A sacred story; a holy journey

     Over the years, I have tagged a lot of what I write with a reminder that our stories are sacred or that we are on a holy journey. I instinctively knew why I used these spiritual descriptions but I wanted to share more so you can consider the thought.  In my focus on Lent, it has become much clearer to me and I will connect those dots shortly. If you do not have a Christian belief, I still encourage you to read through this and see if something may give you a glimmer of hope.

    Let me first put some definition around sacred and holy. Now, these are very close and connected. The way I think about it is the "sacred" is something set apart for God's purposes. We see in Jeremiah 1:5, God says to Jeremiah, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purposes." So, our stories began before our birth. Our lives are complex and rich with circumstances, challenges, blessings and growth- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Now, in an honest accounting of that, it is often very messy and broken at times.  Our stories are filled with precious moments, relationships, gifts, and experiences but they are also a collection of bad decisions by ourselves and others, broken relationships, sickness and death, and mental health challenges, addiction, and disappointments. In those more difficult times, we often struggle with grief, shame, and fear among other emotions. As I look back at my story, there are so many gifts like family and friends. I got to travel the world and meet and learn from so many special people along the way. And yet in the quiet throughout my life, I have wrestled with emotions from the messier parts. 

    Despite the broken parts, my story and yours are sacred. Our stories started as a divine creation. Your journey is sacred because not only were you set apart, you are loved regardless by the God who is love. He has been with us every step of the way- every chapter and season. He saw the hard things. He saw the unbelief, bad choices, pain and fear. And yet, he chose to be with his children in the valleys and the darkness just as he was there in the mountaintops and the light. Given that he is love and forgiveness. We can leave the hard emotions that burden us behind. We can cling to the fact that we were made for a divine purpose. As Easter approaches, think about laying the burdens that you carry down at the foot of the cross.  We are forgiven.

Isn't that comforting?

    I also often say our journeys are holy. The term holy can refer to the "process" of being set apart in other words, our sanctification. The process by which we learn about God's character, develop faith and reliance, becoming more whole-spirit, mind and body. Richard Rohr referred to it as the process or experience of grace- the essence of God.  And another talked about the ongoing equipping to fulfill God's divine purpose in our lives and those who surround us. God intentionally leads us in paths to connect with others fulfilling their purpose as well. There is more going on than the circumstance or the emotions that burden us. God is working in and through us to help us better understand his character and reflect his glory to a world who needs it desperately. While we have a plans, God has a divine plan and orders our steps just as we saw in Proverbs 16:9. Truthfully, I certainly don't wake up each morning and feel the gift of a holy journey. But I know if I focus more on the fact that we are on a holy journey, it changes my perspective. It will change yours as well.  God is right there with us, guiding and teaching us. His presence and work of grace continues to sanctify us and lead us in our divine purpose. 

Isn't that hopeful?

    For Lent, I have added more time daily to seek God with the expectation that I will be somehow be different at the end. I will have a deeper relationship and understanding of God's character and his love. I fight fear almost on a daily basis and often that fight leads me to self-reliance which honestly leads me to more fear or a sense of being overwhelmed. My life is full of both blessings and hardships. While I have seen his faithfulness in my life, I forget the miracles and forge ahead. Of course, he doesn't turn away from me. He calls me forward and teaches. His Spirit becomes more real when I seek to understand. 

    Today's lesson for Lent referred to the Israelites. God saved them from slavery in Egypt. He did that through miracles. Everyone is familiar with the parting of the Red Sea. Not only did he make a way by opening the sea up, he then let the sea close on their enemies. He was visible every day in the form of a cloud and fire. He fed them what they needed each day. They saw direct evidence of God's power and presence. And yet, they forgot at times that they were on a holy journey. They turned their eyes towards other idols wanting things to happen differently or faster. They forgot the gift of freedom. While, there were times when God corrected them, he never left them. It took 40 years of wandering in the desert before they crossed into the Promise Land. That time wandering was actually a time off testing and trial, a time of learning, and a time to experience God in their midst. It was more than a punishment. It was preparation. It was a holy journey and their sacred story.

       I'll end this with a call to action. Reframe the way you think about your story. Look for God's hand in it. See the miracles and the growth that occurred. Remember the lessons that taught faith, perseverance, courage, forgiveness and love. Accept his grace fully so that you can learn to extend it. In the present, call to mind daily that God is walking that path and guiding you along. You are surrounded by his love. You are on a holy journey.

    It doesn't matter if you are currently living through struggles even ones of your own making. It doesn't matter how far into unbelief you have fallen. It doesn't matter how self-reliant you have become disregarding his power. He will not leave you. I can't say there won't be times when it is so dark that you do not feel his presence. But the real comfort and hope and peace is there for the asking. He promises to answer those who seek him. He hears us even from the bottom of the pit. He is right there by our side.

Lamentations 3:55-58 "I called your name O, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea...You came near and said, 'Do not fear.'...You redeemed my life.

Even when it's hard and messy...

God is there. 

Your journey is holy. 

You story is sacred. 

You are set apart. 

Just seek to understand who God is. Call out to him. Believe and you will be redeemed. 

 

Echoes from the well: Purpose rooted in our worth

 Have you ever deeply questioned your purpose in this life. I have been working through this concept of purpose for probably 3 years now. My need to reframe my purpose came as I approached turning 60. My kids were now adults. Work was changing. I knew my family would need me but in different ways. I needed to take better care of myself. And in the quiet of the night, probably the most painful questions focus on how I have invested my time, energy, and gifts over my adult life. Have I made the right choices, been a good parent, built strong foundations of faith, been an encourager to those in my life, served others meaningfully and on and on.

You see we all have a well within. It is where our conscience and the Spirit speak to us but also where the enemy of truth rears its head with deceit. It is from that well that we hear messages. Messages that guide us and messages that discourage us. Messages that bring clarity and messages that create internal chaos. Messages that are light and truth and those that are deceitful and dark. Picture for a moment a well, you could envision a dark and dank hole or a place of danger. Or, you can remember its purpose is life-saving. A place that provides for our greatest physical need. While in Africa, I remember seeing women with big urns or clay pots walking long distances just to get water. They understood the importance of a functioning well and structured their day to get to that life-saving water. Our internal well can be a dark place but has the ability to send us life-saving spiritual messages if we just listen and reinforce truth.

My search for purpose incorporates some fundamental truths. For me, those truths are bringing a new light to this journey. One of things that I have come to believe about this concept of purpose is that it is not a destination but a process of becoming. Becoming who God envisioned us to be even before we were born. Taking all that was instilled in us and what we have learned from our choices and experienced through our life circumstances, we are in a process of becoming who we were called to be. 

Those echoes from the well can spur us along our path or create hesitation or doubt. The echoes of deceit can suggest mistakes are life sentences. Or, we are somehow been disqualified by the very things that make us qualified to love others well. We hear messages quietly which reinforce a world's view rather than the divine view. We can feel that we reflect the darkness of our worst decisions or our most challenging circumstances. We lose sight of the fact that we are on a divine journey to uncover who God intended us to be in this world and to whom we are called to reflect the light of the very character of God 

When we truly believe that and sift through messages from our well focusing on those of truth and light, we begin to see our worth. We can accept and incorporate that we are special and unique. Our journey is not a destination. We are so much more that our circumstances or our worst decisions or even our accomplishments. We don't have to be fully equipped to move forward in a direction that we feel called to. The old saying that God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called is true. He is taking us on a journey of purpose. He is orchestrating connections. There is so much hope in that.

In Jeremiah 1:5, God's words were, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Just take a moment to contemplate that. The God of the universe intentionally created us. He knew what our journey would be based on what he has planned for us to do. He sets us apart for his good works. We are chosen for a divine assignment. If you can begin to echo those messages, you begin to understand how valuable and worthy you are. You can step into this journey of becoming with confidence and joy. 

Let the echoes from our well drown out the messages that hold us back, with the message of worth and  faith propelling us in this journey of becoming. 

Amen!

Filling the cracks with gold

     As I have written before, I have been anticipating a change for a couple of years now. The catalyst was turning 60. But there was a lot of internal shifting that began long before that birthday. An increasing awareness- awareness that my relationship with my kids was now different. An awareness that time is fleeting and I need to prioritize how I spend it. An awareness that my energy is not limitless and I need to preserve it. An awareness that the ups and downs and the resulting lessons and the myriad of experiences become a part of the journey not the destination. They become a part of who we are. Part of our beauty and depth. 

    Sometimes they hold us back.  The gift, though, that could comes in those experiences is wisdom and an opportunity to move towards our purpose. The opportunity to learn about ourselves and about who God is. An opportunity to honor who he created us to be on this earth- a reflection of his character, his glory in a world that so badly needs it. A holy journey of love and restoration. A spiritual journey.

    That all sounds good and rather deep. doesn't it? The truth is that the journey is hard at times. We often learn to survive but the thriving part is a bit more difficult. We try to be responsible but are challenged to feel we are firmly living life in our purpose. We may even have strong faith. But, we spend time trying to react appropriately to our circumstance behaving in a way that seems aligned with that faith. But, the quiet voices that we listen to may not be pushing us forward to see who we are and what God intended for us. Giving our life's plans over to an eternal plan. A heart response rather than a reaction to external circumstances or expectations. 

