“My job is not to judge. My job is to love.”

Earlier this week, I read something on judgment. I tried to find it again this morning but cannot find exactly where it came from. However, I remember the ending very clearly. The author said, “My job is not to judge. My job is to love.” God is the judge and he was clear on his call to us to love. There is so much going on around us right now in the world. Things for me that go against my belief system. Arguments that are only won if the opposing side is portrayed as totally wrong or selfishly motivated. Real dangers to life as we know it. There are people who stand on righteous ground in front of cameras and then make human choices that are not consistent with their public position. And we judge… we do not love. It can sneak up on you. And, it can be subtle at times. Other times, we voice it clearly through our words and communicate it through our body language.

It is not something I aspire to do and yet I know there are times when I judge rather than love. I am human and don’t always know how to stand by my convictions and show love to those who go against those convictions or who do things that hurt me. It is also important to set boundaries and be authentic to our beliefs. But, when that becomes so rigid that we exclude a relational aspect to how we engage with others, then we lose our ability to engage others in love. Without that, we actually lose our ability to be a positive influence or encouragement. Surely though, I am not the only one who understands how hard this can be at times.

Refraining from judging and learning to act in love when dealing with addiction is particularly difficult. Early into our family’s journey with this disease, I was completely baffled and in many ways destroyed by this disease. There was a judging voice that rang constantly in my head. How could my son continue to make decisions that were so harmful to him and to our family? What is wrong with him? You see I didn’t understand the nature of the disease. I turned that same judgmental voice on myself. How did I not know that all the pain medication provided during his hospitalizations was setting him up for disaster? What kind of mother am I, that I didn’t recognize the danger signs earlier and further enabled the disease? I didn’t understand the family aspect of this disease, either. I judged. And, I experienced the judgment of others. There were those who thought my child was “one of those bad kids” or that my working outside of the home somehow set him up for failure. The reality was that I didn’t need their judgment. I had enough of that on my own. My son didn’t need our judgment. He definitely had enough of that on his own. What we needed was love.

And yet, even though I know this, there are times when I easily lapse into that place of judgment with my son still today. Just yesterday, he called me and we began discussing some plans for the next few months. The truth is that I believe I know better than he does how he should proceed. That is a judgment. It assumes that I know best. And, it does not honor what God is teaching him though his choices. I also hear our conversations through the lens of my own wounds that are still healing. So, I assume certain motivations. That is a judgment. It assumes that I am all-knowing, a mind-reader. It does not honor the transformation that God has been doing in his heart. Lastly, I still project the outcome and can quickly go to a place of fear. That is also a judgment. That really does not honor the fact that God has ordained the journey that we are on and is actively leading us. You see judgment comes from a myriad of faulty perspectives. It often assumes that someone else is less capable, knowledgeable or valuable than we are. Then judgment becomes a way to demonstrate just that. That is a really hard to thing to admit. But unless, we are ready to entertain that, it is difficult to move from a place of judging to loving. Let me be specific- unless I am ready to admit it, I cannot begin to shift my natural reaction from one of judging to one of loving.

Yesterday, when my son called, I didn’t make a conscious decision to judge. I fell into it naturally. He heard it in my tone and in my words. And, it shut the conversation down. Thankfully, I have done enough work and prayed enough, that when that still small voice spoke, I heard. I called my son back a few minutes later and we had a different conversation. A conversation that was productive, enlightening and loving. When I honored his journey and recognized his value, knowledge, and capability, I moved forward in love and he felt that. That doesn’t mean that I agree with every decision. And, it acknowledges that I really don’t have the perfect answer for him. Only God has that. It does, however, open up through love, the ability to enter into his journey and encourage him along the way.

Last night, I was watching the Ole Miss Rebels finish out a great win against Tennessee. After it was clear that there was enough of gap in the score to guarantee the outcome, Coach Freeze began to give some others a chance to get playing time and try some different plays. I don’t think he expected another score but there at the end of the game, we got another touchdown extending the score. The TV cameras flashed over to Coach Freeze who mouthed something like “oh, man” and shook his head. He clearly did not want to run up the score. Here he was now basically 7-0 against a team whose win-loss record against the Rebels was heavily weighted to their side over the recent past. He could have wanted to clearly show people who is the best team and be happy to drive the score up. It is obviously important to win but it appeared he saw no need to take advantage of this team and further demonstrate how much stronger the Rebels were this season. In my mind, that quick reaction was Coach Freeze’s character shining through. His natural reaction was one of valuing the opponent. It was a reaction of kindness. It suggests to me that he has a firmly rooted value system on how he will treat his opponents. And, it really touched me.

What I desire is that my natural reaction, just like Coach Freeze demonstrated last night, to be firmly rooted in my value system. And, I want my value system aligned with what God is calling me to do on this earth. And that is to love- not to judge!

Today, I will run with a desire to demonstrate love for others.

