My Broken Amen

There are days, sometimes seasons that feel dark- a battle of thoughts and emotions, difficult circumstances and sometimes a challenge of pursuing truth through faith. That is where I find myself today. And yet, I know the journey no matter how overwhelming, painful or scary is a place to experience grace, acknowledge love, be present in the reality of being a child of the King. But sometimes, all I can do is utter a broken Amen...

I AM...

A woman of faith yet still struggles with fear

A woman who loves others deeply yet experiences intense loneliness

A woman with dreams yet hesitates to pursue

A woman who smiles on the outside yet grieves on the inside


AND I FEEL LIKE...

A woman who is “less than” whom God says is enough

A woman who is broken whom God says is restored

A woman who is experiencing darkness whom God says holds Light

A woman who is weak whom God says is strong

A woman who is lost yet God says my path is ordained


AND I BELIEVE AND AM A WOMAN CLINGING TO:

* God’s promises and character

* Knowledge that the Spirit leads

* And as long as Grace allows me to breathe, Grace propels me to my purpose


This is my broken Amen...

Still alive at 55

55- who can believe it! I seem to dread mid-decade birthdays. This one has been a doozy! Well, it’s the day after and I’m still alive at 55. The sun rose today (although behind a bank of clouds- metaphorical somehow). I don’t think I added a new wrinkle overnight although I need to put on my glasses to be sure! I say that jokingly but it has been a year of personal exploration and change. This post will be authentic, maybe a little self-indulgent, but in case there are others going through a similar transition, I thought I’d share. The reality is I have been grieving at some level the hopes and dreams that haven’t materialized. I am also acutely aware of time passing. For a while now, I have recognized that a season was passing and my journey was shifting. I find myself in an uncomfortable place of being unsure where my path is now heading.

My house is quiet- no more children to care for or at least not on a daily basis. And with the kids gone, much of my interaction with other parents and friends that took place at school events, ball fields, or the poolside have disappeared. I didn’t count on that. I wasn’t prepared for that. It is quiet and it is lonely.

At work, the landscape is shifting. It is really no longer my escape. A comfortable place with a clear plan for success. For right or wrong, it has been my place of strength and reinforcement over the years as challenges came in my personal life. It is shifting. With all the change, there are times when I am uncertain about my value, my purpose, just who I am at this stage of life...

And finally, the mirror doesn’t lie. Time is passing. Sometimes I see pictures and almost don’t recognize my profile. Sometimes I see my arms- good grief! My girlfriends will understand that! A few weeks ago, a woman stopped me who I would guess to be somewhere between 65 and 70. She said with good intent that she loved my outfit and women of our age should continue to dress with such style no matter what others say. Here I am struggling with turning 55. I didn’t know whether to be more shocked by being considered a decade plus older or that my outfit was somehow inappropriate for a “woman of my age”. Goodness, I had just come from church!

Yes, the journey is shifting! I spent several quiet hours yesterday in introspection- reading, writing, thinking, praying... I asked myself questions like Who am I now? What’s important to me- my passions and dreams? What can I hold on to when everything around me seems to be changing? I though about a picture I often share when I am coaching people through change in work. Picture the ocean. If you focus in on the waves, you see energy, movement in and out, the breaking down of shells and tumbling of marine life. You can lose your footing in the waves. But closing your eyes and listening, the waves become soothing. If you lift your eyes just a bit, you see the calmness of the horizon where the sky meets the ocean. Although in reality it may be rougher than we can see, it is a sign of peace and beauty. A change in perspective makes all the difference! Everyone needs a horizon to hold on to.

For many of my friends, this is a season of transition too.. For me, it is definitely a season of transition and transformation inside and out. I often describe our stories as a holy journey. We are more than our circumstance, our worst choice, painful wound or best accomplishment. We are more than physical beauty including the wrinkles on our face. We are uniquely created for a purpose on this earth. And, our journey is about shaping us, teaching us, equipping us, and guiding us towards our purpose. And based on all our experiences, we have a heart that can reflect kindness, compassion, love and beauty differently and more than our youthful face yet to experience all the ups of downs of life. Our hearts reflect the richness of our experiences. It adds depth that allows us the opportunity to not only live out our purpose but be a light to world in desperate need. A holy journey.

