I have always loved a change in seasons. I am usually surprised how quickly the time passes but happy for the new opportunities or changes that each new season brings. And in terms of life, I used to say as the children grew up that I loved every phase. Even things like tantrums at 3 were just a phase and would pass quickly. They would learn to do and be something new shortly. Well, that is easy to say when they are little but harder as they get older. Time does pass quickly and new seasons bring joy and can also bring sadness. This has been one of those milestone weeks for both my middle son and for me as he prepares to leave for school. We attended his college orientation. The specific purpose was to provide information about the school, resources and get students registered for class. The bigger purpose, however, was the successful transition of the student. They reinforced a change in mindset that includes the following success factors: Approach college like a job, Go to class, Embrace the curriculum, Spend 3 hours a week for every hour spent in class, Understand expectations and set high personal goals, Learn to think and ask a lot of questions, Get connected, and Use your resources. They also reinforced that the specific knowledge gained and grades was not the most important learning that occurs during this time. It is the approach to thinking, learning about your personal passions and strengths through a variety of experiences, and learning to live on your own and work with others that makes for a successful adult.
Another area noted over and over is the significant role that a parent plays in the transition. They talked a lot about moving from an orchestrator to a coach. I know at a different school session that we sat through when we were visiting campuses; they really encouraged parents to begin that process during your child’s senior year. Two big areas they pushed were turning laundry over to your kids (which kids weren’t thrilled with) and eliminate curfews (which the parents weren’t thrilled with).Our generation of parents have been very involved perhaps to the detriment of our kids. We have scheduled, cajoled, and intervened in such a way that many of our kids regardless of their grades and activities are not equipped to manage on their own. A few years ago, I heard a long time educator from a well-respected private college talk about the shift she had seen in her incoming students. She said they would get their syllabus and call her asking a million questions about the deliverables and then wonder how they could possibly manage that. They would become overly stressed. She even had parents call and ask questions about that very document or ask to come and sit with the professor and the student. She said although kids coming in are among the brightest, they are often expecting to be spoon fed, needing a lot of structure provided for them, and haven’t had to work through their own challenges which makes college a very difficult transition.
The reality is that in part, in order for our child to grow into a competent, confident, and successful adult rather than a fearful, insecure or entitled adult, parents must deal with their own transition. So, what does it mean to transition? As I think about that, here is where my heart is leading and teaching me. My intent has always been to protect and support my children. If I am truthful though, it has been during the struggles that I personally learned the most and have grown as a person. Certainly, my parents’ character and teachings have assisted in the process. But it has really been my faith and struggling through the circumstance that allowed me to apply what they had taught me. So, when we do not let our children struggle, they don’t get the opportunity to apply or the confidence that comes from managing through a challenge personally and the increased faith that can result. It is hard to acknowledge that our loving intent can have a detrimental impact to our kids. I need to remember to think about the impact as I learn to engage differently as a coach with my son.
As a coach, we need to shift more as an advisor. That doesn’t mean that we no longer have expectations of our children. Communicate early what those expectations are as it relates to classwork, other activities, finances and areas of ongoing communication. But, we need to be careful not to have expectations that prevent the child from living out their life’s path and forces them into our version of how their adult life should go. They were created uniquely for their time on this earth. They should be encouraged to explore that so we must be open to their perspective on what they want to get out of their time in college. We should understand the resources that are available to our child and encourage them to leverage those resources. Help them deal with challenges through exploring ways to move through it. Be careful, not to jump to solution. It is theirs to solve with our support. I personally know how hard that can be to do…
Whether it is your first child or last child, your life changes as your role changes. Many of us define ourselves by our role as a parent. It is not all that we are though. It can be incredibly sad as that phase of our lives draws to a close. I have really had moments of sadness in the last week. As I filmed the last relay event of our summer swim championships yesterday, I cheered as my son's team took first place and then the tears flowed. I looked over at my friend whose son has been one of my son’s best buddies and has been on this relay team since they were 7. We are sad that this part of our lives with them is over. But, life is about seasons and this opens up to new opportunities. Time to explore other areas of interest or passion is often difficult to come by when you are raising children. But as they move on, we can focus on ourselves, building other relationships and finding other meaningful ways to contribute in this world. God’s plan for us is not done. We have a new season to experience. And, that does provide hope to me.
Lastly, I continue to focus on building my faith and trust that God is and will be with my son on that college campus. He has a plan for my son and is working it through despite future challenges and imperfect choices. This is an easy one for my head and a tough one for my heart. I sent another son off to college not so long ago with great joy and expectations. It ended up differently that I had hoped for. And yet, he is on a path and I know that God is with him. I have to hang on to that hope that God is leading my children even when they are not aware. He is moving towards all that he has promised for his children. I read a verse today that I will repeat often in the future found in Deuteronomy. The background is that God chose Joshua to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land after Moses. There were challenges and enemies before them. In Dt 31:6, Moses spoke to the people and Joshua saying “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.”
I realize that as I write this, these same learnings- actions can have loving intent but be detrimental, my life will change as my role changes, and I must build my faith and trust in order to actually shift how I demonstrate love for my child- actually perfectly apply to my experience with my older son’s addiction and recovery. I had a professional once say to me that "I was loving my child to death". The longer I do not hold him accountable and financially support him, the longer it will take for him to engage successfully in his own recovery. And, an addict does not always have time. I finally could not bear the possibility that my providing money was harming my child and could fund an overdose. And my managing the solution to a problem sent a message to him that he was not capable and reinforced the feelings of shame and inadequacies that already existed. He could still overdose but I would not be a part of it any longer. It ripped my heart out to see him struggle. And yet, 7 months later, he is making real progress on his own with me as a coach and supporter but not an orchestrator.
Also, as my role changed, so my life changed as well. I have been able through Alanon, this blog and other things to grow and add different activities, people and richness to my life. And lastly, it has absolutely been building my faith and trust. In the end, it is the only thing that provides peace for a mother of a child that struggles with addiction even when they are in recovery. My son and I are both growing in this new season of life.
So, my prayer today for all those parents, struggling adult children, or kids starting a new phase in life is “May you be strong and courageous and without fear, for the Lord goes before you and with you and never forsakes you as he leads you to your Promised Land and all that he has planned for you in this season.”
Today, I run in honor of my son's new season of life and mine….
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Thank God! His ways are higher...
This has been a week of real contemplation for me. I have been doing Alanon step work focused on Step Three which specifically addresses deciding to turn my will and my life over to God. As a Christian, this seemed like an easy step to me when I originally read it. I guess it seemed straightforward because I turned my life over to God a long time ago. The reality is that I often still live my life like it is contingent on others rather than God. And, it is my will that really gets me in trouble. God has opened my eyes to this and taught me this week through my own struggles as well as others dealing with difficult circumstances.
At an Alanon meeting on Monday as we shared different things that we had going on, I told the group about a meltdown that I had over the weekend. I felt as though my kids did not appreciate anything I did. I raced home from work to get a dinner on the table only to find out later that everyone had made plans elsewhere for the second time that week. I asked for some chores to be done which had not been completed. Lastly, I had hoped for some time with the kids but they wanted to stay at their Dad’s over the weekend. Now much of this is very familiar to other parents of teenagers. But somehow, this time I read their behavior as a message that they don’t really love me or as much as others. And, they don’t really appreciate how hard I work to provide in every way for them. Lastly, they don’t even like me and won’t be here later in life…A little extreme, don’t you think? I took a little trip to “Crazy Town” and assumed the role of martyr with a capital M. I let them know just how hurt I was. They were completely caught off guard with the level of emotion that was then heaped on them. I clearly had projected the motivations of their heart, was frustrated by their plans, and expected their love to be demonstrated in the way that I wanted it to be and when I needed it. Lastly, I knew I should pray first and wait for a moment before reacting out of emotion, but thought I could handle it on my own. I was wrong. My timing, my strength, and my way equaled my will. This way of approaching life translated into hurt for both me and my kids.
I was still feeling unloved on Monday as I told that story even though I knew I had overreacted. My sponsor pulled me aside after the meeting. Knowing that I was working on Step Three, she suggested that I needed to think about who I had decided to turn my will or my life over to in this scenario. I bristled initially a little at her comment. Surely, she was not going to accuse me of turning my will over to my children. I had not given away my will. It was alive and well. I had however, given my life over in a way to my kids. Regardless, I was not focused on God in the midst. The reality is that I can lose my focus, my peace, and my joy when my plan is not met by others and my will is thwarted… As I paid attention to that this week, I see how often that really occurs. I have prayed that God would show me my shortcomings of the heart and provide encouragement to really “let go and let God”.