And I heard God's still small voice through the faces and voices of children in India

I am sitting on an airplane in the dark, 5 hours into a 14 hour flight from Abu Dhabi to Washington DC and on to Charlotte. This journey home will take almost 30 hours. In the past 15 days, I have worked in 3 countries, 4 locations and 5 hotels. And, I am weary. But, in the quiet, I decided to write. It has actually been awhile because of travel and family activities on the weekend and I have missed the quiet soul time. It takes the quiet for me to connect what God is doing in my life and hear what that still small voice wants to breathe into my being. The reminder that there is more to this life than what often consumes my attention. There is depth and beauty weaved throughout every moment in this life. There is joy and love ready when your eyes are open to it.

I had many blessings throughout this trip. But the culmination of this time was the opportunity to visit a school outside of Hyderabad India. My church has been actively involved in this school since it was just a God-inspired vision. I have been personally connected through student sponsorship and have wanted to visit for some time. It was a challenge to go as it was a long drive and I was leaving the hotel for the airport headed home at 2:15 am. But no matter how tired, I could not be so close and not see this miracle that God has engaged so many of us in. And so, Saturday after finishing a work offsite, friends from India and I set off on an hour and a half drive to visit with Pastor Caleb and the children. It is quite a trip to get there. In India, often the lanes don’t mean too much. Traffic is chaotic. They use horns instead of blinkers. We passed through construction and then finally a quiet, long bumpy dirt road in the dark. And then the school… The school was like a beacon of light in that darkness. But more than just a physical light in the darkness but a spiritual light!

We pulled up in front of the newly built, beautiful chapel. And I could see through the doors all the children sitting patiently on the floor waiting for our arrival. The minute we stepped out, I could feel the pulse of joy. I could see the love of Christ. I felt I was in a Holy place where God was at work. As we walked in, the children eyes lit up as they watched us come in. They knew I was from my church which bears the same name as the school. We are bonded as a community. We provide in love and they receive in love. And last night, they gave right back to me LOVE.

They sang and danced for us. They spoke passages from the Bible. They honored us and prayed for us. And on their knees, they sang the Lord’s Prayer at the end of the closing prayer. Those precious children’s voices singing touched me and my friend’s deeply. It brought tears to our eyes. And as we broke for dinner, these precious children surrounded me. They asked if I knew their sponsors. Their sponsors mean so much to them and their eyes lit up when I did. One of my best friends’s sponsored daughter kept coming back to me to let me know how much she loved my friend and asking how they were and would I hug them for her. They touched my hands and my blonde hair. They asked me my favorite colors and how many kids I had. I was surrounded by sweet children who wanted to know all about me. It was such a humbling and precious time. My heart was totally engaged with theirs. It took me back to my trip in Africa a year or so ago.

In Africa, my younger son and I were also surrounded by children on that mission’s trip. I remember asking my son after the first day, what struck him about the day. He said to me that he was touched by how little the children in Africa had and yet they were so joyful. And, I felt the same as I sat with these children last night. We have been so blessed where we live that we get distracted by it. At least for me, it is easy to lose perspective by all the excess and busy schedules. When much of it is stripped away, and your focus is on Christ and what he is providing and doing through you, his joy and peace flows through you. These children last night have been so blessed by being able to attend this school, build their chances for earthly success through education and most importantly reinforce their eternal success through the building of their faith. And joy was definitely flowing!

For those couple of hours, I slowed down and let God’s love flow in and through me. The rest of the pressures of life did not exist at that moment. I was present and I felt the hand of God. God has really been good to me in the past few years. He has sustained my heart even when it was breaking for my son. He has been teaching me about faith and to trust his sovereignty. And, he used my time at Stonebridge School last night to remind me that he is in control. He can build things that do not exist in order to provide for his children even connecting people halfway across the world. His hand is always there. I just need to look for it.

This idea of perspective had actually come to me earlier on my trip as I ran on the treadmill in Manila looking out over the streets. When you travel, you have to adapt to what the culture is. Often, moving through different countries, living in hotels, and trying to make your way through the day, you can be presented with challenges. It is not always easy and at different points, the lack of certain comforts can be frustrating and tiring. And before you know it, you get focused on those challenges and not on the blessings of the moment.

On this trip, I struggled adjusting my sleep patterns and was tired by so much travel, airports, different hotels, etc. I missed watching the news. I missed my family and being in easy and constant contact. And yet, I was aware of what a blessing it was to experience the different cultures. I got to work across the table with colleagues I mostly know through phone and email conversations. I got to be with work colleagues who have become my friends and meet new people. I was treated with such kindness in the hotels. It is all in how you set your perspective. I could have narrowed my focus on the lack of sleep or some of the perceived inconveniences and lack of certain comforts from home. I could have let myself get overwhelmed by all the things left undone because of my work schedule. But I didn’t and I was blessed by being present and opening my eyes to breadth and depth of this world he has created and all his children celebrating the differences.