I know this. I believe this. But truthfully today, I am struggling with a fear that my world is growing smaller. That I am losing the chance to pursue dreams, impact lives, enjoy new challenges and experiences, grow friendships. I’m just not ready for that. I have a lifetime of experiences, things to contribute, time to invest, love to share, a community to explore and with which to engage. And as I reflect back over the years, I have had a life of challenges and blessings, tears and laughter, weakness and strength, chaos and clarity. I can’t focus on just one or other. If I only focus on the positive gifts, I could miss the gift of faith and all the character that is built through adversity. If I only focused on the adversity and challenge, I could assume a mantle of shame, bitterness, or woundedness and miss God’s gift of provision. The truth is they are all gifts and a part of who I am as your experiences are a part of you. You see I believe God uses our steps to prepare us for next part of our journey. Even better than that, not only does He prepare us, he is walking it out with us through the Spirit. We are not walking our paths alone.

So, at 55, I will still struggle at times with the loss of all that I am leaving behind in life. Roles that I have loved and dreams for which I have yearned. At the same time, as this season moves forward with its own waves, I will hang on to my “horizon”. My belief that God has a purpose for me that is still being lived out in my life. And, that purpose will be better than anything I could design on my own.

My prayer is that God will use me in the coming days and years as a loving force for good, compassion, and kindness. That my journey will connect with others in a meaningful way. That despite the misssteps, the fears, times of shaken faith, or slips of a judging spirit, I pray that in the end, my life will be a broken hallelujah. His strength perfected in my weakness. His light showing through my imperfect attempts to Show love. My prayer is one of an open heart able to discern opportunities to engage in my purpose, open eyes to see need around me and open hands to give as called.

And as I move into this next season of which I feel so unsure at the moment, I need to shift my perspective. I will give myself the same advice I gave my son last week at his college graduation. To look to the next steps not with worry but anticipation as God walks me down the path he has prepared in advance for me to go. My horizon- my holy journey. I am not alone and neither are you.

So at 55, I’m still alive with a purpose. I am grateful for every step and those who have loved and supported me along the way and for those whom I have had the privilege to love and support as well. God is Good! So, here goes 55!

Proverbs 4:25,26 “Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established by God.”

A New Year with a Fresh Perspective!!

It's New Year's Eve- a time of celebration, a time of endings and beginnings, a time for change; and, usually a time of positive intent. And then, life resumes on Jan. 2nd and slowly we often ease back into a familiar place. A place that is more reactive to our circumstances than proactive. Sometimes a place that seems more comfortable even when it is born out of pain and discomfort. The truth is that although change can represent hopefulness, relief even success, real change is hard to achieve. It takes commitment, practice, accountability and most importantly a renewed mindset. Without a change in mindset, a new perspective, the chances of real change is minimal.

So here we sit at a milemarker as another year passes. And in terms of our journey, the reality is that today does not really mark an ending but a continuation to the journey that God has granted us. It is, however, a perfect time for reflection. A time to reflect with a fresh perspective. As we take a honest look back over the past year, our perspective can change the way we look at the past with a positive impact to our future. Acknowledging our blessings yields gratitude, challenges provide insight, pain develops empathy and trial builds faith. It truly comes down to your perspective.

As I reflect personally, I am not only taking an accounting of the year but asking myself the following questions:
1. Do I truly know that God made me with unique gifts that can reflect his character in this broken world? Can I accept my value as a child of God?
2. Do I trust that he is lovingly at work in and through me no matter the circumstances? Can I accept that God is always in control?
3. Is my focus more on who God wants me to be within my circumstances versus just reacting to the circumstance? Can I see through my circumstance to the hand of God?
4. Lastly, are my eyes open to the needs of others no matter the sacrifice or inconvenience? Am I willing to follow the example that Jesus set by loving those whom he puts in my path. Am I loving my enemy and my neighbor as myself?

I know if I can work through these questions, then I have a mindset that brings a fresh perspective to my next steps entering this new year. A perspective that helps me be more present and intentional. I have begun transitioning seasons of life. And at a time when in many ways my opportunities feel like they are shrinking , I am hanging on to Matthew 19:26 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". I still have dreams. And, I know God's not done with me yet; just, as he's not done with you. So, I encourage you to ask some hard questions, build a fresh perspective, and know that this year holds a multitude of possibilities for all of us no matter the season of life! And, for my friends who have suffered great tragedy this year, I know that God is surrounding you and sending love through others. And, I pray that the peace that surpasses all understanding becomes real within your lives. And this year at a time when so much discord and brokenness exists, may we all look for ways to reflect the light of God through love and kindness. And, may we spread that love and kindness not only to those for whom it may come easy but for those who challenge us through our differences!

Below is a little prayer focused on being present and reflecting God's love. I wrote it on our trip to a Africa several years ago the night before we went into the villages. Seems appropriate to stepping into the unknown of a new year!

