Trusting God enough to detach with love!

I started documenting my journey 42 weeks ago. I thought that through both the running journey and writing about what I am learning, it would progress my recovery from this family disease of addiction. My hope was also that it would provide encouragement to others on a similar journey and connect us in a network of loving support. And, it has done that.

But last week, I received a note from a friend that said she had read the blog and wished she was at the same place. The first thing I want to be clear about is that I am still struggling to live life in alignment with the truths that I am learning. I am working to incorporate what I am learning but it still is a process that includes reacting, awareness, and decisions to adjust my behavior. The beauty is that I recognize more quickly when I begin to spin or obsess or enable. Once that happens, I can choose to do things differently. Sometimes those are just baby steps. Because this is a journey, the terrain is more difficult at times and the speed and success with which I traverse that terrain varies. There are certainly times when my emotions do not catch up to my actions even when I make healthier choices in terms of how I engage. The good news is that I am learning that I can still choose to do things differently even when I feel fear. That is different behavior than when I would let my fear catapult me into self-reliance and control mode.

This week I have been challenged to take last week’s lesson to trust that “God has got it” and continue to apply it. There were issues with one of my children who was struggling with some tough decisions. There were significant ramifications tied to this decision including how life was aligning with this child’s values. It tears at a mother’s heart to hear the struggle in the sound of your child’s voice. It is easy to play out potential issues in your mind that will arise if the decision is not handled well. For me, the cycle of worry then begins and the need to intervene in some way. Now, the only real option in this case was to check-in and provide advice. But to do that would in some ways inflict my own anxiety on my child. I have done enough work now to recognize that. And it is certainly not what I wanted to do.

Our generation of parents is responsible for the incredible ramp-up of our kids’ schedules and responsibilities. Late baby-boomers and Generation X parents supported increasing our level involvement with and for our kids. We are actually to blame that our kids must start organized sports at a time when they used to be playing carefree in the neighborhood. We are the ones that drove schedules that make family dinners difficult and down-time a thing of the past. And we are the ones who created a life that involves so much pressure that we have to take on the role of orchestrator. Our kids cannot manage all the activities and pressures of school without our help. That shift in parenting continued to be reinforced with societal changes. The ability to be connected to our kids through cell phones at any given time created a lack of boundary that only reinforced that kind of reliance of our kids on our ability to organize, problem-solve and intervene. Make no mistake, we as a generation, have done it out of love and desire to provide the best for our kids. I am afraid we have limited their natural ability to learn how to manage life’s challenges. More importantly, as we continue to reinforce their reliance on us, we prevent their ability to learn to rely on themselves and develop the reliance on God. That is exactly in conflict with our ultimate desire which is for them to live their best lives.

I am absolutely guilty of all of this. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not have to experience pain. Often out of guilt from divorce and my work schedule, I would get overly involved and have had a hard time consciously stepping back as they grow up and should be taking on more responsibility. I do often operate out of fear which has only increased by watching my oldest struggle with addiction. But, I have also learned that my intervention, although well-intended, prevents them the honor and respect of solving their own problems. That experience is valuable and necessary for our kids to grow into strong, capable adults. So, this week, I really tried to limit my involvement and provide love and encouragement reinforcing that this is my child’s decision and issue to resolve. We expressed our support and we are here if our advice or help is requested. So, that is the good part of the story. But as I said earlier, I am on a journey and God is teaching. Although, I was choosing to do things differently, my feelings didn’t automatically become one of peace. I felt worry and even anger that my child was experiencing these issues. The primary reason I felt these emotions was that I wasn’t trusting that God was doing a good work in my child’s life through adversity. There is a concept that we discuss in Alanon that is “detaching with love”. It is hard to detach from your child’s circumstances with love, if you don’t truly trust that God loves your child and is walking the path with your child. If that trust is strong, you can be available to love and support but not carry the full weight of their burden. I have also recognized that I not only carry the weight of the burden but project my own outcomes and often carry the burden of my own imagination which is heavier than what they are experiencing. Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it, but is so easy to do. If I don’t turn my life, my will, and my circumstances including my children’s over to God then I do turn them over to something. That something looks like anger and fear for me. That is not a life that I want to continue to live.

I have also picked up a cold in the past few days and have not felt well. So, after a long work week, the weight of the emotions, and not feeling physically well, I really didn’t want to run yesterday. I needed to run in part to meet my goals and in part to demonstrate that I can push through my emotional state. And, I knew that exercise is always helpful in relieving the weight that comes from negative emotions. There are times when we have to think through what self-care means in a particular circumstance. We also have to accept that self-care is not self-indulgent but necessary for us to be our best selves including our best ability to parent. I was carrying the weight of my child’s situation that was taking the energy away from focusing on my life and my other commitments. My child was handling it better than I was and following through on commitments. I was the one who was shutting down. So, instead of crawling in the bed and withdrawing disguised as a nap, I got on my running clothes and ran through the better part of the first 3 quarters of the Ole Miss Football game. Amazingly, I felt better and actually ran 13 miles which is my longest run yet! I detached from circumstance and pushed through my emotional barriers. And, I am better today. I may still slip back but I have this lesson as a reminder. Life is a journey and our lessons enrich that journey every step! I need to remember for me as well as for my children.

So, I leave you with what I am focused on today:

GOD HAS GOT IT!

TRUST HIS OUTCOME!

DETACH WITH LOVE!

And I run today choosing to turn my circumstances and my children’s over to God.

Thank God, he has got this!

