If I can just...

This week, we had some milestones to celebrate. I finished the first 12 weeks of my 1000 mile project. I actually surpassed the 250 mile mark and finished the week having logged 263 miles towards my 1000 mile goal. 250 miles was a kind of sub-goal for me to measure whether or not I was on track to accomplish my larger goal. When I realized that I would actually exceed it, I pushed to accomplish even more miles than my normal weekly goal. I was motivated by accomplishing and surpassing my goal. Even better, my son picked up his 90 day chip. He has been sober for 90 days as a result of the hard work and adherence to his program focusing on recovery in all areas of the disease- physical, mental, and spiritual. I asked him how he felt about his accomplishment. His answer was, “good but I have bigger plans than this chip!” So, this was a big week in the area of recovery for me and my son.

I also had the pleasure of being in my home state this week with an opportunity to see many of my friends and family. It was so much fun catching up and hearing about their lives. My age group is really going through transitions- kids to college, weddings, planning for the longer term care of parents, etc. And on a number of occasions, we talked about “if I can just get this kid graduated, I’ll be happy” or “if I can just get this done for the wedding, then I can relax”. The theme of “If I can just hit this goal, then I will be OK” replayed over and over again. It occurs to me that we spend a lot of time just striving to get the next thing crossed off our list with the expectation that life will be better or less stressful or more successful. And we just run from one milestone to the next.

One of my conversations was with an old friend who runs. We were talking about the symbolism of a race and how it reflects a lot about life’s journey. Sometimes you are full energy and make great progress. Other times, you are tired and slow down or need someone there at the corner cheering you on. And then, when you cross the finish line you feel great about achievement no matter how grueling. He was telling me about a half-marathon that he ran in New Orleans and just decided he would enjoy everything along the way. So, he stopped to take pictures, listen to a band, get food and just do what he needed to do or wanted to do. He paid attention to everything around him not just focused on finishing the race. Yes, there were times that it was hot and times he was cold. Times he was full energy and times he was tired. But as he told his story, it seemed his mindset allowed him to open his eyes to enjoy the world around him even has he tackled his journey.

I was reminded that there is more than the goal. There is the journey. And if we simply live from one goal to the next, we will miss out on the depth of the plan that God has for us. I remember being very relieved when I dropped my son off at rehab for the first time. I had been so scared and was grateful that he was under the care of experts for the next 90 days. I just wanted to make it to that 90 day mark. I was sure that if we could just make it to the 90 day mark, everything would be OK. I didn’t do what I needed to do to be at peace with whatever the next steps would be. And, I was devastated by the first relapse and the ones that followed. But addiction is a journey… It is a disease that is treatable but not curable. It can sneak back in even after long term sobriety. And, I need to both understand that truth and still live with hope as a mother and enjoy the moment.

We are on a journey. I really still want to be the one in control. I naturally write my own story about how it “should” work. Then, I am somehow surprised when it doesn’t work that way. But, the more I can change my mindset to running the journey that God has set before me rather than the one of my own personal creation, the more I can open my eyes and see God’s hand in action. I have heard someone say it is in the most hopeless places that God does his best work… So when the journey gets hard or you encounter an unexpected obstacle to your goals, peace comes from focusing on God and what he is calling us to do. God encourages us to do just this. In Hebrews, 12:1b, 2a “let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.”

So, there is more than just logging these miles for me. I can see that by the tremendous outpouring of support I have received since this blog went up and the ability to connect with others. And my son has faith that his life will be more than just achieving the next chip. We are both seeing God in action and our faith is building.

Hope and peace comes by shifting from the “if I only I can achieve this goal , then I will be OK” to “If only I can open my eyes to the journey God sets before, then I will trust God in my experience.” It is God that can bring triumphs out of trials.

Now, after a weekend of fun, I really need to run!