    Sometimes those quiet voices remind us of the pain we carry with us or the need to control our world. We feel "less than" or not equipped to be something different or somehow more than we are today. And sometimes, we exist in the in-between. The Spirit pulling us forward and the voice of inadequacy or fear holding us back. A lack of real acceptance that we were uniquely made and have a special place on this earth that no one else can fill. A lack of confidence that we have the strength to step forward into a new season. Or, maybe our faith is lacking a real trust. Stepping into what is unknown to look for what God has known and planned for from the very beginning.

    If I am honest, I am sitting in the "in-between". I feel God moving me forward and helping me see how seasons of my journey are being woven together for something different. Something that allows my empty spaces, my cracks, to be filled with gold for a new beauty like the Japanese repair method, Kintsugi, used for broken pottery. Kintsugi means gold seams. They use this process to take chipped parts of treasured vessels and fills them with gold. The gold bonds the pieces together. 

I am in the process of understanding the cracks and filling them with the gold that comes from understanding of truth, and love, and forgiveness. One of those cracks is that I carry with me a sense of being a nobody.  For no reason that I can explain, I remember from an early age feeling invisible. Even in high school and college while I had alot of dear wonderful friends who love me to this day, I felt the same way the whole time I was in school. I loved them and yet somehow felt hidden behind all the beauty, and fun and wonderfulness of who they were as if I were hanging on their coattails. I thought I had set that feeling aside years ago. And yet, someone's recent reaction to me or rather lack of reaction, left me feeling again invisible or lacking to this person. I did not stay there for long. I have grown somehow in these last 60 years. But, clearly there was a crack that still needed to be filled with gold. In another situation, I had lost my voice in an effort to keep peace.  I needed to acknowledge that my voice counted and express my thoughts and needs. Another crack to filled.

    Somewhere in all of this authentic exploration of the in-between, I am moving from a sense of being a nobody to somebody. Not because I am something special by the world's standards but because I am a child of God. He created me for a purpose he has set aside uniquely for me. He has walked this journey ready to fill the cracks with gold. As he does that, he is healing a broken vessel ready to hold the richness of who he is truth, love, forgiveness, and restoration.

    Please know I share my challenges and my faith journey to be an encouragement to others. I have spent a long time feeling like a nobody rather than a somebody, And really, what I have learned about myself is that I do believe that God will use my journey, my struggles, my gifts and weaknesses to be an encouragement to others who feel more like a nobody or invisible at the moment. Hurting people with cracks that can be filled with gold. The opportunity to share that you are a somebody because you belong to the One who is everything- Truth, Love and Light! There is beauty to be found in the brokenness- a cracked vessel filled with gold. That is the holiness of our journey.

And the journey continues...

There are big transitions in our life stories that are common experiences. Transitions like stages of education, marriage, parenting, empty nests, aging, and retirement. Transitions that are anticipated or chosen and often shared experiences. They may seem like something straightforward that we can prepare for and yet it never really is. We carry with us our own stories and uniqueness like individual coping skills and personality traits that shape how we view the change. Also embedded are the conflicts, trauma, loss, and struggles that are unanticipated but meet us along the way. Our journey is full of sunshine and storms, straight paths and obstacles, impacts from choices and external circumstances. There are gifts to be found through it all even the hardships. Sometimes though, we are so focused on the struggle we fail to see the gifts.

For some reason, I have felt inadequate for as long as I can remember and that has impacted my experiences and choices along the way. There have been pivotal experiences that I carry with me, My family had a series losses when I was eight. We continued forward but I remember the grief that permeated that time. I had wonderful friends in college and never expected to lose someone precious to me the year after graduation. I got married at 22 naive and expecting the fairy tale which never materialized and was replaced with hurt and divorce. My youngest children experienced serious health crises before they even made it to 1st grade. And, my oldest after a series of his own health crises at 17 is left with addiction and now recovery in the aftermath. As a parent who didn't anticipate her own struggles, I certainly didn't anticipate the level of fear and sense of inadequacy that would come from trying to protect my own babies.

There are seasons. And even within seasons, there are chapters. Chapters that sneak up on you. Circumstances you never expected. Outcomes that leave you bruised or broken. Coping skills that may have served a purpose in your early years but fail to benefit you down the road. Feelings hidden in layers of facade until you cannot hide them anymore or they make you emotionally or physically sick. Chapters characterized by the weight of our burdens. The grief that comes from missed expectations or betrayal and loss. Choosing to respond rather than react when those hard chapters come takes work.

Turning 60, I anticipated transition. I have worked to prepare for it. Yet, there are the chapters within this season that are causing me to do the really hard work. To assess what burdens and emotions I continue to carry forward. To address the feelings of inadequacy and fear that have plagued my life. The last few weeks I have felt overwhelmed by the needs that surround me. I have struggled with that. A series of conversations with family, friends and work colleagues reminded me that we all have our struggles. I was at dinner by myself at a local bistro on Friday night. It was already busy at 5:30. I watched the faces across the room. I passed a woman walking outside clearly on an intense work call. She came in a few minutes later and sat with her friends. Only to walk out two more times on a phone call. The stress showed on her face. I saw an older woman (older than me!) sitting by herself eating. She looked sad and uncomfortable. I saw the woman who runs the bar and remembered a conversation several months ago. She was a single mom and talked about the challenges of making sure her baby sitters were in place at night when she worked. I wondered how her week had been. My waitress who was outgoing responded to my comment about how busy it was so early. Her comment was how happy she was to see the customers as the night before it had been surprisingly very slow. It was hard when you could not count on steady tips. The struggles of life.

I have wrestled with how to deal with the daily struggles and the hard chapters. I was reminded of the first lesson from a book I was reading- The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. While the title may sound morbid, the book was quite uplifting and a reminder of the choices we always have even at the darkest of times. One comment was the ability to surrender control of outcomes. Surrender could have the connotation of giving up. But surrendering control of that which we do have control of nor ever will is courageous. It can be liberating and allow you to focus on intentions that matter. Free up that space that the struggle consumes to allow you to not only receive love and support from others but to give it. Control is often a protection mechanism but instead it impacts our relationships and prevents us from really living in the present. So, sometimes simply accepting our circumstances allows us to live in them. Freedom to receive the gifts still available.

It reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling with God through the night. He had lived a life of struggles.  One restless night in the desert, he was met with a stranger (God). He wrestled throughout the night demanding a blessing. He could not overcome the stranger though. Finally, God touched his hip and he could not longer wrestle. In that moment when he was left with nothing but surrender, he was ready to be blessed. I think back to other times of struggle. It was in the moments after I surrendered control when I could receive the blessings within the struggle. God told us to be still, stop struggling, and know that he is God. I can say now that while I would not have chosen the hard chapters, I have benefited from those struggles. My faith has grown. My empathy is deep. I survived hard times not on my strength alone but actually when I came to the end it- surrender.

The other gift to be grasped that is foundational to managing the hard times is to remember your value as a child of God. You were created with purpose and capacity to be love. You are worthy of love. It is not contingent on performance. Your path is about learning who you are and your relationship to the creator. Certainly we make wrong choices but we are more than our worst choice. Regret and guilt should be laid down. Others betray or hurt us; but, their behavior is not an indictment of our value. Bitterness and shame can be left behind. The great hope of the gospel is that we were loved enough that God sent his own son to take the burden of all our struggles, our choices and brokenness that comes from others. Mercy, forgiveness, grace and our value to God was on full display at the cross. It is the very place we can go to surrender the pain.

Our emotions are human. We have natural reactions but we can choose to respond differently to our struggles. We can surrender our outcomes in humility. We can know that there are gifts to be found in the hard times. Even in the loneliest of times, we can trust God has not left us. For all our pain or inadequacies, we are loved. Our burdens can be left at the foot of the cross. His power is sufficient for any circumstances we find ourselves experiencing. That is the freedom that allows us to stop struggling and accept the blessings intended. Our purpose becomes a heavenly purpose as our story unfolds and allows us to connect to others who are struggling. Strength is shared from weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

If you have a burden from which you continue to bear the weight , leave it at the foot of the cross. If you can't find a way, pray that another person will walk you there and remind you that there is freedom waiting. In weakness, there is strength to be found. And the journey continues...

The path to 60 is now the path of 60!

 Well, it has now come and gone…that dreaded birthday. The one I have been ruminating about and preparing for. Here I am 3 days into being 60. The reality is nothing really changed- sun comes up and goes down. I am still stiff in the morning but that passes quickly. I am still drinking coffee in the early hours, answering emails all day, and sweeping the days dog hair in the evenings. It is in many ways just a number as so many of my birthday notes reminded me. 

And yet for me, it is more than that. I am introspective by nature. I often write about our stories in terms of seasons. I took a walk the morning of my birthday and was reminded of how things ebb and flow. I didn’t listen to a podcast as I usually do. I wanted to be quiet and present, listening to the sounds and seeing the beauty. My neighbors have beautiful landscaped yards. As I was walking, I noticed that one house that has a whole bed in the spring filled with tulips was now cleaned up with new pine straw. The time for those tulips was gone. A few houses still had pansies which lasted a little longer this year because it hasn’t been that hot yet. But they are also on their way out. But there was new life coming. I could smell the blooming ligustrum and some honeysuckle. The day lilies were blooming every where and new begonias and impatiens had been planted. I even saw my favorite thing- a baby bunny. It was a new season and a perfect picture to me that day, that a new season was beginning. 

