“Let your faith be greater than your fear. Sometimes you just have to act as if you are courageous.” These were the words of a wise woman spoken today in an Alanon meeting on the topic of courage. A little over a year ago, I was overwhelmed by my fear and sadness. I did not feel courageous but had to act as if… My son’s life was in the balance and so was mine.
He was living in his car, cold, hungry and going through withdrawals. And we knew we had to let him experience his bottom. To save him from his bottom would not save him from his addiction. We had to show our love by letting him come to recognize his own powerlessness and to turn to his one true source of power. I could no longer rescue him. He with the help of God would have to rescue himself. Believe me, that love didn’t feel very loving. I guess that’s why they call it tough love. And, it was tough on everyone involved.
During that dark time, I was wrestling with God myself. I was at my own bottom of despair. I knew that I had to step forward and do something positive to counter this pain. The idea to embark on this running and writing project was born. As you may recall if you read the first post, my plan was to run a 1000 miles in a year and document our journey and what God was teaching me along the way through this blog. Ultimately the goal was to honor what God was doing in our lives by telling our story. I yearned for this pain to be redeemed for something good. And so, I began to run and to write.
Here we are a year later. The biggest blessing this year is that my son committed to his recovery in a renewed way after he hit that bottom and was allowed to experience it in its fullness. He has made so many steps forward physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of his courage and grateful to God that my son’s story is being redeemed. I am also happy to say that I finished this project logging in 1,044 miles. It has been like running a virtual race. So many of you have cheered me on through your messages and texts and I did it!! Not bad for an old gal! I have been trying to come up with the words that would describe this last year for me. Here I am at the completion point of time bound project. I guess I want to end it with something like “that’s a wrap and take a bow…but then again…”
My son told me at his 9 month anniversary and again at his one-year anniversary that he was happy but it was just a mile marker. His journey continues and truthfully so does mine. But I need to mark this mile with some reflection. Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” I know we can be empowered by our circumstances. In the Bible, Paul tells us that in our weakness, we are made strong. And so, this morning, I sat down and read through all the blog entries. There was so much life revisited in those entries. There was illness, death, and laughter. There were friends and strangers who touched my life. There was insight. There was certainly pain and growth. There was God. And, I see my story- our story- being redeemed.
In the very first blog, my struggle was to accept the “both-and” of my circumstances. The questions of my heart were-
How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?
How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?
How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?
Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?
That last question is a big one. At that time, I truly did not know how to resolve the conflict. I only knew that I must figure it out somehow. That has been my journey over the last year. If I had to sum up what I have learned, it could be summed up in four words- humility, faith, gratitude and hope.
I asked my son what the biggest learning had been over the past year and he described humility. He said, “I had to accept that I couldn’t stay sober and move forward without God. I needed to get out of his way and let him lead my life.” He also talked about having to do things that he didn’t want to do but needed to. Things like taking on a new sponsee in the program and speaking in front of people. He said a very wise thing- that he knew that there was no growth to be had in his comfort zone and he needed to trust others and God as they pushed him out of it. For me, just to truly accept that I was powerless over my son’s disease and that my life had become unmanageable through all the dynamics that had formed and my desire to control was a humbling recognition. It really didn’t matter how hard I tried. It was my son’s battle to fight. Someone once said to me, “your son has a God and it is not you.” I, too, needed to get out of God’s way. So, this year has been a lesson in humility. And, I needed to shift my self-reliance to a God-reliance not only for me but for my son. Just being willing to admit that I sometimes live my life as if I were God was humbling. I believe humility is first step towards allowing our faith in the fact that He is good and in control to grow. Psalms 25:9- “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”
The truth is God is all-powerful. I don’t have to be because He is!
Faith is key to living life with peace in the midst of chaos. One of the topics in an earlier blog was the fact that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. God does not promise us a life without pain. But, he does promise us strength, grace, joy and peace. When you are in a season of darkness, it seems almost impossible to believe. I had to come to the realization that although I had believed since I was a child, I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t trust myself to be sufficient either but somehow I still tried to control my circumstances and my son’s rather than to trust God with them. It has been in the gravity of our situation that we had to learn to rely on God. There was no other way; and so, this year has been an exercise in trust. And, God has proved himself trustworthy over and over again. He has guided and provided in all kinds of scenarios. It is in my weakness that God’s power has shown through. 2 Corinthians 12:9-“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect is weakness.”
Not only is God trustworthy, the truth is God is sufficient and I don’t have to be because he is.
With humility, our eyes can be fixed in faith on what God is doing in the midst of our lives no matter the circumstances. When we fix our eyes, not on our circumstances but on God’s work- his grace shed in our lives we can see our blessings and feel gratitude. We are called to give thanks in all circumstances. This was hard for me at times. I think at the times that it was hardest, I was not living from a basis of trust in God’s perfect plan for me and my son. I could not always see his provision. But what has helped is the concept of God-sight in hindsight. Looking back over time and acknowledging our God was moving even when he seemed silent. That is our story. That is what I am grateful for. The Bible promises that our stories were ordained before one of our days came to be. With that I can honor my story and carry no shame. I have definitely had lessons in gratitude.
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The truth is God is gracious and merciful and I can be thankful in all because he is.
With humility, faith, and gratitude, there is hope. God is bigger than any situation, any bad choice, and any heartache. With hope, we have courage to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and live the next moment. God promises for those who have hope, he will renew their strength, they will soar, they will run and will not grow weary. In Romans, we are told that hope does not disappoint. So, the real answer to the question of how I both live a life of joy, peace and gratitude and still acknowledge my son’s circumstances or mine own is through Hope. I hang on to the belief that God can redeem anything. He is bigger and more powerful that anything I could do or could be done to me. And I hold that truth for my son and all my children.
Psalm 130-7 “Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.”
The truth is God is the Great Redeemer and I can live in hope because of that!
So, that’s a wrap now take a bow… and then again… my journey has just started.
My journey goes on. The last blog was about my struggles with current circumstances. I have more to learn about living my life with humility, faith, gratitude and hope. Every time I go to a bottom, a place of despair, it sends me right back to God, the Great Teacher. I will close this to say that I have been overwhelmed by the love and support expressed by so many of you who have followed along with this blog. You have shared your pain and your encouragement. God has used you as my inspiration. There have been times that my words were pretty raw or I was very candid about my imperfections. My hope is that my story, our story would touch others in a way that would be an encouragement. If you are struggling, find someone to reach out to. There is hope to be had. ANYTHING can be redeemed. God provides comfort through love spread among us. I know this. I experience this. If you are not struggling open your eyes and reach out to someone who is. You never know what joy or comfort you will bring with something even as small as a text. Sometimes all someone needs is to know they are not forgotten.
I cannot finish this without expressing thankfulness for my son’s recovery and being proud of his courage and willingness to have me so openly share. He is a very special young man with a remarkable story. I will honor him with a verse that I wrote in a longer poem-
“For he was his before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.
Wen- I love who you are and you are your story!
I will blog from time to time. I will run but likely not quite as much. I will be forever grateful for what this year has meant to me.
Still running the journey set before me!
