I am sitting on a plane for the next five hours as I head back to North Carolina from a week of meetings in San Francisco. I figured it was the most peaceful time I will have for the next week so I should write my blog early this week. You see tomorrow morning, we leave for a week at the beach with a bunch of teenagers- 11 to be exact and 2 ten year olds. The three Moms wanted to provide a safe but fun week especially for the 5 senior boys. We are all looking forward to our time together this week. At least 3 of the boys have spent spring break together several times over the past years along with several of the other 6 teenagers. So, it will be bittersweet. One more time to enjoy seeing the boys together and listening to their laughter before they all head off in different directions this fall. Change is coming…
I have been in San Francisco for a two day conference and another day of meetings. During that time, I was actually in two different sessions on “Managing Change”. I have been in plenty of sessions before on managing change. The content is always a good reminder but never really full of new or particularly novel ideas. This time there were some thoughts that struck a chord with me. Perhaps, the past few years of crisis and change and looking ahead to the next two years of change as my last two babies graduate, my heart was more open to the concepts. The first concept that struck me was resiliency and what characteristics are key to managing change with resiliency.
So, I began to think about this less from managing change in the workplace and more about managing change personally. If I look back to how I handled our family crisis, I would describe with the following adjectives- desperation, sadness, and guilt. Those emotions were because I could only see the loss or potential for more loss in my son’s life. My motivator was control. I needed to move in, make things better, and get my son’s life “back on track”. My focus became myopic. It was all about “fixing” my son. Lastly, I fought feeling like a victim. But, there were certainly moments where I lived as victim. How could this be happening to me and my child…? Now, I have gone through other times of change or crisis before my son’s addiction. And, my process looked very similar. Those looking on from the outside would have described me as strong and resilient. But I would say knowing it from the inside, I felt weak and afraid.
The facilitators in our training broke down supporting attributes for resiliency into 5 characteristics. I began to think through each of the five and what that means to me personally.
Positivity: I want to be seen as a “glass half-full” person. For me, this has to be rooted in a belief that God is working in and through me and my circumstances for the greater good. If you look, even in the midst of change or crisis, you will see gifts for which to be grateful. It means not seeing me as a victim but knowing by faith that it is a part of much bigger story with a meaningful outcome.
Proactive: Reach out for resources. There is knowledge and expertise with whatever issue you are dealing with available. Certainly, in the area of addiction there is a lot you can read and support groups like Alanon and Celebrate Recovery that will help you as you begin to incorporate change. It means stepping out in faith that God will provide what you need when you need it.
Focused: When the change is focused on your loved ones especially your child, it is easy to have a singular focus on that individual. I know I failed to take care of myself at times. You cannot be the best support to others when you jeopardize your own health, emotional and spiritual well-being. So, honor your faith and belief that you are, too, a beloved child of God and include a focus on your well-being as well as your loved one.
Organized: When things are in flux around you and it all feels foreign, incorporate into your day time to pray and plan. It is easy to get overwhelmed if you look too far ahead. But, if you can maintain some existing routines and add new ones that will help manage in smaller increments, you will be able to better organize your time in a way that supports you and everyone around you. Pray with faith that you will be given the wisdom to make decisions, the strength to act, and that your needs and those of your loved one will be provided.
Flexible: For me, flexibility means letting go of my need to control the outcome. I also cannot control the choices and actions of others. More importantly, I cannot control God. His ways are not our ways. I often act as though I know best. I certainly do not! With God, all things are possible. With me, they are very limited… In the end, being flexible for me means claim by faith that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving AND IS IN CONTROL.
So, if you go back to my earlier description of the ways I have handled change or crisis- desperation, sadness, guilt, control, myopic focus, and victimization, you do not hear or see faith in that, do you? I certainly was not knowing by faith the truths of HIS Power, stepping out based on the truths of HIS Power, honoring by faith HIS Power, Praying with faith in his Power, or claiming by faith the Power of all the HE is! There always came a time when out of the pain and frustration of my circumstance, I realized that I was not living in the trust and reliance of HIS power. Out of the realization, I choose to trust and rely and my faith has been building…
There was a quote provided in our training as well that really rang true by an unknown author. “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, we are propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” It reminded me of a verse in II Corinthians that says “His Power is made perfect in our weakness.” If I look back over time, it is in times of change or turmoil, that my faith has been built and that my life has been transformed. Hanging on to this truth can provide comfort when your child is going through their own crisis. God shows us his finest in those moments when we are at our weakest if we open our eyes and hearts in faith!! Even when you know this, it sure is hard to watch your kids suffer challenges and obstacles. We do everything possible to prevent that from happening. Perhaps, we all need to look at times when we block God (or at least we try to) and trust that God is about transforming. Even at the hardest of times, speak these words of truth. You may not feel it but you will be stepping out in faith and that faith, God always honors!
So, looking forward to our vacation and hopefully a little sun and warmth… We will celebrate my son’s 18th birthday while we are there! Much love to my precious son! Change is definitely coming…
Tough week on the mileage in San Francisco but really looking forward to walking those beaches…
Friday, April 11, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Accept what???
Well, let’s just say today is the morning after…PROM. I am so relieved that we can put this behind us for one more year. It’s been an interesting week. Prom stress starts earlier in the year when the date requests start and the dress shopping begins. There is a little reprieve until about the week or so before, when the kids try to finalize the plans, the requests for money begin again, and the discussion of after-prom activities starts. I’ll just fess up right now that I have been known to be called the “meanest mother in the world”. Usually that is in response to saying “No” to something or asking for a phone number so that I can follow-up with a parent. This time I was “the only parent who cared about where their kids were going afterwards”. Now, I will say I do believe there may be mythical parents that actually trust their kids and everyone they are with fully. Or, perhaps there are parents that are so weary with the debate that they are just worn down. At some level, I can identify with the feeling. And, there are some parents who actually determine their approach solely based on the premise that “kids will be kids”, just accept it and move on… I had someone say that to me.
Well, I do accept that teenagers are struggling to understand their own identify and value, don’t always make the best decisions, are really bad at predicting the consequences of their choices, and are often more interested in trying out what their peers are doing rather than what the parents have taught them. So, if that’s acceptance so be it. However, I can acknowledge or accept that they are inclined that way but it doesn’t mean I have no choice or influence as a parent. So, after a million calls and texts between parents over the past three days, some plans were not allowed, new plans got made and the night was successfully survived. And, lo and behold, there are other “really mean parents” who actually do care what their children are doing afterwards just like me. And, modern miracles do occur. There is still fun to be had in the moment even with a few boundaries are in place. Who can believe that! (at least under the age of 40!!)
Now, with everyday life issues with your kids, you can accept certain truths like how a teenage mind operates and still exert some control and limits to teach and protect them. But of course, unless you are going to micro-chip them, escort them everywhere, or lock them in the basement, there is always an opportunity that they will make a bad choice. You can certainly limit it and create consequences that help influence the behavior. They do get at some level the value of not losing their phone or the keys. And, when your kids are sick, you can exert control by taking them to the doctor, getting the medicine and having them take that at the prescribed intervals and most of the time they get better. As a parent, you accept the reality of the disease and make choices to protect your child. If they are feeling bad, they usually do what is asked of them in an effort to feel better.
The concept of Acceptance, however, takes on a different level of importance when you are dealing with addiction. This disease is complicated and involves the mind, spirit and body. You might be able to exert control and create limits like have a child or loved one committed to a treatment facility that helps drive sobriety for a time and provides the body a break. But, the work that has to been done spiritually and mentally can be only done by the addict. When we first realized that our son was dealing with addiction, we did get him into treatment right away. I had no idea about the complexity of this disease. All my children had previous significant health issues and I attacked this one the same way. I did exactly what the professionals said to do. Yes, treatment gave his body a break. He began to look and feel better. His personality returned. His ability to show love and respect returned. And, I thought we had experienced a momentary bump in the road and we could just move on…
Well, three relapses later, I finally began to realize that my son was in a battle for his life that I could never understand or really wage war on his behalf. He had a battle to wage on all 3 fronts- spiritual, mental, and physical. I had to accept this disease in order to learn how to love, support, and have compassion for my child going forward. I had to accept that my son’s life was taking a different path than I had planned. That required grieving the future I held for him. It is also required acknowledging that the future that I had for him was not the future in God’s sovereign plan. And, that required me to trust God. The only way that my son could wage that war is if he ended up at the very same place. Acceptance of his disease, his future, and that God was trustworthy, forgiving, and more powerful than the addiction.
