As I have written before, I have been anticipating a change for a couple of years now. The catalyst was turning 60. But there was a lot of internal shifting that began long before that birthday. An increasing awareness- awareness that my relationship with my kids was now different. An awareness that time is fleeting and I need to prioritize how I spend it. An awareness that my energy is not limitless and I need to preserve it. An awareness that the ups and downs and the resulting lessons and the myriad of experiences become a part of the journey not the destination. They become a part of who we are. Part of our beauty and depth.
Sometimes they hold us back. The gift, though, that could comes in those experiences is wisdom and an opportunity to move towards our purpose. The opportunity to learn about ourselves and about who God is. An opportunity to honor who he created us to be on this earth- a reflection of his character, his glory in a world that so badly needs it. A holy journey of love and restoration. A spiritual journey.
That all sounds good and rather deep. doesn't it? The truth is that the journey is hard at times. We often learn to survive but the thriving part is a bit more difficult. We try to be responsible but are challenged to feel we are firmly living life in our purpose. We may even have strong faith. But, we spend time trying to react appropriately to our circumstance behaving in a way that seems aligned with that faith. But, the quiet voices that we listen to may not be pushing us forward to see who we are and what God intended for us. Giving our life's plans over to an eternal plan. A heart response rather than a reaction to external circumstances or expectations.
Sometimes those quiet voices remind us of the pain we carry with us or the need to control our world. We feel "less than" or not equipped to be something different or somehow more than we are today. And sometimes, we exist in the in-between. The Spirit pulling us forward and the voice of inadequacy or fear holding us back. A lack of real acceptance that we were uniquely made and have a special place on this earth that no one else can fill. A lack of confidence that we have the strength to step forward into a new season. Or, maybe our faith is lacking a real trust. Stepping into what is unknown to look for what God has known and planned for from the very beginning.
If I am honest, I am sitting in the "in-between". I feel God moving me forward and helping me see how seasons of my journey are being woven together for something different. Something that allows my empty spaces, my cracks, to be filled with gold for a new beauty like the Japanese repair method, Kintsugi, used for broken pottery. Kintsugi means gold seams. They use this process to take chipped parts of treasured vessels and fills them with gold. The gold bonds the pieces together.
I am in the process of understanding the cracks and filling them with the gold that comes from understanding of truth, and love, and forgiveness. One of those cracks is that I carry with me a sense of being a nobody. For no reason that I can explain, I remember from an early age feeling invisible. Even in high school and college while I had alot of dear wonderful friends who love me to this day, I felt the same way the whole time I was in school. I loved them and yet somehow felt hidden behind all the beauty, and fun and wonderfulness of who they were as if I were hanging on their coattails. I thought I had set that feeling aside years ago. And yet, someone's recent reaction to me or rather lack of reaction, left me feeling again invisible or lacking to this person. I did not stay there for long. I have grown somehow in these last 60 years. But, clearly there was a crack that still needed to be filled with gold. In another situation, I had lost my voice in an effort to keep peace. I needed to acknowledge that my voice counted and express my thoughts and needs. Another crack to filled.
Somewhere in all of this authentic exploration of the in-between, I am moving from a sense of being a nobody to somebody. Not because I am something special by the world's standards but because I am a child of God. He created me for a purpose he has set aside uniquely for me. He has walked this journey ready to fill the cracks with gold. As he does that, he is healing a broken vessel ready to hold the richness of who he is truth, love, forgiveness, and restoration.
Please know I share my challenges and my faith journey to be an encouragement to others. I have spent a long time feeling like a nobody rather than a somebody, And really, what I have learned about myself is that I do believe that God will use my journey, my struggles, my gifts and weaknesses to be an encouragement to others who feel more like a nobody or invisible at the moment. Hurting people with cracks that can be filled with gold. The opportunity to share that you are a somebody because you belong to the One who is everything- Truth, Love and Light! There is beauty to be found in the brokenness- a cracked vessel filled with gold. That is the holiness of our journey.