Happy New Year,

Sallie


Lord,

Today,
Give me hands to plant your garden.
Give me feet to walk the path you've laid.
Give me strength to join the suffering
Lord, give me love for those you died to save.

Give me eyes to "SEE" your children.
Give me ears to hear your call.
Give me words to touch the hurting.
Lord, may your Spirit heal us all.

Lord, Let my voice express your kindness.
Let my touch express your strength.
Let my laughter express your hope.
And Lord, may our hearts reflect your perfect love.

Amen.

The Sacred Journey of sharing the burden

It is almost Mother’s Day. I have been thinking a lot about motherhood and the journey that I am on over the past few days.  What a miraculous gift mothers have. We get to bring life into this world full of possibilities and unique gifts with which to touch others or contribute to the world around us. I saw a quote by Dr. Michael Beckwith- “Each of us are unique expressions of the Infinite.” And, mothers get to bring those precious unique expressions into this world!

I always say that our journeys are sacred and it is privilege to travel alongside others and be a part of their journey.  The journey of motherhood is certainly sacred. From the minute our baby is born, we have hopes and dreams for our kids. Let’s face it those mental images start taking form as soon as we know this sweet child is growing inside.  We want so much for our children. We begin to take on the role of the nurturer, teacher, and protector to make sure they thrive all the while holding on to the dreams we have for them.  My guess is unless we are aware of a physical challenge early; we don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the struggles that our child might endure in their lives. We focus on the hope…

Yes, there are many joyful moments like finding out you are having a child, feeling them move for the first time, their first words, steps, etc. You see them grow, learn, and express themselves. You begin to learn about their gifts, interests and personality. But, there are always days that are challenging. There are certainly physical demands in the early days but that doesn’t really prepare you for the demands of nurturing their mental and emotional wellbeing as they get older; or, protecting them and setting boundaries as they begin to explore independence. You learn that parenting is not for the faint of heart nor does every child respond the same. Mothers work very hard to balance the demands of their lives and give their babies the best life they can.

I watched a documentary recently on the opioid epidemic. I have a read a lot over time on this topic. Some do sadden me while others anger me. This time, I was simply stunned. Not because I really learned anything new but because most of the scenarios were the parents’ story.  It hit so close to home. Some of us have children who struggle.  Struggles beyond the normal disappointments, hurt feelings, or challenging classes.  Struggles that are not situational but more systemic with sweeping impacts to the way our children engage with or are engaged by the world around them. Struggles that may be physical, emotional, or psychological. Struggles with the children they grow up around. Even, struggles that threaten their very lives. Struggles that we as their parents are not prepared to deal with and challenge us to our core. It is not a part of the dream we had for them.

One of the things that I have tried to do over the last few years is to give a face to the struggle. Galatians 6:2 says “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” We can’t bear another’s burden if we don’t understand their struggle.  Honestly, I was thrown into this space of addiction.  I wasn’t prepared to mother a child struggling with addiction. I have made mistakes. And, I have learned a lot along the way about myself, my child and the disease. I have friends and family who have children with Down syndrome, Autism, physical abnormalities, and a variety of mental health issues.  Those mothers were faced with parenting children who have unique challenges. They weren’t prepared either and have engaged in the same battle to learn how to parent their own children based on their unique set of circumstances.

One thing mothers of children with struggles probably have in common is a desire to be understood. To have our children’s unique challenges be understood but in the context of all that they are.  Because they are all still “a unique expression of the infinite”.  They are more than their addiction or their depression or their autism. They are courageous. They have talents and senses of humor. They have possibilities and they are valuable.

Parenting a child suffering from addiction turns everything you know on its head.  Nurturing looks different. Most of us begin to learn that hard lesson while still parenting in the midst of the crisis. It takes experience. It takes learning what works and doesn’t with this disease. Just as it takes courage on the part of our child to make their way to recovery, the same is true for the parent. It becomes a balance. I once referred to it as operating in the “both- and”. You have to learn to resolve questions in order to move forward. How do I both remember the picture of my precious, beautiful little boy and accept the reality of an addict struggling to live his live? How do I both show love for my son and demonstrate it in ways that do not enable his disease? How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not lose hope for his life.

