Spring is coming!!! Daylight savings is here. And best yet, we have had two sunny, warmish days which is really welcome after a cold and very wet winter. I don’t know about you but when the sun reappears, I feel lighter in spirit. And, I felt that way this weekend - more than I have in a while. It sort of reminded me of how I used to feel when school was finally over and summer was here. The feeling of freedom was such a wonderful feeling- like a burden has been lifted if only for a sunny afternoon.
I heard somebody talking this weekend about what life used to be like living with an active addict. Each day was “wonderment”- wondering how bad today was meant to be. Would it top yesterday in terms of difficulties. He was carrying a burden and each day he expected to fill that bag that he carried on his back with yet another fear, hurt, or frustration. His thinking was skewed. He only saw the challenges of the day and hunkered down to survive them. He was a slave to his circumstances. I have been there. In fact, I felt a bit like that over the first few months dreading when I see a name come up on my phone or when I turn on my computer each morning. How bad is this going to be? At one point will I get a break? For me, I then try to wrap that feeling up and hide it away so you won’t see it. That makes it even harder. But what does help me is that I know the truth. I am learning to apply it to my life as a real act of faith.
When you are a parent of an addict, you can feel batted around at times. My child wasn’t a bad child and yet there are times that I still wonder why he makes certain choices. I find that I sometimes forget the truth which is that I am dealing with a child who has a chronic disease. There are times when I wonder could I have done something different that would have circumvented this struggle before it got started. Then I remember I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. Or, I just focus on the setback and not the progress. I lose sight that it is progress not perfection that is the focus of our journey. That is true for my son and true for me. But, the deceit of some of my thinking makes the burden greater like a long, dark winter. Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
Just like after a long winter of surviving, God brings the spring and the sun back to shine and make things new. The sun’s light brings warmth and life back to all that is around it just like truth brings light into the dark, cold corners of our soul. If you start watching, you’ll hear the songbirds, then see the tiny buds on the barren trees, and finally the blooms come. God is creating one miracle at a time. When we focus on the Truth, God’s lights shines into one corner at a time. He is working things towards good, the great reveal, the fragrant blooms of our lives. It is the progress that is the miracle, the unfolding of his beauty being planted in our lives.
So, here are a few truths to hang on to in the times of a long winter season.
We don’t have to carry the burden of sin. Christ came to give us freedom from being a slave to sin. Freedom from being a slave to the brokenness of this world. Freedom from being a slave to the brokenness of those we love. We are not slaves to our burdens. Gal 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
No matter the darkness, we can seek the light. God sent his son to bring light to this world. So, no matter how dark some days are, the Light is there if we shift our focus. Christ has been engaged in our lives before we were on this earth. He did not intend for us to live in the darkness of our burdens. John 1:4 “Through Christ all things were made and in him is life. In him was life, and that life was the light of men.”
Lastly, each day even if we are faced with new challenges or ramifications of past decisions, even if we feel that we cannot possibly move forward under the weight of it, we were given a promise of grace, compassion and faithfulness. God has got it even as we carry it so why not hand it over and accept his love. He is enough. Lam 3:22-24 “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
We are not consumed by our burdens. In fact, our burdens when placed in the proper perspective allow us to enter our world each day in a way that displays Christ’s light to others who are a slave to their burdens and do not know the freedom the comes from knowing the Truth. What if we all woke up each day in "wonderment"- wondering who we were meant to share the light compassion and love with? The light that comes from knowing the God has got it. He can carry our burdens. Go to him, all who are weary and burdened and he will give you rest!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
I need a God of miracles
I have this really good friend who has walked a similar path as I am walking as well as many others in my life. From time to time, usually just when I need to hear it, she will remind me the God is still in the miracle business. She said it this weekend about another situation. I thought at the time how much I yearned to see a miracle – one in my life or my son’s. One in a close friend who is so burdened. One in a family member’s life who is dealing with some hard things. One that erases the pain of addiction or mental health issues, the pain of physical challenges or relationship challenges. The burdens of this world are great. I need hope. I need God of miracles.
There’s a song that Third Day sings and the words to the chorus are:
Well no matter who you are and no matter what you've done
There will come a time when you can't make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle"
My heart is tender and yes, I need a miracle.
Certainly there is a desire for relief. But I think I really just need to see God’s hand in motion. We are surrounded by miracles every day. Sunrises and sunsets. Births and unexpected blessings. Grace is evident everyday if we look for it. But we humans often really need to come to that place of desperation before our eyes can be opened to the grace of God in action. I had the privilege of getting a glimpse of God’s miraculous intervention in a Facebook post shared by a woman who I met on my trip to Africa about a family whom she knows. For some reason I decided to read it on Wednesday when I saw the post come through. And I cried as I read. My heart was touched by a family I don’t even know. The story was of a mother and a baby born 14 weeks early in Aug at 1 lbs., 1 oz. and had been in the hospital ever since struggling with respiratory issues from her premature birth. Mid-day last Wednesday, Sweet Sophia Marie’s mother’s anguished post said that the doctor had come by to let them know he was disappointed that their sweet baby girl had barely responded to treatment. He was giving her 24 more hours but beyond that there was not much more to do. That post ended with “I’m falling on my knees and face to God begging him for a miracle.” Tears ran down my face thinking of what this woman faced. All she knew to do at this moment was go to her knees before God.
This woman was desperate for a miracle. And then God answered with just that. 5 hours later there was an updated post- with the minister and family there, the doctor came running in after looking at x-rays to let this grieving family know that her lungs were 5 times clearer than the day before and he was going to “stay the course and keep trying”. Supernatural healing. Doesn’t it just give you chills and bring tears to your eyes. God is a God of miracles. He is a God of hope.
Don’t you wish your challenge would suddenly be 5 times better than yesterday? Don’t we all just want a little hope that things will be healed or even just that burdens will be lessened? Don’t we just want hope that it doesn’t only rely on our ability to cope or know the right next step? Don’t we want hope that our battle is not dependent on our strength? And don’t we all think at times it really would take a miracle to feel that hope again?
I think of the story of David and Goliath. David who was just a boy approached Saul and offered to fight Goliath. His strength came from a faith built through his experience of God’s deliverance from other battles. His words were, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of the Philistine…You come against me with sword, spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord God Almighty.” That small boy with a sling and stone and big faith killed that giant. Now that’s a miracle. Not just that Goliath was killed but that God had developed such a faith in that boy and used that faith as a catalyst for the miracle experienced that day by all who watched. I know many people today who are up against their Goliath. They need that same hope and faith of David. They need a miraculous deliverance. They need a person just like Sophie Marie’s mother willing to go to her knees before God begging for a miracle and willing to be so transparent about their faith and reliance on God and his strength to be an example of humility and reliance. They need hope in a God of miracles.
This verse in 2 Chronicles was sent to me in the last week and speaks to that deliverance. “This is what the Lord says to you, do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army, for the battle is not yours but God’s.” I love that and have shared it. I read it to myself- “Sallie, do not be discouraged because of your son’s addiction or (fill in the blank) for this is God’s battle to fight. Now that’s hope and to really trust that God is fighting the battle on our behalf opens our hearts up to experience a miracle.
If there is anyone out there is who is struggling today and in need of hope or a miraculous intervention- YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE.
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "Lord above, I need a miracle"
My heart is tender and yes, I need a miracle, too. I pray that our eyes are open, our heart is willing and our faith claims that God has got this. He is a God of miracles and of restoration and a peace! Amen!!
Today I run with the hope I see in the miracle of the healing of a special little baby. And, please say a prayer with me for the continued healing of little Sophia Marie and for all those who are praying for a miracle tonight.
There’s a song that Third Day sings and the words to the chorus are:
Well no matter who you are and no matter what you've done
There will come a time when you can't make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle"
My heart is tender and yes, I need a miracle.