Before I began writing, I went back to read the very first post I wrote on both-and thinking. I am so much further along today than when I was in that dark struggle almost a year ago. I am sure that I will feel struggle again. But, my perspective has definitely been changing. One of the sweetest questions asked last night was “what was my ambition?”. Well at 51, I don’t get asked that question anymore. It is more likely to be “what do you want to do when you retire”! My quick answer to this sweet child was to build my faith but I think it is really my hope to not stay narrowly focused on the challenge but open my eyes to the breadth of my life. I want to honor what God is doing in and through me. I want my life to be an expression of those children singing the Lord’s Prayer on their knees. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven... That is what God’s still small voice breathed into my being in India. Amen!

I will run this week in honor of all those precious children at Stonebridge School, the staff, and Pastor Caleb!

Trusting God enough to detach with love!

I started documenting my journey 42 weeks ago. I thought that through both the running journey and writing about what I am learning, it would progress my recovery from this family disease of addiction. My hope was also that it would provide encouragement to others on a similar journey and connect us in a network of loving support. And, it has done that.

But last week, I received a note from a friend that said she had read the blog and wished she was at the same place. The first thing I want to be clear about is that I am still struggling to live life in alignment with the truths that I am learning. I am working to incorporate what I am learning but it still is a process that includes reacting, awareness, and decisions to adjust my behavior. The beauty is that I recognize more quickly when I begin to spin or obsess or enable. Once that happens, I can choose to do things differently. Sometimes those are just baby steps. Because this is a journey, the terrain is more difficult at times and the speed and success with which I traverse that terrain varies. There are certainly times when my emotions do not catch up to my actions even when I make healthier choices in terms of how I engage. The good news is that I am learning that I can still choose to do things differently even when I feel fear. That is different behavior than when I would let my fear catapult me into self-reliance and control mode.

This week I have been challenged to take last week’s lesson to trust that “God has got it” and continue to apply it. There were issues with one of my children who was struggling with some tough decisions. There were significant ramifications tied to this decision including how life was aligning with this child’s values. It tears at a mother’s heart to hear the struggle in the sound of your child’s voice. It is easy to play out potential issues in your mind that will arise if the decision is not handled well. For me, the cycle of worry then begins and the need to intervene in some way. Now, the only real option in this case was to check-in and provide advice. But to do that would in some ways inflict my own anxiety on my child. I have done enough work now to recognize that. And it is certainly not what I wanted to do.

Our generation of parents is responsible for the incredible ramp-up of our kids’ schedules and responsibilities. Late baby-boomers and Generation X parents supported increasing our level involvement with and for our kids. We are actually to blame that our kids must start organized sports at a time when they used to be playing carefree in the neighborhood. We are the ones that drove schedules that make family dinners difficult and down-time a thing of the past. And we are the ones who created a life that involves so much pressure that we have to take on the role of orchestrator. Our kids cannot manage all the activities and pressures of school without our help. That shift in parenting continued to be reinforced with societal changes. The ability to be connected to our kids through cell phones at any given time created a lack of boundary that only reinforced that kind of reliance of our kids on our ability to organize, problem-solve and intervene. Make no mistake, we as a generation, have done it out of love and desire to provide the best for our kids. I am afraid we have limited their natural ability to learn how to manage life’s challenges. More importantly, as we continue to reinforce their reliance on us, we prevent their ability to learn to rely on themselves and develop the reliance on God. That is exactly in conflict with our ultimate desire which is for them to live their best lives.

I am absolutely guilty of all of this. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not have to experience pain. Often out of guilt from divorce and my work schedule, I would get overly involved and have had a hard time consciously stepping back as they grow up and should be taking on more responsibility. I do often operate out of fear which has only increased by watching my oldest struggle with addiction. But, I have also learned that my intervention, although well-intended, prevents them the honor and respect of solving their own problems. That experience is valuable and necessary for our kids to grow into strong, capable adults. So, this week, I really tried to limit my involvement and provide love and encouragement reinforcing that this is my child’s decision and issue to resolve. We expressed our support and we are here if our advice or help is requested. So, that is the good part of the story. But as I said earlier, I am on a journey and God is teaching. Although, I was choosing to do things differently, my feelings didn’t automatically become one of peace. I felt worry and even anger that my child was experiencing these issues. The primary reason I felt these emotions was that I wasn’t trusting that God was doing a good work in my child’s life through adversity. There is a concept that we discuss in Alanon that is “detaching with love”. It is hard to detach from your child’s circumstances with love, if you don’t truly trust that God loves your child and is walking the path with your child. If that trust is strong, you can be available to love and support but not carry the full weight of their burden. I have also recognized that I not only carry the weight of the burden but project my own outcomes and often carry the burden of my own imagination which is heavier than what they are experiencing. Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it, but is so easy to do. If I don’t turn my life, my will, and my circumstances including my children’s over to God then I do turn them over to something. That something looks like anger and fear for me. That is not a life that I want to continue to live.