We have to learn to express love and nurture differently. We must react to behavior but have compassion for the battle of the disease, set boundaries but not withhold love, fight for them but accept that this disease can be terminal, grieve for the life we envisioned for them and learn to have joy in the daily wins of the life that they have. We feel fear and anger for and at our children at times.  And we feel guilt for that. We have to work to remove the burden of self-blame and give ourselves grace when we struggle to balance it all. We have to learn to live our lives without being fully absorbed in theirs. We live everyday knowing our children have the potential of relapse and death.  It can be heartbreaking and “soul-wearying” to parent a child who is struggling. But, it is still a sacred journey no matter how sad, broken, or difficult it is at times. Perhaps, the biggest lesson and ultimately source of hope is that God is present in all the chaos. With His power, there can be peace, restoration, and joy. We need Him.

Mothers of struggling children also need the support of our family and friends.  We love our children but there are days when the burden seems impossible to carry. There are days when our best hope for the day is just to survive.  There are days when we worry that our other children are suffering because we can’t manage it all. There are days when we need YOU.

Carrying one another’s burdens…Yes, it requires that we engage in the struggle of others. I learned that from my mother who was always there for us growing up. She later devoted 4 years during a very difficult time in our lives to step in and help me care for my children.  There was a sacred bond made stronger by her sacrifice. She stepped in to share the burden of my struggle.  It was such a blessing. I encourage you to open your eyes to those mothers who need you to understand the struggle and share their burden. Here are a few things to consider as you do that based on my experience with a child who has struggled with addiction.

·         We need your love not your judgement both for ourselves and our children.  We often carry shame in secret and want our children to be loved not shunned. We make mistakes and are learning. We fear others’ judgement. We wear the weight of our shame and our children’s. We crave your love. We need to have others demonstrate to us what we need to do for ourselves.
·         Please give us grace when we withdraw but stay close. There are times when the weight of it is so heavy that we can’t bear to talk about it. Don’t give up on us. We will let you in when we trust that you will stay by our side in the journey.
·         Be willing to learn about our child’s challenge. You can ask us questions or send us articles. It shows us that you are stepping into the struggle. Just don’t assume that you understand exactly what our choices should be. It is usually not that black and while. There are consequences of choices that have to be weighed carefully.
·         See the beauty and value in our children. Our children are more than their disease or struggle. Specifically, kids with addiction are not “bad” kids. They are sick. They are still valuable.
·         Keep encouraging us to go do some fun things for ourselves.  We yearn for normalcy. We yearn for laughter. We yearn for rest. And, we are not very good at it and often believe we don’t deserve it. Keep asking us.
·         Stand in the gap- Pray for us, Send notes of hope and encouragement, and if you see a need- just offer to take care of it. We need prayer and words of encouragement. They are seeds of love even on the days we can’t hear it. And sometimes, we just need you to be God’s hands and feet. It can be hard for us to ask.

Sharing our burden is a demonstration of sacrificial love. We will recognize that for what it is. Your love becomes a sacred bond with us.

So, on this Mother’s Day if you have children who are thriving and have no significant struggles, you should get on your knees and thank God for that blessing. I am thankful today that I can say that. Then, I encourage you to think about the mothers in your life who have children who are struggling. Send them a note of encouragement. Call them and remind them that God chose them specifically to be the mother of that child. They are enough because HE is enough. For that matter- stop and send a note to a single mom you know, or those who have other struggles- health, finances, relationships, etc.  We are all called to share one another’s burdens.  It is meant to be a part of our Sacred Journey. Let’s honor this Mother’s Day by reaching out to mothers who need a little extra support.

Let me end by saying that I was blessed with an incredible Mom who has taught me by example about sacrificial love, forgiveness and faith. I am also thankful for the “village moms” who have stepped in the gap for me or the many who have encouraged me.  You have shown love for me and my kids. You are my blessing.  To the many moms of struggling kids who have reached out to me since I started the blog a few years ago- you have shared your heart, your tears, your challenges, and your joys. You have encouraged me, taught me, and inspired me as have your kids. You have shared your burdens and taken on mine. Your children and your friends are blessed to have you.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all! You, too, are “unique expressions of the Infinite”!!

A new season is coming- It is my job to love and to live in faith and trust.

Well, here I am writing in my blog for the first time since June. It’s hard to believe that it is has been so long but I think God has been working quietly in me. You see I have been feeling that a new season was coming. The terrain of my journey may be changing. Maybe it’s because I have been aware that I am moving from my early 50s to my mid-50s. And, that is unsettling to me. Maybe it’s because this is year two of an empty nest. And, I have come to the realization that if I don’t move forward with what God has in store for me, I will dig my nails into my kids hanging on for dear life to their life. I just don’t think that’s a good thing nor do they, I’m sure! Maybe it’s because I have come through a decade of crisis with kids due to health and addiction. And gratefully, the waves of those crises have calmed for the moment allowing me to refocus. And maybe it’s because more recently, I have been faced with a sense that time on this earth is limited as others in the foreground and background of my life have passed on. Truthfully, it is all of it that has propelled me to think about how I want to live my life for the days I have left. That could be another 40 years like my aunt and my grandmother or it could be the next hour. But whatever time I have left, I want to be both intentional and present to what God intended for me and his hand in my life.