Certainly there is a desire for relief. But I think I really just need to see God’s hand in motion. We are surrounded by miracles every day. Sunrises and sunsets. Births and unexpected blessings. Grace is evident everyday if we look for it. But we humans often really need to come to that place of desperation before our eyes can be opened to the grace of God in action. I had the privilege of getting a glimpse of God’s miraculous intervention in a Facebook post shared by a woman who I met on my trip to Africa about a family whom she knows. For some reason I decided to read it on Wednesday when I saw the post come through. And I cried as I read. My heart was touched by a family I don’t even know. The story was of a mother and a baby born 14 weeks early in Aug at 1 lbs., 1 oz. and had been in the hospital ever since struggling with respiratory issues from her premature birth. Mid-day last Wednesday, Sweet Sophia Marie’s mother’s anguished post said that the doctor had come by to let them know he was disappointed that their sweet baby girl had barely responded to treatment. He was giving her 24 more hours but beyond that there was not much more to do. That post ended with “I’m falling on my knees and face to God begging him for a miracle.” Tears ran down my face thinking of what this woman faced. All she knew to do at this moment was go to her knees before God.
This woman was desperate for a miracle. And then God answered with just that. 5 hours later there was an updated post- with the minister and family there, the doctor came running in after looking at x-rays to let this grieving family know that her lungs were 5 times clearer than the day before and he was going to “stay the course and keep trying”. Supernatural healing. Doesn’t it just give you chills and bring tears to your eyes. God is a God of miracles. He is a God of hope.
Don’t you wish your challenge would suddenly be 5 times better than yesterday? Don’t we all just want a little hope that things will be healed or even just that burdens will be lessened? Don’t we just want hope that it doesn’t only rely on our ability to cope or know the right next step? Don’t we want hope that our battle is not dependent on our strength? And don’t we all think at times it really would take a miracle to feel that hope again?
I think of the story of David and Goliath. David who was just a boy approached Saul and offered to fight Goliath. His strength came from a faith built through his experience of God’s deliverance from other battles. His words were, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of the Philistine…You come against me with sword, spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord God Almighty.” That small boy with a sling and stone and big faith killed that giant. Now that’s a miracle. Not just that Goliath was killed but that God had developed such a faith in that boy and used that faith as a catalyst for the miracle experienced that day by all who watched. I know many people today who are up against their Goliath. They need that same hope and faith of David. They need a miraculous deliverance. They need a person just like Sophie Marie’s mother willing to go to her knees before God begging for a miracle and willing to be so transparent about their faith and reliance on God and his strength to be an example of humility and reliance. They need hope in a God of miracles.
This verse in 2 Chronicles was sent to me in the last week and speaks to that deliverance. “This is what the Lord says to you, do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army, for the battle is not yours but God’s.” I love that and have shared it. I read it to myself- “Sallie, do not be discouraged because of your son’s addiction or (fill in the blank) for this is God’s battle to fight. Now that’s hope and to really trust that God is fighting the battle on our behalf opens our hearts up to experience a miracle.
If there is anyone out there is who is struggling today and in need of hope or a miraculous intervention- YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE.
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "Lord above, I need a miracle"
My heart is tender and yes, I need a miracle, too. I pray that our eyes are open, our heart is willing and our faith claims that God has got this. He is a God of miracles and of restoration and a peace! Amen!!
Today I run with the hope I see in the miracle of the healing of a special little baby. And, please say a prayer with me for the continued healing of little Sophia Marie and for all those who are praying for a miracle tonight.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Time to be still and feel God's presence
Let me first give you a “length alert”. I haven’t written in a while and my heart is full. So, grab a cup a coffee…
This isn’t the first posting that I have started with… “I am on a long dark plan flight home”. It is also not the first plane flight home that I have sat with tears streaming down my face. The last three flights home have been tearful ones. On the flight in January, the flight attendant quietly tapped me on the shoulder with tissues as I watch the movie, “The Good Lie” about the Lost Boys of Rwanda. I was so lost in the pain and grace of the story that I didn’t know how many tears had poured down my face. To be captured by the story of our lives, holding both the pain and the grace of it is to be vulnerable and open to God’s power to heal, transform and love us no matter where we are. Today, I just finished reading Karen Tippetts’ the hardest peace. She beautifully and vulnerably describes her faith journey through her story of dealing with stage IV terminal cancer as a young mother and wife. So, you can imagine the tears on this flight.
You may think it’s a little weird to cry as you head home on an airplane. Part of what allows the barriers to come down is not only what I may be watching, or reading, or experiencing but the gift of time. My life is full of tasks and responsibilities, people to care for, and a schedule of my own making. But when I get on these long flights with no one I know, no cell phone connection or internet, no emails, messages, children or puppies. I have the gift of time. Time to be still and to breathe. Time to acknowledge my life circumstances, my feelings and my fears. Time to let down my walls in the darkness even among all these strangers. Time not to let the noise of life drown out the yearnings of my heart. Time to be still with my story.
This is my 3rd trip to London since mid-November. I have had challenges to deal with which have been quite a burden for all those involved. But this trip, I saw glimpses of healing and progress. Last night as I returned home from a fun dinner with a sense that things were moving forward, I was stopped and smacked with life’s brokenness. I saw a missed call from my middle son who had also sent a text that he was in lockdown in his classroom at college. There had been a campus shooting. They were fine but waiting for the all clear. Talking about losing your breath over a message! I was able to get him immediately . Thankfully, he had been released and was back in his dorm. Sadly, a professor and student were now dead in a murder-suicide shooting. This is a broken world. And as I was talking to him, my oldest son was calling in. Once I returned that call, he let me know he had continued (now for 10 days) to deal with nausea and vomiting and was undergoing multiple tests. They had ruled out some things like Gall Bladder issues and had scheduled an endoscopy for the next day. Then, I followed up on another work message only to learn that that there was some turmoil over a project that I thought was on good path forward. All in about 20 minutes.
Thank you, sir, may have I another…life’s slaps that is…brokenness- it’s all around and takes many forms. So, I took a breath, packed my bags and went to sleep preparing for another day.
In the early morning, I was quieted by the week and the events of the night before. Even in the quiet of the early morning, in London, like any large city, the streets were busy with commuters hustling into the city. So I had a good 45 minutes or so just to watch out the window and take it all in. Time to be still… And in the quiet as the sun was rising, we drove past the Tower of London, London Bridge, Westminster Cathedral and Buckingham Palace. I thought to myself how wonderful it was to have the heritage, beauty, and strength of those historical buildings anchoring the evidence of the modern, chaotic life of today. It occurred to me just how important it is to have that type of beautiful anchor in the midst of the chaos, demands and brokenness of our daily lives. I could enjoy the bumper to bumper traffic because I could focus on the beauty of my surroundings and all that it represents. Life is always a mix. Even in the darkest moments you can focus on your faith and the little whispers of beauty that are there like the stars at night and the early morning songs of the birds. There is comfort to be found. Be still- look, listen and just rest in the fact that God is present.
Even last night, I did experience laughter at dinner. My middle son was ok and thought to call me to let me know he was ok. My oldest does not have to have Gall Bladder surgery which could jeopardize his sobriety from pain meds. There were no problems so I didn’t even hear from my girls. I can be still- and be grateful in the fact that God is present with not only me but my family in my absence.
I have had a number of conversations over the past few weeks and opportunities to read and hear others’ thoughts through books and videos that have touched my heart. One Ted Talk I watched was a woman that one of my friends had mentioned named Brene Brown. She has done research on the concept of shame and was talking about vulnerability and failure. She reinforced that although when we are vulnerable in front of others, we often feel weak. Others more often see courage in that vulnerability instead of weakness. Failure is a chance to grow and to be strengthened. It does not have to be a badge of weakness. In fact, it is an opportunity to lean on our faith for strength and to move forward. One of my favorite verses assures us that in our weakness, we are strong through the power of Christ.