I heard a speaker a couple of weeks ago talking about how you encourage people in transition and change. Often we focus on the challenge or the loss or even the behavioral requirement that comes with change. With aging, this is a natural route especially for women experiencing empty nests, post menopausal weight, and increasing laugh lines. Life is changing with often a sense of loss. His rebuttal to that was that we should really start with the possibilities to come. It made me think about the myriad of verses in the Bible that touch on the topic of possibilities- like nothing is impossible or everything is possible with God. For me, (and this may be a distinction without a difference) the first version using the word impossible feels more confined to my imagination or desires. Somehow, everything is possible seems more open to the breadth of  God- things beyond my simple imagination. A sacred plan. Sacred possibilities…

I have been doing work with a personal coach in anticipation of this birthday and the days after. She reminded me that one of the gifts of our stories at this age is wisdom. I had read a book, From Strength to Strength earlier this year by a social scientist named Arthur Brooks. It touched on intelligence. In our younger days we have the ability to cultivate more facts, think flexibly and solve unique problems. It’s called fluid intelligence. But as we age and our brain evolves, our intellect develops into crystallized intelligence- simply put wisdom. From his further writings, he provides that most radical discoveries and works of art happened at early ages- 20s to early 30s. Many struggled then to find that next great discovery for the rest of their lives. But, others saw the place they could teach, encourage and provide wise counsel that brought even greater gifts and certainly renewed purpose. 

So, here I am with a lot of life experience including accomplishments, great blessings, and significant disappointments. With all of that comes wisdom. All of us have that. At some point, we have to open up to the possibilities of how God may use that in a world desperate for healing. So, as I anticipated this birthday, I began to put some words down that are my hope for the decade of the 60s. I thought I would share it as my own accountability process and maybe some twinkle of hope for someone else searching for purpose later in life.

Fundamental to my work is the knowledge that we all want to feel seen, heard, supported and valued. Secondly, I am compelled by an inner knowing, the Spirit, that my purpose is not diminishing at this stage but calling me forth to a new season of God’s possibilities.

Based on that, here are my areas of hope and focus…

Claim and pursue a deep understanding of my value and focus on the gifts and opportunities as God’s child and creation 

Build memories with my family honoring the natural evolution of those relationships

Experience laughter and love with the friendships of a lifetime 

Create beauty and peace through being present, in my surroundings, with my health and through my gifts

 And lastly, Serve my community leveraging my gifts, experiences, and passions to encourage others     bringing hope and light to those who need it.

Here in this decade of the 60s, my personal mission is to pursue my purpose and engage with those who God places in my path with love, grace, and gratitude in the hope of reflecting my faith and being a voice of encouragement so others feel seen, heard, supported and valued. I am trusting God and the words of his son… Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible but with God all things are possible.”

For any others who may be struggling with a sense of purpose. Embrace the possibilities. Trust that your experience has brought wisdom. There has been  preparation for your next season. 

God is not done with us yet. We are still on a sacred journey…

Here’s to the sixties with new anticipation!🥂

   

 

 

                

 

  

Path to 60: Following God into the unknown

 There are three messages that I often embed in my writing…

• We are created for a unique purpose…Our journeys are the process through which our purpose on this earth is fulfilled 
• Gods walks that journey in and through us. He exists within, behind, before and to the side
• Our journeys are sacred connected to God and set aside for his purposes 

The other thing embedded in all of these is how God uses our circumstances, our friends, even our bodies and that quiet voice within to strengthen us and urge us forward and teach us about ourselves and our creator. Yesterday, it was the quiet voice that began to speak to me in an unexpected way teaching me an unexpected truth. A truth about my transforming relationship with God. It happened as some simple words from Sunday’s sermon caught hold and the voice of God illuminated an insight about my relationship with God throughout my life.

As a child, I was in church all the time. I went to elementary school there, Wednesday night church and often twice on Sundays. I learned a lot about God. I was taught the stories of the Bible. Seeds were planted and I believed. I always have. At least as a child and through my young adult years, I understood at a very basic level the breadth of God. The holiness of who he is and the gift found in the cross. He felt big, merciful  and honestly distant and separate. What I didn’t grasp was that he wanted a personal relationship with me or even the breadth of his love for me, the individual. And yet, I knew my faith was sacred. I knew the character of God from behind at his roots with humankind. I learned about him from the history we have documented through the stories of the Bible. Looking backwards was the genesis of my faith. Those years were sacred. 

As an adult, I followed the plan. I finished college, got married, started working, and began a family. I followed the natural steps at least as I believed was the normal expectation. And then life threw some warning signs and on same days and even seasons real roadblocks came hard. I had time on the mountaintop, things to celebrate, blessings and gifts. But I also faced much to my surprise deep disappointments and pain from broken relationships, a sense of inadequacy to care for my children and fear for our well-being as our family fractured. So, those seeds planted in my early years began to sprout. I had to be brought to the end of my abilities, my strength, my sense of worth before I had no place but to turn to God. It was at those times, I learned reliance. I sought comfort. I began to understand that not only was he present in the heights, the very places I learned gratitude and experienced feelings of happiness and

of deep joy. But he was also in the depths of despair. There, I experienced his unconditional love. I was now engaged in a personal relationship with God and could see his grace shed on me. I looked to my side and grabbed hold of the relationship. He became close and real in the seasons of life- the complicated and simple, the dark and the light, and the tears and laughter. It was with him, I learned to navigate all of those.

Here I am approaching 60. It’s not so much the number but a time of shifts- shifting relationships and priorities. Everywhere I look, it seems there is change on the horizon. The change isn’t fully clear. And so, I am looking within. Listening to the Spirit as I feel the urge to move forward. Unmet dreams have resurfaced. A desire to not react to life but proactively pursue my purpose. I am paying attention to my body’s response. I am learning to be still and allow the Spirit to speak to me. I’ve come to understand that I have lived a lifetime in fight or flight. Reacting to the world’s plan, others’ choices, and a life of responsibilities. And, my body is saying enough. And yet the future seems unclear, unknown in many ways.

So, yesterday some simple words about people following Jesus into Palm Sunday stirred me. They knew he was special. He was a healer. Some even thought he was the Messiah. While he came in on a donkey, it wasn’t the triumphal entry of a king taking his rightful place would make, they followed. They had no idea the sacrifice and the gift of forgiveness that was to come. The glory to be revealed was not understood. And yet, they followed Jesus into the unknown. The eyes of Jesus were also on God’s plan. He understood the sacrifice and yet he followed. There is such hope in that. The act of following rooted in trust that something quite special and life changing was on the horizon. I thought to myself here I am at a season where I am being called forward. Why would I not simply follow? It is still easier said than done. The unknown feels risky. But everything that God has taught me says he is worthy to be trusted. 

Yes, I can look back and understand his character. I could look to the side and see his presence. And I can look within and hear his voice calling me to follow. He is leading me into my future, the continued steps in the evolution of my purpose. So, if I believe what I say I believe- that we are created uniquely for a purpose set aside by God and that he has walked the path with me always sustaining and preparing me for that very purpose, what is keeping me from following him into the unknown? I am not sure I can answer but to say that I believe God is now teaching me to follow his lead. In the past, he has allowed some doors to be closed, blessed my choices in many ways and sustained me as I worked to sustain others. He stayed by my side. Just maybe, now he is saying just keep your eyes on me and follow. I have new things for which you have been set aside to do. That is real trust and faith lived out.

There is beauty to be found in the unknown. The sacred journey continues…

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The Path to 60: What internal soundtracks are playing?

It’s hard to believe it’s been two months since the last post and now two months closer to this next big birthday. A birthday symbolic of entering a new season, certainly a new decade. The truth is I entered this new season well before this birthday will come. I have lived in anticipation or perhaps dread for awhile. You see, the changes have been underway for some time. Children building independent lives. Loved ones experiencing health challenges. My own loss of confidence in my physical appearance or sense of physical strength. Even my sense of purpose has felt diminished and unclear. 

The narrative playing in my head was driven out of a sense of loss and a lack of clarity. I began to wrestle with fear. Those messages began to replay over and over. I heard author, Jon Acuff, speak recently about “broken soundtracks”. He was actually talking about teenagers and negative self-talk. His advice to confront these negative messages was to ask the following questions:

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

I have read similar approaches to evaluating how we talk to one another. I have even challenged myself before on the the truth of my own narrative. Maybe even asked myself if certain self-talk was helpful or rather was it creating fear or distraction. But I don’t think I have been asking myself if I am treating myself kindly through my own self narrative. Maybe it’s being a mother or father, a wife or husband or even a boss. We have spent so much time encouraging others through change, we haven’t focused on the same for ourselves. 

So, here I am in the midst of change, approaching a new season- shifting roles, physical aging, redefining my purpose. And in order to combat my own subtle messaging focused on loss or fear, I have to remind myself of what I truly believe. I believe that life is sacred. Our journeys are sacred also. I believe we are creations of God with a purpose here in this world. That alone is the basis of our worth. Lastly, I believe we are both loved and loveable. 

And yet, sometimes my inner dialogue doesn’t reinforce those beliefs. Fear sneaks in and those messages undermine my fundamental beliefs. That self-imposed deception casts a shadow that can hide the hope that exists in the opportunity a new season brings. We don’t focus on the gift of time to explore who we are as God’s creation and the depth of God’s love found in pursuit of our purpose here on earth. We may not recognize the impact that can be created through our lives found in the wisdom gained and the knowledge of God’s character experienced through our journey. It is why each season is sacred. It is why we need to replace those “broken soundtracks”. 