Acceptance means behaving differently. It means understanding that addicts think differently. It means giving up your image of who you want your child to be and really try to see the child you have. And, it means giving up all the old ways of nurture and protection. There comes a time when you can’t provide money or even shelter because you are providing for the disease, not your child. You realize that even out of love you are actually harming rather than helping. It took me a very long time to accept that!
I recently received a copy of a letter from an addict to a parent. There is so much in this letter that would touch you but this quote from the letter gets at the need to rethink protection for your addict. “When I was young, I used to think there was a monster in my closet, so you would run into my room and reassure me that there was no monster by opening the closet. But, since I’ve found drugs, I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster. It’s not inside my closet; it’s inside of me. And if I can’t learn to deal with it, it will ultimately destroy me. See…now that I’m older, it’s not your job to protect me from monsters anymore.”
To accept that I can’t protect my son from his monsters is hard and painful and yet the addict needs to hit the bottom and fight his own monsters. If we as parents keep that from happening, we help to prolong the disease. The rawest conversation I ever had with my son was last fall sitting in the parking lot of a softball field. The disease was clearly in control as he yelled and cursed at me. And Yes, "I was a mean,cold-hearted mother". I told him that I would not send any more money. I could not live with myself if he overdosed on the money I sent him for food. He was going to the bottom and it was painful for both of us. Those new boundaries I put in place were hard. Today, I got the sweetest email from him with a Christian write-up on the comfort of trials. He continues to be sober and is fighting his own monsters on all fronts. There is hope and he is living that out…
Acceptance often comes with pain. It comes with grief and sadness. It also comes with relief and it comes with renewed life. The funny thing is that I actually had to get to my own bottom where the only thing I had left was to trust God. We are told in the Bible that all the days of our lives were ordained and written in HIS book before one of them came to be. I had to believe that to accept where we were. My first trip to see my son after the last relapse was right before Christmas. I prayed on my way to accept my son for where he was so that I could enjoy my time with him rather than project my future and my fears for him and miss the moment. I was able to do that and it was a very special day!
For those of you who haven’t had to learn about this disease of addiction, please know that one of the fears that family members have that often keeps them from sharing their burdens is what you will think. The disease is hard to understand and it compels very bad behavior at times. But, our kids are not just bad kids. They have a disease that compels destructive behavior. There are husbands who want to be loving husbands and dads and feel terrible the next day after they make a scene. Relapses happen. Our loved ones are not just bad people trying to make better choices. They are sick people trying to get well. So, if you have a friend or family member dealing with an addict, please build your awareness of the disease if possible. Without an understanding of the disease, it is easier to judge rather than have compassion. We need support through understanding and accepting the that this is a disease with terrible symptoms.
Please know that even with Acceptance in the area of addiction, we still have choices. We can’t exert control over the addict’s actions like we may be able to do with our other kids’ activities like after-prom parties. But we can learn to love not only our addict better but also ourselves. We can learn to not place our expectations on others but see who God made them to be and be present on the journey that was laid for them as well as for us. I don’t want the miss the moments by hanging on to MY picture of the future and my fears/disppointment when it doesn't line up. And I accept that the future will be richer than I would have dreamed anyway and I stay present in the gift of the moment! Just like our kids can still have fun with a few boundaries, there is still joy to be had even with the new boundaries that come from acceptance in dealing with this disease.
Still on the journey and still running!
Well, I do accept that teenagers are struggling to understand their own identify and value, don’t always make the best decisions, are really bad at predicting the consequences of their choices, and are often more interested in trying out what their peers are doing rather than what the parents have taught them. So, if that’s acceptance so be it. However, I can acknowledge or accept that they are inclined that way but it doesn’t mean I have no choice or influence as a parent. So, after a million calls and texts between parents over the past three days, some plans were not allowed, new plans got made and the night was successfully survived. And, lo and behold, there are other “really mean parents” who actually do care what their children are doing afterwards just like me. And, modern miracles do occur. There is still fun to be had in the moment even with a few boundaries are in place. Who can believe that! (at least under the age of 40!!)
Now, with everyday life issues with your kids, you can accept certain truths like how a teenage mind operates and still exert some control and limits to teach and protect them. But of course, unless you are going to micro-chip them, escort them everywhere, or lock them in the basement, there is always an opportunity that they will make a bad choice. You can certainly limit it and create consequences that help influence the behavior. They do get at some level the value of not losing their phone or the keys. And, when your kids are sick, you can exert control by taking them to the doctor, getting the medicine and having them take that at the prescribed intervals and most of the time they get better. As a parent, you accept the reality of the disease and make choices to protect your child. If they are feeling bad, they usually do what is asked of them in an effort to feel better.
The concept of Acceptance, however, takes on a different level of importance when you are dealing with addiction. This disease is complicated and involves the mind, spirit and body. You might be able to exert control and create limits like have a child or loved one committed to a treatment facility that helps drive sobriety for a time and provides the body a break. But, the work that has to been done spiritually and mentally can be only done by the addict. When we first realized that our son was dealing with addiction, we did get him into treatment right away. I had no idea about the complexity of this disease. All my children had previous significant health issues and I attacked this one the same way. I did exactly what the professionals said to do. Yes, treatment gave his body a break. He began to look and feel better. His personality returned. His ability to show love and respect returned. And, I thought we had experienced a momentary bump in the road and we could just move on…
Well, three relapses later, I finally began to realize that my son was in a battle for his life that I could never understand or really wage war on his behalf. He had a battle to wage on all 3 fronts- spiritual, mental, and physical. I had to accept this disease in order to learn how to love, support, and have compassion for my child going forward. I had to accept that my son’s life was taking a different path than I had planned. That required grieving the future I held for him. It is also required acknowledging that the future that I had for him was not the future in God’s sovereign plan. And, that required me to trust God. The only way that my son could wage that war is if he ended up at the very same place. Acceptance of his disease, his future, and that God was trustworthy, forgiving, and more powerful than the addiction.
Acceptance means behaving differently. It means understanding that addicts think differently. It means giving up your image of who you want your child to be and really try to see the child you have. And, it means giving up all the old ways of nurture and protection. There comes a time when you can’t provide money or even shelter because you are providing for the disease, not your child. You realize that even out of love you are actually harming rather than helping. It took me a very long time to accept that!
I recently received a copy of a letter from an addict to a parent. There is so much in this letter that would touch you but this quote from the letter gets at the need to rethink protection for your addict. “When I was young, I used to think there was a monster in my closet, so you would run into my room and reassure me that there was no monster by opening the closet. But, since I’ve found drugs, I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster. It’s not inside my closet; it’s inside of me. And if I can’t learn to deal with it, it will ultimately destroy me. See…now that I’m older, it’s not your job to protect me from monsters anymore.”
To accept that I can’t protect my son from his monsters is hard and painful and yet the addict needs to hit the bottom and fight his own monsters. If we as parents keep that from happening, we help to prolong the disease. The rawest conversation I ever had with my son was last fall sitting in the parking lot of a softball field. The disease was clearly in control as he yelled and cursed at me. And Yes, "I was a mean,cold-hearted mother". I told him that I would not send any more money. I could not live with myself if he overdosed on the money I sent him for food. He was going to the bottom and it was painful for both of us. Those new boundaries I put in place were hard. Today, I got the sweetest email from him with a Christian write-up on the comfort of trials. He continues to be sober and is fighting his own monsters on all fronts. There is hope and he is living that out…
Acceptance often comes with pain. It comes with grief and sadness. It also comes with relief and it comes with renewed life. The funny thing is that I actually had to get to my own bottom where the only thing I had left was to trust God. We are told in the Bible that all the days of our lives were ordained and written in HIS book before one of them came to be. I had to believe that to accept where we were. My first trip to see my son after the last relapse was right before Christmas. I prayed on my way to accept my son for where he was so that I could enjoy my time with him rather than project my future and my fears for him and miss the moment. I was able to do that and it was a very special day!