Over the course of the past couple of years through this journey of recovery that I have gone on along with my son, I have had the privilege to connect with others who have been very transparent with me regarding their struggles and those of their loved ones. Many of these people have only known me through my blog, messages, and connections of other friends. And many, for whom I have never heard their voice or seen anything other than a Facebook picture. But still, I feel a holy bond- God has brought us together in our brokenness to encourage and strengthen us. I am thankful to serve and to be his hands and feet to others and also grateful for how he loves me and makes his presence known through the hands, feet and stories of others. A certain mother whom I have only messaged with came to my mind a week or so ago. She has been vulnerable and shared her story with me, a virtual stranger. I knew she was in the thick of finding her precious child the support he needed to fight his battle with addiction. I sent her a note to let her know that I was thinking about her and praying for peace. We exchanged some messages. In one of mine, I said that it truly is one day at a time. Her response back was that sometimes it is one breath at a time. How true that is! But sometimes that is such a gift. When we feel we must focus on one breath at a time, we can be forced to be still. To be broken, to be vulnerable, to be reliant on the One who knows our most intimate story. The One who can and has already handled the brokenness of this world and of our stories. The One who is present and lives in and by our side every day, every step, and every breath.
the hardest peace really brings this home. Although every page touched me, there are some thoughts I will leave with you. You see I wish I could say that every episode of pain and brokenness is resolved in a way that we would choose for it to be. A season of pain never to be revisited. But, marriages still fail, jobs are lost, people still die of cancer, kids rebel, they relapse, and sometimes addictions take them from this world. There are hard places and dreams that are never realized and grief for what was or could have been on this earth. Karen Tippetts describes these struggles in such a vivid and palpable way. “The unexpected pain of life often leaves us only with the choice of how we will endure it. It could be a marriage you didn’t expect to break, a job you thought you’d never lose, a difficult child to raise. We all have an unexpected hard, how do we face it?…I never expected to be planning my funeral, counting my moments, or fighting for my next breath in my thirties.”
There are certainly things in my life that I didn’t expect, want, or know how to deal with. My dark nights. I know you have had them or may be experiencing them right now. You are vulnerable. You are managing one day, one breath at a time. Hanging on sometimes with just a sliver of faith and hope or even just a statement of what you believe even when your heart questions it. I, too, have had those days. How have I faced it? I have clung to my faith as my anchor. I have clung to the verse in Corinthians that assures me out of weakness comes strength. A verse in Psalms that tells me that every day was ordained and written in his book, before one day came to be. Trusting God in the darkness when there is no resolution in sight is allowing for faith to be increased. I believe God is the Great Redeemer and is at always at work in the brokenness. It takes courage. And, faith builds courage.
Your story, my story, no matter how broken, is never too broken for God. Our stories are a place where a holy bond can be created with God. He is always with you. Cling to that for yourself and for those you love who are struggling too. Be still in the brokenness and take courage in that even if it is only one breath at a time.
I run this race of life one day at a time, one step at a time, and one breath at a time but never alone!
This isn’t the first posting that I have started with… “I am on a long dark plan flight home”. It is also not the first plane flight home that I have sat with tears streaming down my face. The last three flights home have been tearful ones. On the flight in January, the flight attendant quietly tapped me on the shoulder with tissues as I watch the movie, “The Good Lie” about the Lost Boys of Rwanda. I was so lost in the pain and grace of the story that I didn’t know how many tears had poured down my face. To be captured by the story of our lives, holding both the pain and the grace of it is to be vulnerable and open to God’s power to heal, transform and love us no matter where we are. Today, I just finished reading Karen Tippetts’ the hardest peace. She beautifully and vulnerably describes her faith journey through her story of dealing with stage IV terminal cancer as a young mother and wife. So, you can imagine the tears on this flight.
You may think it’s a little weird to cry as you head home on an airplane. Part of what allows the barriers to come down is not only what I may be watching, or reading, or experiencing but the gift of time. My life is full of tasks and responsibilities, people to care for, and a schedule of my own making. But when I get on these long flights with no one I know, no cell phone connection or internet, no emails, messages, children or puppies. I have the gift of time. Time to be still and to breathe. Time to acknowledge my life circumstances, my feelings and my fears. Time to let down my walls in the darkness even among all these strangers. Time not to let the noise of life drown out the yearnings of my heart. Time to be still with my story.
This is my 3rd trip to London since mid-November. I have had challenges to deal with which have been quite a burden for all those involved. But this trip, I saw glimpses of healing and progress. Last night as I returned home from a fun dinner with a sense that things were moving forward, I was stopped and smacked with life’s brokenness. I saw a missed call from my middle son who had also sent a text that he was in lockdown in his classroom at college. There had been a campus shooting. They were fine but waiting for the all clear. Talking about losing your breath over a message! I was able to get him immediately . Thankfully, he had been released and was back in his dorm. Sadly, a professor and student were now dead in a murder-suicide shooting. This is a broken world. And as I was talking to him, my oldest son was calling in. Once I returned that call, he let me know he had continued (now for 10 days) to deal with nausea and vomiting and was undergoing multiple tests. They had ruled out some things like Gall Bladder issues and had scheduled an endoscopy for the next day. Then, I followed up on another work message only to learn that that there was some turmoil over a project that I thought was on good path forward. All in about 20 minutes.
Thank you, sir, may have I another…life’s slaps that is…brokenness- it’s all around and takes many forms. So, I took a breath, packed my bags and went to sleep preparing for another day.
In the early morning, I was quieted by the week and the events of the night before. Even in the quiet of the early morning, in London, like any large city, the streets were busy with commuters hustling into the city. So I had a good 45 minutes or so just to watch out the window and take it all in. Time to be still… And in the quiet as the sun was rising, we drove past the Tower of London, London Bridge, Westminster Cathedral and Buckingham Palace. I thought to myself how wonderful it was to have the heritage, beauty, and strength of those historical buildings anchoring the evidence of the modern, chaotic life of today. It occurred to me just how important it is to have that type of beautiful anchor in the midst of the chaos, demands and brokenness of our daily lives. I could enjoy the bumper to bumper traffic because I could focus on the beauty of my surroundings and all that it represents. Life is always a mix. Even in the darkest moments you can focus on your faith and the little whispers of beauty that are there like the stars at night and the early morning songs of the birds. There is comfort to be found. Be still- look, listen and just rest in the fact that God is present.
Even last night, I did experience laughter at dinner. My middle son was ok and thought to call me to let me know he was ok. My oldest does not have to have Gall Bladder surgery which could jeopardize his sobriety from pain meds. There were no problems so I didn’t even hear from my girls. I can be still- and be grateful in the fact that God is present with not only me but my family in my absence.
I have had a number of conversations over the past few weeks and opportunities to read and hear others’ thoughts through books and videos that have touched my heart. One Ted Talk I watched was a woman that one of my friends had mentioned named Brene Brown. She has done research on the concept of shame and was talking about vulnerability and failure. She reinforced that although when we are vulnerable in front of others, we often feel weak. Others more often see courage in that vulnerability instead of weakness. Failure is a chance to grow and to be strengthened. It does not have to be a badge of weakness. In fact, it is an opportunity to lean on our faith for strength and to move forward. One of my favorite verses assures us that in our weakness, we are strong through the power of Christ.