I have been working with a personal coach on a project that I would like to take on. At some point early in that conversation, I questioned whether I had anything to contribute of value to others. She said simply, “you have your wisdom”. A lifetime of experiences creates insight and empathy. Wisdom to be shared. Since that time, what my narrative has switched to is what I have to give which is my energy, my time, and my wisdom found through experiences. So, when negative thoughts rise to the surface and especially to those of us approaching a new season, a big birthday, ask yourself is it true? Does it reflect what you believe? Are you so caught in the loss of one role, that you cannot see the opportunities that can be found in a new or evolving role. Is it helpful? Does it hold you back or propel you forward towards your purpose in this season. Finally, is it kind? Do you treat yourself with grace and love? Do you reinforce your worth through the quiet messages you tell yourself? 

Yes, our lives are changing. We will experience some loss and maybe even grief. And yet, I believe with all my heart that God is calling us forward. He is calling us towards our purpose which is a journey not a destination. Our purpose doesn’t slam shut at 60. Our depth becomes our compelling beauty. The internal beauty can outshine the external changes.  And as long as we still have breath, we are still on that journey. We have precious time, energy and wisdom to contribute. There will be opportunities to be blessed and to bless. Through thoughtful evaluation, prayers, or meditation, we can recognize those broken soundtracks and replace them with messages of love, worth, faith and hope. We can grow forward. We evolve our purpose and still have valuable impact in the lives around us. That is not contingent on any one role other than perhaps being a child of God. And, we can experience God more fully and live our lives reflecting that back to those who surround us. 

We are on a sacred journey… So, let our soundtracks reflect that!

Path to 60- wow!!

8 years ago I started this blog to reflect on my journey as a mom with a child struggling from addiction. Over the course of a year, I wrote weekly and ran over a 1000 miles. I shared my thoughts about my steps forward. Well sometimes, the steps were side ways, backwards or holding in place as I attempted to accept the both-and of life. Being authentic about the struggle but open to the gifts that also come in the struggle. It  was a year of great growth and faith and healing. It was sacred. 

Our stories are scared. They teach us, evolve us and connect us! 

Life continues. My children grew up. Finally, a little patch of grey hair began to show. Clerks started ask me (quite rudely!) if I qualified for the senior discount. I began to hear responses at work that suggested I was not the future. My career runway had dimmed. For that matter, my hearing has dimmed too! I can sing all the lyrics to “The Night Chicago Died” from 1974 but somehow I can’t remember what I served for dinner 2 days ago. I still do 5 mile walks but I am mighty stiff when I wake up in the morning. The worst is I see a different person in the mirror than I see a photograph. Time has moved on. A new season is underway.

During Covid this feeling of being in transition was deep and unnerving. My roles were changing. My nest was empty. For awhile my future looked like something that was more about getting smaller. It was setting dreams aside. There were feelings of regret. But mostly fear and lack of purpose and value. I was no longer that sweet natured, cute Chi Omega with good grades who had the world ahead of her. I was scared and sad. My journey lost direction. 

Over the past few months, I have been searching for ways to see the light of opportunity that a new season brings. I really believe that God still has a purpose and all the experiences and relationships to this point have made me who I am today in preparation for who he intends me to be tomorrow. In my first post on this blog, I wrote the following…”Learning each day is a new day and a new chance to address obstacles differently and to persevere through mental, spiritual and physical challenges. A new chance to reframe my thinking adding to that a new chance to reframe my life.” That is exactly what I am trying to do. 

Here I am months before I turn 60. I actually can’t fathom that it could be true but my birth certificate says so! Two of my closest friends celebrated their 60th this fall. The High School class of ‘81 has officially started the 60th birthday gauntlet. That just puts a fine point to this sense of transition. Two college friends passed away this summer. Time is precious. I really do want to push through this transition and pursue the decade of 60s as a time full of purpose, growth and laughter. I want to make a difference in this life. I want to spend time with people I love. I want to laugh and dance and travel and write. I want to hold with reverence the journey that God has led me on and gratitude for the people he placed in my life. I want to be an encourager and share whatever wisdom I have gained along the way. And I want to lay down the burdens of fear that I have carried along the way and replace that with peace and faith. I want to do it all with grace, authenticity and humor. Time is precious and I want to live life fully and present.

Have you felt that in some way too? Would you join me as I process this path to 60? I am going to write from time to time. I will share my journey. I have already started a list of words to explore- acceptance, boundaries, dreams, possibilities. It’s a new chapter underway. The story is still sacred. So together, let’s learn, evolve and connect in the pursuit of God’s ultimate purpose for each of us. Time is precious. People are precious.  Our stories are precious. A sacred journey…

Two Become One

 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one.” Genesis 2:24

On Saturday, almost a year exactly to the date they got engaged, my precious son, Tyler, vowed to become one with the love of his life, Caroline. It was a joyous and magical weekend. We have loved Caroline since the very beginning. She is an answer to my prayers for My son. They were a picture of joy and happiness. They were both surrounded in love and a visual expression of love. 

But now, vows have been said, rings exchanged, dancing has finished, friends and family have gone home and my children have set out on their new journey as husband and wife. Two families have a new connection and two precious people have become one in the eyes of God. And in a new way, my role as a mother changes. My heart opens up to a new daughter but my support role as a mom does begin to look different. They become the circle of love to each other. I now sit close but on the outside ready to support, encourage and reinforce their spirit bond. I didn’t think much about that as we prepared.

Now, I expected the need to rest after the wedding festivities. I even kept my beach rental for another week for that very reason. We had been working on this weekend on and off for a year. It never occurred to me that I might feel so emotional days afterwards. This was my first child to marry. But, I really didn’t expect to be flooded by emotion two and three days later. Everyone had left to go home. So, I got up early to the walk the beach that I love.  Here I was by myself, left with my own thoughts.

As I watched the waves roll in and out, I suddenly was overcome with emotion. Tears really caught me off guard. I felt both gratitude and yet this sense of letting go. I spent the better part of the year planning with them. It was perfect and now it’s over. Maybe it’s like the feeling after all the presents are open on Christmas Day. The let down that comes after the build-up. Or maybe and more likely, it’s just the change. The change in relationships, the change in focus, the change in life. 

Yes, life is full of changes. It is a journey that God lives in and through us. I am so happy that Tyler and Caroline found each other. And even happier that they had found their faith long before. They enter this journey with a strong foundation. That gives me peace and joy. It is like the picture of the ocean. Life’s waves come in and out and swirl at our feet. Sometimes it’s gentle and relaxing and sometimes with a force that can make us a bit unsteady. But at the horizon, you see calm. That is what faith brings. They have that horizon- their foundation.

So, as life’s waves roll out, more come in. What does God have in store not only for them but for this mother? Those are my thoughts starting first with gratitude about what was and is; and, then with anticipation of what will be. 

Sitting by myself at the water’s edge, I wipe my tears.  I slow my breathing, close me eyes, listen to the sounds of the ocean and pray. Not so much with words but more of an attitude of oneness. Worship, really. You see as the emotion subsided, it was replaced with calm.

 I was reminded that while marriage is a symbol of oneness, faith starts with first becoming individually one with the Spirit of God. That’s my spiritual horizon. My center of calm and peace. This was already a season of transition for me. This wedding was another reminder that our stories continue. They ebb and they flow. There is beauty to be found in memories of the past and certainly in anticipation of the future. But in the present, as a child of God, we are never alone. God’s gifts may be understood through the past; but, they are experienced in the present. 

 In faith, two become one. When waves roll in and out, just look to the horizon. There you will find peace, love and gratitude for all that life brings. You are reminded that God moves in and through you. Your story is revealed and is sacred. 

The waves become the rhythm that reminds us of that very thing. We are a part of a much bigger story. It is told in both the waves and the horizon. They are a part of the same creation. God’s creation. Two become one…

For that I am grateful. 

Sacred Journey: Season of Despair

 The last time I shared on this blog was right after Christmas, Dec 27th. Embedded in the first paragraph of that post were the following comments…

   “Our journeys belong to the Divine. Our stories are about uncovering who we were created to be- our purpose on this earth.”

I believe with all my heart that our journeys and therefore our stories are sacred. I recently posted on Facebook, that being sacred or holy is about being connected or consecrated to God. So no matter the circumstance, God’s Spirit is within and around, behind in our past and ahead in our future. We walk the path together. It’s all sacred…

Even when it doesn’t feel sacred. Even when it’s messy, confusing, painful, or simply a time of silence or isolation. God is both present and providing what we need when we need it.. In the post of December 27th, I alluded to what a challenging year it had been. I didn’t share all that I had been feeling. The fall of 2019, I was dealing with the inner turmoil that can come when one season is closing and a new one beginning but still unclear. The truth is I was saying goodbye to roles that had been core to my identity and purpose. What now was my purpose to be at 56? The world expects you life to shrink with age. I wasn’t ready for that. I knew that there new possibilities to be discovered. While I began to explore some things, I was also dealing with the burden that comes from areas and people in my life that needed healing. Years of prayer had not changed those circumstances. Then Covid…

Honestly, I didn’t do well with the isolation. I missed people, smiles, hugs, serving. My life was work upstairs in a bedroom that often started at 7am and finished at 10pm. My husband saw the toll it was taking. While everyone else was trying new things like cooking or reading or exercising, I was withdrawing. I wasn’t writing or reading which I love to do. I wasn’t exercising which I desperately needed to do. When I wasn’t working or doing household things, I sat in front of the TV to escape the loneliness and despair. It was numbing. I was just surviving the day. My faith was strong and yet God seemed very far away. I began to think about how I wished God would just call me home. Not in a suicidal way but in despair. I was weary and lonely. The spark was gone that comes from hope and passion. I felt like I was wandering in the desert, lost without a sense of direction. 