I have touched on this before but I usually write because I feel compelled to in that moment. Something comes to me in the shower or my commute to the office when I am alone in the car. There are times when I just wake to something stirring in my soul that needs to be explored. The genesis of this blog today is no different. On Friday morning, the first thing I thought about when I awoke was a series of phrases before I even stepped out of the bed.

It is not my job to:
• To assume someone’s motivation or their heart
• To judge someone’s actions
• To demand someone believes what I do
• To deny someone’s journey or ignore someone’s pain
• To place a value on someone’s life
• To assess the potential of another
• To ignore the fact that we are all God’s children

That IS NOT my job. But… it is my job to live my life according to my beliefs and in faith and trust. It is my job to love…


I wanted to go straight to the laptop and start writing but something inside said, “not yet”. I really wrestled with the waiting. You see, those phrases that I woke up with were convicting to me. You may not hear me say something overtly, at least I hope not, that suggests that I value someone less or demand that they believe what I do or judge others. But believe me, in the quiet of my heart, if I am honest I often do just perhaps more subtly than others or am not conscious of the real implications of my thoughts. Think for a moment about what you see on social media or how you react. Whether or not you have posted something explicitly or not, think about your thoughts and how quickly it is to go to a place where you assume, judge, demand, deny, place a value, assess or ignore. I am guessing if you are truthful to yourself, most of us go there at some point in the quiet of our mind and heart. It convicted me because in those actions you crucify someone rather than love them. Stop for a minute and think about Christ and how he was treated in the days before the cross. Those very things existed. I don’t know about you but that kind of takes my breath away. So, I knew I needed to write but followed the prompting to wait for a couple of days. I guess I really knew that God had more to say to me. And, he did. I will share those learnings. I think they were all designed to prepare me for my new season.

God spoke to me in a variety of ways. Last week, someone shared a post about a place called The Free Store of Charlotte. It caught my eye because it is in part meant to serve the less fortunate. I have been starting to engage with serving in our homeless populations so it intrigued me. This store provides free access to donated clothes and home goods. There is a sign that says “Give what you can, and take what you need.” But more importantly is that the Free Store is not just about meeting a physical need, it is about moving into relationship with others. As I read up on it, the following comment resonated with me about this place. “The really awesome thing about it (The Free Store), which gives it a deeply satisfying aspect, is that this is a place where very different kinds of people actually form mutually supportive friendships.” You see difference is valuable to both sides when you engage in relationship. We both have things to share and needs to fill. I think that is why we are specifically called to love our neighbors and our enemies. We are told that without love, what we say, what we give, even our faith means nothing. But love prevails. Love goes out and expands much like circles in the water when a pebble is thrown in. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. So, being in relationship with those outside my close circle or my comfort zone is what I am called to do. It is my job to love.


The next lesson was about possibility. I woke up this morning with this word on my mind. There are a number of verses that speak to the fact that all things are possible with God. I do think those are hopeful. Somehow in my mind though, it is limited to what I can imagine. But the verse that says, “For nothing is impossible with God” opens up to God’s power and his grace and mercy are not limited within our imagination. The angels said that to Mary as they acknowledged God’s call on her life to be the mother of our Savior. She was called to be a part of the ultimate story of redemption and grace. Her journey was not just limited to the wife of a poor carpenter in a small town. God used her in the greatest love story told and a story far beyond human possibility. So, how do we limit others value or potential by our thoughts or actions? How do we limit ourselves by not living out faith that believes that nothing is impossible with God? How am I limiting my own potential by not opening up this next season to the limitlessness of God? It is my job to have faith in that journey.

Lastly, God taught me about the importance of personal change versus change in circumstance. It is clear to me that our journey is about continual redemption until we get to perfection in heaven. So, I have learned and am still learning to value that journey. I recently sent a note with some verses to encourage a friend who is struggling. One of which was in Isaiah 43- “See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” This verse has been on my mind this week- a new thing, a new season… I have just setup a new office which is still in a bit of disarray. Friday, I looked over to see a notecard with a several verses on it. Believe it or not, they were all about being called to love. I don’t know where it came from but I know it was perfectly timed for me and reinforced the thoughts of earlier that morning.