Over the course of the past couple of years through this journey of recovery that I have gone on along with my son, I have had the privilege to connect with others who have been very transparent with me regarding their struggles and those of their loved ones. Many of these people have only known me through my blog, messages, and connections of other friends. And many, for whom I have never heard their voice or seen anything other than a Facebook picture. But still, I feel a holy bond- God has brought us together in our brokenness to encourage and strengthen us. I am thankful to serve and to be his hands and feet to others and also grateful for how he loves me and makes his presence known through the hands, feet and stories of others. A certain mother whom I have only messaged with came to my mind a week or so ago. She has been vulnerable and shared her story with me, a virtual stranger. I knew she was in the thick of finding her precious child the support he needed to fight his battle with addiction. I sent her a note to let her know that I was thinking about her and praying for peace. We exchanged some messages. In one of mine, I said that it truly is one day at a time. Her response back was that sometimes it is one breath at a time. How true that is! But sometimes that is such a gift. When we feel we must focus on one breath at a time, we can be forced to be still. To be broken, to be vulnerable, to be reliant on the One who knows our most intimate story. The One who can and has already handled the brokenness of this world and of our stories. The One who is present and lives in and by our side every day, every step, and every breath.
the hardest peace really brings this home. Although every page touched me, there are some thoughts I will leave with you. You see I wish I could say that every episode of pain and brokenness is resolved in a way that we would choose for it to be. A season of pain never to be revisited. But, marriages still fail, jobs are lost, people still die of cancer, kids rebel, they relapse, and sometimes addictions take them from this world. There are hard places and dreams that are never realized and grief for what was or could have been on this earth. Karen Tippetts describes these struggles in such a vivid and palpable way. “The unexpected pain of life often leaves us only with the choice of how we will endure it. It could be a marriage you didn’t expect to break, a job you thought you’d never lose, a difficult child to raise. We all have an unexpected hard, how do we face it?…I never expected to be planning my funeral, counting my moments, or fighting for my next breath in my thirties.”
There are certainly things in my life that I didn’t expect, want, or know how to deal with. My dark nights. I know you have had them or may be experiencing them right now. You are vulnerable. You are managing one day, one breath at a time. Hanging on sometimes with just a sliver of faith and hope or even just a statement of what you believe even when your heart questions it. I, too, have had those days. How have I faced it? I have clung to my faith as my anchor. I have clung to the verse in Corinthians that assures me out of weakness comes strength. A verse in Psalms that tells me that every day was ordained and written in his book, before one day came to be. Trusting God in the darkness when there is no resolution in sight is allowing for faith to be increased. I believe God is the Great Redeemer and is at always at work in the brokenness. It takes courage. And, faith builds courage.
Your story, my story, no matter how broken, is never too broken for God. Our stories are a place where a holy bond can be created with God. He is always with you. Cling to that for yourself and for those you love who are struggling too. Be still in the brokenness and take courage in that even if it is only one breath at a time.
I run this race of life one day at a time, one step at a time, and one breath at a time but never alone!
Sunday, January 18, 2015
God's plan is always bigger
It’s been a while since I have written. Not because I haven’t wanted to but because it seems life has taken over. About the time I crossed the 1000 mile mark and completed my project, life threw me some curve balls. Just normal life issues- challenges with work and family. And although I have learned a lot over the past year in particular, I find myself in a similar position as I was a year ago. The circumstances are different but the coping skills are reminiscent to dealing with my son’s addiction. The fear creeps back in. Peace is gone. And I want to gain control back of my life. Only now, I know I need to explore what is driving my behaviors and shift my perspective. Now, I can choose to work towards peace. It is when my focus is on self-reliance that I get off-kilter. I have known the truth that God is bigger than any situation or problem. For some reason, I have to keep practicing a shift in perspective here. I have to look for truth. Not just the specifics of the circumstances but the messages I am creating or taking in about the value of what is being taught or guided or redeemed in the situation. And, how I am trusting in the truth that God is bigger than what I am struggling with at the moment.
Yesterday in Alanon, we talked about paradoxes of the program. I was thinking about that and how it connects to the Christmas story and the life and death of Jesus. In the book of John, he talks about the birth of Christ as “Word becoming flesh and made his dwelling among us.” The “Word” is defined in the Greek vernacular as divine mind. John goes on to describe Christ as light in the darkness full of grace and truth. John also described a paradox- “In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.” That rings so true for me. It is often easy to focus on the darkness of the circumstance and miss the light, I know the truth and yet I often don’t live life enough focused on the truth.
Whether you are experiencing active addiction in your family, other illness, or work challenges, changing your perspective from a human perspective to a spiritual perspective can allow you to see the light shine through the darkness. So, here are a few paradoxes that I believe can lead us to the freedom found in Christ’s light.
Simple Acceptance of current circumstances can allow our life to change. The actual circumstances may not change but your perspective does. Acceptance in the story of Christ’s birth found in Mary and Joseph’s response to being told a baby was coming was a beautiful example of faith. This was quite a difficult situation but they trusted God. We see acceptance in Christ’s example in the Garden of Gethsemane as he said, “Everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will but you will.” Thy will be done. Christ knew that God’s plans are always bigger and better than man’s!
Surrender can allow you to regain a sense of control. The control that comes from understanding Christ’s surrender to the cross which ultimately led to his death wasn’t the end of the story. He was resurrected and life was given. When we surrender our life’s circumstances to God including our children, finances, health, there can be freedom and with that comes a sense of things being in control. Not ours but Gods… God’s plan is always bigger and better than man’s!
Humility allows us to be blessed and to bless. Our Savior came and was born in a manger. He came not in grandeur as man expected but in humble beginnings and as a servant to those he came to save. He lived and fellowshipped among the least of humanity. He served the sick. Humility allows for relationship. Through Christ’s example and his death, we are forgiven and called to forgive. And, we are able to be in direct relationship with God, the Father- God, Almighty- Maker of Heaven and Earth. All we need to do is believe and have faith. God’s Plan is always bigger and better than man’s!
Finally, Peace can be found even in the worst of circumstances. Jesus returns after his resurrection and comes to comforts his grieving disciples. He promises to send the Holy Spirit. And, with the Holy Spirit he promises peace. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” God’s plan is always bigger and better than man’s!
So, no matter what is happening in your life. Shift your perspective. Accept and surrender in humility not to your circumstances but accept and surrender your circumstances to God. There is a big difference. Don’t miss the light found in the darkness. Don’t let your plans cause you to miss the purpose of God’s plan.
My prayer today for myself was that God would deliver me from my current situation. If that meant that the circumstances must stay the same, then please help me to change my perspective. I crave control and I crave peace. So, instead, I will rely on his active involvement in my situation- his control. And, I will rely on his promise of peace. My focus is on him. I will strive to understand his purpose and allow his plan to take shape. I know that his plan is always bigger and better than mine. And, My God is bigger that any problem that life throws at me.
Thy will be done. Amen.
Running today with a change in perspective…
Yesterday in Alanon, we talked about paradoxes of the program. I was thinking about that and how it connects to the Christmas story and the life and death of Jesus. In the book of John, he talks about the birth of Christ as “Word becoming flesh and made his dwelling among us.” The “Word” is defined in the Greek vernacular as divine mind. John goes on to describe Christ as light in the darkness full of grace and truth. John also described a paradox- “In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.” That rings so true for me. It is often easy to focus on the darkness of the circumstance and miss the light, I know the truth and yet I often don’t live life enough focused on the truth.
Whether you are experiencing active addiction in your family, other illness, or work challenges, changing your perspective from a human perspective to a spiritual perspective can allow you to see the light shine through the darkness. So, here are a few paradoxes that I believe can lead us to the freedom found in Christ’s light.
Simple Acceptance of current circumstances can allow our life to change. The actual circumstances may not change but your perspective does. Acceptance in the story of Christ’s birth found in Mary and Joseph’s response to being told a baby was coming was a beautiful example of faith. This was quite a difficult situation but they trusted God. We see acceptance in Christ’s example in the Garden of Gethsemane as he said, “Everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will but you will.” Thy will be done. Christ knew that God’s plans are always bigger and better than man’s!