While God seemed far away, He was always right there. But, He let me wander for a while. He let me spend time in despair. Then little by little, he moved me. It was like little by little after a dark night, the early shadows of light come before the sunrise. I actually began to share that sense of wanting to go to Heaven with others. I knew it was not coming from the hope of our faith but rather the hopelessness of despair. Putting voice to it took some of the weight from it. Then, I got to spend time with friends at our High school reunion. Being with people you love and the laughter is healing. I started walking again and listening to podcasts. I reached out to my network. Little by little the despair has lessened. More light was invading the darkness. Maybe even some of the colors of the sunset began to show. 

Even still, the spark that I mentioned earlier was not there. I was still wandering the desert looking for clarity about my purpose, next season, joy… I somehow knew God had allowed this for my benefit. I knew there was something I was supposed to be learning during this season. But what? And then, in a simple set of texts, someone I grew up with joked about being almost 60. Two days later I woke up in what I guess was a panic attack with those words echoing in my mind. Time was precious and it was fleeting. I needed to move forward. I wanted to live a life of purpose and passion. I need to be doing things that have meaning.

 Then, last weekend I ran across a podcast and a book by Paula Faris. It was about faith and vocational calling. It resonated with me. I read the book and listened to 20 of her podcasts over the 4 days. As I walked on Sunday, I was listening to one of her podcasts which was an interview with Jenna Bush Hager. In the middle of that discussion, Jenna was talking about Covid and how our lives slowed down. She said, “it was a good thing, because slowing down gave us a chance to understand what actually filled us up.”I stopped in the middle of the street and rewound it and listened again. Being stripped down allows the chance to see what is important to you uniquely. That’s it!

 Suddenly, it all made sense to me. Peace came over me there on the streets of my neighborhood. I know exactly what fills me up. I have clarity on that.  The void gave me a chance to understand the importance of how he created me. The gifts and passions that he instilled in me at creation are core to who I am and my purpose. The despair was a chance to ultimately validate what is uniquely me. Understanding our faith calling ultimately informs how we invest our time and energy. God never left me. He used the slowing down of life to strip away the noise that comes from busyness. Now, I can focus with clarity. Connected to God and consecrated to his purpose. Holy and sacred even in times of despair.

I encourage you to read that Dec 27th blog. Just as my journey is sacred so is yours. God never leaves us. He knows the journey, our struggles, and is in the business of redeeming  what was ordained from the very beginning,

Psalm 139:16 “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Even seasons of despair. 

Our sacred journey home

It's two days after Christmas and I just said goodbye to the last child today heading back to their home. There's a sense of the journey its taken this year just to get to Christmas. Adjustments. Sadness. Isolation. And yet, Provision and blessings fill in between the lines of struggle. Over the years, I have written about my journey- the good and the bad, the gifts and the heartaches. I have held, sometimes clung, to the belief that our journeys are sacred no matter how we may feel, choices that we make or circumstances that we endure. Our journeys belong to the Divine. Our stories are about uncovering who we were created to be- our purpose on this earth. That process is sacred and leads us home. 

 As the quiet set in today, the contemplative process also began in anticipation of the New Year. What did I accomplish over the year? How did I love others or express gratitude? What did I learn that I can carry with me into the New Year? What are my hopes and dreams? How can I cling to the understanding of the sacredness of the journey despite the circumstances? 

 I think about the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years waiting to arrive in the Promised Land, home. It was a long journey full of miracles and hardships, wandering and battles, the awe of faith and the searching found in doubt. It was in God's timing and it was a sacred journey. God delivered on his promise but not without struggles. He used hardships to show his character and cultivate trust. By teaching the Israelites who he was, they could learn who he created them to be. Just like the Israelites, God does the same for us on our journeys. The wandering and mistakes really teach us reliance and grace. The times of want help us recognize and appreciate times of plenty. When we come to the end of ourselves, it allows us to be filled and to feel the power of the one who created us. The power of the Divine fills the weak. Each circumstance and lesson is a sacred part of the journey to home, the Promise Land. 

 I drove last weekend for a quick holiday visit with my parents. They live in a small town in Virginia. I lived there for a couple of years as a young child but have spent a lifetime of visits there. The house that was in my family for decades may belong to someone else now but it represents so many memories. Memories of my grandmother calling cows and buying us penny candy from the general store, ice skating on a frozen pond after a big snow storm, the birth of my brother, a summer trip in High School when I needed respite, saying a final goodbye to my aunt on her last night on earth and burying my grandmother. I can still walk in a store and see someone from my childhood. It is where my parents retired. And, it is a part of me. 

 I feel that familiarity every time I travel the roads to my new home which is really in the country. I see the farmers working the cattle and their fields. I love seeing riding lessons being given at the stable down the road. It touches me to see people care even for the smallest creatures like stopping on a country road to move a turtle to the other side so it didn't get hit. A community where small beautiful neighborhoods exist next to working farms and old churches. It is familiar to me because of my life experiences. It feels like home. And yet, not quite. But, a sense of community, hard work and beauty in the land is like a glimpse of heaven. It is because I take with me all my experiences on my journey. God intended them for me as he leads me into my purpose and towards home. My sacred journey. 

2020 has been challenging for me. There have been so many adjustments and isolation. And in many ways, it has felt like life was put on hold. It has been kind of like wandering the desert. I know for others, this year has come with great loss. While many losses can seem and feel so senseless, I find hope in the belief that there is always a glimmer of blessing that can come even at the darkest of times. There is more to our story than the worst choice, the biggest accomplishment, the greatest loss or the most amazing miracle. God still has plans for you and me- plans to give us a hope and a future. Sometimes those plans feel hard. Sometimes they feel like wandering in a desert. 

And yet, just like the Israelites, we are learning about the Divine and who we were created to be. The gifts and the struggles, the heartaches and the joy, and times of faith and doubt are all are a part of our sacred journey. We are all just working our way towards home. The more we take in the sacredness of the journey, the more we experience the Divine, the closer we feel to our real home. A glimpse of heaven come down to earth. 

 I hope you had a Merry Christmas and experience the sacredness of your journey in the New Year! 

 Much love, Sallie

What’s love got to do with it?

It’s Valentine’s Day...

I woke up feeling bad because I ordered a gift for the girls. It came later than expected so I didn’t get it in the mail in time. So, it will be late. Managing the boys as well and wishing I had gotten cards out to others. Feeling like a failure.

Expectations... Surely my family knows they are loved. But somehow missing expectations might just create a little wound. A sense of being forgotten. Then the mom guilt kicks in.

It’s now 3:30 pm and I still have some house cleaning to do. That’s how I spend my day off. We are having a nice dinner at home. In fact my husband is actually cooking dinner. But somehow I feel that if the house is a little cleaner, the dinner will somehow be more special. My expectations.

I just heard that over 27 billion dollars is spent for Valentines. Over-priced flowers, expensive dinners, gifts just weeks after Christmas, chocolates, cards, etc. It all adds up. And based on the line at Target this morning, I’m not surprised. Commercialization raises expectations.


Commercials in fact suggest that it should be a romantic evening. Tired mothers trying to gear up on a Friday night. Clueless or stressed husbands trying hard to show love. So much pressure to create a romantic expression of love on this day. Who set that expectation up?

Does this day not count for those who don’t have significant others? Those who don’t have children? What about those who can’t afford all that the world seems to say is required? Again, who set those expectations and how are we showing love to those who feel unloved?

Celebrating our relationships is important. It’s great to set time aside or give gifts. But shouldn’t it be a little more organic than just meeting expectations?

Love is the heartbeat of the world. Love is action-oriented. It is the human expression of the Divine. It connects us. And it is not just intended for those for whom we feel love. Our family. Our friends. It is more than the gifts. It is kindness. It is forgiveness. It is connecting with those who are different than us. It is reaching out to those who struggle. It is letting the lonely know they are not forgotten. It is a hug to those who are hurting. It is stepping into the loss and grief. It is restorative. It is healing. And, it is how God makes his presence known in and through us.

So, maybe on this Valentines Day, we can take a minute to think through how we can be an expression of love differently this year. How can we be the light that brings love to a hurting world. How can we create the powerful ripple that a loving expression can bring to a world in need of powerful healing.

God is love. And, we were created to hold the Spirit of God. So, be love. Not because it’s an expectation; but, because it is who we were created to be.

That’s what love has got to do with it!

Happy Valentines Day. Look for opportunities to make every day an expression of love.

A new year: releasing the burden

Here we are on the cusp of a new year, a new decade. Time to set a new focus. A new opportunity to grow. A time of hope and renewal. And yet, there is always this period of time between Christmas and New Years that I feel a little lost. Maybe it’s sadness. Some overwhelming sense of loss of time or even a little regret. This year has been no different.