Then lastly, I was watching a church service today that I watch on Sundays when I am not at mine. In fact, I also watched last Sunday given the weather. So, as I settled in to watch, I realized that they were replaying the same sermon as last week. Don’t get me wrong, it was good. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed as I was hoping to hear something new. But, God has a sense of humor. Perhaps, he made all the thousands of people watching this morning listen to it again because I couldn’t hear it the first time!! But this time, I heard the pastor say that we pray for a change in our outcome or a new season but we often don’t pray for a change in ourselves. It struck a chord with me. I have been praying for a clear picture of what this next season looks like. But perhaps, God is changing me on the inside so that I can actually be ready for what he has in store. If God is perfect and God is Love then maybe the more I learn to love, the more I am actually living out his plan for me. And just maybe, my season will evolve as I do one day at a time. And, the more I can reflect his character in a world that is hurting- my job, the ripples of my life can help to make a difference to a world that rather than loving is stuck assuming, judging, demanding, denying, valuing and assessing with perceptions based not on love but on human flaws, imperfections, and fears. A world not recognizing others true value as a child of God and perhaps not even their own value. Thankfully, there is redemption and hope when love is expressed. It is not only my job to love but to have faith and trust God with it all.


I am hopeful that God will teach me and use me in this next season. I have to be open to changing myself first to be used in whatever circumstance my journey leads me to. I have to be honest about my heart's motivation. Where love is absent in that, I have to change. No matter what season you are in- a season of growth or pain, a season of youth or aging, a season of addiction or recovery, a season of endings and beginnings, there is hope in the journey. There are relationships to be shared, possibilities to experienced, and growth to be had.

Thankfully, nothing is impossible with God. And yes, there’s hope in your journey. I know there is in mine so I’ll keep running the race! That is my job!!

Love one another as I have loved you

Love your enemies…
Love your neighbors as yourself…
Love one another as I have loved you…

What a calling that is!

The last few weeks have been so turbulent. It seems as if there is evil and brokenness everywhere I look. Two weeks ago, the three tragic events in Orlando and the aftermath of those events have left me sad, angry and now convicted. How can a person murder a beautiful, talented , kind 22 year old? And another because of his beliefs takes the lives of 49 people injuring many more… Why do we feel the need to attack each other about political issues rather than grieving as a community and then working together to look for solutions by learning from each other’s point of view. Instead, we attack each other shutting down conversation. The Bible tells us that we all possess knowledge. But knowledge puffs up while love builds up. Instead, we live and reflect the world’s view- Love your neighbor, hate your enemy. And it seems that the enemy is sometimes broadly defined these days based on those who believe differently, look different or somehow don’t fit our idea of perfection. We do not love them. We judge them.

And why do we feel the need in the face of a tragic accident to attack a family who is mourning the loss of their two old year son? Can we honestly say that we have never made a bad decision, or been distracted or were not aware of potential dangers? Is that loving our neighbor as ourselves? We react when see a story about children bullying each other and yet adults are doing the same thing across social media? It’s everywhere. Just open Facebook or Twitter up. I remember being shocked at what grown-ups were tweeting about 17 year olds during college signing day who chose a school perhaps different than a school that they made a verbal commitment to. They are kids making an important decision and had every right to switch. But, the vitriol by adults was horrifying. The political rhetoric among friends is staggering much less the politicians. We don't talk, we accuse. Its somehow become a normal method discourse. How do we expect our kids to behave in respectful and kind ways when we don’t?

Even beyond that weekend, I have seen a story recently about a Doctor who encouraged a family to abort a baby girl who has Down Syndrome. The family did not and has a beautiful girl who brings joy to those around her. Her life is valuable. She has impact. We think we can define value and impact and forget the God is in it all and creates miracles out of challenges. God teaches us love, compassion and patience through those who may need more like children with autism. He creates value and impact beyond what the world says. I saw another news story about teenagers who looked like all-American kids who beat a homeless man to death who was fishing and left his family to find him. And yes, his life was valuable. How sad that it is that they didn’t understand that somehow. We don't understand the pull of addiction so we judge. We make assumptions about what someone’s value is or how perhaps they got into a particular situation. They are our neighbors and yet we do not always love them. We judge them. And that judgment tears down relationships. I know I have experienced the hurt of that judgment as single working mother in my children's early years and a mother of a recovering addict.