Surrender can allow you to regain a sense of control. The control that comes from understanding Christ’s surrender to the cross which ultimately led to his death wasn’t the end of the story. He was resurrected and life was given. When we surrender our life’s circumstances to God including our children, finances, health, there can be freedom and with that comes a sense of things being in control. Not ours but Gods… God’s plan is always bigger and better than man’s!
Humility allows us to be blessed and to bless. Our Savior came and was born in a manger. He came not in grandeur as man expected but in humble beginnings and as a servant to those he came to save. He lived and fellowshipped among the least of humanity. He served the sick. Humility allows for relationship. Through Christ’s example and his death, we are forgiven and called to forgive. And, we are able to be in direct relationship with God, the Father- God, Almighty- Maker of Heaven and Earth. All we need to do is believe and have faith. God’s Plan is always bigger and better than man’s!
Finally, Peace can be found even in the worst of circumstances. Jesus returns after his resurrection and comes to comforts his grieving disciples. He promises to send the Holy Spirit. And, with the Holy Spirit he promises peace. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” God’s plan is always bigger and better than man’s!
So, no matter what is happening in your life. Shift your perspective. Accept and surrender in humility not to your circumstances but accept and surrender your circumstances to God. There is a big difference. Don’t miss the light found in the darkness. Don’t let your plans cause you to miss the purpose of God’s plan.
My prayer today for myself was that God would deliver me from my current situation. If that meant that the circumstances must stay the same, then please help me to change my perspective. I crave control and I crave peace. So, instead, I will rely on his active involvement in my situation- his control. And, I will rely on his promise of peace. My focus is on him. I will strive to understand his purpose and allow his plan to take shape. I know that his plan is always bigger and better than mine. And, My God is bigger that any problem that life throws at me.
Thy will be done. Amen.
Running today with a change in perspective…
Saturday, December 6, 2014
That's a wrap and take a bow...but then again...
“Let your faith be greater than your fear. Sometimes you just have to act as if you are courageous.” These were the words of a wise woman spoken today in an Alanon meeting on the topic of courage. A little over a year ago, I was overwhelmed by my fear and sadness. I did not feel courageous but had to act as if… My son’s life was in the balance and so was mine.
He was living in his car, cold, hungry and going through withdrawals. And we knew we had to let him experience his bottom. To save him from his bottom would not save him from his addiction. We had to show our love by letting him come to recognize his own powerlessness and to turn to his one true source of power. I could no longer rescue him. He with the help of God would have to rescue himself. Believe me, that love didn’t feel very loving. I guess that’s why they call it tough love. And, it was tough on everyone involved.
During that dark time, I was wrestling with God myself. I was at my own bottom of despair. I knew that I had to step forward and do something positive to counter this pain. The idea to embark on this running and writing project was born. As you may recall if you read the first post, my plan was to run a 1000 miles in a year and document our journey and what God was teaching me along the way through this blog. Ultimately the goal was to honor what God was doing in our lives by telling our story. I yearned for this pain to be redeemed for something good. And so, I began to run and to write.
Here we are a year later. The biggest blessing this year is that my son committed to his recovery in a renewed way after he hit that bottom and was allowed to experience it in its fullness. He has made so many steps forward physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of his courage and grateful to God that my son’s story is being redeemed. I am also happy to say that I finished this project logging in 1,044 miles. It has been like running a virtual race. So many of you have cheered me on through your messages and texts and I did it!! Not bad for an old gal! I have been trying to come up with the words that would describe this last year for me. Here I am at the completion point of time bound project. I guess I want to end it with something like “that’s a wrap and take a bow…but then again…”
My son told me at his 9 month anniversary and again at his one-year anniversary that he was happy but it was just a mile marker. His journey continues and truthfully so does mine. But I need to mark this mile with some reflection. Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” I know we can be empowered by our circumstances. In the Bible, Paul tells us that in our weakness, we are made strong. And so, this morning, I sat down and read through all the blog entries. There was so much life revisited in those entries. There was illness, death, and laughter. There were friends and strangers who touched my life. There was insight. There was certainly pain and growth. There was God. And, I see my story- our story- being redeemed.
In the very first blog, my struggle was to accept the “both-and” of my circumstances. The questions of my heart were-
How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?
How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?
How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?
Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?
That last question is a big one. At that time, I truly did not know how to resolve the conflict. I only knew that I must figure it out somehow. That has been my journey over the last year. If I had to sum up what I have learned, it could be summed up in four words- humility, faith, gratitude and hope.
I asked my son what the biggest learning had been over the past year and he described humility. He said, “I had to accept that I couldn’t stay sober and move forward without God. I needed to get out of his way and let him lead my life.” He also talked about having to do things that he didn’t want to do but needed to. Things like taking on a new sponsee in the program and speaking in front of people. He said a very wise thing- that he knew that there was no growth to be had in his comfort zone and he needed to trust others and God as they pushed him out of it. For me, just to truly accept that I was powerless over my son’s disease and that my life had become unmanageable through all the dynamics that had formed and my desire to control was a humbling recognition. It really didn’t matter how hard I tried. It was my son’s battle to fight. Someone once said to me, “your son has a God and it is not you.” I, too, needed to get out of God’s way. So, this year has been a lesson in humility. And, I needed to shift my self-reliance to a God-reliance not only for me but for my son. Just being willing to admit that I sometimes live my life as if I were God was humbling. I believe humility is first step towards allowing our faith in the fact that He is good and in control to grow. Psalms 25:9- “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”
The truth is God is all-powerful. I don’t have to be because He is!
Faith is key to living life with peace in the midst of chaos. One of the topics in an earlier blog was the fact that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. God does not promise us a life without pain. But, he does promise us strength, grace, joy and peace. When you are in a season of darkness, it seems almost impossible to believe. I had to come to the realization that although I had believed since I was a child, I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t trust myself to be sufficient either but somehow I still tried to control my circumstances and my son’s rather than to trust God with them. It has been in the gravity of our situation that we had to learn to rely on God. There was no other way; and so, this year has been an exercise in trust. And, God has proved himself trustworthy over and over again. He has guided and provided in all kinds of scenarios. It is in my weakness that God’s power has shown through. 2 Corinthians 12:9-“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect is weakness.”
Not only is God trustworthy, the truth is God is sufficient and I don’t have to be because he is.
With humility, our eyes can be fixed in faith on what God is doing in the midst of our lives no matter the circumstances. When we fix our eyes, not on our circumstances but on God’s work- his grace shed in our lives we can see our blessings and feel gratitude. We are called to give thanks in all circumstances. This was hard for me at times. I think at the times that it was hardest, I was not living from a basis of trust in God’s perfect plan for me and my son. I could not always see his provision. But what has helped is the concept of God-sight in hindsight. Looking back over time and acknowledging our God was moving even when he seemed silent. That is our story. That is what I am grateful for. The Bible promises that our stories were ordained before one of our days came to be. With that I can honor my story and carry no shame. I have definitely had lessons in gratitude.
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The truth is God is gracious and merciful and I can be thankful in all because he is.
With humility, faith, and gratitude, there is hope. God is bigger than any situation, any bad choice, and any heartache. With hope, we have courage to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and live the next moment. God promises for those who have hope, he will renew their strength, they will soar, they will run and will not grow weary. In Romans, we are told that hope does not disappoint. So, the real answer to the question of how I both live a life of joy, peace and gratitude and still acknowledge my son’s circumstances or mine own is through Hope. I hang on to the belief that God can redeem anything. He is bigger and more powerful that anything I could do or could be done to me. And I hold that truth for my son and all my children.
Psalm 130-7 “Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.”
The truth is God is the Great Redeemer and I can live in hope because of that!
So, that’s a wrap now take a bow… and then again… my journey has just started.