And, God has done just that. He has shown up in various ways all week creating awareness and teaching me through others. In order to even begin to trust God enough to turn over my life and will, I must accept and see his love for me. He started with a small child that Monday night. When my sponsor stopped to talk to me about the story that I had shared, the 3-year old grandchild of my friend looked over at me. She was precious and had crawled up between her grandmother and me on the coach during our meeting. I waved my fingers by my side to give a little hello but turned my attention to the conversation. The next thing I know, she came and put her little hand in mine. She held my hand until my sponsor finished talking to me and then quietly ran off. She doesn’t know me. This seems like a small thing but that little loving hand was just enough to allow me to let down my defenses and hear what my sponsor was saying. I felt God’s love through the hand of that child.
So, I wanted to share a few things that I have learned this week about shifting from my strength, my timing, and my way to God’s strength, His timing, and His way. I will start with My Strength. If I am truthful, I tend to operate in a mode of self-reliance more often than a conscious state of reliance on God. This was a tough week. I started the week in a very emotional spot. There was also a lot going on at work and at home. I had activities every night and was struggling to sleep. And, I was really struggling with worries. On Wednesday, I physically gave out and left work mid-afternoon. But, I was reminded of a gift that I had been given the day before when reading the words a dear friend struggling with cancer had shared. She, too, was weary physically and emotionally as she battled her circumstances. Her sweet daughter sent a note one morning that shared Isaiah 40:31, “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Then her sweet daughter said, “be an eagle today Mama”. It was a beautiful reminder that my strength is limited and not equipped to handle the circumstances of this world. But, my God’s is. Trusting in him and relying on his strength, we can all be eagles. We can walk, run, and soar no matter our circumstances. So, I pray for His Strength today.
My Timing- the hardest thing for me is to wait almost for anything. I want to know when, where and how something will be delivered as if the world revolves around me. It is clearly a control thing for me. I plan and hope things will occur in my timing and I worry until it resolves itself. I recognize this about myself. As I pray, I try to address this need for control with God and the corresponding worry. But I am continually challenged to trust that God is working in my life and the lives of my children especially when there is a need and God seems quiet. I really want to trust as I wait but often I still worry. This week, words from a man struggling with the waiting associated with cancer- waiting for test results, a treatment plan, and then waiting for results again- were taking its toll. But he heard a sermon about looking at life through segments of love-chances to love and be loved. So, rather than waiting for something to happen out in the future, be present and love your way through the waiting. Focusing on love will focus you on remaining in God as God is love. As we remain in God, we build trust in him to grace us in his timing. Isaiah 30:18, “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” So today, I thank God for his timing.
The final question that I struggled with is do I really trust God with the outcome? Can I put aside MY Plan and trust his way, His Plan. My head knows that God has it all. He created it and he is in control no matter what our circumstances are. Our God is bigger than any problem or circumstance. On this earth, we are often faced with problems that are bigger than we are. Dealing with addiction, is one of those problems. We try to help, support, discipline, cajole, or shame our loved ones into sobriety. It never works that way. I know for me that I really had to work at trusting God’s plan for my son. I wanted to take control and fix it. My plan didn’t work though. So, I learned that I had to accept the pervasiveness of the disease and turn it over to God. If your will and your life are focused on the disease, it is not possible to find your peace and joy. That comes from God so our focus must first be on God. This applies to other challenges as well like work issues, financial issues, and relationship issues. When our focus is externally driven on situations or people in our lives, our emotions can tend to rise and fall as things go. We have turned our lives over to our circumstances. There are times when my heart takes over and I want a certain outcome. But real peace and joy available through God is not dependent on our external circumstances or our plan. When things are particularly hard and we do not understand why, faith allows us to trust God that he is in control no matter what it looks like. So, I go back to this verse. Isaiah 55:8,9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, said the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Finally today, I praise God for HIS Perfect Plan.
I am hanging on to this very thought as we try to understand the unexpected death of a family friend yesterday. She was a mother to teenagers still at home and never woke up from an afternoon nap. How do you make sense of that? You can’t based on our limited understanding, I don’t understand the timing, I can’t fix the hurt for this family, and I can’t really understand while God called her home so young. But I have to trust that His timing is perfect, His strength is enough to give the family what they need to endure this loss, and that His plan is still working everything to the good in their lives even death. That is not an outcome that I would have ever chosen. But, I trust that no matter what God is in control. That is the hope of my faith. Because of that hope, I don’t have to understand but can rely on him. He has it!! Thankfully, today I live with the hope that I can turn my life and will over to God. He is trustworthy, all-powerful, and all-loving.
And so, although I run with a heavy heart this evening, I also run with hope!
At an Alanon meeting on Monday as we shared different things that we had going on, I told the group about a meltdown that I had over the weekend. I felt as though my kids did not appreciate anything I did. I raced home from work to get a dinner on the table only to find out later that everyone had made plans elsewhere for the second time that week. I asked for some chores to be done which had not been completed. Lastly, I had hoped for some time with the kids but they wanted to stay at their Dad’s over the weekend. Now much of this is very familiar to other parents of teenagers. But somehow, this time I read their behavior as a message that they don’t really love me or as much as others. And, they don’t really appreciate how hard I work to provide in every way for them. Lastly, they don’t even like me and won’t be here later in life…A little extreme, don’t you think? I took a little trip to “Crazy Town” and assumed the role of martyr with a capital M. I let them know just how hurt I was. They were completely caught off guard with the level of emotion that was then heaped on them. I clearly had projected the motivations of their heart, was frustrated by their plans, and expected their love to be demonstrated in the way that I wanted it to be and when I needed it. Lastly, I knew I should pray first and wait for a moment before reacting out of emotion, but thought I could handle it on my own. I was wrong. My timing, my strength, and my way equaled my will. This way of approaching life translated into hurt for both me and my kids.
I was still feeling unloved on Monday as I told that story even though I knew I had overreacted. My sponsor pulled me aside after the meeting. Knowing that I was working on Step Three, she suggested that I needed to think about who I had decided to turn my will or my life over to in this scenario. I bristled initially a little at her comment. Surely, she was not going to accuse me of turning my will over to my children. I had not given away my will. It was alive and well. I had however, given my life over in a way to my kids. Regardless, I was not focused on God in the midst. The reality is that I can lose my focus, my peace, and my joy when my plan is not met by others and my will is thwarted… As I paid attention to that this week, I see how often that really occurs. I have prayed that God would show me my shortcomings of the heart and provide encouragement to really “let go and let God”.
And, God has done just that. He has shown up in various ways all week creating awareness and teaching me through others. In order to even begin to trust God enough to turn over my life and will, I must accept and see his love for me. He started with a small child that Monday night. When my sponsor stopped to talk to me about the story that I had shared, the 3-year old grandchild of my friend looked over at me. She was precious and had crawled up between her grandmother and me on the coach during our meeting. I waved my fingers by my side to give a little hello but turned my attention to the conversation. The next thing I know, she came and put her little hand in mine. She held my hand until my sponsor finished talking to me and then quietly ran off. She doesn’t know me. This seems like a small thing but that little loving hand was just enough to allow me to let down my defenses and hear what my sponsor was saying. I felt God’s love through the hand of that child.
So, I wanted to share a few things that I have learned this week about shifting from my strength, my timing, and my way to God’s strength, His timing, and His way. I will start with My Strength. If I am truthful, I tend to operate in a mode of self-reliance more often than a conscious state of reliance on God. This was a tough week. I started the week in a very emotional spot. There was also a lot going on at work and at home. I had activities every night and was struggling to sleep. And, I was really struggling with worries. On Wednesday, I physically gave out and left work mid-afternoon. But, I was reminded of a gift that I had been given the day before when reading the words a dear friend struggling with cancer had shared. She, too, was weary physically and emotionally as she battled her circumstances. Her sweet daughter sent a note one morning that shared Isaiah 40:31, “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Then her sweet daughter said, “be an eagle today Mama”. It was a beautiful reminder that my strength is limited and not equipped to handle the circumstances of this world. But, my God’s is. Trusting in him and relying on his strength, we can all be eagles. We can walk, run, and soar no matter our circumstances. So, I pray for His Strength today.
My Timing- the hardest thing for me is to wait almost for anything. I want to know when, where and how something will be delivered as if the world revolves around me. It is clearly a control thing for me. I plan and hope things will occur in my timing and I worry until it resolves itself. I recognize this about myself. As I pray, I try to address this need for control with God and the corresponding worry. But I am continually challenged to trust that God is working in my life and the lives of my children especially when there is a need and God seems quiet. I really want to trust as I wait but often I still worry. This week, words from a man struggling with the waiting associated with cancer- waiting for test results, a treatment plan, and then waiting for results again- were taking its toll. But he heard a sermon about looking at life through segments of love-chances to love and be loved. So, rather than waiting for something to happen out in the future, be present and love your way through the waiting. Focusing on love will focus you on remaining in God as God is love. As we remain in God, we build trust in him to grace us in his timing. Isaiah 30:18, “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” So today, I thank God for his timing.
