her comment was how happy she was to see the customers as the night before it had been surprisingly very slow. It was hard when you could not count on steady tips. The struggles of life.
I have wrestled with how to deal with the daily struggles and the hard chapters. I was reminded of the first lesson from a book I was reading- The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. While the title may sound morbid, the book was quite uplifting and a reminder of the choices we always have even at the darkest of times. One comment was the ability to surrender control of outcomes. Surrender could have the connotation of giving up. But surrendering control of that which we do have control of nor ever will is courageous. It can be liberating and allow you to focus on intentions that matter. Free up that space that the struggle consumes to allow you to not only receive love and support from others but to give it. Control is often a protection mechanism but instead it impacts our relationships and prevents us from really living in the present. So, sometimes simply accepting our circumstances allows us to live in them. Freedom to receive the gifts still available.
It reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling with God through the night. He had lived a life of struggles. One restless night in the desert, he was met with a stranger (God). He wrestled throughout the night demanding a blessing. He could not overcome the stranger though. Finally, God touched his hip and he could not longer wrestle. In that moment when he was left with nothing but surrender, he was ready to be blessed. I think back to other times of struggle. It was in the moments after I surrendered control when I could receive the blessings within the struggle. God told us to be still, stop struggling, and know that he is God. I can say now that while I would not have chosen the hard chapters, I have benefited from those struggles. My faith has grown. My empathy is deep. I survived hard times not on my strength alone but actually when I came to the end it- surrender.
The other gift to be grasped that is foundational to managing the hard times is to remember your value as a child of God. You were created with purpose and capacity to be love. You are worthy of love. It is not contingent on performance. Your path is about learning who you are and your relationship to the creator. Certainly we make wrong choices but we are more than our worst choice. Regret and guilt should be laid down. Others betray or hurt us; but, their behavior is not an indictment of our value. Bitterness and shame can be left behind. The great hope of the gospel is that we were loved enough that God sent his own son to take the burden of all our struggles, our choices and brokenness that comes from others. Mercy, forgiveness, grace and our value to God was on full display at the cross. It is the very place we can go to surrender the pain.
Our emotions are human. We have natural reactions but we can choose to respond differently to our struggles. We can surrender our outcomes in humility. We can know that there are gifts to be found in the hard times. Even in the loneliest of times, we can trust God has not left us. For all our pain or inadequacies, we are loved. Our burdens can be left at the foot of the cross. His power is sufficient for any circumstances we find ourselves experiencing. That is the freedom that allows us to stop struggling and accept the blessings intended. Our purpose becomes a heavenly purpose as our story unfolds and allows us to connect to others who are struggling. Strength is shared from weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
If you have a burden from which you continue to bear the weight , leave it at the foot of the cross. If you can't find a way, pray that another person will walk you there and remind you that there is freedom waiting. In weakness, there is strength to be found. And the journey continues...
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