My journey goes on. The last blog was about my struggles with current circumstances. I have more to learn about living my life with humility, faith, gratitude and hope. Every time I go to a bottom, a place of despair, it sends me right back to God, the Great Teacher. I will close this to say that I have been overwhelmed by the love and support expressed by so many of you who have followed along with this blog. You have shared your pain and your encouragement. God has used you as my inspiration. There have been times that my words were pretty raw or I was very candid about my imperfections. My hope is that my story, our story would touch others in a way that would be an encouragement. If you are struggling, find someone to reach out to. There is hope to be had. ANYTHING can be redeemed. God provides comfort through love spread among us. I know this. I experience this. If you are not struggling open your eyes and reach out to someone who is. You never know what joy or comfort you will bring with something even as small as a text. Sometimes all someone needs is to know they are not forgotten.
I cannot finish this without expressing thankfulness for my son’s recovery and being proud of his courage and willingness to have me so openly share. He is a very special young man with a remarkable story. I will honor him with a verse that I wrote in a longer poem-
“For he was his before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.
Wen- I love who you are and you are your story!
I will blog from time to time. I will run but likely not quite as much. I will be forever grateful for what this year has meant to me.
Still running the journey set before me!
He was living in his car, cold, hungry and going through withdrawals. And we knew we had to let him experience his bottom. To save him from his bottom would not save him from his addiction. We had to show our love by letting him come to recognize his own powerlessness and to turn to his one true source of power. I could no longer rescue him. He with the help of God would have to rescue himself. Believe me, that love didn’t feel very loving. I guess that’s why they call it tough love. And, it was tough on everyone involved.
During that dark time, I was wrestling with God myself. I was at my own bottom of despair. I knew that I had to step forward and do something positive to counter this pain. The idea to embark on this running and writing project was born. As you may recall if you read the first post, my plan was to run a 1000 miles in a year and document our journey and what God was teaching me along the way through this blog. Ultimately the goal was to honor what God was doing in our lives by telling our story. I yearned for this pain to be redeemed for something good. And so, I began to run and to write.
Here we are a year later. The biggest blessing this year is that my son committed to his recovery in a renewed way after he hit that bottom and was allowed to experience it in its fullness. He has made so many steps forward physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of his courage and grateful to God that my son’s story is being redeemed. I am also happy to say that I finished this project logging in 1,044 miles. It has been like running a virtual race. So many of you have cheered me on through your messages and texts and I did it!! Not bad for an old gal! I have been trying to come up with the words that would describe this last year for me. Here I am at the completion point of time bound project. I guess I want to end it with something like “that’s a wrap and take a bow…but then again…”
My son told me at his 9 month anniversary and again at his one-year anniversary that he was happy but it was just a mile marker. His journey continues and truthfully so does mine. But I need to mark this mile with some reflection. Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” I know we can be empowered by our circumstances. In the Bible, Paul tells us that in our weakness, we are made strong. And so, this morning, I sat down and read through all the blog entries. There was so much life revisited in those entries. There was illness, death, and laughter. There were friends and strangers who touched my life. There was insight. There was certainly pain and growth. There was God. And, I see my story- our story- being redeemed.
In the very first blog, my struggle was to accept the “both-and” of my circumstances. The questions of my heart were-
How do I both accept the picture of my beautiful, little tow-headed, blonde boy and the tired, face of an addict struggling to live his life?
How do I both show love for my son and yet not demonstrate it in ways that enables his disease?
How do I both give up “my” dreams for my child and not give up hope for his life?
Finally, how do I both live my life enjoying peace, joy, and gratitude and still see whatever circumstances his life is in at the moment?
That last question is a big one. At that time, I truly did not know how to resolve the conflict. I only knew that I must figure it out somehow. That has been my journey over the last year. If I had to sum up what I have learned, it could be summed up in four words- humility, faith, gratitude and hope.
I asked my son what the biggest learning had been over the past year and he described humility. He said, “I had to accept that I couldn’t stay sober and move forward without God. I needed to get out of his way and let him lead my life.” He also talked about having to do things that he didn’t want to do but needed to. Things like taking on a new sponsee in the program and speaking in front of people. He said a very wise thing- that he knew that there was no growth to be had in his comfort zone and he needed to trust others and God as they pushed him out of it. For me, just to truly accept that I was powerless over my son’s disease and that my life had become unmanageable through all the dynamics that had formed and my desire to control was a humbling recognition. It really didn’t matter how hard I tried. It was my son’s battle to fight. Someone once said to me, “your son has a God and it is not you.” I, too, needed to get out of God’s way. So, this year has been a lesson in humility. And, I needed to shift my self-reliance to a God-reliance not only for me but for my son. Just being willing to admit that I sometimes live my life as if I were God was humbling. I believe humility is first step towards allowing our faith in the fact that He is good and in control to grow. Psalms 25:9- “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”
The truth is God is all-powerful. I don’t have to be because He is!
Faith is key to living life with peace in the midst of chaos. One of the topics in an earlier blog was the fact that pain is inevitable; suffering is not. God does not promise us a life without pain. But, he does promise us strength, grace, joy and peace. When you are in a season of darkness, it seems almost impossible to believe. I had to come to the realization that although I had believed since I was a child, I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t trust myself to be sufficient either but somehow I still tried to control my circumstances and my son’s rather than to trust God with them. It has been in the gravity of our situation that we had to learn to rely on God. There was no other way; and so, this year has been an exercise in trust. And, God has proved himself trustworthy over and over again. He has guided and provided in all kinds of scenarios. It is in my weakness that God’s power has shown through. 2 Corinthians 12:9-“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect is weakness.”
Not only is God trustworthy, the truth is God is sufficient and I don’t have to be because he is.
With humility, our eyes can be fixed in faith on what God is doing in the midst of our lives no matter the circumstances. When we fix our eyes, not on our circumstances but on God’s work- his grace shed in our lives we can see our blessings and feel gratitude. We are called to give thanks in all circumstances. This was hard for me at times. I think at the times that it was hardest, I was not living from a basis of trust in God’s perfect plan for me and my son. I could not always see his provision. But what has helped is the concept of God-sight in hindsight. Looking back over time and acknowledging our God was moving even when he seemed silent. That is our story. That is what I am grateful for. The Bible promises that our stories were ordained before one of our days came to be. With that I can honor my story and carry no shame. I have definitely had lessons in gratitude.
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The truth is God is gracious and merciful and I can be thankful in all because he is.
With humility, faith, and gratitude, there is hope. God is bigger than any situation, any bad choice, and any heartache. With hope, we have courage to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and live the next moment. God promises for those who have hope, he will renew their strength, they will soar, they will run and will not grow weary. In Romans, we are told that hope does not disappoint. So, the real answer to the question of how I both live a life of joy, peace and gratitude and still acknowledge my son’s circumstances or mine own is through Hope. I hang on to the belief that God can redeem anything. He is bigger and more powerful that anything I could do or could be done to me. And I hold that truth for my son and all my children.
Psalm 130-7 “Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.”
The truth is God is the Great Redeemer and I can live in hope because of that!
So, that’s a wrap now take a bow… and then again… my journey has just started.
My journey goes on. The last blog was about my struggles with current circumstances. I have more to learn about living my life with humility, faith, gratitude and hope. Every time I go to a bottom, a place of despair, it sends me right back to God, the Great Teacher. I will close this to say that I have been overwhelmed by the love and support expressed by so many of you who have followed along with this blog. You have shared your pain and your encouragement. God has used you as my inspiration. There have been times that my words were pretty raw or I was very candid about my imperfections. My hope is that my story, our story would touch others in a way that would be an encouragement. If you are struggling, find someone to reach out to. There is hope to be had. ANYTHING can be redeemed. God provides comfort through love spread among us. I know this. I experience this. If you are not struggling open your eyes and reach out to someone who is. You never know what joy or comfort you will bring with something even as small as a text. Sometimes all someone needs is to know they are not forgotten.