The final question that I struggled with is do I really trust God with the outcome? Can I put aside MY Plan and trust his way, His Plan. My head knows that God has it all. He created it and he is in control no matter what our circumstances are. Our God is bigger than any problem or circumstance. On this earth, we are often faced with problems that are bigger than we are. Dealing with addiction, is one of those problems. We try to help, support, discipline, cajole, or shame our loved ones into sobriety. It never works that way. I know for me that I really had to work at trusting God’s plan for my son. I wanted to take control and fix it. My plan didn’t work though. So, I learned that I had to accept the pervasiveness of the disease and turn it over to God. If your will and your life are focused on the disease, it is not possible to find your peace and joy. That comes from God so our focus must first be on God. This applies to other challenges as well like work issues, financial issues, and relationship issues. When our focus is externally driven on situations or people in our lives, our emotions can tend to rise and fall as things go. We have turned our lives over to our circumstances. There are times when my heart takes over and I want a certain outcome. But real peace and joy available through God is not dependent on our external circumstances or our plan. When things are particularly hard and we do not understand why, faith allows us to trust God that he is in control no matter what it looks like. So, I go back to this verse. Isaiah 55:8,9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, said the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Finally today, I praise God for HIS Perfect Plan.
I am hanging on to this very thought as we try to understand the unexpected death of a family friend yesterday. She was a mother to teenagers still at home and never woke up from an afternoon nap. How do you make sense of that? You can’t based on our limited understanding, I don’t understand the timing, I can’t fix the hurt for this family, and I can’t really understand while God called her home so young. But I have to trust that His timing is perfect, His strength is enough to give the family what they need to endure this loss, and that His plan is still working everything to the good in their lives even death. That is not an outcome that I would have ever chosen. But, I trust that no matter what God is in control. That is the hope of my faith. Because of that hope, I don’t have to understand but can rely on him. He has it!! Thankfully, today I live with the hope that I can turn my life and will over to God. He is trustworthy, all-powerful, and all-loving.
And so, although I run with a heavy heart this evening, I also run with hope!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Be still and listen
Be still and know that I am God…
The concept of being still and listening for God in the midst of our daily lives has been the topic that grabbed my attention this week. I was blessed the earlier part of the week to spend a few days with my girlfriends at the beach. For those of you who love the beach, close your eyes and I am sure you can hear the sounds of the waves coming in and out and the sounds of the seagulls. If you focus on listening to those sounds, I promise that you will slow your breathing and you will begin to hear even more… It is the place that I feel the closest to God.
The other blessing was stepping out of our day-to-day lives and responsibilities and just taking time to be together and to talk and laugh. As with old friends, our conversation ebbed and flowed. It moved from stories of our teenage years, to our children, to our challenges and concerns, and then back to old stories, again. A lot of shared life from our past was remembered. And, a lot of life that needed to shared even since last year’s beach trip was discussed. Even in the course of a year, life had brought many blessings and many challenges into the lives of these special women. We were still and we really listened.
I also ran across a blog entry from an old friend, JB, that touched my heart about listening to your life. It started with a quote from Frederick Buechner’s “Listening to your Life”. The excerpt was “Listen to your life. See ii for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness; touch, taste, smell, your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” I acknowledge how easy it is for me to move along the surface, categorize circumstances as positive or negative, just focus on taking the next step or getting to some point on the calendar, and miss the depth of life all around me. I know that I don’t spend enough time living life in the realization of life as a mystery unfolding that God set in motion. Or, that all in life is an expression of grace.
So, I have stopped this week and intentionally took some moments to be still and listen. When I usually walk out on my deck, my first reaction is to look at the flower pots, see the watering and cleaning that needs to be done, and then glance out to the lake and enjoy the view for a minute and on to the next thing. I see the surface. This morning I decided to say my prayers out on the deck. I first closed my eyes and just listened. The quieter I got, the more I heard the individual voices in nature’s chorus. I could hear different songbirds, the buzz of different insects, the croak of the frogs, the birds landing on the water- God’s natural creation living together. And, I felt peace. It is amazing how God weaved together all this creation to sustain this world for his supreme creation, his children. It is such a picture of his love, creativity, and his grace.
When life feels out of control or God feels distant, take a minute to be still and listen to God’s natural creation. You will experience God…
As I had the opportunity to listen to the stories of my friends this week at the beach, I had the time to engage at a deeper level. To listen for the unsaid things. To listen for ways to reflect love back to them. I am trying to continue that awareness as I have returned back to life at work, at home, at swim meets, and so on…What I am seeing is that when you are listening, it opens your perspective and provides you the possibility to engage more deeply with those whom God has placed in your life. You can better hear their struggles and provide support or encouragement. You can hear what bouys their spirit and celebrate that. You can understand better what may drive behavior and be less critical or take responses less personally. That ability allows you to engage in a healthier relationship. In the end, you can better see people as God’s creation and ways to be God’s hands and feet to them and in this world.
So, even when you are busy, take a minute to be still and listen to God’s children. You will experience God and be able to reflect his love to others…
Lastly, God does speak to us. He speaks to us through nature, his children, his Word and his Spirit. We are his children and he is our Father. It is a personal relationship and a journey. And I believe that the more you listen, the more you see Him, the more peace you have and the more confidence to live your life. When I decided to write this blog, my prayer was that it would be helpful to others and glorifying to God. I do try to listen to what the Spirit is telling me. I do that better some weeks than others. This week after reading that blog I mentioned earlier and focusing on listening, I wrote some thoughts down yesterday but did not write the blog. I felt that I was not quite ready to write. This morning I decided that I would read my devotion, pray, and be still first before beginning to write. And God definitely spoke encouragement. My devotion was actually about stillness! I then prayed on my deck in the stillness. His nature made His presence palpable to me.
Finally, when you are caught up in the visible aspects of life, take a minute to be still and listen to God. You will experience God and rest in peace by focusing on the things that are unseen…
Recently, I talked to a mother who is in the really raw stage of dealing with her child’s addiction. Her pain brought tears to my eyes as I remember that pain so well. I was there not so long ago. Your world gets fixated on your child’s disease and the fear of the implications of that disease. Your world can get really small and dark. I can’t help but wonder if I had practiced being still and listening more that I would have been able to support my son earlier from a place of peace and not of fear. I have learned to do that more now. A family member of an addict especially a parent wants to “fix it”. But, what I am learning is that I cannot “fix it” but I can support it and be God’s hands if my eyes are focused on God rather than the disease. So, I will continue to be intentional about remembering his words to “Be still and know that I am God.” He is God. He created our loved ones. He loves them and walks their path right by their side. And focusing on that unseen but real love of God can bring peace.
I can’t finish without being thankful that many of us have had the great blessing to learn about the character of God the Father through our earthly father’s love.
So today, I run yearning to listen more and experience God the Father and in gratitude for my sweet father who has taught me much about love!
The concept of being still and listening for God in the midst of our daily lives has been the topic that grabbed my attention this week. I was blessed the earlier part of the week to spend a few days with my girlfriends at the beach. For those of you who love the beach, close your eyes and I am sure you can hear the sounds of the waves coming in and out and the sounds of the seagulls. If you focus on listening to those sounds, I promise that you will slow your breathing and you will begin to hear even more… It is the place that I feel the closest to God.
The other blessing was stepping out of our day-to-day lives and responsibilities and just taking time to be together and to talk and laugh. As with old friends, our conversation ebbed and flowed. It moved from stories of our teenage years, to our children, to our challenges and concerns, and then back to old stories, again. A lot of shared life from our past was remembered. And, a lot of life that needed to shared even since last year’s beach trip was discussed. Even in the course of a year, life had brought many blessings and many challenges into the lives of these special women. We were still and we really listened.
I also ran across a blog entry from an old friend, JB, that touched my heart about listening to your life. It started with a quote from Frederick Buechner’s “Listening to your Life”. The excerpt was “Listen to your life. See ii for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness; touch, taste, smell, your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” I acknowledge how easy it is for me to move along the surface, categorize circumstances as positive or negative, just focus on taking the next step or getting to some point on the calendar, and miss the depth of life all around me. I know that I don’t spend enough time living life in the realization of life as a mystery unfolding that God set in motion. Or, that all in life is an expression of grace.