I have also picked up a cold in the past few days and have not felt well. So, after a long work week, the weight of the emotions, and not feeling physically well, I really didn’t want to run yesterday. I needed to run in part to meet my goals and in part to demonstrate that I can push through my emotional state. And, I knew that exercise is always helpful in relieving the weight that comes from negative emotions. There are times when we have to think through what self-care means in a particular circumstance. We also have to accept that self-care is not self-indulgent but necessary for us to be our best selves including our best ability to parent. I was carrying the weight of my child’s situation that was taking the energy away from focusing on my life and my other commitments. My child was handling it better than I was and following through on commitments. I was the one who was shutting down. So, instead of crawling in the bed and withdrawing disguised as a nap, I got on my running clothes and ran through the better part of the first 3 quarters of the Ole Miss Football game. Amazingly, I felt better and actually ran 13 miles which is my longest run yet! I detached from circumstance and pushed through my emotional barriers. And, I am better today. I may still slip back but I have this lesson as a reminder. Life is a journey and our lessons enrich that journey every step! I need to remember for me as well as for my children.

So, I leave you with what I am focused on today:

GOD HAS GOT IT!

TRUST HIS OUTCOME!

DETACH WITH LOVE!

And I run today choosing to turn my circumstances and my children’s over to God.

Thank God, he has got this!

I am waking up feeling so much gratitude this morning. Certainly for blessings but really about how God showed off for me this week. I often pray just let me see your hand at work today. This week, I did a lot to try and take over his role in a situation with my younger son. My behavior suggested that I didn’t trust his hand although my words said otherwise. It happens so easily at times and sneaks up without you realizing that you have really moved into that control mode. With that comes burden that we were never meant to take on.

My younger son who just started at University of South Carolina decided that he wanted to go through Fraternity Rush. He did that taking into account a lot of considerations. He wants to be involved in Campus Ministries and had gotten a sense for which fraternities had active Christian boys involved. He wanted to do it despite not knowing anyone. As a friend said to me recently, everyone from 2 to 102 wants to belong somewhere. I get that. I was involved in a sorority when in college. It was a great experience for me. But, when you have one child who has struggled with addiction, you have concerns about activities your other children want to do. You want to protect them from this awful disease.

Well, the process began last week and we quickly learned there was the stated process and the real process. The first part was disappointing as the real process came to light. No real bad behavior but just made it more difficult if you don’t know people. So, I found myself wanting to help, protect his feelings, being concerned if he didn’t find a place and being concerned that he would. It was a swirl of emotions. I put the outcome on my “lay it on the altar” list which is meant to be an acknowledgement of the things that I need to turn over to God. I was saying what I knew to be truth. That God was really in control and he would manage this process with my son. But my behavior showed that I was definitely trying to control things. I also unintentionally was sending a message to my son that he couldn’t handle it. There was nothing in his approach that would indicate that. He had sought wise council on deciding to pursue this from his Christian friends and leaders. He had researched what groups might be supportive of his beliefs. And, he was putting it all in perspective. It was the mother who was struggling.

About mid-week, I woke up and thought this is crazy thinking. I prayed acknowledging that the story was already written, the events were orchestrated, and God is always good. So, I also prayed that I knew God would close the wrong windows and make light the right path. Then a day early, all three organizations that had been recommended because of having Christian boys, were engaging with my son. Two of them had already given most of their bids out in an early process. Then he got formal invitations from all three. The first invitation he received, he immediately connected to a guy active in fraternity ministries and then was introduced to many young men who were involved across campus in the various ministries. Now, who would have imagined that God would surround your child by Christian boys in an active dialogue during a Rush event. In fact, this particular fraternity has the most guys involved in all the campus ministries of any fraternities but had been clear that they had very little room at this point. But, God was working. Where there was no room, he made room. He connected these young men to my son and it was his affirmation that he could be in a fraternity and still be active in his faith goals. They did not know him except through some recommendations, his high school resume, and a few short conversations. But, I know God was clearing the way and honored my son’s desire. And, God demonstrated to me that he had it all along. There was no need to be fearful. I am thankful that I was reminded that my saying that “God has got it” is true in all things.

