The Path to 60: What internal soundtracks are playing?

It’s hard to believe it’s been two months since the last post and now two months closer to this next big birthday. A birthday symbolic of entering a new season, certainly a new decade. The truth is I entered this new season well before this birthday will come. I have lived in anticipation or perhaps dread for awhile. You see, the changes have been underway for some time. Children building independent lives. Loved ones experiencing health challenges. My own loss of confidence in my physical appearance or sense of physical strength. Even my sense of purpose has felt diminished and unclear. 

The narrative playing in my head was driven out of a sense of loss and a lack of clarity. I began to wrestle with fear. Those messages began to replay over and over. I heard author, Jon Acuff, speak recently about “broken soundtracks”. He was actually talking about teenagers and negative self-talk. His advice to confront these negative messages was to ask the following questions:

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

I have read similar approaches to evaluating how we talk to one another. I have even challenged myself before on the the truth of my own narrative. Maybe even asked myself if certain self-talk was helpful or rather was it creating fear or distraction. But I don’t think I have been asking myself if I am treating myself kindly through my own self narrative. Maybe it’s being a mother or father, a wife or husband or even a boss. We have spent so much time encouraging others through change, we haven’t focused on the same for ourselves. 

So, here I am in the midst of change, approaching a new season- shifting roles, physical aging, redefining my purpose. And in order to combat my own subtle messaging focused on loss or fear, I have to remind myself of what I truly believe. I believe that life is sacred. Our journeys are sacred also. I believe we are creations of God with a purpose here in this world. That alone is the basis of our worth. Lastly, I believe we are both loved and loveable. 

And yet, sometimes my inner dialogue doesn’t reinforce those beliefs. Fear sneaks in and those messages undermine my fundamental beliefs. That self-imposed deception casts a shadow that can hide the hope that exists in the opportunity a new season brings. We don’t focus on the gift of time to explore who we are as God’s creation and the depth of God’s love found in pursuit of our purpose here on earth. We may not recognize the impact that can be created through our lives found in the wisdom gained and the knowledge of God’s character experienced through our journey. It is why each season is sacred. It is why we need to replace those “broken soundtracks”. 

I have been working with a personal coach on a project that I would like to take on. At some point early in that conversation, I questioned whether I had anything to contribute of value to others. She said simply, “you have your wisdom”. A lifetime of experiences creates insight and empathy. Wisdom to be shared. Since that time, what my narrative has switched to is what I have to give which is my energy, my time, and my wisdom found through experiences. So, when negative thoughts rise to the surface and especially to those of us approaching a new season, a big birthday, ask yourself is it true? Does it reflect what you believe? Are you so caught in the loss of one role, that you cannot see the opportunities that can be found in a new or evolving role. Is it helpful? Does it hold you back or propel you forward towards your purpose in this season. Finally, is it kind? Do you treat yourself with grace and love? Do you reinforce your worth through the quiet messages you tell yourself? 

Yes, our lives are changing. We will experience some loss and maybe even grief. And yet, I believe with all my heart that God is calling us forward. He is calling us towards our purpose which is a journey not a destination. Our purpose doesn’t slam shut at 60. Our depth becomes our compelling beauty. The internal beauty can outshine the external changes.  And as long as we still have breath, we are still on that journey. We have precious time, energy and wisdom to contribute. There will be opportunities to be blessed and to bless. Through thoughtful evaluation, prayers, or meditation, we can recognize those broken soundtracks and replace them with messages of love, worth, faith and hope. We can grow forward. We evolve our purpose and still have valuable impact in the lives around us. That is not contingent on any one role other than perhaps being a child of God. And, we can experience God more fully and live our lives reflecting that back to those who surround us. 

We are on a sacred journey… So, let our soundtracks reflect that!

Path to 60- wow!!

8 years ago I started this blog to reflect on my journey as a mom with a child struggling from addiction. Over the course of a year, I wrote weekly and ran over a 1000 miles. I shared my thoughts about my steps forward. Well sometimes, the steps were side ways, backwards or holding in place as I attempted to accept the both-and of life. Being authentic about the struggle but open to the gifts that also come in the struggle. It  was a year of great growth and faith and healing. It was sacred. 