So, I have stopped this week and intentionally took some moments to be still and listen. When I usually walk out on my deck, my first reaction is to look at the flower pots, see the watering and cleaning that needs to be done, and then glance out to the lake and enjoy the view for a minute and on to the next thing. I see the surface. This morning I decided to say my prayers out on the deck. I first closed my eyes and just listened. The quieter I got, the more I heard the individual voices in nature’s chorus. I could hear different songbirds, the buzz of different insects, the croak of the frogs, the birds landing on the water- God’s natural creation living together. And, I felt peace. It is amazing how God weaved together all this creation to sustain this world for his supreme creation, his children. It is such a picture of his love, creativity, and his grace.
When life feels out of control or God feels distant, take a minute to be still and listen to God’s natural creation. You will experience God…
As I had the opportunity to listen to the stories of my friends this week at the beach, I had the time to engage at a deeper level. To listen for the unsaid things. To listen for ways to reflect love back to them. I am trying to continue that awareness as I have returned back to life at work, at home, at swim meets, and so on…What I am seeing is that when you are listening, it opens your perspective and provides you the possibility to engage more deeply with those whom God has placed in your life. You can better hear their struggles and provide support or encouragement. You can hear what bouys their spirit and celebrate that. You can understand better what may drive behavior and be less critical or take responses less personally. That ability allows you to engage in a healthier relationship. In the end, you can better see people as God’s creation and ways to be God’s hands and feet to them and in this world.
So, even when you are busy, take a minute to be still and listen to God’s children. You will experience God and be able to reflect his love to others…
Lastly, God does speak to us. He speaks to us through nature, his children, his Word and his Spirit. We are his children and he is our Father. It is a personal relationship and a journey. And I believe that the more you listen, the more you see Him, the more peace you have and the more confidence to live your life. When I decided to write this blog, my prayer was that it would be helpful to others and glorifying to God. I do try to listen to what the Spirit is telling me. I do that better some weeks than others. This week after reading that blog I mentioned earlier and focusing on listening, I wrote some thoughts down yesterday but did not write the blog. I felt that I was not quite ready to write. This morning I decided that I would read my devotion, pray, and be still first before beginning to write. And God definitely spoke encouragement. My devotion was actually about stillness! I then prayed on my deck in the stillness. His nature made His presence palpable to me.
Finally, when you are caught up in the visible aspects of life, take a minute to be still and listen to God. You will experience God and rest in peace by focusing on the things that are unseen…
Recently, I talked to a mother who is in the really raw stage of dealing with her child’s addiction. Her pain brought tears to my eyes as I remember that pain so well. I was there not so long ago. Your world gets fixated on your child’s disease and the fear of the implications of that disease. Your world can get really small and dark. I can’t help but wonder if I had practiced being still and listening more that I would have been able to support my son earlier from a place of peace and not of fear. I have learned to do that more now. A family member of an addict especially a parent wants to “fix it”. But, what I am learning is that I cannot “fix it” but I can support it and be God’s hands if my eyes are focused on God rather than the disease. So, I will continue to be intentional about remembering his words to “Be still and know that I am God.” He is God. He created our loved ones. He loves them and walks their path right by their side. And focusing on that unseen but real love of God can bring peace.
I can’t finish without being thankful that many of us have had the great blessing to learn about the character of God the Father through our earthly father’s love.
So today, I run yearning to listen more and experience God the Father and in gratitude for my sweet father who has taught me much about love!
Sunday, June 1, 2014
There is hope in the journey!
This week the great poet, Maya Angelou, passed away. And, as I was looking at some of her famous writings, this quote struck me in particular. “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” Our journeys can be hard and our stories difficult but we can choose how they are incorporated into our future. You see, it is not the external that defines us but the internal Spirit that weaves our circumstances and choices into a rich tapestry allowing us to learn compassion, love for others, love for ourselves, and faith in God. In Romans 8, we are promised that in trouble, hardship, and danger, we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. There is always hope in our journey!
I had the blessing this week of seeing evidence of God’s redemption in my family. This was my younger son’s graduation weekend and the extended family came together to celebrate the end of one era and the beginning of the next. And as we sat together at the table in a restaurant after a graduation, I looked around and just took in different cameos of our lives. My oldest was there with us as a part of the family, laughing, and looking very healthy and happy. I see physical and emotional healing… My ex-husband, his wife, and daughter were sitting next to my younger son and interacting as one large family with all of the extended family. I see relational healing… My parents were there and my Dad is gaining strength after his cancer surgery a month ago- more healing… And my youngest son sitting next to his sweet girlfriend and excited about his next phase after a year of transformation in his faith- pure redemptive healing. And as I looked at each of one around the table, my heart swelled with joy and hope. Believe me there was pain in the journey that got us to this point. Yes, we could have been reduced by the journey but we were not. We continue to be redeemed, healed and enriched. There is hope when the MESS from the pain of life becomes the MESSAGE of the hope of life!
So, with hope, my faith builds. And, I trust that God has each of us in his hands. I trust that his plan for us is underway and always has been. I trust that he will be our strength with each step on our journey. And, I trust that it has been perfectly laid out. This was reinforced in a precious discussion with my oldest last night. It had been at least a year and a half since he was at home over night and we could sit on our couch and just talk. And, we did just that. I will treasure that time. We talked through some old things but mostly what he has been learning as he continues his journey. In the past 6 months, not only has he been working his AA program, we included some additional therapy to hopefully address some other issues like anxiety and past hurts. He has found it very helpful and important to his personal growth and ability to move on with life. I made the comment that it was a shame that we did not do it earlier in his recovery process. His immediate reaction was that it was perfectly timed. He felt that he would not have been open or committed to it in the way that he is now earlier in the process. God perfectly placed that opportunity at the right place in his journey. My son is trusting God in the meaning of this journey and as Maya Angelou suggested is choosing not to be reduced by the difficulties of that journey. My son’s faith buoys mine!
So today, I know and I feel the hope in our journey. And, my hope is that anyone reading this today who is discouraged or fearful will see the hope in mine and choose to look for the hope in theirs and not be reduced by their circumstances. God is able to provide hope in any circumstance!
Today, I will definitely run with hope. And, as a celebration of younger son’s continued journey, I will leave you with my prayer for the graduate!
My Prayer for Tyler- Graduation Day
God bless my son, your precious one,
My gift, my heart, our lives soon to part.
His time to grow into a man;
His time to live out your plan.
My heart so full and yet it aches.
My heart leaps for joy and then it breaks.
Our time together is drawing to an end.
And into the world, we gratefully send
A special young man whom God specifically created
To live in this world and learn how to change it.
He taught me love and made me laugh.
His kind heart and warm embrace
Have graced my life and can never be replaced.
I’ve seen a boy turn into a man
With a love for God and a developing plan
To touch the hearts of even more
Through worship and love, he has much in store;
A life of richness and of joy.
A man, yes, but always my boy;
So, I’ll let him go and leave the nest
For I know for him, God holds the best.
A life planned forward just for him.
A life to love and give away
The goodness and soul of this precious child.
So, it is now his special day
To celebrate a life lived well with lots of friends and stories to tell.
But now a new season begins to unfold;
A life of stories yet to be told.
This mom stands proud watching him walk
Knowing that he still has much to be taught.
But now it’s time to trust the Lord
To walk his path and guide him forward.
For when he doesn’t have a clue,
Our God always knows just what to do.
And when he doesn’t feel quite able,
Our God’s strength will always make him capable.
For he was HIS first before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
I now cheer for his new life begun.
So, I send you off, Tyler, with all of my love.
You are my gift from our God above.
I will watch with great anticipation
As you move through life’s next station.
Learn a lot, take chances,
love well, have faith and be thankful.
And, my son, I will pray for you every day.
And, even though we are apart,
You will forever be my heart.
So, God bless my son, your precious one,
My gift, my heart, our lives soon to part.
His time to grow into a man;
His time to live out your plan.
And on my knees, today I give thanks
That I was the very one
Whom you chose to be his Mom.
Tyler, all my love on your graduation day!
I had the blessing this week of seeing evidence of God’s redemption in my family. This was my younger son’s graduation weekend and the extended family came together to celebrate the end of one era and the beginning of the next. And as we sat together at the table in a restaurant after a graduation, I looked around and just took in different cameos of our lives. My oldest was there with us as a part of the family, laughing, and looking very healthy and happy. I see physical and emotional healing… My ex-husband, his wife, and daughter were sitting next to my younger son and interacting as one large family with all of the extended family. I see relational healing… My parents were there and my Dad is gaining strength after his cancer surgery a month ago- more healing… And my youngest son sitting next to his sweet girlfriend and excited about his next phase after a year of transformation in his faith- pure redemptive healing. And as I looked at each of one around the table, my heart swelled with joy and hope. Believe me there was pain in the journey that got us to this point. Yes, we could have been reduced by the journey but we were not. We continue to be redeemed, healed and enriched. There is hope when the MESS from the pain of life becomes the MESSAGE of the hope of life!