I am waking up feeling so much gratitude this morning. Certainly for blessings but really about how God showed off for me this week. I often pray just let me see your hand at work today. This week, I did a lot to try and take over his role in a situation with my younger son. My behavior suggested that I didn’t trust his hand although my words said otherwise. It happens so easily at times and sneaks up without you realizing that you have really moved into that control mode. With that comes burden that we were never meant to take on.

My younger son who just started at University of South Carolina decided that he wanted to go through Fraternity Rush. He did that taking into account a lot of considerations. He wants to be involved in Campus Ministries and had gotten a sense for which fraternities had active Christian boys involved. He wanted to do it despite not knowing anyone. As a friend said to me recently, everyone from 2 to 102 wants to belong somewhere. I get that. I was involved in a sorority when in college. It was a great experience for me. But, when you have one child who has struggled with addiction, you have concerns about activities your other children want to do. You want to protect them from this awful disease.

Well, the process began last week and we quickly learned there was the stated process and the real process. The first part was disappointing as the real process came to light. No real bad behavior but just made it more difficult if you don’t know people. So, I found myself wanting to help, protect his feelings, being concerned if he didn’t find a place and being concerned that he would. It was a swirl of emotions. I put the outcome on my “lay it on the altar” list which is meant to be an acknowledgement of the things that I need to turn over to God. I was saying what I knew to be truth. That God was really in control and he would manage this process with my son. But my behavior showed that I was definitely trying to control things. I also unintentionally was sending a message to my son that he couldn’t handle it. There was nothing in his approach that would indicate that. He had sought wise council on deciding to pursue this from his Christian friends and leaders. He had researched what groups might be supportive of his beliefs. And, he was putting it all in perspective. It was the mother who was struggling.

About mid-week, I woke up and thought this is crazy thinking. I prayed acknowledging that the story was already written, the events were orchestrated, and God is always good. So, I also prayed that I knew God would close the wrong windows and make light the right path. Then a day early, all three organizations that had been recommended because of having Christian boys, were engaging with my son. Two of them had already given most of their bids out in an early process. Then he got formal invitations from all three. The first invitation he received, he immediately connected to a guy active in fraternity ministries and then was introduced to many young men who were involved across campus in the various ministries. Now, who would have imagined that God would surround your child by Christian boys in an active dialogue during a Rush event. In fact, this particular fraternity has the most guys involved in all the campus ministries of any fraternities but had been clear that they had very little room at this point. But, God was working. Where there was no room, he made room. He connected these young men to my son and it was his affirmation that he could be in a fraternity and still be active in his faith goals. They did not know him except through some recommendations, his high school resume, and a few short conversations. But, I know God was clearing the way and honored my son’s desire. And, God demonstrated to me that he had it all along. There was no need to be fearful. I am thankful that I was reminded that my saying that “God has got it” is true in all things.

Now, I know that God is sovereign, all–powerful, and good all the time. I have had to trust in that with my oldest son’s sobriety. My next level of work is in the more routine, mundane parts of life. It is sometimes easier to trust in a crisis than in the day-to-day. Perhaps that comes from believing I can actually control the smaller issues. But the worry and the stress that comes from that again is a burden we were never meant to carry. It is like expending energy on a tug of war game. I give things over and then try very hard to take them back. But I am going to be the one that falls over because I was never meant to be in control. God is all-powerful not me. I was meant to live my life with my eyes and heart open to what God’s plan was. What if we woke up every day with a sense of wonder about what God was doing in our lives that day rather than ruminate about the past and worry about the future. I had a close friend say to me last week when I told her I was worried, “all we have is today”. I need to be present and grateful for what is going on in my life today. That same day, I had someone who knew nothing of this situation send me a link to a TED Talk by Louis Schwartzberg. It was a beautiful clip. Louis does time lapsed photography of flowers and you see life in nature moving. He said that when people see his photography they often say, “Oh My God.” He goes on to say that what that really means is:

OH- the beauty has captured your attention

MY- the beauty connects deep inside to your soul as a gateway to your inner voice

God- the beauty connects you to our desire for a personal journey with God that connects us to the celebration of life

He goes on to say that nature’s beauty is a gift that cultivates appreciation and gratitude. I know exactly what he means because that is how I feel as I sit at the beach watching the waves roll in and out. I feel connected to something much bigger than myself. I feel the presence of God. My burdens fade and I can breathe. I feel at peace.

Schwartzberg then provides a new clip building on the gratitude theme. It was touching. It reminded us that today is just “not another day”. Today is a gift fully unique and the appropriate response is gratitude. If you spend your day as if it is your first and last day, you will spend it well. When you look around and really open your eyes, you will see a unique sky, unique landscapes, unique weather, and unique faces with unique stories. That is being present! I have to believe you will see God’s hand with that level of intentional focus on the present. And if you experience the present and the gifts of God, it will flow to others through your eyes, your smile and your interaction- your presence. God will use it to bless others.

So, today I am filled with gratitude and wonder. God used a situation to teach me to trust. He is teaching me to be present. Feelings are human and sometimes all we can do is state what we know the truth is and pray. God will do the work to bring the peace. I don’t want to live my life playing tug-of-war with God. I want to live following his lead in this dance called life. I want to live my life in the present and trust that God is at work. And to live looking for his handiwork, hearing his voice, seeing his hand is to live life with a sense of wonder. It is to live life without the burdens we were never meant to carry. And it is to live life knowing that “Oh My God- You are right here and you have got this”. Halleluiah!!

Today I am definitely running with gratitude!!