I am so saddened by what I see these days. I understand the anger. There are a lot of serious things going on in our country. We do have enemies. We are instructed to love our enemies and pray for them. Now, that is hard to do and God’s ways are not our ways. It seems to me the biggest issue we have is a heart issue just as our enemies do. We can’t solve things when we can’t talk. I do feel angry and very frustrated about what life looks like around me. I can become overwhelmed with worry. Surely, some of you understand that feeling. It occurred to me that I will be overwhelmed if I don’t focus on me and what I can do and have faith in what God can do with that. So, what I can do is try to do what God has commanded me to do. In 1 Corinthians, it says “Do everything in love.” It’s a heart thing first and a behavior thing second. I Cor 13 “If I speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol…if I have faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing…If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love I gain nothing.” Again a heart thing…

So today, I decided to start with me. I went to the pool and sat down with my Bible. I looked at many verses about love. It is clear that we are commanded to love. As usual, God teaches and sometimes with quite a sense of humor. You see it’s easy to look at some of those examples and feel good about ourselves. I haven’t murdered anybody. I don’t send demeaning comments anonymously through social media. I am seen as kind. But there are times, I have a heart issue. I judge and it can be really subtle. It happened today as I was reading through these verses on love, believe it or not.

There was a woman sitting right down from me at the pool . She was about my age. She was different from me in that her language was not that great and seemed negative. She was complaining about different things to the teenage lifeguard using that colorful language. And, I was judging. And then, she began to complain about one of my “adopted” sons across the pool giving swim lessons. “He was too loud. He should be in the water rather than instructing from the side, etc.” Beyond just judging, the momma bear instinct rose up. I was about to say something to her and make sure she knew this was one of my village children who knew exactly what he was doing. He was college swimmer. I wanted to put her in her place. As quick I started scheming, it occurred to me that this is exactly what God means when he says love your neighbor. He was the judge not me. My “adopted” son was not hurt as he did not even know it was happening. I should leave it to God. And so I did. Just that act opened my ears to other things. It sounded like her kids are older and gone. She comes to the pool to fill her time. Just maybe she is lonely. Then, I could look at her differently. Someone posted today a picture that said, “Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” I don’t know what motivates this woman’s negativity. In the end, this young man came over to say hello. It would have been obvious to her from our conversation that he was a surrogate family member to me and that he was a special young man. Maybe God will use that and she will think about how she criticizes in public or then again maybe not. Either way that is God’s work not mine. But, he showed me how easy it is to have a heart problem. We all do at times.

So, this is not an easy set of commands but it is the core of what God calls us to do. He blesses that love. Yes, this is a very tough time in this world. However, if you look around, you can see how healing occurs when love is shown. The long lines to give blood in Orlando. The follow-up posts by mothers sending love to the family who lost their two year old. The people who go out on Saturdays and serve the homeless. For those of us who are Christians, our command is clear. We are to love each other as Christ loved us. We were his enemy and he loves us. It is our gift. We are promised that love binds us together. The body grows when built in love. We do not have to be overcome by evil, but we can overcome evil with love. It is love that will lead to unity and a bond of peace.

So, I am convicted. It is peace I want and I want to reflect God’s love. Only I can know though what is in my heart. I am challenged to think differently than the world. I am challenged to remember God first loved me. He forgave me through his death. I did not deserve the mercy that I was given but I can reflect his mercy, grace and love. And God can and will use that in a much bigger way that I could imagine. And He can use you too. We can impact this world through His Love. Want to join me?

If only I knew...

It has been quite a few wonderful and emotional days. I attended my 35th high school reunion this weekend. And, I can only describe it as an almost miraculous sense of community. Honestly, that time spent with so many friends has touched me in a way that I left changed and inspired. I knew I would write about it but was waiting until my heart led me to the words. The catalyst came this afternoon through another gift of words.

My niece suffered a stroke while in utero and has some physical challenges as a result. She recently had a treatment that shows some promise to help overcome those obstacles but she needs encouragement to do the therapy. She is 13 years old and 13 years younger than my oldest son. He was moved to write her a letter from his heart as a way to encourage her by sharing his health challenges as a young boy related to eye issues and asthmas. He felt hurt by his circumstances and “less than” because he didn’t see his other friends struggle. When he was 7, we went through a sad divorce and it hurt him deeply. He felt different and “less than” all over again. He was angry at God and then his lung issues at the end of high school led him down the path of addiction in college. He watched his friends graduate and move on. His life was different. There he was in a new city, in a long term rehab, being told his life would never be the same. He had a battle to fight that was unending. His life was not what he imagined. For almost four years he struggled in that battle feeling angry and sad. He was mad at God for allowing the obstacles to consume his life. He could only see the pain of his circumstances.