I know God made me a person of words. Those words start as an unending stream of thoughts which lead to a myriad of feelings. Those personality tests focused on strengths reinforce that I am a collector of ideas but then need to weave those thoughts into a deeper understanding, a vision or strategy. I have to connect the ideas to something meaningful. That meaning connects to my faith, how I live my life and how I engage with those in my life. And so I write. I share my journey, what I am learning, in case it is helpful to others on their journey. And probably more importantly, I share because I have come to know that God is leading me on a journey to learn to trust him, to know him, and reflect his character back to those in my life.

Last year, I wrote a post about my focus for 2019. My goal was to be intentional about a change in perspective through:
* Being present to what God is doing in my life
* Accepting the peace found through the Spirit
* Claiming the power of God
* Pursuing God’s purpose for my life

The truth is I will carry those same areas of focus into 2020. I am not done with them and probably will never be. I had a lot to be thankful for over the last year. I spent special time with family and friends. I focused on my health. I learned from people in my community. I wrote. And I have reached out to support others in their journeys through coaching and a new Facebook group page for women. I am pursuing a new purpose in this season of life. I have seen God move this year in my life and the lives of others.

But even with all that I have to be grateful for, I have struggled to find words to describe how I want to pursue hope and joy in the coming year. Tonight though, I believe God is taking me further on a journey of growth and preparation. Some divine interactions- a radio program, an emotional personal exchange, some wise advice, and a book are catalysts for a new perspective. I began to connect the dots. To see meaning in those thoughts.

You see there is one place that I have failed to truly trust God. One place where my beliefs were being spoken but not being lived out. One place where I more often lived in fear rather than trust. A place like that for all of us is a place of burden and weariness. It is a place of heart brokenness and can cloud our hope. A place that we never feel like we are quite enough and yet we often cling to our supposed control. We strive to handle and refuse to relinquish the outcome. Or, at least that is my story. And I guess, God felt it was time for a little remedial training.

The reason I couldn’t find the words for my hope in 2020 was the burden I am carrying. Burdens come in a variety of forms. For me it is fear for my children. It has been my inability to release ones I love to God fully. I have continued to try to respond to them in the “right” way lecturing at times rather than voicing love and encouragement. And sometimes, if I am really honest, I have felt resentment or anger for the heartache that I am experiencing in response to their life struggles. That in and of itself is a burden.

What I believe is that the hills and valleys, the joys and tears, and the desert times are all sacred journeys between us and God. It is a sacred unveiling of God’s character, of how he created us and our purpose in this world. It is hard to pursue growth and experience hope when carrying burdens we were never meant to carry.

For me, it’s about releasing my loved ones to God. Honoring their sacred journey with God. I can’t lead that journey but I can enter into it through prayer. I need to find a way to love them and let God assume the burden of the pain and struggles. He has promised them plans to prosper and give hope and a future. He is the one revealing himself and guiding them along the journey. It is his role not mine.

He has also promised that when we are burdened and weary, he will give us rest. His yoke is easy and his burden light. In that, his Spirit offers freedom. And in that freedom, we are open to pursue who God is and what he has called us to do. Releasing the burden is the change in perspective that I want to pursue. I know that hope will be found in the freedom that comes from that. So, that is my vision for 2020.

If you are burdened by something, I hope that you find some encouragement in this to trade that burden for freedom. I wish you peace and joy and purpose in the coming year. With God all things are possible. Let’s live in that promise daily!

I am the woman at the well

I am sure some of you who know the story and clicked on this thinking, ”I had no idea that Sallie was divorced multiple times.” Yes, I have been divorced once but let me share just why I feel so personally connected to this story and specifically this woman. The Samaritan woman is carrying pots to get water from the well. The thing that makes her trip unusual and gives us some insight into her life is that she was carrying her heavy pots in the heat of the day. The custom of the times would have been for women to gather water either in the cool of the morning or the evening. Practically, it was a better time to do such hard work but was also time to gather together. Time to talk and laugh. But you see, this woman was an outcast. We find out later in the story that she was divorced 5 times and now living with a man. In those days, divorce was only initiated by men and was a public statement that this woman was unclean, unlovable, or lacking somehow as a wife. In that culture, the burden of the shame from not just one divorce but 5 is almost hard to imagine. If we are honest, we would still judge a woman harshly today who was divorced 5 times. This was also time when a woman would suffer greatly on her own. She would be fearful of starvation. Her life must have been full of heartache and desperation. The weight of that would be far heavier than carrying filled pots in the heat of the day.

Her situation touches me. Yes, I went through a difficult divorce. I felt ashamed and scared. But even before that, I carried the weight of feeling “not enough”, unloveable, unseen. I remember joking with my Mom when she had to introduce me to someone at church after we had been sitting on the front row of Sunday service my whole life. I played on the quote about Helen of Troy. I said to her, “I guess I’m the face that 1000 people forgot.” I often felt invisible. I can’t explain why I felt that way. I could not have had parents who expressed their love for me any more than mine did. I just think we are all left with a hole that is only truly filled when we understand what it means to be a child of God.

In this story. I can go there in my mind and walk alongside this woman and feel her pain. I don’t have to walk a hot path to get water to understand how she might have felt. I dealt with pain in the quiet away from others. I would get in the privacy of my car and just drive and cry. I did that from the time I could drive at 16 into adulthood. I didn’t feel that I was enough. I felt alone and yet, I needed to hide that behind a facade of strength. Because I believed that I was not loveable, I know what it was like to avoid people or events. Certainly when I was separated or after the divorce. I hid both a lot of that feeling and from people. I tried to avoid gatherings. When my son’s struggles with addiction first came to light, I felt such fear and grief. I questioned my own parenting. I feared others’ judgement both for me and for my son. I know it was there. I avoided conversations about what the kids were up to. I kept it secret for a long time. But, I also know God was there walking that path with me. He was teaching me who he was and he used others to love me and walk alongside after I began to let the facade down.

You see I am the Woman at the Well. I have walked the path of struggle. I have tried to hide my brokenness or avoid judgement. I have suffered consequences of my own choices, been wounded by the choices of others and experienced the challenges that come with life this side of heaven. And just like that woman, I have been met by the God of Love. This story doesn’t end with the burden of the journey. Jews generally avoided Samaria. Jesus was going back to Galilea. In John it said, “he had to go through Samaria.” He was compelled. He had a divine appointment. As this woman approached, he engaged in conversation calling forth the reality of her situation- her divorces and also, her desire to be filled with life. For me, I hear him say in all that- I know you, I see you and I love you. He went on to reveal his true identity as the Messiah. For the first time, He publicly identies himself as the Christ. Imagine- he went there to touch her heart, reveal himself, show love and grace to this broken woman, a Samaritan outcast.

That so touches me. I know he is the Messiah. I accepted that as child. But, he keeps meeting me at the well, calling me further into relationship by revealing the depth of who he is. He sees me- wounds, burdens, and fears. He reminds me that “ It is I”. He loves me. I am his child just like this Samaritan woman.

The story is not over yet. As the disciples arrived, she left her jars and raced back to the very ones who shunned her, the place of her woundedness. She shared with the those who hurt her the news of Christ. That is a miracle in and of itself. But the miracle got bigger, the people of her community listened to her and ran to meet Jesus. They believed. God used the outcast to bring others into relationship with the God of Love. That is so remarkable. And, that is such hope to me.

People have often asked me what has driven me to be so open about my challenges, my weaknesses, my hurt. The truth is I am the Woman at the Well. I have suffered at times and have carried quite a burden. The facade that I designed might have been the biggest burden of all. Through my pain, God has met me right there. He has sent people to walk that path with me. He has opened my heart to others’ struggles. My hope is that he’ll use me like he did her. Just maybe, being open about my struggles will remind people that he is waiting at the well. The truth is he walks the path with us. I know there are probably those who question why I do this or even judge me for what I share. That is ok. At the end of the day, if there is one person hurting in the quiet of the car, behind a closed door, or on a lonely journey, it’s worth it to me. I want to grow into the person that doesn’t shy away from a woman with 5 divorces but engages in relationship. I want to be the person who doesn’t judge but reflects grace. I want to be the person who sees those who feel unseen and engages in kindness. I’ve been there on both sides. I felt it all. The judge and judged. The unloved and the loved. The unseen and the seen. And, I’ve been met at the wall.

So yes, I am the Woman at the Well. If you identify with the pain of walking your journey alone burdened under the weight of shame or fear, there are those of us who know that pain and can walk with you. We have been met at the well with love and grace. We are learning the freedom that comes from that. We can help carry the burden or lead you to the place where you can just leave it at the well. God uses the broken, the hurting, the outcasts to bring others into his love and the freedom that comes from that. No matter the past chapters, your story can be just as remarkable as hers.

You can be the Woman at the Well too!

(If you are unfamiliar with this story, it can be found in John, Chapter 4.)

The year I ran a 1000 miles

This blog was started about 5 years ago when I was in crisis and at a personal crossroads. My son was struggling with addiction. I had been taken to my knees with the realization that I could not control or cure it or protect him from this disease. He had his own battle to fight. I had to let him fight that battle along with God. I could love and encourage but I could not do the work on his behalf. The other realization was that I had been so committed to survival- his and mine- that I had lost sight of my purpose. So, with the help of a counselor, we started to peel back the protective layers that had come from years of survival, fear, and the need to control. He asked me what my dreams were. At first, I couldn’t even vocalize it. Finally, one afternoon, I quietly said that I wanted to write. The problem was I had nothing to write about. I remember he looked at me with wide eyes and repeated my words back to me- you have nothing to write about? As we talked, he reminded me that I had a story to tell- my own story. A sacred story.