So, with hope, my faith builds. And, I trust that God has each of us in his hands. I trust that his plan for us is underway and always has been. I trust that he will be our strength with each step on our journey. And, I trust that it has been perfectly laid out. This was reinforced in a precious discussion with my oldest last night. It had been at least a year and a half since he was at home over night and we could sit on our couch and just talk. And, we did just that. I will treasure that time. We talked through some old things but mostly what he has been learning as he continues his journey. In the past 6 months, not only has he been working his AA program, we included some additional therapy to hopefully address some other issues like anxiety and past hurts. He has found it very helpful and important to his personal growth and ability to move on with life. I made the comment that it was a shame that we did not do it earlier in his recovery process. His immediate reaction was that it was perfectly timed. He felt that he would not have been open or committed to it in the way that he is now earlier in the process. God perfectly placed that opportunity at the right place in his journey. My son is trusting God in the meaning of this journey and as Maya Angelou suggested is choosing not to be reduced by the difficulties of that journey. My son’s faith buoys mine!
So today, I know and I feel the hope in our journey. And, my hope is that anyone reading this today who is discouraged or fearful will see the hope in mine and choose to look for the hope in theirs and not be reduced by their circumstances. God is able to provide hope in any circumstance!
Today, I will definitely run with hope. And, as a celebration of younger son’s continued journey, I will leave you with my prayer for the graduate!
My Prayer for Tyler- Graduation Day
God bless my son, your precious one,
My gift, my heart, our lives soon to part.
His time to grow into a man;
His time to live out your plan.
My heart so full and yet it aches.
My heart leaps for joy and then it breaks.
Our time together is drawing to an end.
And into the world, we gratefully send
A special young man whom God specifically created
To live in this world and learn how to change it.
He taught me love and made me laugh.
His kind heart and warm embrace
Have graced my life and can never be replaced.
I’ve seen a boy turn into a man
With a love for God and a developing plan
To touch the hearts of even more
Through worship and love, he has much in store;
A life of richness and of joy.
A man, yes, but always my boy;
So, I’ll let him go and leave the nest
For I know for him, God holds the best.
A life planned forward just for him.
A life to love and give away
The goodness and soul of this precious child.
So, it is now his special day
To celebrate a life lived well with lots of friends and stories to tell.
But now a new season begins to unfold;
A life of stories yet to be told.
This mom stands proud watching him walk
Knowing that he still has much to be taught.
But now it’s time to trust the Lord
To walk his path and guide him forward.
For when he doesn’t have a clue,
Our God always knows just what to do.
And when he doesn’t feel quite able,
Our God’s strength will always make him capable.
For he was HIS first before he was mine.
Now I get to watch the plan of the Divine
Lived out in the life of my precious son.
I now cheer for his new life begun.
So, I send you off, Tyler, with all of my love.
You are my gift from our God above.
I will watch with great anticipation
As you move through life’s next station.
Learn a lot, take chances,
love well, have faith and be thankful.
And, my son, I will pray for you every day.
And, even though we are apart,
You will forever be my heart.
So, God bless my son, your precious one,
My gift, my heart, our lives soon to part.
His time to grow into a man;
His time to live out your plan.
And on my knees, today I give thanks
That I was the very one
Whom you chose to be his Mom.
Tyler, all my love on your graduation day!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Thank God that he is the Perfect Parent
Last week, my heart skipped a beat when the news reported 7 Heroin overdoses in one day in the area surrounding High Point, NC just an hour or so away. SEVEN IN ONE DAY… To put that in perspective, there were a total of 25 overdoses in 2013 in the same area with 17 being related to Heroin. At this point in 2014, there are a total of 34 overdoses with 31 attributed to Heroin. The Police Chief went on to report the connection with pain medicine and that it is found in all areas, all schools, and all social-economic areas. It knows no boundaries and introduces great danger into the lives of those who use. We have an epidemic and we all need to be talking about it. And, not just among ourselves but with our kids. Danger surrounds them…
This news added fuel to the fire of my fears this week. My second son graduates next Saturday. And although I am excited for him, the tears come up quickly. And the question that I have been wrestling with is whether I have truly prepared him to leave home and move into the world full time. He has chosen the University of South Carolina just like his older brother. When my oldest went off, I was really excited for him and somehow naïve to the dangers out there. When he returned home in May after four years, he was in full blown addiction. His life was a mess. The hard thing is that it started right in front of me. You see he was in and out of the hospital over 5 months with a lung issue. The last 15 days were after he was in college. At that time, his addiction took a hold. I watched them as they administered pain meds non-stop including a morphine pump at his discretion. Not seeing the danger clearly, I just wanted him to be relieved of the pain he was experiencing. And, I left him at his dorm with a prescription and no oversight. He was not prepared for the danger nor was I… But, God was watching.
Now, I know that every person is different and drugs are available on every college campus. And, I hope that my second son has learned enough through the painful lessons that we have all experienced with addiction that he understands the danger. But, what else could happen for which I have not equipped him over the last 18 years. What other dangers are my eyes closed to. Our generation is known for being over involved as parents. We allowed our children to be scheduled to the hilt and then managed it for them. We intervene when things don’t go as planned in a class or club. We helped or did their projects. And, we review or write every essay for college applications. We do our best not to let them fail. I once heard a professor from a good private college in NC suggest that we are disabling our children to deal with real life. She went on to comment that her students who came with great grades and test scores could not manage to organize their lives around the details of their class syllabi. They would come asking a million questions and totally overwhelmed. In some cases, their mothers called to talk through the class requirements. Certainly, these coping strategies don’t work very well when they get to the world of work. Just as our intervention is a danger to their ability to operate in this world easily, what pain we may have been prevented for our children multiplies later in life when faced with big challenges.
As my younger son headed off on his weekend camping trip with his high school friends between exams and graduation, tears streamed down my face as I watched him drive off. How could the time have flown by so quickly? Where had I let him down as a flawed parent? What else could I have taught him that would have prepared him better to leave the nest? And, what consequences did I protect him from out of love that would provide challenges to him later?
I think back to the smiling faces that surrounded my life in college with expectations of what life would be for us after college. We were not prepared for what would happen over the years- death of a roommate, divorce, abuse, children with disabilities, heart attacks in 30’s, cancer, and on and on… Although, I don’t think our parents intentionally prepared us for those events. I can see where God worked within our circumstances to provide. That is my hope today!
There was a time that I had a reoccurring dream that one of my children died and I was trying to plan for the service. Each time I had that dream I woke up in tears begging that God would not ask that of me. I hoped it was some subconscious fear because all of my children had dealt with a health issues at some point. But, it would leave me unsettled and I would often refer back to the Bible to the story of Abraham and Isaac. After all those years of infertility, God gave Isaac to Abraham and Sarah and then asked for him back as a sacrifice. Danger at its ultimate- death. Seems unfathomable! But, Abraham trusted in God and did what was asked of him. And, in the end, God provided for Isaac’s life. Abraham called that place “The Lord will Provide” and God blessed his faith with a promise that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. God had much bigger plans and called Abraham to trust him. I used to look at the story and take it a bit too literally as if death of a child was the only application of this story. Over the last few years, when I have been fearful for my children whether it was a big as addiction or more routine challenges with a class or friends, I have envisioned placing my children on God’s alter trusting that God will provide perfectly when I did not know how to. I have had to trust God to care for them through life’s lessons providing what they needed to live out his plan for them. And, I had to trust that God could see the dangers that I did not and walk by my children’s side through those dangers.
God specifically placed these precious people temporarily in my hands. He will teach them things through me just as he teaches your children through you. That includes the good and the bad. We are all imperfect. But, we are reminded that they are His. He is the Perfect Parent. If we could teach our kids some sort of formula that allowed them to perfectly execute life on this earth, then there would be no need for faith. But life is a journey- a transformation and a chance to learn about God’s character and what we were created to do on this earth. We, as parents, have hopes for our children but that is a human perspective and not all that God created them to be or to do. Our view of happiness and impact is so limited. And, God’s is beyond our feeble imagination. So, why would we keep them from discovering all that God has for them? I held on to my oldest for so long thinking I could help him and make things better. It was not until I lovingly gave his over to his Perfect Parent, God, that progress was made in both of our lives. He was my Isaac…
So, as I think about the next month or so that I will still have with my second son, I will continue to look for times to share wisdom that I have gained along the way. Wisdom beyond the basics like studying and finances but about life. The opportunities that will be available to explore who he was created to be. The opportunities to learn from mistakes. The opportunities to love and give to others. The opportunity to build his faith!