Our stories are scared. They teach us, evolve us and connect us! 

Life continues. My children grew up. Finally, a little patch of grey hair began to show. Clerks started ask me (quite rudely!) if I qualified for the senior discount. I began to hear responses at work that suggested I was not the future. My career runway had dimmed. For that matter, my hearing has dimmed too! I can sing all the lyrics to “The Night Chicago Died” from 1974 but somehow I can’t remember what I served for dinner 2 days ago. I still do 5 mile walks but I am mighty stiff when I wake up in the morning. The worst is I see a different person in the mirror than I see a photograph. Time has moved on. A new season is underway.

During Covid this feeling of being in transition was deep and unnerving. My roles were changing. My nest was empty. For awhile my future looked like something that was more about getting smaller. It was setting dreams aside. There were feelings of regret. But mostly fear and lack of purpose and value. I was no longer that sweet natured, cute Chi Omega with good grades who had the world ahead of her. I was scared and sad. My journey lost direction. 

Over the past few months, I have been searching for ways to see the light of opportunity that a new season brings. I really believe that God still has a purpose and all the experiences and relationships to this point have made me who I am today in preparation for who he intends me to be tomorrow. In my first post on this blog, I wrote the following…”Learning each day is a new day and a new chance to address obstacles differently and to persevere through mental, spiritual and physical challenges. A new chance to reframe my thinking adding to that a new chance to reframe my life.” That is exactly what I am trying to do. 

Here I am months before I turn 60. I actually can’t fathom that it could be true but my birth certificate says so! Two of my closest friends celebrated their 60th this fall. The High School class of ‘81 has officially started the 60th birthday gauntlet. That just puts a fine point to this sense of transition. Two college friends passed away this summer. Time is precious. I really do want to push through this transition and pursue the decade of 60s as a time full of purpose, growth and laughter. I want to make a difference in this life. I want to spend time with people I love. I want to laugh and dance and travel and write. I want to hold with reverence the journey that God has led me on and gratitude for the people he placed in my life. I want to be an encourager and share whatever wisdom I have gained along the way. And I want to lay down the burdens of fear that I have carried along the way and replace that with peace and faith. I want to do it all with grace, authenticity and humor. Time is precious and I want to live life fully and present.

Have you felt that in some way too? Would you join me as I process this path to 60? I am going to write from time to time. I will share my journey. I have already started a list of words to explore- acceptance, boundaries, dreams, possibilities. It’s a new chapter underway. The story is still sacred. So together, let’s learn, evolve and connect in the pursuit of God’s ultimate purpose for each of us. Time is precious. People are precious.  Our stories are precious. A sacred journey…

Two Become One

 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one.” Genesis 2:24

On Saturday, almost a year exactly to the date they got engaged, my precious son, Tyler, vowed to become one with the love of his life, Caroline. It was a joyous and magical weekend. We have loved Caroline since the very beginning. She is an answer to my prayers for My son. They were a picture of joy and happiness. They were both surrounded in love and a visual expression of love. 

But now, vows have been said, rings exchanged, dancing has finished, friends and family have gone home and my children have set out on their new journey as husband and wife. Two families have a new connection and two precious people have become one in the eyes of God. And in a new way, my role as a mother changes. My heart opens up to a new daughter but my support role as a mom does begin to look different. They become the circle of love to each other. I now sit close but on the outside ready to support, encourage and reinforce their spirit bond. I didn’t think much about that as we prepared.

Now, I expected the need to rest after the wedding festivities. I even kept my beach rental for another week for that very reason. We had been working on this weekend on and off for a year. It never occurred to me that I might feel so emotional days afterwards. This was my first child to marry. But, I really didn’t expect to be flooded by emotion two and three days later. Everyone had left to go home. So, I got up early to the walk the beach that I love.  Here I was by myself, left with my own thoughts.