Now, I know that God is sovereign, all–powerful, and good all the time. I have had to trust in that with my oldest son’s sobriety. My next level of work is in the more routine, mundane parts of life. It is sometimes easier to trust in a crisis than in the day-to-day. Perhaps that comes from believing I can actually control the smaller issues. But the worry and the stress that comes from that again is a burden we were never meant to carry. It is like expending energy on a tug of war game. I give things over and then try very hard to take them back. But I am going to be the one that falls over because I was never meant to be in control. God is all-powerful not me. I was meant to live my life with my eyes and heart open to what God’s plan was. What if we woke up every day with a sense of wonder about what God was doing in our lives that day rather than ruminate about the past and worry about the future. I had a close friend say to me last week when I told her I was worried, “all we have is today”. I need to be present and grateful for what is going on in my life today. That same day, I had someone who knew nothing of this situation send me a link to a TED Talk by Louis Schwartzberg. It was a beautiful clip. Louis does time lapsed photography of flowers and you see life in nature moving. He said that when people see his photography they often say, “Oh My God.” He goes on to say that what that really means is:

OH- the beauty has captured your attention

MY- the beauty connects deep inside to your soul as a gateway to your inner voice

God- the beauty connects you to our desire for a personal journey with God that connects us to the celebration of life

He goes on to say that nature’s beauty is a gift that cultivates appreciation and gratitude. I know exactly what he means because that is how I feel as I sit at the beach watching the waves roll in and out. I feel connected to something much bigger than myself. I feel the presence of God. My burdens fade and I can breathe. I feel at peace.

Schwartzberg then provides a new clip building on the gratitude theme. It was touching. It reminded us that today is just “not another day”. Today is a gift fully unique and the appropriate response is gratitude. If you spend your day as if it is your first and last day, you will spend it well. When you look around and really open your eyes, you will see a unique sky, unique landscapes, unique weather, and unique faces with unique stories. That is being present! I have to believe you will see God’s hand with that level of intentional focus on the present. And if you experience the present and the gifts of God, it will flow to others through your eyes, your smile and your interaction- your presence. God will use it to bless others.

So, today I am filled with gratitude and wonder. God used a situation to teach me to trust. He is teaching me to be present. Feelings are human and sometimes all we can do is state what we know the truth is and pray. God will do the work to bring the peace. I don’t want to live my life playing tug-of-war with God. I want to live following his lead in this dance called life. I want to live my life in the present and trust that God is at work. And to live looking for his handiwork, hearing his voice, seeing his hand is to live life with a sense of wonder. It is to live life without the burdens we were never meant to carry. And it is to live life knowing that “Oh My God- You are right here and you have got this”. Halleluiah!!

Today I am definitely running with gratitude!!

It is well with my soul

I got up this Saturday morning and began to think about what I would write this weekend. It has been one of those periods where there has been so much sadness from suicides, accidental overdoses, and unexpected losses. The family from my home town for whom I asked for prayers last week did lose their son this week. Through Facebook, I got to see an outpouring of love that is almost indescribable. I can’t imagine what this actually felt like in the community given how touching it was from afar. It occurred to me that God was wrapping this family in his loving arms through his own children. How moving it must have been for that community to grieve, love and support each other, and cling to faith and prayer openly. What got demonstrated in different ways was there was more to this story than the death of this precious son. This child left not only an imprint on this community in his life and but now in his death. These grieving teenagers and their families have been forever impacted by the recognition that life is fleeting, there is strength in the bond of community, and faith brings hope and peace in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances. The truth is we all learn those lessons ultimately through our difficulties and tragedies not during times of prosperity. During the storms is when it gets seared into how we live our lives going forward. God redeems our tragedies in miraculous ways but ways we may not even ever see. But boy is that hopeful and healing! And, it brings peace out of the chaos.

So, this concept of peace has been on my mind. I was thinking about whether I should write about it this week. Then I got a precious note from a friend entitled Searching for Peace. That is it! God may not speak audibly but he does speak to our hearts and reinforces and directs our paths through our circumstances or through others. It is peace that I so desire. It is not happiness although that would be great. But, it is more than that- It is deeper and not contingent on circumstances or others. The feeling of happiness comes and goes. I yearn for the serenity that comes from a core faith that God is in control and even the bad can be redeemed. It is definitely a “soul thing.”

I have a favorite hymn- “It is Well With my Soul”. Just singing it brings tears to my eyes every single time. It touches me to the core- to my soul. The story of the writer, Horatio Spafford, is one of pain and grief. He lived in the latter part of the 1800s and first lost a son to Scarlet Fever. He was ruined financially when the Great Chicago Fire took place. While dealing with his business interests, he sent his wife with his four daughters on a ship to Europe. That ship sank and only his wife survived. On his way via ship to be with his grieving wife, he passed the area where his daughters perished and he wrote the words to this hymn. If you don’t know this hymn, please google it and listen. It will touch you. It is such an incredible expression of faith. I will quote a few verses that speak so beautifully to what could only be God-given peace in the middle of such tragedy.

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.