I cannot finish this without expressing thankfulness for my son’s recovery and being proud of his courage and willingness to have me so openly share. He is a very special young man with a remarkable story. I will honor him with a verse that I wrote in a longer poem-
“For he was his before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
And, I now cheer for his new life begun.
Wen- I love who you are and you are your story!
I will blog from time to time. I will run but likely not quite as much. I will be forever grateful for what this year has meant to me.
Still running the journey set before me!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Feeling separate and desperate not to!
Once again, I am sitting on a long dark flight home. I am about 5 hours into the flight with 3 more to go. It is dark and I am terribly sad. Tears have spilled on and off since Saturday and this flight is no different except that it is harder to keep them back. So, I am going to write but I am not certain I will post. You see, I don’t know any way to write at this point but to be totally transparent. And yet, I feel more vulnerable than I have in long while. There are just some days that the ache of life takes over for a while. Surely, someone reading this has been there. The tears of my soul are flowing.
The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for many reasons. Everywhere I look, people need me or something from me, every area of my life feels somehow out of order, and although not generally directed towards me, others have disappointed me. And, I am certain I have disappointed them. And, it is now hard to control the tears. For me, that means my barriers are collapsing. I feel crushed.
And although I want to be back home, I really didn’t feel the usual relief or excitement to get home that I generally do as I got to the airport this morning. I mainly just feel DONE. I don’t feel well and my throat is closing but the strange thing is that it feels less like getting sick and more like being silenced by life. Like it’s symbolic of my inability to speak words of encouragement to myself, voice words that acknowledge the way forward, or speak words of faith.
All I really know to do right now is to write. And so on a piece of paper, I wrote my first sentence to try and reclaim that voice. And it was “what do I feel at this moment?” And, my answer was, “I feel hopeless and disappointed, fearful and burdened, empty, tired and ill.”
I feel beaten by life.
I feel separate from others and mostly God.
And I feel desperate not to…
I cannot go in to the details of the circumstances as there are things evolving and other details that are just not my story to tell. But my reaction to them is what I am sorting through. Believe me the last two weeks have been a challenge. And, I know things will not be the same in the next two weeks. Maybe better, maybe not, but different. And somehow, I know that God will equip me to move forward as he has before and as he has promised. But perhaps, you can relate to the times or seasons when all you can do is voice your faith and nothing in your being feels it. And, I am desperate to feel it…
I remember sitting on my deck last fall before dawn one morning when my son was in his last relapse. I had come to grips with the fact that this disease could take my son. I am not sure it was acceptance but what little remnant of denial that I could somehow fix this was gone. I knew that I could not make it different. My pride and arrogance that I somehow could have changed things had been crushed. My eyes were opened. And I was left with a deep sense of powerlessness and a desperate need to feel connected to God. I sat on that deck in the dark searching the stars for some feeling of connectedness. As the sun came up, I held my focus intently on the last flickering star as it disappeared as if it were my only connection to God. I feel like that now... Like I am looking for that one star in the darkness.
I feel separate.
And, I am desperate not to…
The reality is that I have that same sense of having my arrogance and pride crushed. I cannot make things better for others. It is God’s job and theirs to do. I need to walk my path with him and let others walk theirs. And, perhaps, it is that darn arrogance and pride that has led me to be feeling so separate. Perhaps, it is just that feeling of being crushed that will allow a space for me to feel reconnected to God. That will open my eyes to a new reality.
The truth is God works in mysterious and surprising ways. Maybe that star that I need to focus on came in the form of something entirely different today. I got on this plane planning to escape, at least for a few hours, the burden that I am feeling. My plan was to watch a whole season of House of Cards… One episode right after the other. I had seen it as an option on the flight over to London and felt it was a great way to escape my reality, my feelings on the way back. And as I sat in my seat trying to load it, it would not work. They moved me around to other seats but no there was no ability to watch that or any TV show so I was left with movies. And as I flipped through, I didn’t want anything that would take too much thought. I wasn’t in the mood for anything sad or silly. So, I chose Heaven is for Real. Now I had read the book a while ago. I expected that after the beginning, it might be uplifting. And it was but not in the way I anticipated. For some reason, I felt everything. I loved that little boy and missed that simpler time with young children. I felt sadness and pain when the boy got sick. I have dealt with a number of health crises with my kids and it brought all that emotion up. I felt that anger when the Dad asked God why he would take his son and I felt the confusion of trying to make sense of life through your beliefs. Certainly, I have wrestled with those questions. And, tears poured down my face the entire movie. I was thankful for the dark.
But what really got to me where some words in the sermon at the end. He opened his Bible with this note written.
Only faith opens our eyes
God is love
On earth as it is in heaven
The pastor said, “God crushed my pride and opened my eyes”. He went on to say basically that we are all given different lives to lead and God gives us glimpses of himself in different ways. We can see him in the 1st cry of a baby, or the courage of a friend, or in a thousand other ways. We get glimpses of Heaven and of God, and yet, we often choose to exist in the Hell of hate or fear (or for me self-reliance). I rewound those 9 minutes of the movie several times. At the very end, the pastor said something to the effect that God is love (on heaven and on earth) and we are called to let others know that they loved and that they are not alone. I don’t intend to debate the theology of the movie. But, maybe God was sending me his love through the words spoken in a movie to me. He has allowed me to be crushed and has blocked my plans and now he has spoken to me. He sent that star in a form that I could hear at this moment.
He has given me voice to my soul through my writing. I still feel sad but I choose to look for glimpses of Heaven on earth. I will claim God’s promise to soar on the wings of eagles over and above the circumstances of the day. And perhaps, I do feel
A little less separate and little more connected
A little less desperate and little more peace…
And with God on my side I will run and not grow weary...
The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for many reasons. Everywhere I look, people need me or something from me, every area of my life feels somehow out of order, and although not generally directed towards me, others have disappointed me. And, I am certain I have disappointed them. And, it is now hard to control the tears. For me, that means my barriers are collapsing. I feel crushed.
And although I want to be back home, I really didn’t feel the usual relief or excitement to get home that I generally do as I got to the airport this morning. I mainly just feel DONE. I don’t feel well and my throat is closing but the strange thing is that it feels less like getting sick and more like being silenced by life. Like it’s symbolic of my inability to speak words of encouragement to myself, voice words that acknowledge the way forward, or speak words of faith.
All I really know to do right now is to write. And so on a piece of paper, I wrote my first sentence to try and reclaim that voice. And it was “what do I feel at this moment?” And, my answer was, “I feel hopeless and disappointed, fearful and burdened, empty, tired and ill.”
I feel beaten by life.
I feel separate from others and mostly God.
And I feel desperate not to…
I cannot go in to the details of the circumstances as there are things evolving and other details that are just not my story to tell. But my reaction to them is what I am sorting through. Believe me the last two weeks have been a challenge. And, I know things will not be the same in the next two weeks. Maybe better, maybe not, but different. And somehow, I know that God will equip me to move forward as he has before and as he has promised. But perhaps, you can relate to the times or seasons when all you can do is voice your faith and nothing in your being feels it. And, I am desperate to feel it…
I remember sitting on my deck last fall before dawn one morning when my son was in his last relapse. I had come to grips with the fact that this disease could take my son. I am not sure it was acceptance but what little remnant of denial that I could somehow fix this was gone. I knew that I could not make it different. My pride and arrogance that I somehow could have changed things had been crushed. My eyes were opened. And I was left with a deep sense of powerlessness and a desperate need to feel connected to God. I sat on that deck in the dark searching the stars for some feeling of connectedness. As the sun came up, I held my focus intently on the last flickering star as it disappeared as if it were my only connection to God. I feel like that now... Like I am looking for that one star in the darkness.