As I watched the waves roll in and out, I suddenly was overcome with emotion. Tears really caught me off guard. I felt both gratitude and yet this sense of letting go. I spent the better part of the year planning with them. It was perfect and now it’s over. Maybe it’s like the feeling after all the presents are open on Christmas Day. The let down that comes after the build-up. Or maybe and more likely, it’s just the change. The change in relationships, the change in focus, the change in life. 

Yes, life is full of changes. It is a journey that God lives in and through us. I am so happy that Tyler and Caroline found each other. And even happier that they had found their faith long before. They enter this journey with a strong foundation. That gives me peace and joy. It is like the picture of the ocean. Life’s waves come in and out and swirl at our feet. Sometimes it’s gentle and relaxing and sometimes with a force that can make us a bit unsteady. But at the horizon, you see calm. That is what faith brings. They have that horizon- their foundation.

So, as life’s waves roll out, more come in. What does God have in store not only for them but for this mother? Those are my thoughts starting first with gratitude about what was and is; and, then with anticipation of what will be. 

Sitting by myself at the water’s edge, I wipe my tears.  I slow my breathing, close me eyes, listen to the sounds of the ocean and pray. Not so much with words but more of an attitude of oneness. Worship, really. You see as the emotion subsided, it was replaced with calm.

 I was reminded that while marriage is a symbol of oneness, faith starts with first becoming individually one with the Spirit of God. That’s my spiritual horizon. My center of calm and peace. This was already a season of transition for me. This wedding was another reminder that our stories continue. They ebb and they flow. There is beauty to be found in memories of the past and certainly in anticipation of the future. But in the present, as a child of God, we are never alone. God’s gifts may be understood through the past; but, they are experienced in the present. 

 In faith, two become one. When waves roll in and out, just look to the horizon. There you will find peace, love and gratitude for all that life brings. You are reminded that God moves in and through you. Your story is revealed and is sacred. 

The waves become the rhythm that reminds us of that very thing. We are a part of a much bigger story. It is told in both the waves and the horizon. They are a part of the same creation. God’s creation. Two become one…

For that I am grateful. 

Sacred Journey: Season of Despair

 The last time I shared on this blog was right after Christmas, Dec 27th. Embedded in the first paragraph of that post were the following comments…

   “Our journeys belong to the Divine. Our stories are about uncovering who we were created to be- our purpose on this earth.”

I believe with all my heart that our journeys and therefore our stories are sacred. I recently posted on Facebook, that being sacred or holy is about being connected or consecrated to God. So no matter the circumstance, God’s Spirit is within and around, behind in our past and ahead in our future. We walk the path together. It’s all sacred…

Even when it doesn’t feel sacred. Even when it’s messy, confusing, painful, or simply a time of silence or isolation. God is both present and providing what we need when we need it.. In the post of December 27th, I alluded to what a challenging year it had been. I didn’t share all that I had been feeling. The fall of 2019, I was dealing with the inner turmoil that can come when one season is closing and a new one beginning but still unclear. The truth is I was saying goodbye to roles that had been core to my identity and purpose. What now was my purpose to be at 56? The world expects you life to shrink with age. I wasn’t ready for that. I knew that there new possibilities to be discovered. While I began to explore some things, I was also dealing with the burden that comes from areas and people in my life that needed healing. Years of prayer had not changed those circumstances. Then Covid…

Honestly, I didn’t do well with the isolation. I missed people, smiles, hugs, serving. My life was work upstairs in a bedroom that often started at 7am and finished at 10pm. My husband saw the toll it was taking. While everyone else was trying new things like cooking or reading or exercising, I was withdrawing. I wasn’t writing or reading which I love to do. I wasn’t exercising which I desperately needed to do. When I wasn’t working or doing household things, I sat in front of the TV to escape the loneliness and despair. It was numbing. I was just surviving the day. My faith was strong and yet God seemed very far away. I began to think about how I wished God would just call me home. Not in a suicidal way but in despair. I was weary and lonely. The spark was gone that comes from hope and passion. I felt like I was wandering in the desert, lost without a sense of direction. 