At that point, God went to work on me. I was scared to open up to what I needed. But somehow, God stirred in me a willingness to step out in faith pursuing him and who he created me to be. I decided that I would commit to running a 1000 miles in a year to honor my son’s journey towards recovery. It was a goal that was challenging as I was not really a runner. I knew it would require perseverance and commitment and it did. I fully expected that there would be days that I wanted to quit and they came. The running not only symbolized my son’s journey but it honored mine as well. My other part of this commitment was to write about my experiences, challenges, blessings and what I was learning over the course of that year. I wanted to honor what God was doing in my life as well. And so, I ran and wrote. I ran over 1100 miles across 5 countries. But more importantly, I shared my heart including my struggles and the gifts of insight that God illuminated along the way. It changed me. It connected me to others. It taught me so much. And, it was truly sacred.

5 years later, I sit at another crossroad. We have new personal challenges to navigate. The makeup of our family is shifting. My career is narrowing. I am quite conscious of time. Again, I feel compelled to pursue what God has in store for me next. And, at the same time, it scares me. What if my desires are selfish? What if I pursue something new and fail? What if I’m too old and my time has passed to pursue new dreams? And finally, what will others think of me? A few days ago as I was driving by myself lost in the turmoil of these thoughts, the words that came to me were- “the year I ran a 1000 miles”. Sometimes that’s how a writing topic comes to me. A phrase will come to mind. I know it means something and I wait. This time, it was meant to be more than a title of a post. It was a reminder of what God taught me the year I ran a 1000 miles. It is like the Israelites who forgot their rescue from Egypt or the parting of the Red Sea. I have been at a crossroad before. A different complement of circumstances but a crossroads of letting go and stepping out in faith nonetheless.

So, my goal is to read all the posts from that year again to remind myself what I learned along the way. A few big lessons immediately come to mind that I thought I'd share in case it’s helpful to you in your journey.

1. Sacrificial love is not meant to exclude your pursuit of who God created you to be.

He equipped you for a purpose. If you put that pursuit aside to live your life solely for others, you risk moving from a place of healthy love for others to a place of martyrdom. That can actually result in manipulating the situation in order to fill one’s own need rather than really support the other person. This was a hard realization for me. It was and still is difficult to let my son engage in his own struggles with God and move forward with my life. It was hard to accept that my love might actually be harmful to him while meeting my own desperate need to save him. But I learned that God has a plan to both show love to us and use each of us as a unique expression of grace in this world. It is actually in our circumstances that we experience the gift of grace. Focusing on awareness of what we learn then leads us to greater awareness of who God is in our lives. And it gave me a new way to express love not only to my son but others in my life including a whole new group of friends.

2. It’s ok to be vulnerable.

Certainly use wisdom here. But, I learned that it is a heavy burden to present an image that says, “I have it altogether”. The facade can actually isolate you from others or leave you in a very lonely place. Admitting to struggles, opens you up to receive love. God loves and supports us through others. His love is intended to connect us. Just as it opens us up to receive love, it connects us to others’ challenges. They see your vulnerability and suddenly they feel understood, less lonely. That connection allows you to share that love right back. I cannot tell you how many friends I have now who felt supported by my willingness to write about our struggles with addiction. They are the very people I feel able to reach out to now when I need to support.

3. Being present each day to the journey.

During that year of blogging, there was loss and grief, blessings and fun, obstacles and accomplishments. But running and blogging, kept me present to what God was doing in my life. I wasn’t on auto-pilot or in denial about my circumstances. I wasn’t overcome by loneliness or fear although I certainly felt it. I was being reconnected to my personal relationship with God. My pain was being healed. I was being restored. I was learning about who God was in my life and therefore who I am in him. I came to appreciate my story as a sacred story of God in the life of Sallie. I also came to understand the privilege of walking alongside others in their struggles and the gift of being God’s hands and feet to a hurting world.

Here I am at a crossroads again. This time I can remember what God taught me the year I ran a 1000 miles as He opens my eyes to where he leads me in this next season. I can move beyond fear and honor the journey. You see fear is just the catalyst to building faith. Faith allows me to be open to new opportunities. Those opportunities are the window to my purpose here on this earth. We are never too old to pursue our purpose. It really doesn’t matter what others think. God can make the impossible, possible!

If you are at a crossroads and need someone to walk alongside, first acknowledge that God is right there with you.

You have a story to tell. You have your own year of a 1000 miles so be present to it.

You have your own purpose. Seek it. Share it. Experience it.

Just like mine, your journey is a sacred journey.

Let me end by saying how grateful I am to those who encourage me, who read my writing, who pray my family, laugh with me and love me. You are the gift in my journey and expression of God’s love for me!

Kaleidoscope Moments

In the last eight days, I have had two daughters graduate, Mothers Day, and a birthday. And, in between those occasions, I went to a concert outing with music from my youth. As a woman at this stage of life, graduations, birthdays, Mother’s Days have a way of reminding me of my past and just how fleeting time is. Believe me, with all those happening in a short period of time, a million images like snapshots have passed through my thoughts and touched my heart. And at the same time, the words “kaleidoscope moments” kept coming to mind.

I really don’t know why. I can’t remember when I last saw a kaleidoscope. Being the introspective person that I am and believing those thoughts come up for a purpose, I googled it. There are 3 basic components to a kaleidoscope including mirrors, colored glass fragments and light. As the glass fragments tumble, the light reflects the color off the mirrors creating new color combinations and patterns. I even watched a video that showed the picture continually changing as colors and patterns fade while new ones emerge. The truth is the images are all connected. You may find some images more beautiful thsn others but you see that they are not separate.

It struck me- that is just how life is. As I was anticipating my daughters’ graduations, early treasured images came to mind. The first time I met my “daughter by choice”, she was seven years old and had just flown in from California where her mom lived. She bounced up pulling a baby blue roller bag and holding her American Girl doll. This image represented a life that she would lead going between locations throughout her childhood. It wasn’t something we would have chosen for her, but sometimes that’s just life. That image also represents a child who learned early and has become the most independent, resilient young woman I know. And even more, her life’s purpose among other things will be to help others be more independent and resilient in their lives. There was beauty to come from her challenging circumstances. That beauty is reflected on others.

The image of my other daughter was of a precious curly, blonde-headed three year old tromping down the steps with a determined expression wearing a pink tutu and a purple hornets cap turned backwards. She was a mix of beautiful feminity, individuality and strength of spirit. She had already been dealing with kidney issues since she was 6 weeks old. She suffered through many hospital stays and two kidney surgeries. Thankfully, the second surgery when she was in kindergarten finally relieved her of her pain. I saw her courage as she suffered, got poked and prodded, and even played softball with a catheter. She was sweet and tough. She was courageous and loved being a part of her team even when she wasn’t fully well. To this day, beauty and strength is exactly what she reflects. The richness of her character was in part born out of her pain.

I have thought about all my children in the past days. They have all experienced different challenges and losses. There have been tears and fearful moments. But that is part of who they are and the goodness they can reflect back to the world. Knowing that it is the light of God that allows for that reflection helps my faith and encourages me to let go and let God do his good work in their lives as he has done in mine. Walking through their individual challenges creates depth and heart. Their stories are and will continue to be beautiful not despite their challenges and obstacles but rather as a result of those vary situations.

And finally, here I am at another birthday. I have been through some really dark times and some very joyful times. Yes, there have been moments that have taken me to my knees. There are still times now when I find myself there again. And yet, it is all apart of who I am. God has sent people into my life at times to love and encourage me when I feared I could not take another step or be who my family needed me to be. And ultimately, the very pain that He allowed into my life was used in turn to support others who were experiencing similar challenges or pain. Light again reflects colorful ribbons of love to those who need it. I am just the mirror. And yet, we are all connected through that very love.

You see, those challenges were not just snapshots of life but kaleidoscope moments. The colored glass fragments are the people and experiences of our lives. We are the mirrors that reflect into world through the light of God. Every moment, stage, situation or choice, tear or smile is a part of something bigger- a beautiful, changing, colorful, and connected picture or journey. If we look at moments of time from our lives as simply snapshots of times to survive or mourn the loss of, we will miss the gift in what was or is emerging. Our kaleidoscope moments...

So, as my birthday passes and a new year has begun, I have taken a little time to look back so I can look forward to the next steps in anticipation of what is emerging. I can look back and see faces and situations. And yes, I have lost and gained, cried and laughed, felt weak and courageous. And, it has all been a gift. The colored pieces of glass are the faces that met mine in every situation, the words that encouraged me forward, the choices that required faith and courage, the prayers I didn’t even know were prayed on my behalf. I know that God has used each and every one to reflect the light of love into and through me. And, He is doing the same for you. Today, I see the beauty of the journey. I see the connectedness of family and friends, of those I have worked alongside of or served. They are all colored pieces used to reflect the light of love turning a moment into SO MUCH MORE- a lifetime of meaning and beauty...