For those of you who haven’t had to learn about this disease of addiction, please know that one of the fears that family members have that often keeps them from sharing their burdens is what you will think. The disease is hard to understand and it compels very bad behavior at times. But, our kids are not just bad kids. They have a disease that compels destructive behavior. There are husbands who want to be loving husbands and dads and feel terrible the next day after they make a scene. Relapses happen. Our loved ones are not just bad people trying to make better choices. They are sick people trying to get well. So, if you have a friend or family member dealing with an addict, please build your awareness of the disease if possible. Without an understanding of the disease, it is easier to judge rather than have compassion. We need support through understanding and accepting the that this is a disease with terrible symptoms.
Please know that even with Acceptance in the area of addiction, we still have choices. We can’t exert control over the addict’s actions like we may be able to do with our other kids’ activities like after-prom parties. But we can learn to love not only our addict better but also ourselves. We can learn to not place our expectations on others but see who God made them to be and be present on the journey that was laid for them as well as for us. I don’t want the miss the moments by hanging on to MY picture of the future and my fears/disppointment when it doesn't line up. And I accept that the future will be richer than I would have dreamed anyway and I stay present in the gift of the moment! Just like our kids can still have fun with a few boundaries, there is still joy to be had even with the new boundaries that come from acceptance in dealing with this disease.
Still on the journey and still running!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Where everybody knows your name...
I just got back from a college visit to my alma mater- Ole Miss, with my younger son. For those not familiar with Ole Miss, it is a very special place. The campus is beautiful and is bordered by a downtown square with lots of restaurants and fun shopping. All of it in walking distance from one end to the other. It was such a special opportunity to share the campus and stories with my son on a weekend not quite as hectic as a football weekend. I graduated almost 30 years ago and yet, I felt so at home this weekend. There was a sense of familiarity, the people, the places, and the greetings… I ran into people who were in school with me. I saw familiar faces of people who live in Oxford. And, I saw old friends who hugged me and were genuinely glad to see me. I caught up with other friends’ and their kids at restaurants and coffee shops. For someone that moved 10 hours away after graduation, it is mind-blowing to feel such comfort and love after being gone so long.
My son also got to meet with faculty members who run a program that helps with freshman transition. They really reinforced building a community as quickly as possible when getting to campus. That theme was repeated as he met with different groups like Campus Crusade. And as we talked about that, I realized that the reason I felt so at home was that Ole Miss was my community for an important part of my life. I became an adult on that campus. The school, my friends, and my experiences created a bond that will always be a part of me at my core.
While in Oxford, I also got to spend time with mothers of two of my closest high school friends. And, they were very much a part of my community growing up. It was such a special time to be with these women again and to talk about life and its challenges. It kind of reminded me of the theme song from Cheers- “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.” But, it’s even more than that; you want to go where everybody knows YOU…
When we first realized what the situation was with my oldest and got him into long term residential treatment, I certainly did tell a few close friends but I felt very isolated. They wanted to help. Quite frankly, I didn’t even know how to help myself. How could I expect them to help me? They had no children with addiction. They loved me and felt compassion. But, they couldn’t really put themselves in my shoes and encourage me in ways to combat my struggles. Unless you have gone through something similar, it is hard to understand the anxiety and panic that overtakes you when the phone rings from your child. Or, when a simple request for some financial assistance comes, the fear that then kicks in. Or, even worse the physical pain that you feel when you stop enabling and let them go to the bottom.
So, you don’t feel fully understood and you don’t have the energy to try to explain. There are also times when you are struggling with your own internal questions and that shame or guilt weigh so heavy. That internal “accuser” voice is loud and adds more baggage. Rather than share those struggles, we carry that burden alone. I definitely carried that burden. I picture it as a bag on my back. I threw all that shame, those questions, that fear, and hurt into the bag. And I did my very best to hide it from those around me. It worked at first because I could balance that bag and still stand up straight. So, as long as I managed my interaction with you and stood facing you, you didn’t know that I was carrying it. But, eventually the bag gets too tough to carry standing straight up or I cannot manage my interaction and have to turn my back towards you. You begin to see the burden. If I am not willing to share, I then create a barrier to relationships and I am still left to struggle with my burden on my own. For me, last fall was the time when I finally staggered under the burden and knew I needed to add a community of people who had experienced dealing with addiction. And, I started Alanon. The first several times I spoke up, I cried every time. I had lost that protective veneer. It was the very thing that allowed me to share my burdens and start a new way of thinking. The members of Alanon understood my experience. They knew me in a different way because of our shared struggles. They have been key to my healing.
I asked a couple of people in recovery their thoughts about community. My son was one of those people. He said that community provides a place where God not only reflects his love through others but also teaches him to grow. The other comment that came back is that community can provide camaraderie of people with a common connection. You experience the power and the hope of “me too!” So, I guess the second verse of the Cheers theme song better addresses this- “You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You wanna be where everybody knows your name”
Community is so important and valuable. There come seasons when you need to add to your support. You either need to engage differently with existing communities or seek out those people who have a common experience. They can provide love and encouragement. They can hold a mirror at the times when we need that kind of support. And, they will get YOU. Your story will be familiar to them and they can provide hope. They can help you drop that bag of pain you carry on your back or at least share the load for a while. God placed us in relationship so that he can minister to us. If your fear or shame or pain blocks your relationships, you are blocking his hand at that moment. He won’t let you go but you may not feel that presence until you let others in. So, for anyone feeling alone and carrying a burden, I really encourage you to find a community to be a support to you and you to them. It can be so instrumental to your healing and peace.
I am thankful for the various communities in which I have and continue to be a part of. They are very much a part of who I am today and what I have to share with others. My hope for my son that is making a college decision in the next couple of weeks is that he finds a place that feels like home. A place that becomes his community and provides the support and encouragement he needs. Ole Miss may or may not be that place for him. Time will tell… But regardless, I think he understands the value of community. He will be going through a major transition and building community quickly will give him support, encouragement, and growth. And, connecting with those who are experiencing similar changes and are rooted in similar values will provide the foundation necessary to enter into his new phase. They will serve as his place to get away, a place where everybody knows his name or more importantly knows him…
My son also got to meet with faculty members who run a program that helps with freshman transition. They really reinforced building a community as quickly as possible when getting to campus. That theme was repeated as he met with different groups like Campus Crusade. And as we talked about that, I realized that the reason I felt so at home was that Ole Miss was my community for an important part of my life. I became an adult on that campus. The school, my friends, and my experiences created a bond that will always be a part of me at my core.
While in Oxford, I also got to spend time with mothers of two of my closest high school friends. And, they were very much a part of my community growing up. It was such a special time to be with these women again and to talk about life and its challenges. It kind of reminded me of the theme song from Cheers- “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.” But, it’s even more than that; you want to go where everybody knows YOU…
When we first realized what the situation was with my oldest and got him into long term residential treatment, I certainly did tell a few close friends but I felt very isolated. They wanted to help. Quite frankly, I didn’t even know how to help myself. How could I expect them to help me? They had no children with addiction. They loved me and felt compassion. But, they couldn’t really put themselves in my shoes and encourage me in ways to combat my struggles. Unless you have gone through something similar, it is hard to understand the anxiety and panic that overtakes you when the phone rings from your child. Or, when a simple request for some financial assistance comes, the fear that then kicks in. Or, even worse the physical pain that you feel when you stop enabling and let them go to the bottom.
So, you don’t feel fully understood and you don’t have the energy to try to explain. There are also times when you are struggling with your own internal questions and that shame or guilt weigh so heavy. That internal “accuser” voice is loud and adds more baggage. Rather than share those struggles, we carry that burden alone. I definitely carried that burden. I picture it as a bag on my back. I threw all that shame, those questions, that fear, and hurt into the bag. And I did my very best to hide it from those around me. It worked at first because I could balance that bag and still stand up straight. So, as long as I managed my interaction with you and stood facing you, you didn’t know that I was carrying it. But, eventually the bag gets too tough to carry standing straight up or I cannot manage my interaction and have to turn my back towards you. You begin to see the burden. If I am not willing to share, I then create a barrier to relationships and I am still left to struggle with my burden on my own. For me, last fall was the time when I finally staggered under the burden and knew I needed to add a community of people who had experienced dealing with addiction. And, I started Alanon. The first several times I spoke up, I cried every time. I had lost that protective veneer. It was the very thing that allowed me to share my burdens and start a new way of thinking. The members of Alanon understood my experience. They knew me in a different way because of our shared struggles. They have been key to my healing.