While God seemed far away, He was always right there. But, He let me wander for a while. He let me spend time in despair. Then little by little, he moved me. It was like little by little after a dark night, the early shadows of light come before the sunrise. I actually began to share that sense of wanting to go to Heaven with others. I knew it was not coming from the hope of our faith but rather the hopelessness of despair. Putting voice to it took some of the weight from it. Then, I got to spend time with friends at our High school reunion. Being with people you love and the laughter is healing. I started walking again and listening to podcasts. I reached out to my network. Little by little the despair has lessened. More light was invading the darkness. Maybe even some of the colors of the sunset began to show. 

Even still, the spark that I mentioned earlier was not there. I was still wandering the desert looking for clarity about my purpose, next season, joy… I somehow knew God had allowed this for my benefit. I knew there was something I was supposed to be learning during this season. But what? And then, in a simple set of texts, someone I grew up with joked about being almost 60. Two days later I woke up in what I guess was a panic attack with those words echoing in my mind. Time was precious and it was fleeting. I needed to move forward. I wanted to live a life of purpose and passion. I need to be doing things that have meaning.

 Then, last weekend I ran across a podcast and a book by Paula Faris. It was about faith and vocational calling. It resonated with me. I read the book and listened to 20 of her podcasts over the 4 days. As I walked on Sunday, I was listening to one of her podcasts which was an interview with Jenna Bush Hager. In the middle of that discussion, Jenna was talking about Covid and how our lives slowed down. She said, “it was a good thing, because slowing down gave us a chance to understand what actually filled us up.”I stopped in the middle of the street and rewound it and listened again. Being stripped down allows the chance to see what is important to you uniquely. That’s it!

 Suddenly, it all made sense to me. Peace came over me there on the streets of my neighborhood. I know exactly what fills me up. I have clarity on that.  The void gave me a chance to understand the importance of how he created me. The gifts and passions that he instilled in me at creation are core to who I am and my purpose. The despair was a chance to ultimately validate what is uniquely me. Understanding our faith calling ultimately informs how we invest our time and energy. God never left me. He used the slowing down of life to strip away the noise that comes from busyness. Now, I can focus with clarity. Connected to God and consecrated to his purpose. Holy and sacred even in times of despair.

I encourage you to read that Dec 27th blog. Just as my journey is sacred so is yours. God never leaves us. He knows the journey, our struggles, and is in the business of redeeming  what was ordained from the very beginning,

Psalm 139:16 “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Even seasons of despair. 

Our sacred journey home

It's two days after Christmas and I just said goodbye to the last child today heading back to their home. There's a sense of the journey its taken this year just to get to Christmas. Adjustments. Sadness. Isolation. And yet, Provision and blessings fill in between the lines of struggle. Over the years, I have written about my journey- the good and the bad, the gifts and the heartaches. I have held, sometimes clung, to the belief that our journeys are sacred no matter how we may feel, choices that we make or circumstances that we endure. Our journeys belong to the Divine. Our stories are about uncovering who we were created to be- our purpose on this earth. That process is sacred and leads us home. 

 As the quiet set in today, the contemplative process also began in anticipation of the New Year. What did I accomplish over the year? How did I love others or express gratitude? What did I learn that I can carry with me into the New Year? What are my hopes and dreams? How can I cling to the understanding of the sacredness of the journey despite the circumstances? 

 I think about the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years waiting to arrive in the Promised Land, home. It was a long journey full of miracles and hardships, wandering and battles, the awe of faith and the searching found in doubt. It was in God's timing and it was a sacred journey. God delivered on his promise but not without struggles. He used hardships to show his character and cultivate trust. By teaching the Israelites who he was, they could learn who he created them to be. Just like the Israelites, God does the same for us on our journeys. The wandering and mistakes really teach us reliance and grace. The times of want help us recognize and appreciate times of plenty. When we come to the end of ourselves, it allows us to be filled and to feel the power of the one who created us. The power of the Divine fills the weak. Each circumstance and lesson is a sacred part of the journey to home, the Promise Land. 