I feel separate.
And, I am desperate not to…
The reality is that I have that same sense of having my arrogance and pride crushed. I cannot make things better for others. It is God’s job and theirs to do. I need to walk my path with him and let others walk theirs. And, perhaps, it is that darn arrogance and pride that has led me to be feeling so separate. Perhaps, it is just that feeling of being crushed that will allow a space for me to feel reconnected to God. That will open my eyes to a new reality.
The truth is God works in mysterious and surprising ways. Maybe that star that I need to focus on came in the form of something entirely different today. I got on this plane planning to escape, at least for a few hours, the burden that I am feeling. My plan was to watch a whole season of House of Cards… One episode right after the other. I had seen it as an option on the flight over to London and felt it was a great way to escape my reality, my feelings on the way back. And as I sat in my seat trying to load it, it would not work. They moved me around to other seats but no there was no ability to watch that or any TV show so I was left with movies. And as I flipped through, I didn’t want anything that would take too much thought. I wasn’t in the mood for anything sad or silly. So, I chose Heaven is for Real. Now I had read the book a while ago. I expected that after the beginning, it might be uplifting. And it was but not in the way I anticipated. For some reason, I felt everything. I loved that little boy and missed that simpler time with young children. I felt sadness and pain when the boy got sick. I have dealt with a number of health crises with my kids and it brought all that emotion up. I felt that anger when the Dad asked God why he would take his son and I felt the confusion of trying to make sense of life through your beliefs. Certainly, I have wrestled with those questions. And, tears poured down my face the entire movie. I was thankful for the dark.
But what really got to me where some words in the sermon at the end. He opened his Bible with this note written.
Only faith opens our eyes
God is love
On earth as it is in heaven
The pastor said, “God crushed my pride and opened my eyes”. He went on to say basically that we are all given different lives to lead and God gives us glimpses of himself in different ways. We can see him in the 1st cry of a baby, or the courage of a friend, or in a thousand other ways. We get glimpses of Heaven and of God, and yet, we often choose to exist in the Hell of hate or fear (or for me self-reliance). I rewound those 9 minutes of the movie several times. At the very end, the pastor said something to the effect that God is love (on heaven and on earth) and we are called to let others know that they loved and that they are not alone. I don’t intend to debate the theology of the movie. But, maybe God was sending me his love through the words spoken in a movie to me. He has allowed me to be crushed and has blocked my plans and now he has spoken to me. He sent that star in a form that I could hear at this moment.
He has given me voice to my soul through my writing. I still feel sad but I choose to look for glimpses of Heaven on earth. I will claim God’s promise to soar on the wings of eagles over and above the circumstances of the day. And perhaps, I do feel
A little less separate and little more connected
A little less desperate and little more peace…
And with God on my side I will run and not grow weary...
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Different but the same at the core...
Today in our sermon at church, we talked about a verse in I Corinthians which described the body of believers, the Church. “…But that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” I looked up that verse and then read back several verses at the beginning of the chapter. It was talking about spiritual gifts. It speaks about the fact that there are different gifts, different kinds of service and different workings, and they all come from the same God. Different but the same at the core…
Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.
Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.
We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.
It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.
I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.
The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.
Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…
I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!
Today I have been thinking about the past day or so. As I approach my year mark on this writing and running project, I have also begun to start a little introspection about what this time has meant to me and what I have learned. One thing that I have learned is that people are important. Now I knew that at some level but as I have shed the burden of the shame of our situation or the grieving for the outcomes of my own imagination, it has taken the focus off of me and opened a space to connect with others in different way. I have learned that our stories are all important. They are precious and holy times that no matter how difficult, God can work good through those stories. He connects us in our tragedies if we will let him. He brings out our gifts as we deal with the road before us. Those verses in I Corinthians suggest to me that we are connected and we are different. That is exactly God’s plan.
Last night, I watched the Ole Miss Rebels lose a heartbreaking game for a chance to be in the play-offs. We were a loyal and hopeful fan base as we cheered from Oxford or in front of the TV. But at the end, as one of our best players sustained a season-ending injury and his potentially winning touchdown was ruled as a fumble, our immediate hopes for a different outcome were ended. The comments flowing in on Facebook used words like heartbreaking, shock, sadness, and bereft. We identified as a family and were sad for each other, the team, and our player. We all suffered at some level.
We do that. We form allegiances with those we believe we share commonalities. And we suffer together when one suffers. But sometimes, we form barriers with whom we see differences. We judge those differences. Today, it is happening all over the world with various groups. One group judges another and persecutes that group believing that the other group is less than or even worse- not worthy to be. There are Christians being persecuted for their faith. Today is a Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. I heard one statistic this morning that year to date there are 100,000 who have been killed for their faith in 2014. The difference in our faith is bringing judgment down in the form of terrible persecution.
It is easy to hear that statistic and be appalled, saddened, and feel helpless. How can we effect a change on areas so far away? We can certainly pray. But I think that we can live our lives differently and in honor of the message that Paul gave us in the book of 1 Corinthians. He gave us a picture of the Church- we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. And we are different but the same at the core. We are children of God. How could there more value than that? We are also called to love and have been given a great description of what love looks like and the importance. We are told love is patient and kind not envious and boastful. It is not self-seeking or easily angered and delights in truth not evil. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And, earlier in the passages, we learned that it does not judge. We are not called to judge, only God can judge. There are those who judge in the world. They judge the difference. There are those who persecute on a large scale. And there are those who persecute difference on a much smaller scale. Just read a Facebook newsfeed and I am betting you will see some of that in the coming week during mid-term elections. Some discourse will be focused on truth and respectful dialogue about important issues and other comments just meant to accuse or attack will scroll through.
I sat in a line for 2 hours in the cold and rain waiting to vote yesterday. I bonded with the 4 people right around me who waiting those miserable 2 hours. We talked, laughed, and commiserated about the blowing rain. We talked about our kids, community activities, work and retirement. And, I looked nothing like these other 4. I am quite sure based on some conversations that occurred with the pollsters that I have a very different political bent. I have some strong feelings about the state of the union so I waited in that weather to cast my vote. The reality is that they also felt it was a very important time to cast their vote as well. Not just because it is important to exercise their vote but because there were important issues to address. I suspect that their desire for change was just as heartfelt as mine even if the outcome of their vote may have been different. But my lesson yesterday is that we had things in common like love of family, community, and faith. This little group of 5 had common desires. We were different in many ways but at the core we were more common than not. It struck me that we need to learn to “seek to understand”. Perhaps we can then join in a common points and work together to keep this country strong.
The issue of Christian persecution across the globe or the US political system may seem too big to tackle as one person. The truth is we can pray but the only thing else we can do is live our lives as we have been called to do. We have a perfect image of being a part of the Church and to love. We have different paths and gifts all ordained by God. We have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive. And, we are not the Judge. There have been times when I personally have assumed the role of a judge. I have let a perceived difference create a boundary to relationship. I have not sought to understand. And, I have not loved. As I have walked this path of addiction in our family, I have also been judged, felt boundaries raised, suffered due to the lack of understanding of others about this disease and my child. And I felt lonely rather than loved. So, what I am trying to do is learn to reach out to others. So rather than be bitter, forgive. Rather than be fearful, have faith. Rather than judge, connect. Rather than disregard, show respect. Our paths and challenges may be different, but they all matter. My path might be lighter at this moment and I can pass my lantern of love over to illuminate the darkness of someone else’s path.
Today, is anybody willing to join me in reaching across difference in joining with someone else by honoring their story and finding a place to connect? We can learn to suffer and rejoice together. We can be an example of the Church to others. We can learn to engage in difference. And, we can live our lives as an expression of love- one day, one interaction, one story, one person at a time…
I think today I am going to run in love and in support of Laquon Treadwell- may his healing be perfect and swift!
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