I asked a couple of people in recovery their thoughts about community. My son was one of those people. He said that community provides a place where God not only reflects his love through others but also teaches him to grow. The other comment that came back is that community can provide camaraderie of people with a common connection. You experience the power and the hope of “me too!” So, I guess the second verse of the Cheers theme song better addresses this- “You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You wanna be where everybody knows your name”
Community is so important and valuable. There come seasons when you need to add to your support. You either need to engage differently with existing communities or seek out those people who have a common experience. They can provide love and encouragement. They can hold a mirror at the times when we need that kind of support. And, they will get YOU. Your story will be familiar to them and they can provide hope. They can help you drop that bag of pain you carry on your back or at least share the load for a while. God placed us in relationship so that he can minister to us. If your fear or shame or pain blocks your relationships, you are blocking his hand at that moment. He won’t let you go but you may not feel that presence until you let others in. So, for anyone feeling alone and carrying a burden, I really encourage you to find a community to be a support to you and you to them. It can be so instrumental to your healing and peace.
I am thankful for the various communities in which I have and continue to be a part of. They are very much a part of who I am today and what I have to share with others. My hope for my son that is making a college decision in the next couple of weeks is that he finds a place that feels like home. A place that becomes his community and provides the support and encouragement he needs. Ole Miss may or may not be that place for him. Time will tell… But regardless, I think he understands the value of community. He will be going through a major transition and building community quickly will give him support, encouragement, and growth. And, connecting with those who are experiencing similar changes and are rooted in similar values will provide the foundation necessary to enter into his new phase. They will serve as his place to get away, a place where everybody knows his name or more importantly knows him…
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Anything can be redeemed
Waking up today filled with joy. I have a full day of sun, 73 degree weather and a mother daughter dinner with friends tonight. Thankfully, spring is finally trying to show up here. Here’s a little insight about me. There is a reason I don’t live further north than North Carolina. Plain and simple, I do not like cold. Winter is kind of hard on me. Too much darkness and too much cold… And, everything looks dead. Worse, it drives us inside. What I love is the sun, warmth, flowers, green grass and songbirds. This winter has really overstayed its welcome and I long for spring to take a hold. So for today, I am going to enjoy this. And, I am not going to worry about the snow that is in the forecast in a couple of days. At least, not today!!
This has been a long winter. But you know, even during a long one, if you look hard there is still beauty that inspires. I am fortunate to live on a lake or really a large pond they call a lake. Sometimes when I need a lift, I go out and look for the herron that lives on our lake or all the mallards. They make me happy even when everything is stark and cold around them. And, signs of spring come much earlier than we ever feel it. Even this week, there are some early flowering trees. My eyes always search for those beginning buds. I have a yard full of Dogwood trees and the buds are there. Although my yard still looks dead, I know that life is about to spring forth. This is just the cycle that God put in place. He has been pruning and caring for the growth necessary to provide another beautiful spring landscape. Most winters are mild and short here. And every now and then, we have a long one. Sort of mirrors life, don’t you think?
Our stories are full of winters and springs, aren’t they? So, the question that has been on my mind this week is the concept of redemption. I have tried to remain faithful in the truth that God is in it all and working to bring about his plan. And given that, I believe he is all good, all love, and all powerful. He can redeem any situation. He can increasingly build in us the characteristics that Christ represented and that is usually through our trials. And despite all of our human faults, bad choices, difficult situations, and reliance on the world’s lies, he can still redeem it for good. All, we have to do is look at the cross. God worked with betrayal, deceit, fear, ego, cowardice, anger, sacrificed his son and created good out of the mess. He provided us life even when humans tried to eliminate it. They did not see that they were part of God’s bigger story of redemption even as they tried to destroy it. There is a bigger story always in process that we humans cannot see. One that we will never understand fully this side of heaven.
I saw a Facebook post this week from Recovering Grace that said, “Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” That was such a hopeful statement to me for a number of reasons. Our stories connect us to one another. It also reinforces for me that no bad choice, no lack of wisdom, no fear, no lack of faith and trust, and NO situation is beyond HIS redemption. He works his plan- one that is good and glorifying and loving. In the end, we cannot thwart that plan. We don’t have the power to undue God’s sovereign plan. That fact in and of itself is hopeful. Our stories no matter how messy they can get are valuable. So, as a parent of an addict, I didn’t respond perfectly when this disease entered our lives if there is such a thing as a perfect response. Early on, I used to struggle with why I didn’t know sooner, why I continued to enable, and why I couldn’t make this better. The beauty is that God is teaching me through it all and he is teaching my son. He is still in control. I don’t have the power to make or break his plan.
That statement also gives me such hope for my son. His story is valuable even at its worst. Even as I give up my dreams of what his life might be, God is working in his life to redeem it to something bigger than I could ever imagine and possibly bigger than I will ever be allowed to know on this earth. It is God’s world and I believe with all my heart that there is a much larger story of redemption in process- Much bigger than my life and my son’s… And that gives me hope.
As I was considering what I would write about on this topic, my son called last night. Just the level of conversation was a gift to me. It was deep. It was honest and it was faithful. God gave me a glimpse of redemption. My son sent me a prayer that he has been focused on that overwhelmed me with joy and hope. It was a prayer from the book, HEALING THE SHADOW. The prayer was, “Grant that I may be given appropriate difficulties and sufferings on this journey so that my heart may be truly awakened and my practice of liberation and universal compassion may be fulfilled.” Rather than finding every excuse for his problems, he is valuing his struggles. He is recognizing that freedom from the holds of addiction comes from God and opens up potential for greater things. In my son, I see healing progressing. And, I see hope.
So, as we move into spring and approach Easter, let us focus on the cross and the hope of redemption. I see hope in my life and in my son’s despite all the mess and pain and struggle. I know there is redemption in our story. So, if your life feels like a season of winter, look around for the buds of spring. They will be there if you look hard. And, if you feel your life is a mess, there is hope. If your child is struggling, there is hope. ANYTHING can be redeemed. Thank God, there is always hope! Your story is valuable. And, spring is on the horizon!
Thank you, God, that you forgive, love, and redeem us! And thank you for our stories!
Definitely running with joy and hope today.
This has been a long winter. But you know, even during a long one, if you look hard there is still beauty that inspires. I am fortunate to live on a lake or really a large pond they call a lake. Sometimes when I need a lift, I go out and look for the herron that lives on our lake or all the mallards. They make me happy even when everything is stark and cold around them. And, signs of spring come much earlier than we ever feel it. Even this week, there are some early flowering trees. My eyes always search for those beginning buds. I have a yard full of Dogwood trees and the buds are there. Although my yard still looks dead, I know that life is about to spring forth. This is just the cycle that God put in place. He has been pruning and caring for the growth necessary to provide another beautiful spring landscape. Most winters are mild and short here. And every now and then, we have a long one. Sort of mirrors life, don’t you think?
Our stories are full of winters and springs, aren’t they? So, the question that has been on my mind this week is the concept of redemption. I have tried to remain faithful in the truth that God is in it all and working to bring about his plan. And given that, I believe he is all good, all love, and all powerful. He can redeem any situation. He can increasingly build in us the characteristics that Christ represented and that is usually through our trials. And despite all of our human faults, bad choices, difficult situations, and reliance on the world’s lies, he can still redeem it for good. All, we have to do is look at the cross. God worked with betrayal, deceit, fear, ego, cowardice, anger, sacrificed his son and created good out of the mess. He provided us life even when humans tried to eliminate it. They did not see that they were part of God’s bigger story of redemption even as they tried to destroy it. There is a bigger story always in process that we humans cannot see. One that we will never understand fully this side of heaven.
I saw a Facebook post this week from Recovering Grace that said, “Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” That was such a hopeful statement to me for a number of reasons. Our stories connect us to one another. It also reinforces for me that no bad choice, no lack of wisdom, no fear, no lack of faith and trust, and NO situation is beyond HIS redemption. He works his plan- one that is good and glorifying and loving. In the end, we cannot thwart that plan. We don’t have the power to undue God’s sovereign plan. That fact in and of itself is hopeful. Our stories no matter how messy they can get are valuable. So, as a parent of an addict, I didn’t respond perfectly when this disease entered our lives if there is such a thing as a perfect response. Early on, I used to struggle with why I didn’t know sooner, why I continued to enable, and why I couldn’t make this better. The beauty is that God is teaching me through it all and he is teaching my son. He is still in control. I don’t have the power to make or break his plan.