 I drove last weekend for a quick holiday visit with my parents. They live in a small town in Virginia. I lived there for a couple of years as a young child but have spent a lifetime of visits there. The house that was in my family for decades may belong to someone else now but it represents so many memories. Memories of my grandmother calling cows and buying us penny candy from the general store, ice skating on a frozen pond after a big snow storm, the birth of my brother, a summer trip in High School when I needed respite, saying a final goodbye to my aunt on her last night on earth and burying my grandmother. I can still walk in a store and see someone from my childhood. It is where my parents retired. And, it is a part of me. 

 I feel that familiarity every time I travel the roads to my new home which is really in the country. I see the farmers working the cattle and their fields. I love seeing riding lessons being given at the stable down the road. It touches me to see people care even for the smallest creatures like stopping on a country road to move a turtle to the other side so it didn't get hit. A community where small beautiful neighborhoods exist next to working farms and old churches. It is familiar to me because of my life experiences. It feels like home. And yet, not quite. But, a sense of community, hard work and beauty in the land is like a glimpse of heaven. It is because I take with me all my experiences on my journey. God intended them for me as he leads me into my purpose and towards home. My sacred journey. 

2020 has been challenging for me. There have been so many adjustments and isolation. And in many ways, it has felt like life was put on hold. It has been kind of like wandering the desert. I know for others, this year has come with great loss. While many losses can seem and feel so senseless, I find hope in the belief that there is always a glimmer of blessing that can come even at the darkest of times. There is more to our story than the worst choice, the biggest accomplishment, the greatest loss or the most amazing miracle. God still has plans for you and me- plans to give us a hope and a future. Sometimes those plans feel hard. Sometimes they feel like wandering in a desert. 

And yet, just like the Israelites, we are learning about the Divine and who we were created to be. The gifts and the struggles, the heartaches and the joy, and times of faith and doubt are all are a part of our sacred journey. We are all just working our way towards home. The more we take in the sacredness of the journey, the more we experience the Divine, the closer we feel to our real home. A glimpse of heaven come down to earth. 

 I hope you had a Merry Christmas and experience the sacredness of your journey in the New Year! 

 Much love, Sallie

What’s love got to do with it?

It’s Valentine’s Day...

I woke up feeling bad because I ordered a gift for the girls. It came later than expected so I didn’t get it in the mail in time. So, it will be late. Managing the boys as well and wishing I had gotten cards out to others. Feeling like a failure.

Expectations... Surely my family knows they are loved. But somehow missing expectations might just create a little wound. A sense of being forgotten. Then the mom guilt kicks in.

It’s now 3:30 pm and I still have some house cleaning to do. That’s how I spend my day off. We are having a nice dinner at home. In fact my husband is actually cooking dinner. But somehow I feel that if the house is a little cleaner, the dinner will somehow be more special. My expectations.

I just heard that over 27 billion dollars is spent for Valentines. Over-priced flowers, expensive dinners, gifts just weeks after Christmas, chocolates, cards, etc. It all adds up. And based on the line at Target this morning, I’m not surprised. Commercialization raises expectations.


Commercials in fact suggest that it should be a romantic evening. Tired mothers trying to gear up on a Friday night. Clueless or stressed husbands trying hard to show love. So much pressure to create a romantic expression of love on this day. Who set that expectation up?

Does this day not count for those who don’t have significant others? Those who don’t have children? What about those who can’t afford all that the world seems to say is required? Again, who set those expectations and how are we showing love to those who feel unloved?

Celebrating our relationships is important. It’s great to set time aside or give gifts. But shouldn’t it be a little more organic than just meeting expectations?

Love is the heartbeat of the world. Love is action-oriented. It is the human expression of the Divine. It connects us. And it is not just intended for those for whom we feel love. Our family. Our friends. It is more than the gifts. It is kindness. It is forgiveness. It is connecting with those who are different than us. It is reaching out to those who struggle. It is letting the lonely know they are not forgotten. It is a hug to those who are hurting. It is stepping into the loss and grief. It is restorative. It is healing. And, it is how God makes his presence known in and through us.

So, maybe on this Valentines Day, we can take a minute to think through how we can be an expression of love differently this year. How can we be the light that brings love to a hurting world. How can we create the powerful ripple that a loving expression can bring to a world in need of powerful healing.