After confirming that it was peace I would write about today, I went to my normal Saturday morning Alanon meeting and the topic was serenity. There may be a technical difference but for me it was basically the same. And as usual, I walked away from that meeting with great wisdom around this topic so I thought I would share. The first is the concept of acceptance and surrender. That doesn’t mean to give up. It does meant to ”accept the things that I cannot change” and turn the rest over to God. I have actually started a “Lay it on the altar” journal. If there is something that I am worried about but cannot change, I write in this journal with space to come back later and document how God worked in the situation. There is not peace when we fight against something we have absolutely no control over. The concept of openness was also described as picturing ourselves with hands and arms opened and letting the power and the peace of God flow through rather than closing ourselves off. This also means honoring our feelings. You can grieve and still feel a sense of peace that God is at work. And lastly, there is a story in motion. A story of God’s miraculous provision was shared and the comment about how a circumstance does not have to be the end of the story. So, when we are faced with a difficulty, we can rest in the fact that there is more to the story. There is an ordained story and it is still unfolding.

I have seen tangible evidence of that this week in the life of the Wilbank’s family. Now this kind of peace in this kind of tragedy seems unattainable. The world view doesn’t support attainment of real peace. My feeling is the world view gets focused on personal achievement of happiness. If you are financially successful, then that should bring happiness. And it might for a time but it is not sustainable. Ask those that lost pensions and other financial resources in 2007 and 2008. The more you get done or acquire, the happier you are. I don’t know about you but we have evolved to such a pace it seems impossible to remain in the present and feel at peace. There is always another commitment to get to and an inability to do it all weighs heavy. It certainly doesn’t yield peace. And all that stuff, I can’t wait to get rid of it. It is a burden to me not a source of peace. One of my favorite verses is in John 14 as Christ’s encourages the disciples in anticipation of his betrayal and sacrifice on the cross. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” That is the peace that I desire. And, that peace is more than happiness. It is a deep abiding faith that speaks to my soul no matter the crashing waves or the darkness that comes. It is peace that also allows me to be present and see God’s hand and hear his voice. It is an assurance that enables me to say “It is well with my soul”.

I’ll leave you with a prayer that I wrote as a part of my Alanon work focused on turning my will and my life over to God.

Today, I acknowledge that I have focused on controlling my circumstances more than my soul perspective. I ask, Lord, that you will open my eyes to your plan for me and my hands to receive and give in love according to that plan. I ask that you will direct my feet to the path that you have ordained. I turn my circumstances over to you. I trust your strength and power. I honor the pain but choose your peace instead of suffering. And, I desire to exist in the knowledge and reality of your Love. Let your will be done.

And I run thanking God for his promise of a Peace that transcends all understanding!

God's grace reflected in our scars

One of the first things I read today was a post that a friend shared from the Christian band, Casting Crowns. It was talking about how we often go to church pretending that everything is fine; when in fact, we are beat up and wounded. And yet, church is the place for us to join together in our brokenness. It should be a safe place to be transparent about our journey. The comment that I loved the most from the band, I will quote directly. “Your scars are a road map to God’s grace in your life.” It just reinforces the beauty found in the pain when you believe that our scars reflect God’s grace.

That is such a precious thought to me and it takes me right to the gift of the cross. The scars of the cross provided the ultimate gift of grace. I am always amazed how we get to experience the meaning of the bigger gifts and lessons of Christ through the circumstances and the relationships in our lives. Maybe if we really believed and trusted our journey as a reflection of God’s grace, we would be better able to share the burdens that we and others carry.

I have been aware for a long time what a privilege it is when someone shares their heart with you. I had one of my special friends with whom I have reconnected exchange some messages last night and today mentioning that there was a lot swirling around in his mind. When I asked what was swirling around, he responded with great openness. By the end of that exchange, we acknowledged that our experiences open up a unique space to provide support to someone else who is walking a similar path. It is those same scars and grace that provide hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.

In order to be able to do that, there are a few lessons that come to mind. The first lesson is that we have to give ourselves a break. Your experience doesn’t have to be totally resolved and wrapped up in a bow to be valuable. It doesn’t even matter if you keep tripping over the same old stones like fear on the path. We all struggle with moving forward at times. There are lessons and gifts of grace that come even in that. It requires humility to acknowledge that we are weak or that our lives are imperfect. That’s ok. It gives God lots of runway to redeem the situation. So, release the burden of perfection, shame, or anything else you carry around that tells you that you are not equipped to support through sharing your story or brokenness. God can make a “Message out of Mess”. Our souls are created to yearn for the grace felt from being understood. Sometimes all somebody really needs is to feel understood and who best to do that than someone who has or is walking a similar path.

The second lesson is to listen for the opportunity to love somebody by engaging in their journey. I got to experience the blessing of this today. After church, I stopped by to have my nails done. A woman around my age came in with her mother to have a manicure done. I noticed that the daughter was quite careful with her mother and extremely loving. It could have been that they just always got along that way. However, I suspected that it was more than that.