My prayer for all of us who have children graduating is that we will use our time wisely before they leave. It is never too late to teach them. That we will pray for them to be open to all the richness that God has to teach them in this next season of life. It is never too late to acknowledge that God has a bigger and better plan for them. That we will build our faith on Abraham’s example and trust that “God will provide”. It is never too late to trust God for anything including our children!
Today, I will run with relief that I don’t have to be a perfect parent. They have already have one- Thank God!!!
This news added fuel to the fire of my fears this week. My second son graduates next Saturday. And although I am excited for him, the tears come up quickly. And the question that I have been wrestling with is whether I have truly prepared him to leave home and move into the world full time. He has chosen the University of South Carolina just like his older brother. When my oldest went off, I was really excited for him and somehow naïve to the dangers out there. When he returned home in May after four years, he was in full blown addiction. His life was a mess. The hard thing is that it started right in front of me. You see he was in and out of the hospital over 5 months with a lung issue. The last 15 days were after he was in college. At that time, his addiction took a hold. I watched them as they administered pain meds non-stop including a morphine pump at his discretion. Not seeing the danger clearly, I just wanted him to be relieved of the pain he was experiencing. And, I left him at his dorm with a prescription and no oversight. He was not prepared for the danger nor was I… But, God was watching.
Now, I know that every person is different and drugs are available on every college campus. And, I hope that my second son has learned enough through the painful lessons that we have all experienced with addiction that he understands the danger. But, what else could happen for which I have not equipped him over the last 18 years. What other dangers are my eyes closed to. Our generation is known for being over involved as parents. We allowed our children to be scheduled to the hilt and then managed it for them. We intervene when things don’t go as planned in a class or club. We helped or did their projects. And, we review or write every essay for college applications. We do our best not to let them fail. I once heard a professor from a good private college in NC suggest that we are disabling our children to deal with real life. She went on to comment that her students who came with great grades and test scores could not manage to organize their lives around the details of their class syllabi. They would come asking a million questions and totally overwhelmed. In some cases, their mothers called to talk through the class requirements. Certainly, these coping strategies don’t work very well when they get to the world of work. Just as our intervention is a danger to their ability to operate in this world easily, what pain we may have been prevented for our children multiplies later in life when faced with big challenges.
As my younger son headed off on his weekend camping trip with his high school friends between exams and graduation, tears streamed down my face as I watched him drive off. How could the time have flown by so quickly? Where had I let him down as a flawed parent? What else could I have taught him that would have prepared him better to leave the nest? And, what consequences did I protect him from out of love that would provide challenges to him later?
I think back to the smiling faces that surrounded my life in college with expectations of what life would be for us after college. We were not prepared for what would happen over the years- death of a roommate, divorce, abuse, children with disabilities, heart attacks in 30’s, cancer, and on and on… Although, I don’t think our parents intentionally prepared us for those events. I can see where God worked within our circumstances to provide. That is my hope today!
There was a time that I had a reoccurring dream that one of my children died and I was trying to plan for the service. Each time I had that dream I woke up in tears begging that God would not ask that of me. I hoped it was some subconscious fear because all of my children had dealt with a health issues at some point. But, it would leave me unsettled and I would often refer back to the Bible to the story of Abraham and Isaac. After all those years of infertility, God gave Isaac to Abraham and Sarah and then asked for him back as a sacrifice. Danger at its ultimate- death. Seems unfathomable! But, Abraham trusted in God and did what was asked of him. And, in the end, God provided for Isaac’s life. Abraham called that place “The Lord will Provide” and God blessed his faith with a promise that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. God had much bigger plans and called Abraham to trust him. I used to look at the story and take it a bit too literally as if death of a child was the only application of this story. Over the last few years, when I have been fearful for my children whether it was a big as addiction or more routine challenges with a class or friends, I have envisioned placing my children on God’s alter trusting that God will provide perfectly when I did not know how to. I have had to trust God to care for them through life’s lessons providing what they needed to live out his plan for them. And, I had to trust that God could see the dangers that I did not and walk by my children’s side through those dangers.
God specifically placed these precious people temporarily in my hands. He will teach them things through me just as he teaches your children through you. That includes the good and the bad. We are all imperfect. But, we are reminded that they are His. He is the Perfect Parent. If we could teach our kids some sort of formula that allowed them to perfectly execute life on this earth, then there would be no need for faith. But life is a journey- a transformation and a chance to learn about God’s character and what we were created to do on this earth. We, as parents, have hopes for our children but that is a human perspective and not all that God created them to be or to do. Our view of happiness and impact is so limited. And, God’s is beyond our feeble imagination. So, why would we keep them from discovering all that God has for them? I held on to my oldest for so long thinking I could help him and make things better. It was not until I lovingly gave his over to his Perfect Parent, God, that progress was made in both of our lives. He was my Isaac…
So, as I think about the next month or so that I will still have with my second son, I will continue to look for times to share wisdom that I have gained along the way. Wisdom beyond the basics like studying and finances but about life. The opportunities that will be available to explore who he was created to be. The opportunities to learn from mistakes. The opportunities to love and give to others. The opportunity to build his faith!
My prayer for all of us who have children graduating is that we will use our time wisely before they leave. It is never too late to teach them. That we will pray for them to be open to all the richness that God has to teach them in this next season of life. It is never too late to acknowledge that God has a bigger and better plan for them. That we will build our faith on Abraham’s example and trust that “God will provide”. It is never too late to trust God for anything including our children!
Today, I will run with relief that I don’t have to be a perfect parent. They have already have one- Thank God!!!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
The gift of extraordinary
I am writing today on the morning of my 51st birthday. I got a note first thing from an old friend asking if this was a big birthday or a little one. I joked back that after the big one last year that they are all big going forward… But, as I drank my coffee this morning, I began to think about the prior year. I was fortunate last year to get to spend time with my girlfriends on three different beach trips- one with my college roommates, one with my high school friends and one with my local friends. It was wonderful to get to celebrate with the women who have really been the fabric of my life. Believe me, there was lots of laughter and joy and a few tears when we touched on some of life’s challenges over the years. Life certainly takes some unanticipated and painful turns. I remember thinking after those trips that I had not had any kind of epiphany of how I need to shift my life over the next decade. But, I was incredibly grateful about the time spent with these special people and what I saw on my horizon- a missions trip to Africa with my son and his last year in high school, my oldest going back to college, my youngest and her many interests and visits to Ole Miss to see my daughter. There were a lot of milestones happening. I had a plan and it was unfolding or what I would later learn unraveling in certain places.
We tend to acknowledge milestones. It gives us an indication of progression towards our plan and affirmation that we are taking the right steps to get where we want to go. Don’t get me wrong that is not all bad but it all lies in our perception and motivations. This has been a couple of weeks or so of milestones for our family. My baby turned 17. We attended senior night for my son as he winds down school and focuses on heading to college. My daughter finished her sophomore year in college. I surpassed my halfway goal of running 1000 miles in a year. And finally, my oldest received his 6 month chip for 6 months of sobriety and finished his first semester back in school. And with each of these, brings a new set of actions and expectations. We make our plans and move forward.
But, life doesn’t always play out according to our plans. If I went back to my early adult age and articulated my expectations of life, it would have been an enhanced version of how I grew up. I would have wanted to replicate many things and change a few things to ensure more peace and happiness. I would have built on what I knew or what I considered normal. The picture would have been a lovely house, nice yard, kids who loved to study, wonderful dinner time conversations, and a mom (me) who had it all under control. I didn’t foresee the piles that stack up in the corner of the bedrooms, the ongoing battle with weeds in the yard, the constant reminding kids of their responsibilities, and the anxiety that comes with remembering to write some check or fill out some form for school on the last possible day to turn it in. I look around and see all that I have not done and feel I am barely keeping it together on most days. Believe me, my original plan certainly wouldn’t have included that or the death of one of my best friends, divorce, health issues for my children, financial loss when my employer went under, miscarriages, or addiction. You see our plans are not HIS plans and our ways or not HIS ways.
There are days when that reality smacks me right in the face. At that point, I have a choice to make. I love a quote from Mother Theresa that says, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today, Let us begin.” The danger to focusing on the past is that we live with sadness or regret and miss today. The danger of living focused on the future is that we live with fear and anxiety and miss today. And, today is all we have. If we miss today, we miss the ability to listen for where God is directing us, we miss the gifts and glimpses of God’s hand at work and we miss the ability to be God’s face and hands in this world…
Clearly, God is working in and through us regardless of our human weaknesses. So, when our perspective is skewed, he will teach us. When we are under pressure because life hits us with something we did not plan for, he will help us. And when we make mistakes, he will redeem them. It is through pressure that he calls us back to the truth that he is in control. And he has better plans than we can ever imagine. With God, all things are possible. I love that because it is bigger than the statement nothing is impossible. Using “impossible” says to me that anything within my human realm of thinking could happen. But everything is possible says to me that things beyond our wildest imagination are available to us through God. His Plan, His Power, and His Love provide for a rich life. Why do we choose to look at life through our small plans, our limited power, and our imperfect love? I wouldn’t have written my story with all the pain from the hardships that I have experienced. And yet, if I open my eyes to what has come from those and the experiences that I have gained, I see that God was at work to bring about something much bigger. CS Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.”
