It is good to write today. It is been awhile and my soul needs it. Writing is a place where I feel connected- connected to my heart, connected to God, and more connected to my relationships. You would think that I would prioritize it as it is my place of peace. So why not write? My life as you may have assessed over the past 6 months has been full of challenges. I had come off a year of seeing great growth and progress rising out of the ashes of disease and grief- progress in my life and progress in the lives of those who are closest to me. I felt and feel such gratitude for that time. And yet, I have let things separate me from what my heart needs over the past months. Surely, you can relate to those times when suddenly you lose your bearing a bit.
One thing is I certainly don’t want to go back to the ashes. And yet, as seasons often come and envelop us- obstacles, pain and grief come back in waves. And there you are again. For me, there have been challenges at work, loved ones struggling, health concerns, many deaths, grief, pain, and disappointment. Life has been hard. John 10:10a- “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy”, rings true to me. I feel under attack. I have lost my peace and my joy. I have lost my focus on caring for myself. I have lost my trust in God’s plan for my kids. I have lost my ability to reflect the characteristics of a child of God- love, peace, joy…
I was just at a women’s retreat. One of the first things we had to do was to write the state of my soul. My words were:
Aching, weary, and yearning for rest, peace, and joy
Sadness
On the bitter edge of collapsing- feel like I am imploding, melting under the pressure I feel
Want to feel the truth and not be pulled into the darkness of the lie
And yet, I grasp for my God…
The sad thing is that after our session, we moved into a small group. I was with women I do not know and we were asked to read our statements. I felt so bad as most of the comments were about feeling full. And as we came around, then I have to drop the bomb in the room. So, much for reflecting God to my small group. One big fat downer! The Thief has definitely been about stealing and destroying in my life. And yet, I am certain that sharing these words with this group was absolutely and perfectly orchestrated by God. God is all about the heart and truth. And so, I tearfully and a bit embarrassed, opened up about my life and where I was. Which takes me to the second half of John 10:10b “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” I want more than anything to have life to the full…
We are also taught that Christ is the truth, life and light. His light shines in the darkness. So, it occurs to me that the darkness settles in when our focus is rooted in the opposite of truth- a lie. I have been thinking a lot about what lies have taken root and act as a thief stealing my joy and peace. Those lies can be quite subtle. I am quite sure that I have not come up with everything that has infiltrated my thinking but here are just a few:
1. I need to handle everything and handle it well- The fallacy in this is that I was created to be reliant on God’s power. I was not made to be perfectly complete short of reliance on him. Besides, he created all of us with unique passions and strengths. Everybody has a role to play. We were not intended to spend our time on every opportunity that we see along the way. Why load myself my down with that expectation. God provides through all of his children and is waiting to take the load that we have. He wants us to rely on him. He promises that out of weakness comes strength.
2. My children’s challenges are my responsibility or evidence of my failures- My children are adults who absolutely know where I stand on things and have been taught right from wrong as well as the fundamentals of faith in Christ. They are now on a path ordained by God. He is walking that path with them, teaching them as they go. Seeds of faith can be planted but faith is built through trials and learning reliance on Christ. I gave them foundation. Their faith is a personal relationship with Christ not merely accepting mine. Why load myself with that burden? God can transform anything to the greater good even my parenting mistakes. He will teach my children about relationship through their trials.
3. I do not have a choice but to persevere even if it is taking its toll on me- Our journey takes twists and turns on us. Sometimes it is thrust upon us and sometimes we have to step out in faith and take the turn ourselves. This shows in a number of areas in my life. I believe once I have committed to something I cannot choose to move in a different direction even when the current situation is harmful or my desires and heart or telling me to make a new choice. That belief is not the truth. I should be focused on what God intends to do and that is likely to change along the way. Sometimes, I actually allow myself to feel like a martyr but the reality is that I always have a choice. Why load myself with that suffering? God loves me and created me for something special on this earth- maybe not by the world’s standards but in a way that will bring me joy and peace.
I definitely have more work to do. More exploration of my heart. And, more reliance on God. He sent Christ to die for me and you and redeem us for himself. We have access to the Creator of this world. The veil of separation was torn and I have the privilege to step before God and give my burdens over, seek his wisdom, and rely on his strength as do you. My life was and can continue to be transformed. And yes, I want to feel the truth and not be pulled into the darkness of the lie. I want to feel his presence and live the live I was created to live. I want to live in the awareness of the miraculous.
God knows the pressure I am under and he knows yours. He knows the sadness that comes from losing 5 friends in the past couple of months and he knows your grief too. He is actively engaged in our lives and the lives of those we love. Just as he can work all things to the good for us, he is at work in the lives of our loved ones. If you are feeling a lack of joy and peace, why load yourself down with that loss and sadness. Join me and asking God to reveal the lies that are keeping us from it. Let us remember that the thief is not more powerful than God. We are not meant to be destroyed but to live life to the full. Although I feel that my joy and peace, faith trust and the ability to reflect Christ have been lost. That in itself is a lie. I have access to all of that as a Child of God. I have been redeemed already. All I need to do is focus on the truth and it will be restored.
So, join me on the path of grasping for God and seeking his truth in all areas of life. There we will find our joy and peace! God promised that and he is always trustworthy!