That statement also gives me such hope for my son. His story is valuable even at its worst. Even as I give up my dreams of what his life might be, God is working in his life to redeem it to something bigger than I could ever imagine and possibly bigger than I will ever be allowed to know on this earth. It is God’s world and I believe with all my heart that there is a much larger story of redemption in process- Much bigger than my life and my son’s… And that gives me hope.
As I was considering what I would write about on this topic, my son called last night. Just the level of conversation was a gift to me. It was deep. It was honest and it was faithful. God gave me a glimpse of redemption. My son sent me a prayer that he has been focused on that overwhelmed me with joy and hope. It was a prayer from the book, HEALING THE SHADOW. The prayer was, “Grant that I may be given appropriate difficulties and sufferings on this journey so that my heart may be truly awakened and my practice of liberation and universal compassion may be fulfilled.” Rather than finding every excuse for his problems, he is valuing his struggles. He is recognizing that freedom from the holds of addiction comes from God and opens up potential for greater things. In my son, I see healing progressing. And, I see hope.
So, as we move into spring and approach Easter, let us focus on the cross and the hope of redemption. I see hope in my life and in my son’s despite all the mess and pain and struggle. I know there is redemption in our story. So, if your life feels like a season of winter, look around for the buds of spring. They will be there if you look hard. And, if you feel your life is a mess, there is hope. If your child is struggling, there is hope. ANYTHING can be redeemed. Thank God, there is always hope! Your story is valuable. And, spring is on the horizon!
Thank you, God, that you forgive, love, and redeem us! And thank you for our stories!
Definitely running with joy and hope today.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Yes, I can still panic...
If you read the very first post, this blog started with a running project. In a symbolic gesture of support for my son’s recovery journey, I will be running 1000 miles over the course of the year. This week was my 15th week and I will pass 330 miles. I am basically one-third of the way towards my goal and at least two weeks ahead of schedule. So, I am officially taking pause to celebrate the accomplishment so far. That is really not my normal approach. I tend to focus on what I haven’t done more than what I have. Last week when I was talking to a friend about where I was in the 1000 mile project, she commented on what an accomplishment it was. I responded that yes, but I was really slow. She looked at me and said, “You do know that it is still an accomplishment. Who cares about the speed?” It struck me how often rather than enjoy the moment or acknowledge the progress; I am hard on myself about some perceived failure or gap. I hold myself to an expectation that I would never hold someone else to. In fact, I often hold myself responsible for other’s choices and behaviors.
The last two weeks have been pretty challenging. People that I love have been dealing with great tragedies, illness, and struggling children. And, as I have tried to support them, my heart has been heavy. So, when one of my children came to me with a real struggle on making a big decision about his future and then a few days later, I realized that there was more to the story. He actually had greater struggles at school. I literally launched into 24 hours of panic.
So, what did my panic look like?
First, it was a physical reaction. I was a mess the night I found out the full picture. I didn’t sleep that first night. My mind was racing with all the questions about how we got here and what do we do next. Anxiety about the answers and the outcomes was in full force. The next day, I fought off waves of tears alternating between the tears and shoving the emotion back down only to erupt again in another wave. I worked very hard to keep it in private. In that moment, I had lost full control of my emotions and physical reaction.
It was fear. I projected a very negative outcome. I layered in all the fears that I experienced with my oldest child and his struggle with addiction into this scenario. I was certain that I would have another child whose future was at risk. In that moment, I had lost perspective on the issue at hand.
And, it was self-recrimination and guilt. I dealt with myself harshly. It was a personal “smack down”. How did I not see what was going on with my child? Have I not given my children the right foundations to handle life’s challenges? Have I not parented them in a way to thrive? What kind of mother am I? I am not equipped… In that moment, I had lost grace for myself and trust in God’s ability to work through me and in my child.
In the middle of this panic, I had a close friend call. As I lost control and sobbed, I told her the story of what was going on. She said to me, “Slow down. You are responding to this in a post-traumatic stress manner.” She was right. I was reacting to this out of all the fear I had experienced when my son was in active addiction. We started walking through the broader context, the other positive things going on in my child’s life and what the next steps could be. That was the beginning of subsiding that panic. The support from a close friend helped me stop, breathe and take a more realistic view of the situation. I dropped to my knees and prayed. That prayer began to diminish my fear. Over the course of the day, I began to gain control over my emotions and regain a proper perspective. I was better able to respond rather than react.
Later in the week, I was talking to a therapist about these 24 hours of panic. He said that it made sense that I responded from old trauma. He went on to talk about our body reacts from prior traumas. The original fear that I felt about the welfare of my oldest or other life situations was natural. Our body kicks into fight or flight mode. So, there are steps to take when our body reacts to intervene like breathing and prayer. It was not my weakness. It was natural.
Then we talked about the corresponding self-recriminations that occur for me when faced with these challenges. I have thought a lot about that. I often lose sight of my value as a child of God and do not treat myself with the grace I give others. I operate from a place of responsibility for those in my life. A place that holds me accountable for their reactions, choices and outcomes. What a place of ego!! It is a heavy accountability and completely irrational. Yes, God loves me and put my children under my care. He also loves my children and gave us all free will. It is through our choices and their outcomes that He works in our lives. So, my drive to protect can actually injure or postpone growth. It is my job to set boundaries, guide, support and love. It is not my job to take the full burden of my family’s choices and behavior. And, I can trust that God is never asleep and is active in their lives whether I can see it or not. So, I am giving myself grace in this situation and trusting in God’s involvement. What a relief…
Well, the world did not end last week, the sun still rose, and yes, my child still has a bright future! The outcome of the situation with my child is that we created a plan that he was responsible for, let him execute on that plan, and set some family consequences. I think he learned some real lessons around dealing with stress and built some confidence around being able to handle challenges. With the weight of his issues relieved, he has new perspective and seems to be ready to move forward with his decision about his future. And, I learned some real lessons as well. God was working for the good in both our lives.
I had a recent conversation with a mother who was dealing with her child’s addiction. In many ways, the issues I described above where playing out as she dealt with her situation. I know I have experienced it more than once when my son was in active addiction. And, clearly these challenges spill over into other areas of our lives. For those of you dealing with challenging situations with your kids, I leave you with the lessons that I was reminded of this week and am trying to hold on to:
1. Emotions and physical reactions are normal. Don’t feel weak because they occur. Do what you can to take care of your physical needs in the middle of the crisis. Even if all you can do is pay attention to your breathing. And, pray for peace…
2. Support is necessary, so reach out. The ability to gain perspective is important and others can be instrumental in that process. And, pray for wisdom…
3. Fear is normal but harmful. So, share your fears. Parenting out of fear is parenting out of a place of weakness not of strength. Shine light on your fears by acknowledging those fears with others. It helps to minimize their stronghold. And, pray for clarity…
4. Give yourself grace. There is no parenting manual on dealing with a child who is an addict. In Alanon, I have learned to accept that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control and I can’t cure it. What we experience in those traumatic situations does impact other areas of our lives. It is a family disease. Do the best you can at the moment, continue to learn and take care of yourself. It will enable you to be a better parent. And, pray for faith...
5. God loves you and your child and is right by your side. Trust that! And, just keep praying…
So today, I am going to celebrate that my panic only lasted for 24 hours and that I was able to incorporate old and new learnings through the situation. I am going to celebrate that my child learned valuable lessons last week and that God is actively working in his life. And I am going to celebrate that I have run 330 miles no matter how many hours it took me to do it!
With that, I’ll run some more. What a journey this life is! And, I’ll celebrate that!
The last two weeks have been pretty challenging. People that I love have been dealing with great tragedies, illness, and struggling children. And, as I have tried to support them, my heart has been heavy. So, when one of my children came to me with a real struggle on making a big decision about his future and then a few days later, I realized that there was more to the story. He actually had greater struggles at school. I literally launched into 24 hours of panic.
So, what did my panic look like?