God is love. And, we were created to hold the Spirit of God. So, be love. Not because it’s an expectation; but, because it is who we were created to be.

That’s what love has got to do with it!

Happy Valentines Day. Look for opportunities to make every day an expression of love.

A new year: releasing the burden

Here we are on the cusp of a new year, a new decade. Time to set a new focus. A new opportunity to grow. A time of hope and renewal. And yet, there is always this period of time between Christmas and New Years that I feel a little lost. Maybe it’s sadness. Some overwhelming sense of loss of time or even a little regret. This year has been no different.

I know God made me a person of words. Those words start as an unending stream of thoughts which lead to a myriad of feelings. Those personality tests focused on strengths reinforce that I am a collector of ideas but then need to weave those thoughts into a deeper understanding, a vision or strategy. I have to connect the ideas to something meaningful. That meaning connects to my faith, how I live my life and how I engage with those in my life. And so I write. I share my journey, what I am learning, in case it is helpful to others on their journey. And probably more importantly, I share because I have come to know that God is leading me on a journey to learn to trust him, to know him, and reflect his character back to those in my life.

Last year, I wrote a post about my focus for 2019. My goal was to be intentional about a change in perspective through:
* Being present to what God is doing in my life
* Accepting the peace found through the Spirit
* Claiming the power of God
* Pursuing God’s purpose for my life

The truth is I will carry those same areas of focus into 2020. I am not done with them and probably will never be. I had a lot to be thankful for over the last year. I spent special time with family and friends. I focused on my health. I learned from people in my community. I wrote. And I have reached out to support others in their journeys through coaching and a new Facebook group page for women. I am pursuing a new purpose in this season of life. I have seen God move this year in my life and the lives of others.

But even with all that I have to be grateful for, I have struggled to find words to describe how I want to pursue hope and joy in the coming year. Tonight though, I believe God is taking me further on a journey of growth and preparation. Some divine interactions- a radio program, an emotional personal exchange, some wise advice, and a book are catalysts for a new perspective. I began to connect the dots. To see meaning in those thoughts.

You see there is one place that I have failed to truly trust God. One place where my beliefs were being spoken but not being lived out. One place where I more often lived in fear rather than trust. A place like that for all of us is a place of burden and weariness. It is a place of heart brokenness and can cloud our hope. A place that we never feel like we are quite enough and yet we often cling to our supposed control. We strive to handle and refuse to relinquish the outcome. Or, at least that is my story. And I guess, God felt it was time for a little remedial training.

The reason I couldn’t find the words for my hope in 2020 was the burden I am carrying. Burdens come in a variety of forms. For me it is fear for my children. It has been my inability to release ones I love to God fully. I have continued to try to respond to them in the “right” way lecturing at times rather than voicing love and encouragement. And sometimes, if I am really honest, I have felt resentment or anger for the heartache that I am experiencing in response to their life struggles. That in and of itself is a burden.

What I believe is that the hills and valleys, the joys and tears, and the desert times are all sacred journeys between us and God. It is a sacred unveiling of God’s character, of how he created us and our purpose in this world. It is hard to pursue growth and experience hope when carrying burdens we were never meant to carry.

For me, it’s about releasing my loved ones to God. Honoring their sacred journey with God. I can’t lead that journey but I can enter into it through prayer. I need to find a way to love them and let God assume the burden of the pain and struggles. He has promised them plans to prosper and give hope and a future. He is the one revealing himself and guiding them along the journey. It is his role not mine.

He has also promised that when we are burdened and weary, he will give us rest. His yoke is easy and his burden light. In that, his Spirit offers freedom. And in that freedom, we are open to pursue who God is and what he has called us to do. Releasing the burden is the change in perspective that I want to pursue. I know that hope will be found in the freedom that comes from that. So, that is my vision for 2020.

If you are burdened by something, I hope that you find some encouragement in this to trade that burden for freedom. I wish you peace and joy and purpose in the coming year. With God all things are possible. Let’s live in that promise daily!