It just so happened that the daughter finished 10 minutes or so before her mother and was sitting by me. So, I asked her if her mother lived with her. She ended up sharing that her mother had a quick onset of dementia after some successive surgeries that required anesthesia to which the doctors attribute her memory decline. She shared a bit about the challenge of losing the mother that she had known her whole life, finding her a new, safe environment for her mother, and the toll it had taken on her health as a result of the stress of it all. My heart was touched that she opened up to me like that. She ended on a note of love and heartfelt gratitude that she was thankful that there was place that cared for her mother well and was close by. I just responded that she was lucky to have her daughter. I watched her tears come and a big smile. She thanked me in a way I could tell that it was an encouragement to her. Maybe, it was an opportunity for her to share her burden for the moment. It was a moment that I felt was ordained. I heard God’s urging in my soul and reached out. Our souls are created to love and be an active tool of God’s grace. So, Listen for God’s urging in your soul. He calls us to love in the moment. And, sometimes, it’s a family member or friend and sometimes it’s a woman sitting next to you at the nail salon.

Lastly, trust that God is in the journey and that he’s not just there to catch you when you fall. He is in every step, supporting, teaching and guiding all along the way. It is so easy for me to lose sight of this. I have been working on Step 3 which talks about turning our will and our lives over to the care of God. As I was talking to my sponsor about how I have done over the last week since my younger son left for college. I mentioned that I was really struggling with not knowing what was going on. Did he have his books? Is it a challenge getting from one class to the other on time? How’s the food? And on and on… She kindly said to me, “I guess you’re still not turning over your will and life to God.”

And she was right. I have to trust that my son still has a parent there walking his path. This transition time is my journey. Regardless of the journey, the more you trust in God, the more you are able to see and experience his grace. And, the more you do that, the more you are willing to be transparent about the journey. You can see the beauty that rises from the ashes. Your soul is created to be in relationship with God. So trusting that God is in your journey with you, allows you to have faith that the scars of the journey will reflect God’s grace. When you know that, really know that, you are excited to be called in faith to enter into someone else’s journey no matter exactly where you are in yours!

With that said, I wanted to ask that you enter into some difficult journeys that I heard about yesterday from my home in Mississippi. Any of us can enter into these families’ journeys through prayer. There is young man who fell ill during a Friday night football game. He is in critical condition and not awake. The Wilbanks family needs your prayers. There have also been at least 5 kids hospitalized from Mississippi State University after smoking pot laced with a designer drug similar to LSD called N-bomb, 25I or Smiles. I read an article that said it could be the most deadly designer drug to date. Get educated and talk to your kids. I read one parent whose child told them that he smoked pot because he thought it was safer than alcohol. His pot was laced with this. All of it has the potential to be unsafe. These families do not know what the health outcome will be. There is sustained mania and other personality changes. The article said there are other long term effects outside of overdose that include seizures and kidney damage. This may sound a bit melodramatic but there is a drug war focused on our kids and there are enemies in this battle. We have got to battle back though our own education, educating our kids, and not dismissing behavior as normal adolescent behavior. It can be life and death.

So, I run today in support of these families and the difficult journey that they are on. Run with me through prayer!

Let the tears fall!

I woke up this Sunday morning just reflecting on the events of the past week. It was a big week in the life of my family. On Thursday, my baby girl started her senior year of high school. Then later that evening, my oldest picked up his 9 month chip from his AA home group. And finally yesterday, I dropped my other son at school to begin his freshman year at the University of South Carolina. It has been an emotional week for me. One with many emotions represented often in waves coming one right after the other.

With that said, I have had precious time and conversations with my kids as they enter new phases of life. My daughter was full of excitement. She said that she and her friends would take the senior year by storm participating in every event. They wanted to be the best senior class ever at their school. It will be a joy to watch them experience it to the fullest! My oldest talked to me about achieving 9 months of sobriety. It was a great achievement but he spoke with such humility. He knew that he made it to that point with God’s help and his program. It will take staying aware of that reliance on God to keep moving forward in this life of ongoing sobriety. He was not comfortable being recognized publicly but grateful for the strength God has given him. Lastly, my younger son felt a mix of emotions from excitement to nervousness. But, he was ready to move through the anxiety into this new phase in his life. Believe me; the momma felt all of those emotions and more.

I wasn’t sure exactly what I would write about today. I just wanted to take some time and explore what I was feeling. Then I read an excerpt from Frederick Buechner that resonated with me. He talked about tears and encouraged us to pay close attention to when tears come. He suggested that they are telling us something about who we are. He also suggested that God speaks to us through our tears of the mystery of where we come from and where we should go next. I have heard before that our eyes are the opening to our souls. If so, tears must reflect our soul’s yearning.

Given all that we were experiencing this week, tears were an ever present threat for me. I tried to keep them at bay but they were at the surface often. It wasn’t until I was ready to leave my son at school did my tears finally fall. So in the spirit of Frederick Buechner, I thought I would explore my tears and what God might be showing me in the midst. And so, I thought back over the past few days and here are some of the core emotions that generated tears and some insight.