First, it was a physical reaction. I was a mess the night I found out the full picture. I didn’t sleep that first night. My mind was racing with all the questions about how we got here and what do we do next. Anxiety about the answers and the outcomes was in full force. The next day, I fought off waves of tears alternating between the tears and shoving the emotion back down only to erupt again in another wave. I worked very hard to keep it in private. In that moment, I had lost full control of my emotions and physical reaction.
It was fear. I projected a very negative outcome. I layered in all the fears that I experienced with my oldest child and his struggle with addiction into this scenario. I was certain that I would have another child whose future was at risk. In that moment, I had lost perspective on the issue at hand.
And, it was self-recrimination and guilt. I dealt with myself harshly. It was a personal “smack down”. How did I not see what was going on with my child? Have I not given my children the right foundations to handle life’s challenges? Have I not parented them in a way to thrive? What kind of mother am I? I am not equipped… In that moment, I had lost grace for myself and trust in God’s ability to work through me and in my child.
In the middle of this panic, I had a close friend call. As I lost control and sobbed, I told her the story of what was going on. She said to me, “Slow down. You are responding to this in a post-traumatic stress manner.” She was right. I was reacting to this out of all the fear I had experienced when my son was in active addiction. We started walking through the broader context, the other positive things going on in my child’s life and what the next steps could be. That was the beginning of subsiding that panic. The support from a close friend helped me stop, breathe and take a more realistic view of the situation. I dropped to my knees and prayed. That prayer began to diminish my fear. Over the course of the day, I began to gain control over my emotions and regain a proper perspective. I was better able to respond rather than react.
Later in the week, I was talking to a therapist about these 24 hours of panic. He said that it made sense that I responded from old trauma. He went on to talk about our body reacts from prior traumas. The original fear that I felt about the welfare of my oldest or other life situations was natural. Our body kicks into fight or flight mode. So, there are steps to take when our body reacts to intervene like breathing and prayer. It was not my weakness. It was natural.
Then we talked about the corresponding self-recriminations that occur for me when faced with these challenges. I have thought a lot about that. I often lose sight of my value as a child of God and do not treat myself with the grace I give others. I operate from a place of responsibility for those in my life. A place that holds me accountable for their reactions, choices and outcomes. What a place of ego!! It is a heavy accountability and completely irrational. Yes, God loves me and put my children under my care. He also loves my children and gave us all free will. It is through our choices and their outcomes that He works in our lives. So, my drive to protect can actually injure or postpone growth. It is my job to set boundaries, guide, support and love. It is not my job to take the full burden of my family’s choices and behavior. And, I can trust that God is never asleep and is active in their lives whether I can see it or not. So, I am giving myself grace in this situation and trusting in God’s involvement. What a relief…
Well, the world did not end last week, the sun still rose, and yes, my child still has a bright future! The outcome of the situation with my child is that we created a plan that he was responsible for, let him execute on that plan, and set some family consequences. I think he learned some real lessons around dealing with stress and built some confidence around being able to handle challenges. With the weight of his issues relieved, he has new perspective and seems to be ready to move forward with his decision about his future. And, I learned some real lessons as well. God was working for the good in both our lives.
I had a recent conversation with a mother who was dealing with her child’s addiction. In many ways, the issues I described above where playing out as she dealt with her situation. I know I have experienced it more than once when my son was in active addiction. And, clearly these challenges spill over into other areas of our lives. For those of you dealing with challenging situations with your kids, I leave you with the lessons that I was reminded of this week and am trying to hold on to:
1. Emotions and physical reactions are normal. Don’t feel weak because they occur. Do what you can to take care of your physical needs in the middle of the crisis. Even if all you can do is pay attention to your breathing. And, pray for peace…
2. Support is necessary, so reach out. The ability to gain perspective is important and others can be instrumental in that process. And, pray for wisdom…
3. Fear is normal but harmful. So, share your fears. Parenting out of fear is parenting out of a place of weakness not of strength. Shine light on your fears by acknowledging those fears with others. It helps to minimize their stronghold. And, pray for clarity…
4. Give yourself grace. There is no parenting manual on dealing with a child who is an addict. In Alanon, I have learned to accept that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control and I can’t cure it. What we experience in those traumatic situations does impact other areas of our lives. It is a family disease. Do the best you can at the moment, continue to learn and take care of yourself. It will enable you to be a better parent. And, pray for faith...
5. God loves you and your child and is right by your side. Trust that! And, just keep praying…
So today, I am going to celebrate that my panic only lasted for 24 hours and that I was able to incorporate old and new learnings through the situation. I am going to celebrate that my child learned valuable lessons last week and that God is actively working in his life. And I am going to celebrate that I have run 330 miles no matter how many hours it took me to do it!
With that, I’ll run some more. What a journey this life is! And, I’ll celebrate that!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Dealing with loneliness...
At the end of my blog is a section called “About Me”. And, at the end of that section, I acknowledge that I will not always capture things perfectly and ask for your grace as I share what I am learning on this journey. So, today I ask for your grace. I have a topic that has grabbed my soul this week but as I start to write I have no clarity about where God is taking this. So, I just trust that it will speak to someone who needs to hear it.
This has been a sad, heavy week. Two people who I care about lost someone close to them unexpectedly. Another person close to me received a cancer diagnosis. And, I have had conversations with mothers of addicts who have felt isolated and lonely on top of the fear, grief, and the myriad of emotions that come when dealing with a child struggling with addiction. So, I want to explore loneliness. There are times that as we deal with adversity we feel incredible loneliness.
I am not talking about loneliness that is just boredom that comes from being alone or missing someone who is temporarily absent. And, I am not talking about loneliness that is associated with real depression. That really needs to be addressed by people who are experts in dealing with depression. I am talking about loneliness that most if not all of us have experienced at some time or another. It comes from feeling isolated, unknown, misunderstood, forgotten or even unloved. This kind of soul loneliness can certainly occur when you are alone but can just as easily occur in a crowded room.
I have been blessed throughout my life with a family who loves me and friends who do as well. And I love them and am so thankful for those who have been and are in my life. And even so, I have struggled with loneliness at different times in my life. My struggle with loneliness has been the times where I was facing adversity. So, the question is why does my loneliness repeat itself when I am surrounded by people who care. I have relationships but what are the barriers to those relationships that are creating my loneliness? There are actually many answers to that question at least for me so I thought I’d share some of those with you. By exploring the answers, I have found some truths.
ANSWER ONE: At some point in my life, I adopted the belief that I was supposed to be perfect. If I was perfect, then others would be pleased with me and my life would be filled with blessings and peace as if I was the center of life. Perfection really drives self-importance, doesn’t it? My boss earlier in my career who was a mentor to me could see the stress that this belief caused me. Most of the time, I could hide it. But that day, she saw me and I mean really saw ME. She said out of love, "you are the most imperfect perfectionist I know". She saw behind the façade that I had so carefully built. Her point was that I was living my life based on “shoulds” and some misguided belief that I could control life if I just did things perfectly. TRUTH ONE: Living with the belief that one must be perfect requires a façade to be built as no one is perfect. That façade is not only a burden but creates loneliness and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
It does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
ANSWER TWO: Plain and simple, I struggle with both pride and shame. I don’t want anyone to see my mess. I don’t want to be vulnerable. When challenged with a difficulty, I have tried to handle it on my own. My pride just gets in the way. When I have failed, I have felt shame. Shame that I made the wrong choices or wasn’t fully capable to deal with the problem or even my emotions. Or, shame that I would disappoint those that loved me. TRUTH TWO: Pride breeds self-reliance and shame challenges our value as a child of God. And yes, living through adversity focused on pride or shame is a burden, creates loneliness, and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
We were not created to handle this broken world on our own and it does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
ANSWER THREE: Lastly, when I allow fear to replace hope, fear seeps into everything. Life gets small. It gets dark and it gets lonely. Fear causes my focus to shift to self-protection. When crisis hits, I get hit with each of these answers and land at fear. I should have made a different choice or known how to handle something. I can’t let someone see what a mess I am. I am afraid because I do not know what the next step is. TRUTH THREE- Fear is not of the Lord. Hope is. Anything is possible with God. Finally, managing adversity through fear is a burden, creates loneliness and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
We were created to be in relationship with God and his children and living in fear does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
Dealing with a child or any family member who is struggling with addiction can be a very lonely and isolating place to be. I can look at each of those areas: perfectionism, pride, shame, fear and see how it played out in the early days of my family’s situation. I was lonely. I didn’t want people to know what was going on. I was afraid they would judge me and my child. I thought I could educate myself and figure out the plan. I was self-important, self-reliant and was all about self-protection. God has been so gracious to me. You see he let all those strategies fail. He let me feel the weight of that loneliness and it ultimately drove me right back to Him. For those struggling with the loneliness and isolation of addiction, reach out first to God. He loves you and is right there every step of the way. Sometimes, we just fail to see that. Then recognize that God ministers to our needs through others. Sometimes people don’t see what is going on because of the busyness of life or the façade we carefully construct. Rather than assume that you are forgotten about or not understood, reach out, share your challenges, and ask for what you need. There are communities like Alanon that provide a safe place to discuss what is going on in your life and provide encouragement and support. And, there are likely friends who want to help and just don’t know how. Just take one step. There is encouragement and hope regardless of how lonely and hard your situation is.