My Broken Amen

There are days, sometimes seasons that feel dark- a battle of thoughts and emotions, difficult circumstances and sometimes a challenge of pursuing truth through faith. That is where I find myself today. And yet, I know the journey no matter how overwhelming, painful or scary is a place to experience grace, acknowledge love, be present in the reality of being a child of the King. But sometimes, all I can do is utter a broken Amen...

I AM...

A woman of faith yet still struggles with fear

A woman who loves others deeply yet experiences intense loneliness

A woman with dreams yet hesitates to pursue

A woman who smiles on the outside yet grieves on the inside


AND I FEEL LIKE...

A woman who is “less than” whom God says is enough

A woman who is broken whom God says is restored

A woman who is experiencing darkness whom God says holds Light

A woman who is weak whom God says is strong

A woman who is lost yet God says my path is ordained


AND I BELIEVE AND AM A WOMAN CLINGING TO:

* God’s promises and character

* Knowledge that the Spirit leads

* And as long as Grace allows me to breathe, Grace propels me to my purpose


This is my broken Amen...

Still alive at 55

55- who can believe it! I seem to dread mid-decade birthdays. This one has been a doozy! Well, it’s the day after and I’m still alive at 55. The sun rose today (although behind a bank of clouds- metaphorical somehow). I don’t think I added a new wrinkle overnight although I need to put on my glasses to be sure! I say that jokingly but it has been a year of personal exploration and change. This post will be authentic, maybe a little self-indulgent, but in case there are others going through a similar transition, I thought I’d share. The reality is I have been grieving at some level the hopes and dreams that haven’t materialized. I am also acutely aware of time passing. For a while now, I have recognized that a season was passing and my journey was shifting. I find myself in an uncomfortable place of being unsure where my path is now heading.

My house is quiet- no more children to care for or at least not on a daily basis. And with the kids gone, much of my interaction with other parents and friends that took place at school events, ball fields, or the poolside have disappeared. I didn’t count on that. I wasn’t prepared for that. It is quiet and it is lonely.

At work, the landscape is shifting. It is really no longer my escape. A comfortable place with a clear plan for success. For right or wrong, it has been my place of strength and reinforcement over the years as challenges came in my personal life. It is shifting. With all the change, there are times when I am uncertain about my value, my purpose, just who I am at this stage of life...

And finally, the mirror doesn’t lie. Time is passing. Sometimes I see pictures and almost don’t recognize my profile. Sometimes I see my arms- good grief! My girlfriends will understand that! A few weeks ago, a woman stopped me who I would guess to be somewhere between 65 and 70. She said with good intent that she loved my outfit and women of our age should continue to dress with such style no matter what others say. Here I am struggling with turning 55. I didn’t know whether to be more shocked by being considered a decade plus older or that my outfit was somehow inappropriate for a “woman of my age”. Goodness, I had just come from church!

Yes, the journey is shifting! I spent several quiet hours yesterday in introspection- reading, writing, thinking, praying... I asked myself questions like Who am I now? What’s important to me- my passions and dreams? What can I hold on to when everything around me seems to be changing? I though about a picture I often share when I am coaching people through change in work. Picture the ocean. If you focus in on the waves, you see energy, movement in and out, the breaking down of shells and tumbling of marine life. You can lose your footing in the waves. But closing your eyes and listening, the waves become soothing. If you lift your eyes just a bit, you see the calmness of the horizon where the sky meets the ocean. Although in reality it may be rougher than we can see, it is a sign of peace and beauty. A change in perspective makes all the difference! Everyone needs a horizon to hold on to.

For many of my friends, this is a season of transition too.. For me, it is definitely a season of transition and transformation inside and out. I often describe our stories as a holy journey. We are more than our circumstance, our worst choice, painful wound or best accomplishment. We are more than physical beauty including the wrinkles on our face. We are uniquely created for a purpose on this earth. And, our journey is about shaping us, teaching us, equipping us, and guiding us towards our purpose. And based on all our experiences, we have a heart that can reflect kindness, compassion, love and beauty differently and more than our youthful face yet to experience all the ups of downs of life. Our hearts reflect the richness of our experiences. It adds depth that allows us the opportunity to not only live out our purpose but be a light to world in desperate need. A holy journey.

I know this. I believe this. But truthfully today, I am struggling with a fear that my world is growing smaller. That I am losing the chance to pursue dreams, impact lives, enjoy new challenges and experiences, grow friendships. I’m just not ready for that. I have a lifetime of experiences, things to contribute, time to invest, love to share, a community to explore and with which to engage. And as I reflect back over the years, I have had a life of challenges and blessings, tears and laughter, weakness and strength, chaos and clarity. I can’t focus on just one or other. If I only focus on the positive gifts, I could miss the gift of faith and all the character that is built through adversity. If I only focused on the adversity and challenge, I could assume a mantle of shame, bitterness, or woundedness and miss God’s gift of provision. The truth is they are all gifts and a part of who I am as your experiences are a part of you. You see I believe God uses our steps to prepare us for next part of our journey. Even better than that, not only does He prepare us, he is walking it out with us through the Spirit. We are not walking our paths alone.

So, at 55, I will still struggle at times with the loss of all that I am leaving behind in life. Roles that I have loved and dreams for which I have yearned. At the same time, as this season moves forward with its own waves, I will hang on to my “horizon”. My belief that God has a purpose for me that is still being lived out in my life. And, that purpose will be better than anything I could design on my own.

My prayer is that God will use me in the coming days and years as a loving force for good, compassion, and kindness. That my journey will connect with others in a meaningful way. That despite the misssteps, the fears, times of shaken faith, or slips of a judging spirit, I pray that in the end, my life will be a broken hallelujah. His strength perfected in my weakness. His light showing through my imperfect attempts to Show love. My prayer is one of an open heart able to discern opportunities to engage in my purpose, open eyes to see need around me and open hands to give as called.

And as I move into this next season of which I feel so unsure at the moment, I need to shift my perspective. I will give myself the same advice I gave my son last week at his college graduation. To look to the next steps not with worry but anticipation as God walks me down the path he has prepared in advance for me to go. My horizon- my holy journey. I am not alone and neither are you.

So at 55, I’m still alive with a purpose. I am grateful for every step and those who have loved and supported me along the way and for those whom I have had the privilege to love and support as well. God is Good! So, here goes 55!

Proverbs 4:25,26 “Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established by God.”

A New Year with a Fresh Perspective!!

It's New Year's Eve- a time of celebration, a time of endings and beginnings, a time for change; and, usually a time of positive intent. And then, life resumes on Jan. 2nd and slowly we often ease back into a familiar place. A place that is more reactive to our circumstances than proactive. Sometimes a place that seems more comfortable even when it is born out of pain and discomfort. The truth is that although change can represent hopefulness, relief even success, real change is hard to achieve. It takes commitment, practice, accountability and most importantly a renewed mindset. Without a change in mindset, a new perspective, the chances of real change is minimal.

So here we sit at a milemarker as another year passes. And in terms of our journey, the reality is that today does not really mark an ending but a continuation to the journey that God has granted us. It is, however, a perfect time for reflection. A time to reflect with a fresh perspective. As we take a honest look back over the past year, our perspective can change the way we look at the past with a positive impact to our future. Acknowledging our blessings yields gratitude, challenges provide insight, pain develops empathy and trial builds faith. It truly comes down to your perspective.

As I reflect personally, I am not only taking an accounting of the year but asking myself the following questions:
1. Do I truly know that God made me with unique gifts that can reflect his character in this broken world? Can I accept my value as a child of God?
2. Do I trust that he is lovingly at work in and through me no matter the circumstances? Can I accept that God is always in control?
3. Is my focus more on who God wants me to be within my circumstances versus just reacting to the circumstance? Can I see through my circumstance to the hand of God?
4. Lastly, are my eyes open to the needs of others no matter the sacrifice or inconvenience? Am I willing to follow the example that Jesus set by loving those whom he puts in my path. Am I loving my enemy and my neighbor as myself?

I know if I can work through these questions, then I have a mindset that brings a fresh perspective to my next steps entering this new year. A perspective that helps me be more present and intentional. I have begun transitioning seasons of life. And at a time when in many ways my opportunities feel like they are shrinking , I am hanging on to Matthew 19:26 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". I still have dreams. And, I know God's not done with me yet; just, as he's not done with you. So, I encourage you to ask some hard questions, build a fresh perspective, and know that this year holds a multitude of possibilities for all of us no matter the season of life! And, for my friends who have suffered great tragedy this year, I know that God is surrounding you and sending love through others. And, I pray that the peace that surpasses all understanding becomes real within your lives. And this year at a time when so much discord and brokenness exists, may we all look for ways to reflect the light of God through love and kindness. And, may we spread that love and kindness not only to those for whom it may come easy but for those who challenge us through our differences!

Below is a little prayer focused on being present and reflecting God's love. I wrote it on our trip to a Africa several years ago the night before we went into the villages. Seems appropriate to stepping into the unknown of a new year!

Happy New Year,

Sallie


Lord,

Today,
Give me hands to plant your garden.
Give me feet to walk the path you've laid.
Give me strength to join the suffering
Lord, give me love for those you died to save.

Give me eyes to "SEE" your children.
Give me ears to hear your call.
Give me words to touch the hurting.
Lord, may your Spirit heal us all.

Lord, Let my voice express your kindness.
Let my touch express your strength.
Let my laughter express your hope.
And Lord, may our hearts reflect your perfect love.

Amen.