I mentioned at the beginning that at my 50th, I saw a plan unfolding, my plan. But my plan was really unraveling. My oldest was headed back to school which was relief to me and then he had his relapse. My other son was going through some personal turmoil. My daughter’s friends were beginning to make difficult choices…We were not on auto pilot towards my plan. But God was still in control. He turned a crisis for our family and my son into recovery. He provided the courage that allowed me a voice in these struggles through this running project and blog. With that voice has come a myriad of new connections and paths for my life that have enriched my life more than I can describe. My other son has learned courage to stand for his faith and has a much better foundation heading off to college. His life is being transformed. My daughter is learning big lessons by watching others. None of this would have happened without the pressure that comes when life moves outside our “ordinary” plans. Thank goodness that God didn’t leave me with ordinary but blessed me with extraordinary. I can look back and see how he has provided. No, I wouldn’t have planned for a divorce but was blessed with another daughter when I remarried. I would not have chosen to go through the loss of an employer but I was given a trip to China to speak and new opportunities. That was the beginning of my love for international experiences and led me to many other experiences like my trip to Africa. Those are “extraordinary” experiences that would have never been in my “ordinary” plan. I would not have chosen to have my son dealing with the pain of addiction but it has taught both of us so much and connected us to others through our shared experience. It is now my life's passion to educate and support.
I was talking to my oldest about milestones and how God’s plan is different than ours. He was happy about the 6 months but more interested on getting to 9 months. And even more importantly, he does not want to become complacent so it is a daily thing for him. He cannot dwell on the past and or focus too much on the future. With addiction, he has to be focused on the present. It is about one day at a time. He also mentioned that the AA big book talks about how we live our lives like we are the directors of a grand play and if everyone would do as we would have them, our lives would be much better. We then realize that this is not reality and that God has been the director the whole time. So, on my 51st birthday, I will reflect on the past with a spirit of learning and gratitude and look to the future with the hope that God has “extraordinary” things for my life. And, I will pray that I will live my life today not without a plan but a plan with openness to what God wants for me and what he created me to do. I will live my life with an expectancy and excitement (and relief) that God is in control.
So today, I will run with 500 miles under my belt and with gratitude for the extraordinary!
We tend to acknowledge milestones. It gives us an indication of progression towards our plan and affirmation that we are taking the right steps to get where we want to go. Don’t get me wrong that is not all bad but it all lies in our perception and motivations. This has been a couple of weeks or so of milestones for our family. My baby turned 17. We attended senior night for my son as he winds down school and focuses on heading to college. My daughter finished her sophomore year in college. I surpassed my halfway goal of running 1000 miles in a year. And finally, my oldest received his 6 month chip for 6 months of sobriety and finished his first semester back in school. And with each of these, brings a new set of actions and expectations. We make our plans and move forward.
But, life doesn’t always play out according to our plans. If I went back to my early adult age and articulated my expectations of life, it would have been an enhanced version of how I grew up. I would have wanted to replicate many things and change a few things to ensure more peace and happiness. I would have built on what I knew or what I considered normal. The picture would have been a lovely house, nice yard, kids who loved to study, wonderful dinner time conversations, and a mom (me) who had it all under control. I didn’t foresee the piles that stack up in the corner of the bedrooms, the ongoing battle with weeds in the yard, the constant reminding kids of their responsibilities, and the anxiety that comes with remembering to write some check or fill out some form for school on the last possible day to turn it in. I look around and see all that I have not done and feel I am barely keeping it together on most days. Believe me, my original plan certainly wouldn’t have included that or the death of one of my best friends, divorce, health issues for my children, financial loss when my employer went under, miscarriages, or addiction. You see our plans are not HIS plans and our ways or not HIS ways.
There are days when that reality smacks me right in the face. At that point, I have a choice to make. I love a quote from Mother Theresa that says, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today, Let us begin.” The danger to focusing on the past is that we live with sadness or regret and miss today. The danger of living focused on the future is that we live with fear and anxiety and miss today. And, today is all we have. If we miss today, we miss the ability to listen for where God is directing us, we miss the gifts and glimpses of God’s hand at work and we miss the ability to be God’s face and hands in this world…
Clearly, God is working in and through us regardless of our human weaknesses. So, when our perspective is skewed, he will teach us. When we are under pressure because life hits us with something we did not plan for, he will help us. And when we make mistakes, he will redeem them. It is through pressure that he calls us back to the truth that he is in control. And he has better plans than we can ever imagine. With God, all things are possible. I love that because it is bigger than the statement nothing is impossible. Using “impossible” says to me that anything within my human realm of thinking could happen. But everything is possible says to me that things beyond our wildest imagination are available to us through God. His Plan, His Power, and His Love provide for a rich life. Why do we choose to look at life through our small plans, our limited power, and our imperfect love? I wouldn’t have written my story with all the pain from the hardships that I have experienced. And yet, if I open my eyes to what has come from those and the experiences that I have gained, I see that God was at work to bring about something much bigger. CS Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.”
I mentioned at the beginning that at my 50th, I saw a plan unfolding, my plan. But my plan was really unraveling. My oldest was headed back to school which was relief to me and then he had his relapse. My other son was going through some personal turmoil. My daughter’s friends were beginning to make difficult choices…We were not on auto pilot towards my plan. But God was still in control. He turned a crisis for our family and my son into recovery. He provided the courage that allowed me a voice in these struggles through this running project and blog. With that voice has come a myriad of new connections and paths for my life that have enriched my life more than I can describe. My other son has learned courage to stand for his faith and has a much better foundation heading off to college. His life is being transformed. My daughter is learning big lessons by watching others. None of this would have happened without the pressure that comes when life moves outside our “ordinary” plans. Thank goodness that God didn’t leave me with ordinary but blessed me with extraordinary. I can look back and see how he has provided. No, I wouldn’t have planned for a divorce but was blessed with another daughter when I remarried. I would not have chosen to go through the loss of an employer but I was given a trip to China to speak and new opportunities. That was the beginning of my love for international experiences and led me to many other experiences like my trip to Africa. Those are “extraordinary” experiences that would have never been in my “ordinary” plan. I would not have chosen to have my son dealing with the pain of addiction but it has taught both of us so much and connected us to others through our shared experience. It is now my life's passion to educate and support.
I was talking to my oldest about milestones and how God’s plan is different than ours. He was happy about the 6 months but more interested on getting to 9 months. And even more importantly, he does not want to become complacent so it is a daily thing for him. He cannot dwell on the past and or focus too much on the future. With addiction, he has to be focused on the present. It is about one day at a time. He also mentioned that the AA big book talks about how we live our lives like we are the directors of a grand play and if everyone would do as we would have them, our lives would be much better. We then realize that this is not reality and that God has been the director the whole time. So, on my 51st birthday, I will reflect on the past with a spirit of learning and gratitude and look to the future with the hope that God has “extraordinary” things for my life. And, I will pray that I will live my life today not without a plan but a plan with openness to what God wants for me and what he created me to do. I will live my life with an expectancy and excitement (and relief) that God is in control.
So today, I will run with 500 miles under my belt and with gratitude for the extraordinary!
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Always flowers in the valleys
Ps 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
Life is definitely full of peaks and valleys. It seems over the past couple of weeks that I have seen my family, friends, and others experiencing valley after valley. Every day it seems there has been a new challenge or tragedy ranging from tornados, death, divorce, depression, addiction, surgery, cancer and chemo. I have seen, heard, and felt the fear, grief, and the pain. But that’s not all; I have also seen the courage especially when those struggling are able to look beyond their actual circumstances to the gifts available but sometimes hidden.
One of the difficulties in the past two weeks struck close to home. My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and the best option for him given the aggressiveness of his cancer was to have surgery. For various reasons, he was initially not considered a good candidate for surgery. He was required to go through different tests before they would approve his surgery. He passed those and was allowed to have the surgery which happened a week or so ago. All was successful and his additional biopsies were clean even though his prostate was almost completely involved with cancer. And now, he is focused on recovery. Praise God!