For those who are not struggling with loneliness or adversities at the moment, you can be a great support to those who are. Just a simple text or a phone call to someone who is going through something might be the light that provides a little hope for the day. Slow down and pray that God will open your eyes to the needs of those in your life. Trust those moments when someone comes to your mind. I call them God-whispers. Reach out when they come. You will be amazed how God weaves us together in loving care and provides the blessing of relationship to both those being ministered to and those who are doing the ministering.
You see we were created not to be lonely but to be in relationship with our Creator. In that relationship, our Creator then uses others to minister to our needs. He intends to take our burdens if we will just release them. And when we do that in relationship with God, we honor the Life for which God’s grace has provided.
Now, off to run…
This has been a sad, heavy week. Two people who I care about lost someone close to them unexpectedly. Another person close to me received a cancer diagnosis. And, I have had conversations with mothers of addicts who have felt isolated and lonely on top of the fear, grief, and the myriad of emotions that come when dealing with a child struggling with addiction. So, I want to explore loneliness. There are times that as we deal with adversity we feel incredible loneliness.
I am not talking about loneliness that is just boredom that comes from being alone or missing someone who is temporarily absent. And, I am not talking about loneliness that is associated with real depression. That really needs to be addressed by people who are experts in dealing with depression. I am talking about loneliness that most if not all of us have experienced at some time or another. It comes from feeling isolated, unknown, misunderstood, forgotten or even unloved. This kind of soul loneliness can certainly occur when you are alone but can just as easily occur in a crowded room.
I have been blessed throughout my life with a family who loves me and friends who do as well. And I love them and am so thankful for those who have been and are in my life. And even so, I have struggled with loneliness at different times in my life. My struggle with loneliness has been the times where I was facing adversity. So, the question is why does my loneliness repeat itself when I am surrounded by people who care. I have relationships but what are the barriers to those relationships that are creating my loneliness? There are actually many answers to that question at least for me so I thought I’d share some of those with you. By exploring the answers, I have found some truths.
ANSWER ONE: At some point in my life, I adopted the belief that I was supposed to be perfect. If I was perfect, then others would be pleased with me and my life would be filled with blessings and peace as if I was the center of life. Perfection really drives self-importance, doesn’t it? My boss earlier in my career who was a mentor to me could see the stress that this belief caused me. Most of the time, I could hide it. But that day, she saw me and I mean really saw ME. She said out of love, "you are the most imperfect perfectionist I know". She saw behind the façade that I had so carefully built. Her point was that I was living my life based on “shoulds” and some misguided belief that I could control life if I just did things perfectly. TRUTH ONE: Living with the belief that one must be perfect requires a façade to be built as no one is perfect. That façade is not only a burden but creates loneliness and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
It does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
ANSWER TWO: Plain and simple, I struggle with both pride and shame. I don’t want anyone to see my mess. I don’t want to be vulnerable. When challenged with a difficulty, I have tried to handle it on my own. My pride just gets in the way. When I have failed, I have felt shame. Shame that I made the wrong choices or wasn’t fully capable to deal with the problem or even my emotions. Or, shame that I would disappoint those that loved me. TRUTH TWO: Pride breeds self-reliance and shame challenges our value as a child of God. And yes, living through adversity focused on pride or shame is a burden, creates loneliness, and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
We were not created to handle this broken world on our own and it does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
ANSWER THREE: Lastly, when I allow fear to replace hope, fear seeps into everything. Life gets small. It gets dark and it gets lonely. Fear causes my focus to shift to self-protection. When crisis hits, I get hit with each of these answers and land at fear. I should have made a different choice or known how to handle something. I can’t let someone see what a mess I am. I am afraid because I do not know what the next step is. TRUTH THREE- Fear is not of the Lord. Hope is. Anything is possible with God. Finally, managing adversity through fear is a burden, creates loneliness and becomes a barrier to real relationship.
We were created to be in relationship with God and his children and living in fear does not honor what God’s grace has provided for- Life.
Dealing with a child or any family member who is struggling with addiction can be a very lonely and isolating place to be. I can look at each of those areas: perfectionism, pride, shame, fear and see how it played out in the early days of my family’s situation. I was lonely. I didn’t want people to know what was going on. I was afraid they would judge me and my child. I thought I could educate myself and figure out the plan. I was self-important, self-reliant and was all about self-protection. God has been so gracious to me. You see he let all those strategies fail. He let me feel the weight of that loneliness and it ultimately drove me right back to Him. For those struggling with the loneliness and isolation of addiction, reach out first to God. He loves you and is right there every step of the way. Sometimes, we just fail to see that. Then recognize that God ministers to our needs through others. Sometimes people don’t see what is going on because of the busyness of life or the façade we carefully construct. Rather than assume that you are forgotten about or not understood, reach out, share your challenges, and ask for what you need. There are communities like Alanon that provide a safe place to discuss what is going on in your life and provide encouragement and support. And, there are likely friends who want to help and just don’t know how. Just take one step. There is encouragement and hope regardless of how lonely and hard your situation is.
For those who are not struggling with loneliness or adversities at the moment, you can be a great support to those who are. Just a simple text or a phone call to someone who is going through something might be the light that provides a little hope for the day. Slow down and pray that God will open your eyes to the needs of those in your life. Trust those moments when someone comes to your mind. I call them God-whispers. Reach out when they come. You will be amazed how God weaves us together in loving care and provides the blessing of relationship to both those being ministered to and those who are doing the ministering.
You see we were created not to be lonely but to be in relationship with our Creator. In that relationship, our Creator then uses others to minister to our needs. He intends to take our burdens if we will just release them. And when we do that in relationship with God, we honor the Life for which God’s grace has provided.
Now, off to run…
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Give thanks in all circumstances...Really?
With my writing, I have always tried to open my heart up and listen for what God calls to my attention. Sometimes there is silence or maybe I have just allowed the pressures of life to block the light. And yet, when I open my ears and my eyes to what is truly surrounding me, the light appears and gratitude takes the form of words for me. This week as I was preparing to leave for a business trip to London, I read a devotion focused on the verse in 1 Thessalonians that says to give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God concerning you. It has stuck with me all week so I felt compelled to write about it. Notice that it doesn’t say to give thanks for our good circumstances or try to give thanks if you can. It is pretty clear that we are called to give thanks in ALL circumstances. This is a tall order when you are dealing with life’s challenges. It is especially hard when it is your child who is having the difficulty. How do you actually give thanks for your child’s addiction?
I have spent the last 3 months or so in Alanon working through the impact of my son’s addiction on my life and quite frankly the impact of my own reactions on his. And, gratitude has been a constant area of focus over that time. For me, this is a theme that I have had to work through at other points in my life. There have been other periods of real darkness for me- abusive behavior, death, divorce, children’s health issues, and miscarriages. Throughout those periods, I have tried a lot of strategies which may have worked for a while like denial, perseverance, withdrawal and even martyrdom if I am completely honest. Eventually, strategies of self-reliance took their toll and brought my focus back to my faith and reliance on God. One of the ways that happened was through shifting my focus from the darkness or the pain of the situation to the gifts that surround me and the hope of my faith.
I have come to really believe that over time faith builds through adversity. I can look backwards and see God’s hand action. It has deepened my understanding of his love and his power in my life. In the book of Job, through his adversity, he spoke to God saying that he had now seen with his eyes what his ears had heard of God before. His faith was deepened through all the tragedy and loss. I do believe that if you shift your eyes and focus beyond the difficulties, you can open yourself up to God’s light in the darkest of times. You can do that through practicing gratitude.