Tears of Gratitude- My son’s milestone of 9 months has been looming. It is a very difficult hurdle for addicts to get over. He had not made it before due to relapse. So, this was symbolic in many ways of progress. It was a hopeful sign that he is truly learning and committed to living in recovery. I feel such gratitude that God worked in “the valley of the shadow of death” last fall to speak to my son. He brought strength out of weakness and has continued to walk the path with my son. Without active addiction in the way, we have continued to strengthen our relationship through honesty and encouragement rather than manipulation and enablement. My tears came because I am so thankful that we made it through that dark time and are living in the light today. And, I am so proud of that courage and perseverance that he has demonstrated to get to this point. My son is an awesome example of both God’s creation but God’s love for his children. My son has a meaningful story to tell about walking with God along a difficult path. His courage and humility is inspiring and God is so gracious!! May God continue to teach me to live with courage and humility and to rely on Him both in the good times and the difficult times.

Tears of Anticipation- Listening to my daughter talk about how she wanted to experience her senior year brought a smile that bubbled up from within and brought tears to my eyes. She was looking at her year from the eyes of opportunity. That made me think about how often I look forward with anxious thoughts. I let fear come in and overwhelm me at times. Or, I lose sight of all that is miraculous because I get overwhelmed by the mundane. My daughter is looking at ways to live life to the fullest while my focus has often just been for survival. My daughter is taking an active approach to her story. She will have a meaningful story to tell as she opens herself up to the possibilities of what God is putting before her. Her openness is inspiring and God is so gracious! May God continue to teach me to live with an openness and sense of opportunity and to rely on Him for the future.

Tears of Fear- Yesterday, as we walked through campus, we talked about how my son was feeling. He was definitely nervous. But, he knew this was where he was supposed to be and would work through that. He even commented that he was glad that they were having a floor meeting in the dorm. He saw it as a chance to meet new people. Now, my son is introverted in new situations. But, he was ready to push through the fear to take the next steps towards getting settled in his new situation. He has had a year of taking a faith stand and moving forward with a God-focus. As a result, he was teased and cut-out of some old friendships but reached out to those with whom he could draw support from. He made a college choice based on where he could be the most successful with his faith and desire to serve. He even went to camp to serve, a day after having hand surgery making it difficult to do normal tasks. He has demonstrated a commitment to God’s plan and persevered with courage. As I left him at the dorm, the tears finally fell. These tears were a mix of emotions. But, my tears of fear were for potential challenges that he might experience that I cannot protect him from. His journey is now between him and God. His faith and perseverance is inspiring and God is so gracious. May God continue to teach me faith and perseverance through the fear and to rely on him to walk the path guiding us all along the way.

Tears of Grief- There have been tears of grief this week. I am sad that I do not get to see my oldest son very often. I would have loved to have been there when he received his 9 month chip. The reality is that I will not be at all the meaningful events in their adulthood. I will miss having my youngest son around. He will likely not live in our house but for defined periods again. The time with him flew by and that makes me sad. And finally, I only have one more year with my daughter at home. So, it is easy to take a leap forward and dread the empty nest and the loss of her presence. There were many things along the way that I wish had been different during their years at home. It brings tears to my eyes just typing that statement in. But, in Ecclesiastes, we are reminded that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity. So to continue to grieve their absence, although human, doesn’t acknowledge God’s plan.

That is what I am left with after this reflection. I must trust God’s plan. I must move forward with faith, humility, courage, perseverance and openness to what God has in store for me. My life is an ongoing story of God’s call and his graciousness. Phil 3:13,14 says, “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

And, I must trust him in the same way with my kids. I can only speak from a mother’s viewpoint. But, parenting that occurs with addiction and recovery and even the transition of our children to adulthood is a hard and a scary to transition to make for a mother. I know I am joined by many of you who are dealing with one or both of these situations right now. As mothers, our lives are so focused on the care and nurture of our children. We can lose sight that motherhood is only one aspect of who God called us to be. And, if our life’s success is only measured by the challenges of our kids experience or the choices that they make, then that leaves us either in a very difficult, desperate place or in a position that places us above God. We are called to love, to teach and to nurture our children. We do not take the place of God in their lives. We cannot control all of their life circumstances or their free will. I know I have certainly tried but am realizing just how ludicrous that really is and how easy it is for me to try to take that role. Thankfully, God is ever present and has the strength and power to intervene in the good and the bad. I can leave it to the expert!

God does have a plan for our lives that goes beyond our kids. Our lives still have a calling despite the current state of our child’s recovery. God still has a plan for us beyond having kids in the house. And, he is still perfecting our faith through his gifts and trials. There is a new season planned. So, let the tears fall. As Buechner said, let God speak to you about the mystery of where you have come from and where you should go. Finally, may we be inspired by a new season and God’s graciousness!

In honor of our kids heading off to their freshman year in college, I leave you with a verse from a prayer I wrote for my son:

For he was HIS before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.


I run today cheering for all the new seasons begun!