This blog was started about 5 years ago when I was in crisis and at a personal crossroads. My son was struggling with addiction. I had been taken to my knees with the realization that I could not control or cure it or protect him from this disease. He had his own battle to fight. I had to let him fight that battle along with God. I could love and encourage but I could not do the work on his behalf. The other realization was that I had been so committed to survival- his and mine- that I had lost sight of my purpose. So, with the help of a counselor, we started to peel back the protective layers that had come from years of survival, fear, and the need to control. He asked me what my dreams were. At first, I couldn’t even vocalize it. Finally, one afternoon, I quietly said that I wanted to write. The problem was I had nothing to write about. I remember he looked at me with wide eyes and repeated my words back to me- you have nothing to write about? As we talked, he reminded me that I had a story to tell- my own story. A sacred story.
At that point, God went to work on me. I was scared to open up to what I needed. But somehow, God stirred in me a willingness to step out in faith pursuing him and who he created me to be. I decided that I would commit to running a 1000 miles in a year to honor my son’s journey towards recovery. It was a goal that was challenging as I was not really a runner. I knew it would require perseverance and commitment and it did. I fully expected that there would be days that I wanted to quit and they came. The running not only symbolized my son’s journey but it honored mine as well. My other part of this commitment was to write about my experiences, challenges, blessings and what I was learning over the course of that year. I wanted to honor what God was doing in my life as well. And so, I ran and wrote. I ran over 1100 miles across 5 countries. But more importantly, I shared my heart including my struggles and the gifts of insight that God illuminated along the way. It changed me. It connected me to others. It taught me so much. And, it was truly sacred.
5 years later, I sit at another crossroad. We have new personal challenges to navigate. The makeup of our family is shifting. My career is narrowing. I am quite conscious of time. Again, I feel compelled to pursue what God has in store for me next. And, at the same time, it scares me. What if my desires are selfish? What if I pursue something new and fail? What if I’m too old and my time has passed to pursue new dreams? And finally, what will others think of me? A few days ago as I was driving by myself lost in the turmoil of these thoughts, the words that came to me were- “the year I ran a 1000 miles”. Sometimes that’s how a writing topic comes to me. A phrase will come to mind. I know it means something and I wait. This time, it was meant to be more than a title of a post. It was a reminder of what God taught me the year I ran a 1000 miles. It is like the Israelites who forgot their rescue from Egypt or the parting of the Red Sea. I have been at a crossroad before. A different complement of circumstances but a crossroads of letting go and stepping out in faith nonetheless.
So, my goal is to read all the posts from that year again to remind myself what I learned along the way. A few big lessons immediately come to mind that I thought I'd share in case it’s helpful to you in your journey.
1. Sacrificial love is not meant to exclude your pursuit of who God created you to be.
He equipped you for a purpose. If you put that pursuit aside to live your life solely for others, you risk moving from a place of healthy love for others to a place of martyrdom. That can actually result in manipulating the situation in order to fill one’s own need rather than really support the other person. This was a hard realization for me. It was and still is difficult to let my son engage in his own struggles with God and move forward with my life. It was hard to accept that my love might actually be harmful to him while meeting my own desperate need to save him. But I learned that God has a plan to both show love to us and use each of us as a unique expression of grace in this world. It is actually in our circumstances that we experience the gift of grace. Focusing on awareness of what we learn then leads us to greater awareness of who God is in our lives. And it gave me a new way to express love not only to my son but others in my life including a whole new group of friends.
2. It’s ok to be vulnerable.
Certainly use wisdom here. But, I learned that it is a heavy burden to present an image that says, “I have it altogether”. The facade can actually isolate you from others or leave you in a very lonely place. Admitting to struggles, opens you up to receive love. God loves and supports us through others. His love is intended to connect us. Just as it opens us up to receive love, it connects us to others’ challenges. They see your vulnerability and suddenly they feel understood, less lonely. That connection allows you to share that love right back. I cannot tell you how many friends I have now who felt supported by my willingness to write about our struggles with addiction. They are the very people I feel able to reach out to now when I need to support.
3. Being present each day to the journey.
During that year of blogging, there was loss and grief, blessings and fun, obstacles and accomplishments. But running and blogging, kept me present to what God was doing in my life. I wasn’t on auto-pilot or in denial about my circumstances. I wasn’t overcome by loneliness or fear although I certainly felt it. I was being reconnected to my personal relationship with God. My pain was being healed. I was being restored. I was learning about who God was in my life and therefore who I am in him. I came to appreciate my story as a sacred story of God in the life of Sallie. I also came to understand the privilege of walking alongside others in their struggles and the gift of being God’s hands and feet to a hurting world.
Here I am at a crossroads again. This time I can remember what God taught me the year I ran a 1000 miles as He opens my eyes to where he leads me in this next season. I can move beyond fear and honor the journey. You see fear is just the catalyst to building faith. Faith allows me to be open to new opportunities. Those opportunities are the window to my purpose here on this earth. We are never too old to pursue our purpose. It really doesn’t matter what others think. God can make the impossible, possible!
If you are at a crossroads and need someone to walk alongside, first acknowledge that God is right there with you.
You have a story to tell. You have your own year of a 1000 miles so be present to it.
You have your own purpose. Seek it. Share it. Experience it.
Just like mine, your journey is a sacred journey.
Let me end by saying how grateful I am to those who encourage me, who read my writing, who pray my family, laugh with me and love me. You are the gift in my journey and expression of God’s love for me!