But then, he was reminded how courageous he was by one his doctors. He was fighting a battle. And yet, with each misstep and a persistence to work through it and try again, was becoming stronger. His journey was preparing him for not only this battle but for whatever else might be a challenge along his path. God was sending encouragement and support through others. He was teaching him strength by allowing his weaknesses and challenges to propel him forward. So, as he takes in that revelation, he is stronger, less angry, more present and even thankful for his circumstances and the people who have surrounded him. His message was one of recognizing and identifying the challenges that my niece might be experiencing. He reached out in support to my niece who might be seen as different by the other children and I’m sure has experienced some rejection. God must have stirred in my son a need to reach out to young cousin who is trying at age 13 to develop a sense of self and let her know that she is not alone. My son’s message to her was one of empathy, encouragement, and planting the seeds so that she will come to understand the depth of God’s love for her and the bigger work that is being done in her life through God. That is hard to understand at 13. But hopefully, his words will one day take root. I know at a minimum just the act of writing a long letter touched her. She will know she is not forgotten and is not alone in her struggles.

As I was thinking about this letter, the words “if only” came to me. If only we could see beyond our immediate circumstances to the greater picture. If only we could accept that God loves us through others and not be afraid to share our struggles. If only we could understand our value as a unique creation of God and not measure that value against someone else’s gifts, perceived blessings,or some homogenized version of a human existence. If only we knew how much a kind word or an encouragement could actually propel another sojourner along their path. And lastly, if only we could acknowledge and own our life’s path as a holy and wonderful experience meant to uncover the gifts that God intended us to share in this world. If only we knew…

I have just spent a wonderful weekend with a majority of my classmates from high school. As I mentioned at the beginning, it was nothing short of miraculous. The community of caring and support was almost indescribable. Where there may have cliques, the barriers had faded. Life certainly has a way of equalizing and changing one’s perspective. In retrospect, I know there were other people struggling in high school. There was a lot of hurt and insecurity that was kept below the surface. I think those years are about trying to develop a sense of self. Unfortunately, it seems it is easier to look left and right than inside. If only we knew that looking left and right was a ticket to insecurity, maybe we could have avoided some pain. If only I knew…

I had great friends but always felt “less than”. I had sadness, disappointments and pain. I worked very hard to cover it up. Early in my adult life, I struggled with the fact that my life wasn’t how I had envisioned it. I didn’t expect to be divorced with 3 very young children. I didn’t expect the level of difficulty and effort that would be required to work full time and mother full time. I didn’t expect to have children with health issues. I certainly didn’t expect to have addiction enter our lives and watch my son fight a battle that he had to do on his own. I grieved for the loss of what I had hoped my life would be for me and my children. At times, I am not sure I expected to survive it with grace, faith and joy. I just didn’t see a way. If only I knew…

Well, I have learned a lot through those challenges. Because I know now that God has a unique place for each of us in this world. His plans don’t look like ours but with his plan everything is possible and challenges can be used for good. I know now that weakness can lead to strength. Each challenge allows us the opportunity to develop our gifts and lead us along our unique path. I know now why God’s number one command is to love one another. It is in that exchange of love between neighbors that he provides support to deal with the challenges of the day. It is that love made real among us that encourages us and through which healing can take place. And I know that faith allows hope to enter in even when circumstances look dark. I know now there is more to the story and I am not alone.

I saw so many examples of how God uses others in a healing way this weekend as we all pulled together as a community. I personally got a lot of support for sharing our story. I thanked someone for his encouraging words. His comment to me was “if I encourage you, you will still be there encouraging me.” Love begets love. I know that and so does he. We had lost another beloved class mate in the last year. Because of that, one of our classmates, a special guy, sent out a heartfelt note to our class. He talked about how life throws up challenges and sometimes it doesn’t go as planned or as dreamed. But those “failures or challenges” are not as important as the relationships we have with people who knew us growing up. This was a time to gather and just connect and experience the love and support of that community. He encouraged people to come. I know there were people who had those concerns and reservations about attending. And just by that encouragement, I think he set the tone for the weekend. He followed his heart and something special happened. He knew…

What a blessing when there are points in life when the “if onlys” dissipate. The truth fills the space. We understand our value. And we are filled with the grace of knowing that our journey, our story, is unique and ordained. And, out of our challenges is an opportunity to connect and encourage another. A chance to be God’s love in this world! A chance to live your life knowing!

JP Class of ’81- You are special and an important part of my life- my story. Your stories that were shared brought laughter, encouragement, and healing. You are an inspiration! You are my community and that is a blessing! Thank you for this weekend!