As we met with the doctor the morning of the surgery, Dad said, “I am in your capable hands and God’s”. The doctor’s response back to my father was that it was mostly God’s. He spoke such truth. The other part of this story was God’s care and preparation in advance of this diagnosis. You see my Dad had open heart surgery and a stroke following that surgery a few years ago which was a negative for additional surgery. In the past year, he decided to really focus on his health. So, he has been on a training program and has lost a lot of weight. He was in very good physical condition which helped him get approval to take the surgical option. Also, for other reasons, he has a blood test every quarter. In one quarter, his PSAs tripled which allowed them to catch the cancer quickly. Surgery early in the development of this cancer likely prevented it from spreading. God was gracious to my Dad and my family.
Yes, our outcome was positive. But even if it had not been positive, it would not have meant that God isn't gracious in his support and comfort. There was a Facebook post after the tornados that swept through MS, AK, and AL, that reinforced that God was not just with the people who survived unscathed but also with those who lost possessions, family and even their own lives. I don’t propose to know why God allows such tragedy but I do hang on with everything I have that he never lets us go. He doesn’t let go in circumstances that occur beyond our control like a tornado or cancer. He doesn’t let go when we make harmful choices and face difficult consequences. He doesn’t let go when we succumb to addiction, depression, or total self-reliance. Yes, he certainly blesses us in our peaks, but I believe his real love is revealed when he doesn’t let go in the valleys. We just sometimes don’t look for it.
When I sit down to write each week, there is usually something that has struck me during the week. When it sticks with me, I know that it should then be my topic for the week’s blog. On my drive home after my Dad’s surgery, I was thinking about all the tragedy I had heard or seen in the past days, the painful conversations that I had been having with friends. Lots of valleys- and the image of a valley with flowers kept coming to mind. You see there are always flowers in valleys. Even though I knew I needed to write about this, I couldn’t figure out what I really needed to say or what God was speaking to me. And so, I have waited to get clarity.
Then it occurred to me, the flowers are glimpses of God’s power, his love and his comfort even in the darkest of valleys. Sometimes, when things are stripped away and the world’s trappings are eliminated, we are reminded what is really important. It is our relationships- Relationships with our family, friends, those who live and work around us, those in need, and mostly with our God. We get a chance to see God work in and through others- more flowers. We get to see God-given courage. Courage evidenced in a sign propped up against rubble that used to be homes that says, “We praise you in the storm”. Courage of a college swimmer who lost his life as he held up a falling retaining wall allowing his girlfriend to survive. Courage of a mother who expresses her gratitude from a hospital bed amid her grief for the time she had with her young sons whom she had just lost in the storm. Courage of a woman facing chemotherapy again asking for prayer that God be glorified in every step. Courage of a mother sending a child to the best rehab center that she can find. God-inspired courage- flowers in the valley. The same courage that Jesus received as he prayed “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me, yet not my will, but yours be done.” Even in the face of death, God sent his angels to appear before Christ and strengthened him. More flowers in the valley. Lam 3:19-22 “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail…” God’s hope, love, and compassion- God's Grace and precious Flowers in the valley…
I think back to my valleys over the years. Yes, there were always flowers in the valley. Those flowers appeared in how the Holy Spirit taught me and strengthened my faith. Those flowers were my precious children who were both born to me and given to me through marriage. Flowers at work that allowed me to be financially secure despite divorce or corporate failure. Flowers in my girlfriends who have filled the gap with my kids when my work kept me on the road. Flowers when my sister showed up unasked at one of the saddest times of my life, and a whole flower garden resulting from my mother’s love and support through every peak and valley. The faith she taught me growing up, the support she has provided over the years especially when I needed help caring for my kids as a single mom, and the example of love that she provides every day. I see and experience Christ in my mother’s love. A life full of flowers!
So today, I honor my mother. And I honor the gift that God is in all- peaks and valleys. I am thankful that there are always flowers in the valley!!!
So, I run for all the mothers who are the flowers to their children. And, I run for those who are struggling in the valley at this moment. May you fear no evil and may you experience HIS presence and comfort! And may you see the flowers in the valley!
Life is definitely full of peaks and valleys. It seems over the past couple of weeks that I have seen my family, friends, and others experiencing valley after valley. Every day it seems there has been a new challenge or tragedy ranging from tornados, death, divorce, depression, addiction, surgery, cancer and chemo. I have seen, heard, and felt the fear, grief, and the pain. But that’s not all; I have also seen the courage especially when those struggling are able to look beyond their actual circumstances to the gifts available but sometimes hidden.
One of the difficulties in the past two weeks struck close to home. My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and the best option for him given the aggressiveness of his cancer was to have surgery. For various reasons, he was initially not considered a good candidate for surgery. He was required to go through different tests before they would approve his surgery. He passed those and was allowed to have the surgery which happened a week or so ago. All was successful and his additional biopsies were clean even though his prostate was almost completely involved with cancer. And now, he is focused on recovery. Praise God!
As we met with the doctor the morning of the surgery, Dad said, “I am in your capable hands and God’s”. The doctor’s response back to my father was that it was mostly God’s. He spoke such truth. The other part of this story was God’s care and preparation in advance of this diagnosis. You see my Dad had open heart surgery and a stroke following that surgery a few years ago which was a negative for additional surgery. In the past year, he decided to really focus on his health. So, he has been on a training program and has lost a lot of weight. He was in very good physical condition which helped him get approval to take the surgical option. Also, for other reasons, he has a blood test every quarter. In one quarter, his PSAs tripled which allowed them to catch the cancer quickly. Surgery early in the development of this cancer likely prevented it from spreading. God was gracious to my Dad and my family.
Yes, our outcome was positive. But even if it had not been positive, it would not have meant that God isn't gracious in his support and comfort. There was a Facebook post after the tornados that swept through MS, AK, and AL, that reinforced that God was not just with the people who survived unscathed but also with those who lost possessions, family and even their own lives. I don’t propose to know why God allows such tragedy but I do hang on with everything I have that he never lets us go. He doesn’t let go in circumstances that occur beyond our control like a tornado or cancer. He doesn’t let go when we make harmful choices and face difficult consequences. He doesn’t let go when we succumb to addiction, depression, or total self-reliance. Yes, he certainly blesses us in our peaks, but I believe his real love is revealed when he doesn’t let go in the valleys. We just sometimes don’t look for it.
When I sit down to write each week, there is usually something that has struck me during the week. When it sticks with me, I know that it should then be my topic for the week’s blog. On my drive home after my Dad’s surgery, I was thinking about all the tragedy I had heard or seen in the past days, the painful conversations that I had been having with friends. Lots of valleys- and the image of a valley with flowers kept coming to mind. You see there are always flowers in valleys. Even though I knew I needed to write about this, I couldn’t figure out what I really needed to say or what God was speaking to me. And so, I have waited to get clarity.
Then it occurred to me, the flowers are glimpses of God’s power, his love and his comfort even in the darkest of valleys. Sometimes, when things are stripped away and the world’s trappings are eliminated, we are reminded what is really important. It is our relationships- Relationships with our family, friends, those who live and work around us, those in need, and mostly with our God. We get a chance to see God work in and through others- more flowers. We get to see God-given courage. Courage evidenced in a sign propped up against rubble that used to be homes that says, “We praise you in the storm”. Courage of a college swimmer who lost his life as he held up a falling retaining wall allowing his girlfriend to survive. Courage of a mother who expresses her gratitude from a hospital bed amid her grief for the time she had with her young sons whom she had just lost in the storm. Courage of a woman facing chemotherapy again asking for prayer that God be glorified in every step. Courage of a mother sending a child to the best rehab center that she can find. God-inspired courage- flowers in the valley. The same courage that Jesus received as he prayed “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me, yet not my will, but yours be done.” Even in the face of death, God sent his angels to appear before Christ and strengthened him. More flowers in the valley. Lam 3:19-22 “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail…” God’s hope, love, and compassion- God's Grace and precious Flowers in the valley…
I think back to my valleys over the years. Yes, there were always flowers in the valley. Those flowers appeared in how the Holy Spirit taught me and strengthened my faith. Those flowers were my precious children who were both born to me and given to me through marriage. Flowers at work that allowed me to be financially secure despite divorce or corporate failure. Flowers in my girlfriends who have filled the gap with my kids when my work kept me on the road. Flowers when my sister showed up unasked at one of the saddest times of my life, and a whole flower garden resulting from my mother’s love and support through every peak and valley. The faith she taught me growing up, the support she has provided over the years especially when I needed help caring for my kids as a single mom, and the example of love that she provides every day. I see and experience Christ in my mother’s love. A life full of flowers!
So today, I honor my mother. And I honor the gift that God is in all- peaks and valleys. I am thankful that there are always flowers in the valley!!!
So, I run for all the mothers who are the flowers to their children. And, I run for those who are struggling in the valley at this moment. May you fear no evil and may you experience HIS presence and comfort! And may you see the flowers in the valley!
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