I learned a great lesson years ago when I was going through a difficult separation. I had been home a week with my new baby and I had a 12 month old and a 7-year old at home. My focus was definitely on the darkness of my circumstance. I was grieving and scared, not to mention brutally tired. I remember one morning at the kitchen table my Mom encouraged me to write down my blessings. And so, I went through the motions of doing that but my focus was still on my pain. One of the items that I wrote down on my list was my children’s health. Please know that I am grateful for my children’s health and was at that time too at some level but took it for granted. My focus was not on it. I did not feel grateful because I had never been faced with the fear that comes when you have a child with a health crisis. I had not faced that challenge before. 48 hours after I wrote that list, I knew that fear. Both babies woke up with a fever and I was in the pediatrician’s office immediately. And within the hour, they were performing a spinal tap on my one week old baby. Then 24 hours later, she was hospitalized for a week with kidney issues which would go on to be a concern for next 5 years including two surgeries. Since that time, my middle son has been seriously ill with a blood infection and my oldest with lung issues that provided the circumstances that led to his addiction. So believe me, through the adversity, I have learned not to take my children’s health for granted.
Yes, I am grateful for their health. But how do you learn to actually be grateful for the illness? Give thanks in ALL circumstances… My only answer is that to give thanks, feel gratitude and live in that peace has to be a spiritual, supernatural transformation of the heart through God’s power. Otherwise, it would just be impossible to do.
This fall when my son had his last relapse, it started with chaos. It seemed everything was a challenge for him. I was incredibly fearful that he would relapse under the stress. Little did I know that he already had. But before long, my antenna was up and it all began to unravel again. He was doing things out of desperation and the disease was absolutely in control. The realization that he could die from this disease overcame me. And, for the first time, I was angry with God. I still get teary thinking about going to my knees begging God to intervene. There were choices that I was making that were against every ounce of maternal fiber in my being but I could not continue to enable the disease. I could not and would not intervene myself. I was desperate and focused on the darkness of his situation. I spent a week curled up in the fetal position on my bed. What I didn’t see at that moment was that God was on the move in my son’s life and in mine. That bottom was the beginning of recovery for both of us. 6 weeks later, my son was committed to his recovery in a way that I hadn’t seen before. He was focused on his faith and attending to all the dimensions of his disease- mental, physical, and spiritual. And, the biggest gift was his comment that the worst week of both of our lives ended up being the best week of his life. He was grateful and so I am I. Certainly, seemed impossible at the time…
I wasn’t giving thanks for my son’s circumstances last fall. God didn’t leave me though. Instead, he carried out his plan and he taught me to trust. Building trust is key. I think back to that comment by Job- my eyes now see what my ears have heard. I believed certain things about God but do I really live it out? Do I look for God to lead me through it. The truth is that often I do not. I focus on my power and the darkness rather than His Power and the light. But, God has never lost focus on me. He is teaching and I am learning- learning to trust him with my life and with my children’s.
I can see the same with my son. Through the relapses, God never let go of him. And, each relapse has taught him more about what it takes for his recovery. His faith and his reliance on God’s Power are building. He practices gratitude and so do I. Focusing on the light of God’s promises and his provision every day- I think that is how you learn to trust and to give thanks in all circumstances. I am sure that I have more learning to do in this area. And, I am certain that God will allow more adversity in my life to teach me. Today, I am truly thankful for how God is moving in my life and my son’s through these challenges. My heart is being transformed on this life journey and God is in control even when I act like I am. And thankfully with God in control, anything is possible even giving thanks in ALL circumstances!
Still running!
I have spent the last 3 months or so in Alanon working through the impact of my son’s addiction on my life and quite frankly the impact of my own reactions on his. And, gratitude has been a constant area of focus over that time. For me, this is a theme that I have had to work through at other points in my life. There have been other periods of real darkness for me- abusive behavior, death, divorce, children’s health issues, and miscarriages. Throughout those periods, I have tried a lot of strategies which may have worked for a while like denial, perseverance, withdrawal and even martyrdom if I am completely honest. Eventually, strategies of self-reliance took their toll and brought my focus back to my faith and reliance on God. One of the ways that happened was through shifting my focus from the darkness or the pain of the situation to the gifts that surround me and the hope of my faith.
I have come to really believe that over time faith builds through adversity. I can look backwards and see God’s hand action. It has deepened my understanding of his love and his power in my life. In the book of Job, through his adversity, he spoke to God saying that he had now seen with his eyes what his ears had heard of God before. His faith was deepened through all the tragedy and loss. I do believe that if you shift your eyes and focus beyond the difficulties, you can open yourself up to God’s light in the darkest of times. You can do that through practicing gratitude.
I learned a great lesson years ago when I was going through a difficult separation. I had been home a week with my new baby and I had a 12 month old and a 7-year old at home. My focus was definitely on the darkness of my circumstance. I was grieving and scared, not to mention brutally tired. I remember one morning at the kitchen table my Mom encouraged me to write down my blessings. And so, I went through the motions of doing that but my focus was still on my pain. One of the items that I wrote down on my list was my children’s health. Please know that I am grateful for my children’s health and was at that time too at some level but took it for granted. My focus was not on it. I did not feel grateful because I had never been faced with the fear that comes when you have a child with a health crisis. I had not faced that challenge before. 48 hours after I wrote that list, I knew that fear. Both babies woke up with a fever and I was in the pediatrician’s office immediately. And within the hour, they were performing a spinal tap on my one week old baby. Then 24 hours later, she was hospitalized for a week with kidney issues which would go on to be a concern for next 5 years including two surgeries. Since that time, my middle son has been seriously ill with a blood infection and my oldest with lung issues that provided the circumstances that led to his addiction. So believe me, through the adversity, I have learned not to take my children’s health for granted.
Yes, I am grateful for their health. But how do you learn to actually be grateful for the illness? Give thanks in ALL circumstances… My only answer is that to give thanks, feel gratitude and live in that peace has to be a spiritual, supernatural transformation of the heart through God’s power. Otherwise, it would just be impossible to do.
This fall when my son had his last relapse, it started with chaos. It seemed everything was a challenge for him. I was incredibly fearful that he would relapse under the stress. Little did I know that he already had. But before long, my antenna was up and it all began to unravel again. He was doing things out of desperation and the disease was absolutely in control. The realization that he could die from this disease overcame me. And, for the first time, I was angry with God. I still get teary thinking about going to my knees begging God to intervene. There were choices that I was making that were against every ounce of maternal fiber in my being but I could not continue to enable the disease. I could not and would not intervene myself. I was desperate and focused on the darkness of his situation. I spent a week curled up in the fetal position on my bed. What I didn’t see at that moment was that God was on the move in my son’s life and in mine. That bottom was the beginning of recovery for both of us. 6 weeks later, my son was committed to his recovery in a way that I hadn’t seen before. He was focused on his faith and attending to all the dimensions of his disease- mental, physical, and spiritual. And, the biggest gift was his comment that the worst week of both of our lives ended up being the best week of his life. He was grateful and so I am I. Certainly, seemed impossible at the time…
I wasn’t giving thanks for my son’s circumstances last fall. God didn’t leave me though. Instead, he carried out his plan and he taught me to trust. Building trust is key. I think back to that comment by Job- my eyes now see what my ears have heard. I believed certain things about God but do I really live it out? Do I look for God to lead me through it. The truth is that often I do not. I focus on my power and the darkness rather than His Power and the light. But, God has never lost focus on me. He is teaching and I am learning- learning to trust him with my life and with my children’s.
I can see the same with my son. Through the relapses, God never let go of him. And, each relapse has taught him more about what it takes for his recovery. His faith and his reliance on God’s Power are building. He practices gratitude and so do I. Focusing on the light of God’s promises and his provision every day- I think that is how you learn to trust and to give thanks in all circumstances. I am sure that I have more learning to do in this area. And, I am certain that God will allow more adversity in my life to teach me. Today, I am truly thankful for how God is moving in my life and my son’s through these challenges. My heart is being transformed on this life journey and God is in control even when I act like I am. And thankfully with God in control, anything is possible even giving thanks in ALL circumstances!
Still running!
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